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It's that feeling in the air again.
Changmin feels it, buzzing off his fingertips like electricity rushing through. He likes it, glancing out the vehicle at six am on his way to campus.
The seats are empty, head bobbing along with the jeepney on every pass, on every road. He closes his eyes. The warm sunlight gleaming from the open windows against his shoes, the fast paced wind that danced against his face. Changmin likes all of these things.
He opens his eyes, Hyunjae is always there. Sometimes he's across the seats, in front of him with his head glancing out the window, his hazelnut locks and serene expression. Sometimes he's next to Changmin, his head against his shoulder and babbling about traffic and commuting, uprising prices of student discounts.
But everytime, Changmin's inner gut sprouts a garden of roses, flowers breathtaking but the thorns against his chest scraped and scarred. They grow into every part of Changmin, into his blood and every crevice of his mind, for something so beautiful could be something painful too.
He can imagine Hyunjae, giving him a small smile. The way he always loved it, like a sun of its own. Mouthing words barely,"Are you okay?"
And Changmin would muster all of his strength to reply."Yeah."
In a galaxy somewhere, their paths would have never crossed each other, parallel. But that galaxy was somewhere far, far from their reach and touch, somewhere far from reality.
Somewhere far, far like the tall city buildings in the distance from the view of their school building at two in the afternoon.
Changmin stared at the window with his palm resting against his cheek, eyes blinking slowly as he listened intently with the voices singing in his ears like cotton in his mind.
He'd like to dream of many things, of him working day and night as a pharmacist after college, buying a house, graduating high school, a degree and a tarpaulin outside his family home when he passes the board exams. Dreams only his mother could tell him of.
Not dreams of becoming a well acclaimed writer, chasing the world's adventures, or living on the edge of eternity, because dreams like those don't exist in Changmin's reality, they won't in his circumstances.
The voices in his head faded, slowly taking off one of his earphones as he turned around, feeling the urgent tap against his shoulder continuously in an annoying manner.
"What?" Changmin arched his eyebrow at his best friend and seatmate, Chanhee with a clearly displeased look who sat on the edge of his arm chair, reaching over to Changmin in the front.
"I've been calling your name six times already!" Chanhee complained, It's all he does during afternoon classes."We're heading to the AVR, bring your notebook and sci-cal."
Changmin scans the classroom as he takes both his earphones off, hoping Chanhee wasn't pulling some sort of joke on him for the sake of it.
Some of his classmates were indeed getting up from their seats, excited about the thought of being in an air-conditioned space instead of the poorly ventilated electric fans sustaining them in this room. He catches the sight of a notebook and a calculator tucked in someone's arms as he exits the room.
A silhouette approaches him in the corner of his eye like a steady tiger, and Changmin already knows what he's here for. Jungwoo does this every Thursday, during their second period, leaving him to wonder when he'll get tired of asking.
"Do you have an extra sci-cal—"
"No." Both Changmin and Chanhee were quick to cut him off, the pout forming on Jungwoo immediately.
So no, this was Changmin's reality, a highschool student in his tenth year, steady and boring, the excitement of growing up shaking off him like magic dust turned gray. Because all it felt was just chasing and chasing a continuous cycle.
"Have you heard?"Chanhee leaned next to him, clutching onto his arm as their uniforms pressed together for warmth in a freezing auditorium.
There's a slideshow playing on the projector, images of atoms and oxygen mass displayed with the looming shadows beneath the white cloth of the students' heads.
Changmin whispered back, never taking his eyes off the screen."Heard of what?"
"Hyunjae and Juyeon broke up during lunch break,"Chanhee continued, and for a second Changmin goes who?, because he doesn't keep up with the social hierarchy in their school."it was by the Victor statue—yes I was watching from the Humility Building balcony—and the whole thing was so awkward after."
"Who are we talking about again?"Changmin turned to squint his eyes, clearly not interested in Chanhee's little chatter.
" Hyunjae ! You know,"Chanhee tried explaining with these weird flailing hand gestures."Mr. Campus during last year's Intramurals. The one with the silver glitter tuxedo and shit."
"... I'm not keeping up."
A sigh."The motherfucker who ripped his pants during his talent segment."
Ah. The lightbulb in Changmin's brain lights up. Hyunjae, from eleventh grade.
Surely, Changmin has heard of Lee Hyunjae for only a handful of things; he was dating Juyeon of the basketball team, he was the friendly and outgoing guy of his class, and he ripped his pants in front of the whole school.
Which was a complete blunder, but Hyunjae managed to charm his way out of the question and answer segment for him to be crowned victorious in the end. Even if it was indeed embarrassing, Changmin guessed Hyunjae was thick faced enough to embrace it.
Although he's heard of Hyunjae, he's never talked to him despite them having one friend in common. Changmin doesn't like making friends outside his classroom; he finds it a bore and too much of an effort, since he's used to having older siblings around, he can't imagine being friends with someone the age of his older sister.
So he doesn't need, nor expects to ever become friends with Hyunjae. They don't really have to at all, because all Changmin cares about is graduating and doing whatever his mind thinks is the best way in life.
Changmin ends up sitting by the pathway of the Adversity building's entrance, facing right in front of the covered basketball court, watching the players do drills as the coach yells things he won't care about as the rain pours outside the built shade, a pathway wet a few inches away from him.
