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“You know, I always thought that would be us one day,” Erwin whispered casually, as if he was talking about the weather, and not Mike and Nanaba, in front of everyone, saying their wedding vows.
“Wh-what? What the hell?” Levi stuttered out in shock.
“Shhh!!” Someone from behind reprimanded.
“Erwin?” Levi whispered harshly.
“Now I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.”
Before Erwin could respond, everyone was standing and clapping for the happy couple as they retreated down the aisle, ignorant of Levi’s inner turmoil.
Levi met Erwin their freshman year of high school. Back then, Erwin was skinny as a rail, all knees and elbows and had a mouth full of braces. Levi was shorter and angrier, always sporting bruised knuckles. They had gone to different junior highs but matriculated to the same high school.
It goes without being said that Erwin was the good kid, smart, and always stayed out of trouble. While Levi...hell, it seemed trouble always found him, whether he wanted it to or not. No one would ever think they could be friends, as they were so different. And they weren’t, not for a long time.
Then, one day after school, Levi came across some upperclassmen giving Erwin a hard time behind the gym. Erwin was on his way to a Student Council meeting, and the jocks were pushing him around. Levi hadn’t been looking for a fight that day, but he wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to give these dickheads what they deserved.
When the dust settled, Levi had a busted lip and a week of after-school detention. The jocks had their pretty faces busted up and some imaginary punishment from their coach. And Erwin, well Erwin was no worse for wear. However, everyday, after school, Erwin would show up in detention and sit beside Levi. By week’s end, Levi found himself with a new friend.
From then on, they were inseparable. Levi stopped getting into so much trouble and was even to improve his grades enough to get a scholarship. Erwin stopped getting bullied and helped Levi get into the same college as him.
They roomed together the entirety of their college careers, and even lived together for a little while before they got decent jobs that allowed them to afford their own space. They still saw each other at least once a week and spoke almost daily. They had been the best of friends for nearly twenty years.
And then Erwin goes and drops a bomb like that, out of blue, in the middle of their friends’ wedding.
“Erwin, what the hell?” Levi asked, pulling Erwin into an empty hallway of the reception hall.
“What? I was caught up in the moment, I suppose.” Erwin had the nerve to blush.
“Caught up in the moment? Really?”
“You can’t tell me you’re surprised, Levi. You’ve had to have known...for years.” Erwin looked so damn earnest, and a little heartbroken.
“Years? I’m trying to understand where all this is coming from.” Levi felt gobsmacked by all this information.
“I guess...it’s getting harder to pretend that I’m not absolutely in love with you, while you pretend that you don’t know. I guess I’m just addressing the elephant in the room.” Erwin stared down at his shoes.
“I didn’t know!” Levi threw up his hands in exasperation. “You never once hinted-“
“Oh, come off it, Levi. When was the last time I went out with someone that wasn’t you?”
Levi was silent.
“I even told you that I had no interest in anyone else because I had all I needed. I’m not deluding myself into thinking that you feel the same, but I’m not going to deny how I feel anymore,” Erwin said calmly.
“Well, in the middle of Mike’s wedding is a shitty place to make that decision,” Levi scolded and Erwin flinched.
“I’m not expecting you to confess undying love, Levi. I’m just trying to get over it, so I can move on. I have come to the conclusion that you’re never going to wake up and decide you’re in love with me. I just can’t stand us acting like this doesn’t exist. I want us to continue being friends, so I need to move past it.”
“Well, I didn’t know a damn thing about it, so I wasn’t pretending shit.” Levi was still in shock. Years? Erwin had hidden this from him for years?
“I see. Well, I just made this incredibly uncomfortable for you, then. Which was the last thing I ever wanted to do.” Erwin licked his lips nervously. “I actually don’t know where to go from here. You’re my best friend, and I didn’t want to lose that, but I think...I think I just did.”
“Erwin-“
“We better get back to the reception. I’m sure Mike is wondering where we disappeared to.” Erwin practically ran back into the ballroom, leaving Levi behind.
Levi took his time in returning, grabbing a glass of champagne as soon as he could locate one. He walked around, looking for Erwin, but he was nowhere to be seen. Levi finally made his way around to the bride and groom to offer his congratulations.
