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He stirred in the middle of the night, kicking his blankets off his heated torso as he switched to sleeping on his right side. His eyes fluttered open for a brief moment before falling close as his half-asleep mind chased after slumber once again.
It was when he was almost on the edge of falling back asleep that his brain jolted and he realised that something hadn't been quite right in the brief glimpse of the room he had gotten. Seungmin cracked open his heavy eyelids.
Across the room in his bed, he could see Minho still fast asleep, curled up beneath his blankets. And in the centre of the room, a shadowy figure stood in front of the empty bed that was right beneath Seungmin’s.
The waning silver moonlight provided him just sufficient light to make out the other's outline and Seungmin's sleepy mind recognised the familiar figure. As it was, he had woken up many times before in the middle of the night to the sight of this figure creeping into their room and climbing into bed alongside Hyunjin.
But Hyunjin wasn't here. And Changbin was just silently standing in front of the other's bed.
Seungmin thought about calling out to the older to ask if anything was wrong but something held him back. And after all, did he really have to ask when he already knew what was wrong?
In the darkness, Changbin let out a heavy sigh that echoed through the room before grabbing something from Hyunjin's bed. Seungmin's eyes followed the older's movements as the other quietly left the room.
Despite his exhaustion from all the practice that they have done over the last couple of days, Seungmin found that he had trouble going back to sleep. The image of the lonely figure standing in front of Hyunjin's bed continued to haunt him even with his eyes closed.
When he was tasked to wake the other members up the next morning, Seungmin decided to wake Changbin last and give the other a little more time to sleep in. But when he entered the other room, Felix and Bang Chan were the only ones still sound asleep.
Changbin was awake, clutching tightly onto the pillow within his arms as he scrolled on his phone. Actually, as Seungmin eyed the dark eye bags beneath the other's eyes, he wasn't entirely sure if the other had woken up early or simply hadn't slept.
Seungmin didn't comment on the other's tired appearance or the extra pillow crushed in Changbin's arms, simply offered a small smile as he greeted the other. "Good morning, hyung."
Changbin glanced up from his phone to return the smile. Seungmin didn't miss the forced quality of it. "Good morning, Seungmin."
If there was something he could do for Changbin, Seungmin would stop at no lengths to help the other. But Changbin’s problems could only be fixed by one person and that person simply couldn't be around to fix them right now.
"Are you done, hyung? We're leaving without you if you don't hurry," Jeongin called out through the door of the bathroom.
"Just a moment! I'm almost done!" Changbin yelled back.
Jeongin sighed in exasperation before settling on the couch to wait for the older. Seungmin was already sitting cross-legged on the couch, flipping through his notebook. The other members had already left for the JYP building a while ago and only Jeongin, Seungmin and Changbin were left in the dorms.
Changbin's ‘one moment’ dragged on and fifteen minutes later just as Jeongin was contemplating knocking on the bathroom door again, the older emerged at last from the bathroom.
"Finally, hyung. We were just about to leave without you if you-"
The youngest cut off his words mid-sentence as he took in the other's appearance. Changbin was dressed in oversized clothes; both the sweatpants and the t-shirt that the older was wearing were far too long for him. In fact, the older looked like he was positively drowning in fabric.
They didn't have any other schedule except dance practice so dressing down and looking less polished than usual was acceptable but since they were going to step out of the house after all, Jeongin felt almost an obligation to tell the other to dress up a little more suitably. "Hyung, your-"
This time, it was a hand on his shoulder that cut Jeongin's words off. He glanced behind him to see Seungmin shaking his head.
"Let's go."
After waiting for another few more minutes for Changbin to finish getting ready and grab his belongings from the room, they left the dorm.
It was only when they were in the middle of practising that realisation finally hit Jeongin. He had been staring idly off into the air as he caught his breath after the last run-through and his gaze had fallen on Changbin and his atypical outfit when his brain registered the familiarity of those clothes. He had definitely seen those clothes before but he just hadn't recognised them initially because on their original owner, the clothes fitted the other's longer limbs perfectly.
That t-shirt and sweatpants were a favourite of Hyunjin's and the older regularly wore them for practice.
Jeongin couldn't help watching Changbin and noticing the way the older was all curled up on himself while hugging his knees. Even though he had declared just a minute ago that he was too tired to move even an inch, Jeongin found the energy to cross the room and give Changbin a tight hug.
And even when Changbin complained about how sweaty the younger was, Jeongin didn't let go.
It was just one of those days when all his ideas and inspiration seemed to have escaped him. His usually energetic brain felt sluggish and he was struggling to squeeze out even a few measly words to write the lyrics for the song that they were working on.
Bang Chan struck out yet another line of words that didn't feel quite right, slumping in his seat as he glanced across the table at the other two members of 3racha to check on their progress. Jisung seemed to be in a similar state as him, staring dazedly at the blank page of his notebook in front of him as he tapped his fingers rhythmically against the surface of the table. Changbin, on the other hand, seemed to be overflowing with ideas as the other continued scribbling and jotting down words in his notebook.
