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The Laser Pointer Incident
James was the first to admit that the relationship was a bit crazy. Him—007 of MI6—with Ford—Q of MI6 and also a cat—Yes, it was more than a bit crazy. But five months in and both of them were rather pleased with how it worked out. Ford had told James the ins and outs of it, how he had better hearing, how he had killer night vision, and how he wasn’t just one person. That had taken a while to get used to, but after getting closer to Ford and his cat-self (James still called him Shadow, just because it was the only way to keep Q’s secret a secret and not sound crazy) James realized that the cat Q and the human Q were very different. Both were sassy and dripped sarcasm, but the Shadow half of him was playful and lazy in ways that Ford wasn’t. Plus…Ford was a lot more difficult to get forgiveness from than Shadow.
It was strange, especially since Ford and Shadow were the exact same person, yet somehow very different. Q had nearly sent James out into the field with nothing when he likened it to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. James toned it down and said it was more like Shadow and Q were daemons of each other…Q applauded him for reading a book and decided he didn’t hate that comparison so much.
It worked out well because Q couldn’t stand always being human and James didn’t always feel safe around humans. When James was afraid he’d break Q he’d have a lap full of lanky cat rather than a seemingly more fragile human. Plus Q liked having someone around to pet him when he was in his other form.
James also found it amusing that while he was a human Q had some cat-like characteristics and while he was a cat he seemed incredibly human. Q as a human could purr and did so when James ran his fingers through his hair. He also hissed…but that was only with sudden pain or (a lot) of anger. James tried not to elicit hisses from him. He was graceful in a lazy, easy manner, he had amazing balance, and he practically melted whenever James rubbed his spine at the small of his back.
James, however, wanted to really see how cat-like his boyfriend was. Naturally…being the mischievous double-o that he was…he got a laser pointer and waited until late at night in Q-branch when Q was at least a little tired and the branch was mostly empty.
Q typed along at the front of the room at the large desk and froze when he saw the little red dot on the table. He looked back up at the screen and back down at the dot when it moved slightly. He shook his head and looked back up at the screen, but the damn light moved again. He turned and put his hand over it, but the light appeared on the back of his hand.
Ford…be logical, it’s a damn light. The sensible side of Q muttered.
Fuck logic, this dot is playing a sick game and I will beat it. The second half of him won-out and he chased the light across his desk, smacking at it, trying to end its taunting ways. It landed against the wall and Q ran forward, only to see it disappeared. He turned and looked and it was on the wall, next to his shadow. He leapt half over a desk for it before it disappeared again. Q turned around to find it only for his eyes to meet James’.
“I’m going to fucking kill you.” Q hissed. He leapt over three desks, landing on his feet each time as he chased after James. It took James less than a second to realize he’d fucked up and he ran up the stairs and into Q’s office, locking it down. “Let me in!” Q snapped a second later, practically clawing at the door.
“I’m sorry, honey… I was just curious… I didn’t realize you’d go so crazy…” James couldn’t help but let out a laugh… Q—the Quartermaster of MI6 and quite possibly one of the smartest people in the world—had jumped over a desk trying to attack a light. It went silent outside the door and James froze, his eyes widening. Was Q trying to pick the lock on the door? “Honey? Q…I really am sorry… I mean that was adorable, but I promise not to do it again. Okay?” James asked gently. Out of the air duct above his head Q jumped down onto his shoulders, clawing at him furiously and biting his fingers until James dropped the laser. Shadow bit the laser pointer and jumped back into the vent, leaving. “Fuck…” James winced. “Okay, I deserved that.” He sighed, looking at his bloody hands and arms. He was lucky Q hadn’t bit off a finger. “Oh…that’s why the vent cover isn’t up there…” James realized after he’d dabbed away some of the blood, ignoring the spots that were going to continue to bleed.
800Q8
“What the hell happened to you?” Tanner asked with a snicker as James moved to leave the building. He and M were the only ones who knew about Q’s ability to shift forms.
“Laser pointer… Apparently they distract him a bit.” James commented. Tanner burst into hysterical laughter. “Yeah, laugh it up, Bill, I’m going to have to sleep on the couch for the next week.”
“Make it a month. I’ve never seen him get so hissy. He hissed at me until I opened the front door for him.” M said with a smirk. “But keep the wishful thinking if you wish.”
“Great… I was just curious…”
“Next time ask him before you do something proven to drive most cats what people deem insane.” Tanner chuckled.
800Q8
James walked towards the shared flat, he hoped that maybe if he showed up miserable, soaking wet, bleeding, and with all of Q’s favorite foods (plus tuna) he may be able to at least sleep with a roof over his head.
James didn’t even get to the store when a black car pulled up to him. He stopped walking, his hand on his gun, waiting. “Mr. Bond?” A female voice asked. James looked at the car closer. It was familiar, one of the cars that were used for government officials.
“Yes?”
“My employer would like to speak with you. I’d also appreciate you not using that gun…you won’t be needing it, possibly.” She said, holding the door open for him, tapping on her phone with her free hand.
“Possibly?” James asked, getting into the car.
“No guarantees.” She said, sliding in next to him and closing the door, her full attention on her phone.
“What’s your name?”
“Uh…Andrea.”
“Working through A names?” James asked casually.
“I like A...I think I’ll change to S though next week.”
“Susan would be a great name for you.” James suggested. He really was far too used to people lying about their names. “Who is your employer?”
“You’ll find out.”
Ten minutes later James found himself standing in an empty warehouse, looking around, hearing the slow approach of someone with an umbrella. He turned and looked at them man. A lesser man would have cringed. He looked like he had power and he held himself like he knew exactly what he was capable of…but James had faced killers his whole life. A ginger brow raised as eyes scanned him.
“Sherrinford must love you.”
“What?” James asked.
“Laser pointer right?” He asked with a smirk, stepping forward. “Don’t think you’re the first to try. Any lesser care and you would have had to have gotten stitches.”
“Are you…Ford’s brother?”
“Ah, yes… Mycroft Holmes.”
“James Bond.”
“I know… Quite a file you have.” James didn’t bother to ask how the man had gotten into his secure file with a clearance above top-secret.
“Are you here to tell me to get away from your baby brother?”
“Oh, heaven’s no. It’s not my place, unfortunately.” Mycroft said with a shrug. “Ford hasn’t told you about us has he?”
“Well, he’s a cat, your mother is a hyena, and you’re either a wolf or a panther.”
“Wolf.” Mycroft said with a slight nod. “Sherlock is the panther…and still has scars from the last time he used a laser pointer on our dearest little brother…” Mycroft commented. “No… I was referring to the love life of the Vernet half of the Holmes family. He obviously hasn’t told you.”
“Told me what?”
“Well, those of us with Vernet blood in us can sense our mates… We tend to stick around for life. I was merely curious as to who my youngest brother had chosen for himself.”
“What…?” James asked with wide eyes.
“You can see why I can’t interfere, would hate to break his heart…but if you were to hurt him. I suspect there is no pain you’ve gone through in your life that can compare to what I will do to you, and that’s before I let Sherlock and Mummy gnaw at what’s left of your broken body…and I do mean that quite literally—if they’re so inclined.”
“I don’t understand…”
“Yes…well, you should talk to him, and you’ve been invited for Christmas dinner. Mummy is very excited to meet you. Do be good to my little brother.” Mycroft said before walking off leaving James behind.
The scratches seemed very small.