“Levi!” Mike beamed as he pulled Levi into a hug. “Glad you could make it! You and Erwin fighting? He came by a minute ago and looked like a kicked puppy.”
“Not fighting exactly…”
“Getting tired of waiting for him to pop the question?” Nanaba teased. “It took Mike forever to ask me to marry him. I’m sure Erwin will grow a pair eventually.”
“But we’re not-“
“Nan, darling, they’re just friends. I’ve told you this,” Mike corrected.
“I told you I don’t believe it for a second. Erwin looks at Levi like he hung the moon.” Nanaba winked at Levi. “Some men are just so obtuse.”
“Yeah, I guess we are,” Levi admitted. If Nanaba could see how Erwin felt, and she had only been part of their group for five years, how did Levi miss it?
“Erwin’s good at pouting, you know this. Whatever it is, he’ll be fine in a day or two. Now go have fun. I am going to go dance with my beautiful bride.” Mike was off, Nanaba in tow, leaving Levi wondering if he and Erwin would be fine in just a day or two.
Spoiler alert: they were NOT fine in just a day or two. In fact, they weren’t even speaking. It wasn’t even Erwin’s fault. Levi had ignored his calls, not really ready to face the knowledge that his best friend was in love with him.
This information made him question so many things...things that weren’t about Erwin. Things that Levi had questioned about himself so many times over the years. Things that he told himself that it was all in his head.
Like the way the sunlight would make Erwin’s hair glow golden, like a halo. The way Erwin would smile at Levi, making the world narrow to the sparkle in crystalline blue eyes. The warmth of Erwin’s hand on his shoulder. The warm, spicy scent of his cologne, familiar shape of his body, the pitch of his voice. All of these things Levi had taken notice of in the past, but dismissed it. They were just friends. They would always be just friends.
But one whispered admission had Levi questioning everything he thought about Erwin.
Now he questioned those nights when he fantasized about a faceless blond with blue eyes. Was the man really faceless, or was Levi lying to himself because of a guilty conscience?
He questioned the advice he gave Erwin over his last relationship. Was Moses so terrible for Erwin, or was he blinded by that flare of jealousy that he denied feeling?
What was it that he really felt when he heard Erwin’s quiet admission? Was it shock? Not really. It was anger. Anger that he had waited for Erwin to feel the same way as him for so long that he finally had given up. Then Erwin confessed that he had felt that way for YEARS. Years that Levi had been waiting. Levi was angry at himself, because he was just as guilty as Erwin for their situation.
But now what?
Erwin had made his move. It was time for Levi to meet him halfway.
Meeting Erwin halfway turned out to be easier said than done. It was a perfect storm of unforeseen circumstances.
When Levi decided to call Erwin back a few days later, he was getting ready to board a flight for a business retreat that Levi had forgotten about. Erwin would have very little access to his phone for the better part of a week, and Levi felt that this chasm between them was best crossed while face to face.
The day that Erwin was set to return, Levi got a call from his mother stating that his uncle was in the hospital. So, this time, when Erwin was calling to let him know he was now home, Levi was picking up his rental car two states away. He spent almost every waking moment with his mother at the hospital until his uncle was released four days later. The food poisoning had not been fun, but Kenny was going to be fine, and Kuchel and Uri got some new grey hair from the worry.
When Levi returned home, he was unable to reach Erwin, so he went out to get dinner and some fresh groceries. As he was leaving the grocers, he caught a glimpse of Erwin leaving the restaurant across the street. And he wasn’t alone. Hanging off his arm was Marie, and she had been trying to get Erwin to go out with her for months.
Levi froze in place as he watched her giggle at something Erwin said and lean into Erwin as they walked along.
He was too late.
Erwin had finally given up on him and moved on.
Levi’s heart shattered.
“What’s with you and Erwin?”
Hange’s question was so out of the blue and startling that Levi choked on his drink. Coughing, he turned to see Hange standing behind him with their hands on their hips, looking more than a little annoyed. He pounded himself on the chest, as he glared at Hange through watering eyes. Hange gave him an exasperated sigh and rolled their eyes before smacking him soundly on the back, freeing his airway and allowing him to breathe.
“Fuck you,” Levi panted. “Don’t do shit like that!”