Coming to the end of his page, Changbin flipped to the next page, pen still flying across the piece of paper as he remained ignorant of the pair of eyes scrutinising him enviously. Even when Jisung joined in the staring, Changbin didn't show any indication of being aware of his audience, head still bent low over his notebook.
Eventually, Bang Chan and Jisung grew tired of watching the other writing furiously while they struggled through their portion of the work. Both of them stepped out to grab a drink and some snacks to reinvigorate themselves, leaving Changbin who had declined their invitation alone.
When they returned from their trip to the convenience store, there was no one in the studio they were using. Changbin's notebook was still on the table, wide open.
Changbin generally had no qualms about sharing what he wrote in his notebook so Bang Chan settled on the other’s seat, pulling the notebook towards him as he read what was written on the page. The other’s lyrics were always poetic and heart-stirring and Bang Chan had always wondered what inspired the other to come up with such beautiful lyrics. But as he absorbed the contents of Changbin’s draft, Bang Chan was realising that maybe he was asking the wrong question all along.
It shouldn’t have been what inspired the lyrics but who inspired the lyrics.
And Bang Chan had a clear answer to that question.
Suddenly, it felt like he was intruding on Changbin's privacy, the soulful lyrics a reflection of the other's most intimate thoughts and feelings. Slamming the notebook shut, Bang Chan returned it to its original position before he went back to his own seat.
When Changbin returned to the room, slipping his mobile phone into his pocket, Bang Chan handed the younger the packet of snack that he had originally bought for himself.
Minho stepped in the direction of the grocery baskets but Changbin was already one step ahead of him, grabbing one of the baskets and placing it over his arm.
“Do you have the grocery list, hyung?”
“Here.” The older pulled out the crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, unfolding it and straightening it out as he tried to make out the messy scrawls on the page. “Eggs. Milk. Flour. Snacks.”
After grabbing the first three items on their list, the pair left the baking goods aisle behind and headed for the snacks aisle.
“What should we get?” Minho asked, scanning the wide array of different snacks.
His hands instinctively reached for a bag of his favourite chips as he added it to the basket that Changbin was carrying. Spotting the chips that some of the younger members seemed to prefer, Minho added that into the basket as well. There were also some new snacks on the shelves that Minho had never seen before and he grabbed a few packs of those for everyone in the dorm to try out.
“Is there anything else you want to get, Changbin?” It was then that Minho realised that Changbin wasn’t beside him anymore. “Changbin?”
The younger had wandered off to the end of the aisle where the candy section was, eyes fixated on a selection of gummies. “Oh, Minho-hyung. Let’s get some candy too.”
“Sure.” As Minho placed the packets of chips in the basket, he noticed that the basket was relatively fuller as compared to when he had looked at it a moment ago. He riffled through the items in the basket, making a note of the stuff that Changbin had added.
Boxes of biscuits. Many packets of gummies. Cookies. Chips.
While Changbin did like his snacks, the younger didn’t typically indulge in them that much. And on a closer look, Minho observed that these weren’t exactly his usual selection of snacks either. In fact, these snacks are the ones favoured by another member of theirs.
Minho’s confusion cleared up instantly.
“You’re buying a lot. Are you sure you can finish all these snacks?”
“Of course, hyung. Even if I can’t, I’m sure the others will help me to finish them.”
“These snacks-”
“Hyung, should we get the peach flavoured ones or the strawberry flavoured ones?” Changbin held up the two different flavours of gummies for Minho to see.
Their gaze met and Minho stared right into the other’s eyes, not missing the way they gleamed beneath the supermarket’s lighting. Silence hung in the air for several more moments.
“We can get both,” Minho finally answered.
Two packets of gummies were tossed into the basket and they went to make payment for their purchases before heading back to the dorm, hands full of heavy plastic bags.
As they unpacked the groceries and sorted them into the refrigerator and cabinets, Minho could see clearly how Changbin had deliberately placed specific snacks on the higher cabinet shelves which were harder for the other members to reach. He didn’t stop the other, just quickly tidied away his share of the groceries and went on to help Changbin with his, giving the younger more time to continue arranging the snacks in the cabinet.
When Felix was awakened in the middle of the night by loud whimpers, he wasn’t particularly surprised. Nightmares weren’t something foreign to the members and they all had their fair share of nightmares, some worse than the others. Instead, he rubbed his bleary eyes and sat up in bed, trying to pinpoint the source of the noises and tracing them to the bed across from his.
Changbin’s bed.
The sky outside was the dusty colour of ash, darkness gradually giving way to light with the impending arrival of dawn. The small amount of light penetrating the glass panes of the windows allowed Felix to vividly witness the agonised expression on Changbin’s face, the way the other’s fingers dug into the pillow hugged tightly in his embrace and the sweat that coated the other’s skin entirely.
Felix vaguely wondered how long the nightmare had been going on for before Changbin’s voice had woken him up. He got up from his bed, stumbling slightly and struggling to find his balance due to his overwhelming sleepiness but managed to make it across the room to the older’s bed, settling down on its edge.
Now that he was just right next to Changbin’s bed, the other’s previously indecipherable mumblings formed words.
“…don’t go… come back…”
And Felix couldn’t help wondering who or what the other was dreaming about. Was it another nightmare where their fans had all but abandoned them and they had to beg for their support to keep going as a group? Or the nightmare where they were thrown into somewhere completely desolate with not a single figure by their sides, forced to fend for themselves in isolation?
A name slipped out between Changbin’s lips.
It was the softest whisper, muffled and barely audible but Felix had no trouble picking up on it.
Changbin’s nightmare was no longer a mystery to him and Felix found himself quickly reaching out, placing a hand on the other’s shoulder. He was suddenly especially eager to wake the other up and free him from his nightmare, vigorously shaking the other’s shoulder.
With a startled grunt, Changbin darted up, chest heaving heavily and eyes wide. Recognition soon lit up in the other’s eyes as the older fell back onto his pillow, eyes falling shut as he wiped at his sweaty forehead with the back of his hands.
“It’s just you, Felix.”
“Mmhm. You had a nightmare, hyung.”
“I… Yeah, I did.”
Felix waited for the other’s breathing to regain regularity before he spoke again. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Changbin’s gaze lingered on him before moving to fix on a spot on the ceiling. “Would talking about it change anything?”
“It might help you feel better.”
“I… I just want him back.”
“We all do, hyung. With every single day that passes, we miss him more and more too.”
“I don’t think it’s just that I merely miss him, Yongbok. I… I don’t know how to live without him.”
The whispered confession couldn’t have sounded louder to Felix’s ears. As it was, the weight of the sentence gave it extra volume. And Felix had to admit that he was completely stumped, having no idea what to say to the older in response.
What do you say to comfort someone when their world has been taken from them?
Changbin quietly turned to face the wall but not before Felix caught a glimpse of the other’s glassy eyes.
“You should get some rest, Yongbok. We have a lot to work on tomorrow.” The other’s voice was hoarse, choked.
Felix returned to his own bed but he wasn’t able to fall asleep even after Changbin’s shoulders had stopped shaking and the muffled cries had died down.
Jisung could clearly remember every single time he had witnessed Changbin crying. And that was because the older had only ever cried in front of him once before. The other had never been one to cry easily, preferring to release his overwhelmed emotions in various other outlets. Jisung was fine with it; he understood that everyone dealt with their own emotions in different ways because ultimately, everyone is different.
The fact that Changbin never usually cried became a concern when all of a sudden, it seemed like the older was never running out of tears.
For the third time that week, Jisung opened the door of the recording studio they frequented to find Changbin huddled up on himself on the couch, the sound of choked sobs filling the room. Quietly closing the door, he dropped his backpack on the floor and sat next to the other on the couch. The older didn’t show any signs of hearing him enter, still tightly curled up and his entire figure shaking badly.
“Hyung?” Jisung called out to the other softly.
The other took in a staggering breath, wiping away his tears roughly with his fingers before pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes. “Sorry.”
“There’s nothing to apologise for, hyung. It’s fine to cry when you’re upset. Is there… is there anything I can do for you, Changbin-hyung?”
Changbin shook his head, another sob slipping through the other’s lips as he blinked rapidly, tears sliding down his cheeks. Jisung rummaged through his backpack for tissues, finding a pack and handing it to the other. Taking the offered pack of tissues, Changbin cleaned his tear-streaked face and blew his nose.
The older brought his wrist to his chest, fingers tracing his shiny bracelet and Jisung supposed that he didn’t really need to ask the other for the reason behind those tears. Even the strongest person would shed tears if they were to lose their entire world.
Jisung didn’t know what to do or say; he had never been someone who excelled at comforting crying people. Instead, he simply leaned closer and pressed his shoulder against the other’s while hoping that his presence could provide the other with some solace.
They sat in silence, Changbin’s head eventually coming to rest on Jisung’s shoulder and the other’s sobs gradually subsiding.
When Jisung finally dared to break the silence with a terrible joke, the older managed to crack a smile and elbowed him playfully in the ribs, making a jab at him in return. And somehow it felt like things were going back to normal.
But even then, Jisung knew that nothing had been fixed. Changbin’s world still hadn’t been returned to him.
He reached out his hands, stretching them as far as he could towards those familiar slim fingers. The bright light was shining in his eyes, blinding him and it was hard to make out the other person’s features. But Changbin would never mistake Hyunjin for anyone else.
His fingers were inching closer towards Hyunjin’s, getting closer and closer until he could almost brush against the other’s fingers.
And he opened his eyes, plunging himself back into his bleak, hollow reality.