“I know I’m brilliant, but I’m not omniscient. I didn’t know you were taking a drink.” Hange sat down at the bar beside Levi and motioned the bartender for a refill.
“What do you want?” Levi practically growled.
“I want to know why you’re hiding over here instead of finishing Erwin’s sentences like you do every week.”
Levi twisted his paper napkin until it tore. He didn’t want to admit that it was torture watching Erwin with Marie. It was too early in their relationship to be at the lovey-dovey stage, but Levi would bet his left nut that Marie was doodling “Marie Smith” on her grocery list.
He dared to look over his shoulder at their usual table. Erwin had an arm casually draped over the back of Marie’s chair as he laughed at something Mike said.
“I’m not hiding,” Levi lied, not able to meet Hange’s eyes.
“Sure looks like it to me. You came over here for a refill twenty minutes ago. This place isn’t crowded, Levi. So, either you’re hiding or-“
“I just don’t care for Marie is all. She’s-“
“Pretty, funny, sweet, smart,” Hange listed.
“Damn, maybe you should be the one fucking her, then. Sounds like you’ve got a crush.” Levi took another pull from his beer.
“You’re jealous,” Hange accused. “Since when was your gay ass interested in women?”
“I’m not jealous,” Levi spat, this lie no more believable than the first.
“But you’re not jealous of Erwin, are you? You’re jealous of Marie. I see now.” Hange adjusted their glasses.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.”
“I’m going to go take piss.” Levi slid off the barstool and pushed past Hange, not bothering to look over at the table as he passed.
Levi felt like retching, even though he really didn’t have much to drink. He went straight for the sink and turned on the faucet with so much force that the knob squeaked with protest. He took a couple of deep breaths to try to calm his stomach before splashing cold water on his face. He rested his elbows on the cold porcelain as he let the cool water run over his wrists.
He looked up at himself in the mirror, trying to school his expression into something more neutral. The face that stared back at him looked pained and miserable. Erwin would see right through him. He turned off the water and dried his face and hands. He decided to take the long way around the bar and go out the side door to get some air before joining the group again. He expected that the night breeze would settle his stomach. What he didn’t expect was to accidentally eavesdrop.
“Why am I here, Erwin?” Marie’s voice was soft and kind, curious without accusation.
“Because we’re seeing each other and I thought you like to go out with my friends?” Erwin sounded confused.
“I know that,” she laughed. “But really, Erwin, why are you here with me when it is so obvious you want to be here with someone else?”
Erwin’s sharp intake of breath was audible to even Levi. He really shouldn’t be listening to this. It was none of his business…
“Marie, I don’t know-“
“Please, give me a little more credit than that.” Again, her tone was kind.
“I’m...I’m sorry, Marie. I thought I was ready. You deserve better,” Erwin apologized.
“Yeah, I do,” Marie giggled. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t look so upset. I’m fine, Erwin.”
“But, I didn’t mean-“
“I know, Erwin. You’re not that guy. And it’s okay. How ‘bout you take me home, and next time we go out together, it will be just as friends?”
“Ouch. Friend zoned,” Erwin chuckled.
“Afraid so. I just can’t compete with him,” Marie said as she pulled Erwin toward the parking lot.
“I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to…” Their voices trailed off as they rounded the opposite side of the building.
Levi released the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Maybe, just maybe, his shattered heart could be mended.
The next day, Levi found himself a bit hungover and nervously standing on Erwin’s doorstep at what had to be a too early hour on a Sunday with a bag of pastries and hot coffee. Erwin always slept in on Sundays, so Levi really shouldn’t wake him. He had just talked himself into leaving when the door opened.
“You’re scaring my neighbors,” Erwin teased as he leaned against the doorframe in nothing but a pair of hideous pajama pants, looking sleep rumpled and pretty as hell.
“Really?” Levi asked, feeling as awkward as if they had just met.
“Not yet, but if you keep pacing out here, they’re going to start asking questions.”
Levi narrowed his eyes and asked, ”Just how long have you known I was out here?”
“I heard your car pull up. I’ve been waiting for you to knock, but you seemed like you needed to pace, so I let you.” Erwin shrugged. “It was starting to look like an actual crisis, so I thought I would intervene.”
“Well?” Levi huffed.
“Well, what, Levi? You haven’t darkened my door in weeks.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I just had a lot to think about.” Levi looked away from Erwin and saw a few of his neighbors staring out their windows. “Can I come in or not?”
Erwin just raised an eyebrow and sucked his teeth.
“Listen,” Levi started with a huff, clearly becoming agitated. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, knowing that he had to calm down or he was going to fuck everything up.
“I don’t know-“
“I brought breakfast,” Levi interrupted softly, holding out the bakery bag.
“Okay, okay,” Erwin acquiesced, straightening and motioning for Levi to enter.
Levi went straight to the kitchen to busy himself with laying out pastries on plates and reheating them. Anything really to keep from looking at Erwin, explaining why he was there. He thought he could do this, but, as he stood in Erwin’s kitchen, all his bravado left him, and his nerves had his hands shaking.
He could feel Erwin’s gaze on the back of his neck as he entered the kitchen. Even though Erwin’s footsteps were quiet, Levi could sense him approaching.
Levi hated the way his body tensed as Erwin got closer. He could almost hear the rejection coming as Erwin stopped behind him. He was close enough that Levi could feel the heat of his body and his breath in his hair. He wished that he could just lean back and rest against Erwin’s chest and pretend that he had reacted differently to Erwin’s heartbroken confession all those weeks ago. This chasm between them may have only been literal inches, but it felt like miles.
“Why are you here, Levi?” Erwin’s voice was so soft, it was almost a whisper.
“I already told you, I brought breakfast-“
“You’re so full of shit,” Erwin chuckled. “But I am hopeful.”
Erwin stepped closer, placing his hands on the countertop, caging Levi between his arms.
“You know why I’m here,” Levi choked out, afraid to say more.
“No, not really. But, like I said, I am hopeful. However, the last time I assumed what was going through your head led to you shutting me out for weeks. So, I don’t think I’ll be making any guesses this time.”
Levi was terrified of saying the wrong thing at this moment. He thought he had this all figured out, but now…
“I’m scared,” he admitted, shocked by the fact that he said it out loud.
“Scared? I’m terrified,” Erwin confessed with a trembling voice. “Levi, you have no idea.”
Levi turned and looked up at Erwin, and demanded, “Then tell me. I need to know what I am to you.”
“How do you not know, Levi? How can you possibly not realize...you’re everything. Always.”
“I’m sorry, Erwin.”
Erwin flinched as if he had been struck, eyes glassy as he looked away.
“I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how I felt all this time. I’m sorry for making you wait on me. Goddamn, I’ll probably spend the rest of my life telling you I’m sorry for hurting you. But most of all, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I love you after you told me.”
Levi raised his trembling hand and caressed Erwin’s cheek. Erwin nuzzled into the caress before taking Levi’s hand and bringing it to his quivering lips to place the softest and most reverent of kisses on the palm, eyes closed. When Erwin opened his eyes, Levi was completely overwhelmed with the complete adoration on Erwin’s face.
“I hate all this emotional shit,” Levi sniffed with a breathy laugh. Erwin let out a bark of laughter in response.
“I know,” he said as he leaned his forehead against Levi’s.
“But seriously, I love you,” Levi said with so much conviction that Erwin could never doubt him. Erwin’s laugh was fond and softer this time.
“I know. You wouldn’t say it unless you meant it. I love you, too.”
“Now what happens? Is everything going to change?” Levi asked.
“Well, not really. I mean there will be a lot more touching, and kissing.” To illustrate his point, Erwin kissed Levi slowly and thoroughly.
“I can get behind that,” Levi said breathlessly as the kiss ended. It was surprising how natural it felt to kiss Erwin. He expected to feel awkward for a little while, but it felt like coming home.
“Good. Because I’m going to kiss you every chance I get.”
Levi gave Erwin an exasperated sigh and playful shove. Erwin laughed it off and pulled Levi into his arms and held him close.
“So, I guess that will be us one day, huh?” Levi whispered into Erwin’s chest.
“Are you proposing already?”
“Not yet, but you can bet your tall-ass it’s coming.” Levi leaned back to see Erwin smiling down at him fondly.
“Okay, Levi. I’ll wait.”