Maybe Changmin does regret signing up for the service bus, since he's always the last batch alone, and it's a drag to wait at least 30 minutes from release time. But his mother is a worrywart, always protective of him and the dangers of riding back home in a cruel city. He's not left with much choice after all.
Yet, all that thinking from the AVR two days ago comes back to haunt him, because someone takes a seat a bit farther from him on the line, and it had to be motherfucking Lee Hyunjae, fresh from after school duties and a duffel bag because he was cool . Of course.
For a split second, Changmin wonders why he's here. He could be going home already, judging from the umbrella strap hanging outside his bag. What was the use of waiting when everyone's gone home?
Well then it made sense, because everyone's gone home except for the basketball players. And guess who was a basketball player too? Lee Juyeon, of course.
It's kind of pitiful actually, Changmin thought as he watched Hyunjae glance at Juyeon from afar, like he's some sort of kicked puppy away from his owner. Clearly Juyeon was avoiding him, the latter turning around to not face Hyunjae despite his never leaving look of longing.
Changmin shrugged, well what does that have to do with me? , slumping against the wall as he takes out his earphones, still connected to his phone and plugs one in into his right ear.
Still, Hyunjae is there, something sad to look at, a garden wilting away. Changmin cannot imagine having a lot of feelings and emotions for a singular person, therefore he could never understand the rationality between Hyunjae's mind and heart in decision making. It sounded rash, to be honest.
Scrolling down his sweet Premium Spotify, (only taking a hefty balance out of his allowance for the price of a hundred pesos a month), he pressed shuffle onto the recommended OPM playlist, and let his thoughts run freely as the familiar chords of an electric guitar mix into them.
His left ear still can hear the sound of rain pitterpatting, the squeaking of shoes against the floorboards in steady and rapid paces, a whistle, and then, a voice.
"Waiting for someone?"
Changmin blinked, turning to his side as he saw Hyunjae looking right back with a curious glint into his bored eyes. With a quick glance behind him to make sure he wasn't imagining or mistaken for someone."Who, me?"
Hyunjae snorted a laugh, and it's kinda loud, wincing as it disrupts the mix in Changmin's head."Yeah, you."
"Service," Changmin motioned to the back gate with his thumb, awkwardness in his actions. Well, he wouldn't know how to talk to strangers. It's not his forte."I'm the last batch."
Changmin swallowed, cursing at the next words that left his mouth."And you?"
Which was stupid, because it was obvious who Hyunjae was waiting for, and Changmin should shut up right now. Good idea, let's shut up. The feeling of a hole swallowing him up and taking him away right now is what he truly needed.
"I'm waiting for someone, obviously.''Hyunjae motioned weakly with his thumb, copying Changmin in a way, to the basketball court. There is no malice in his tone, but only deflated-ness.
"Well, good luck?" Changmin offered, scratching the back of his nape sheepishly, until he realized what he implied to Hyunjae, his eyes widening." Waiting, I mean! I don't mean anything else—"
What most of Changmin would have expected was a frown, a twist of an expression and putting more distance between them as strangers, yet instead…
To his surprise, Hyunjae laughs, lighthearted and airy, anything but unhappy at Changmin. Leaving space for a million questions to fill Changmin's mind, watching the latter keel over as his shoulders shake. Why is he amused? Why is he laughing?? Is he okay?
"You're so awkward,"Hyunjae giggled, his eyes crinkling as he faced Changmin."It's funny."
Now it was time for Changmin to frown, clearly offended."Should you be making fun of someone you just met?"
Which was true, he barely knows his senior. And to think Changmin was trying to be nice for his sake! He could only huff in dismay. Basic politeness and manners were a thing too, didn't Hyunjae learn some GMRC back in his grade school days?
"Can't I?" Obviously, he did not.
Changmin would have opened his mouth to fire back at his infuriating senior, but the honk of the service bus cuts him off, so he waves a goodbye out of politeness, grabbing his bag off his seat and running out the gate, trying his best to avoid getting drenched.
He can hear Hyunjae yell something in the background, but it probably won't matter.
"Listen, I know you've been whining about Spotify expenses." Choi Chanhee slammed his books on the table, a loud thud. Changmin looks up from his phone, quirking an eyebrow. Silently hoping the librarian didn't mind the sudden ruckus, he checks before replying.
"And?"
"I've got a friend who knows a friend," Chanhee pulled the chair, an ear piercing screech which earned a few glares from the neighboring tables."Who's willing to pay if you share your account with him."
"Who?"
Because as what Changmin knows, Chanhee has only a handful of friends; including himself, Sunwoo, and Kevin from the next section. If he had to piece something together, it could be Sunwoo's same aged friends from the lower grades.
Or it could have been Kevin, and Kevin has a friend in eleventh grade; Jacob Bae. Changmin silently hoped it wasn't him, because Jacob meant eleventh grader friends, and he was sure the senior was also close friends with Hyunjae. The last thing he wants is an interaction with them.
(Chanhee indeed, said it was Jacob's friend.)
Please not him, please not him— Changmin silently hoped as he waited for Jacob and his friend to arrive, introductions and details for that.
Oh thank god , Changmin sighed in relief, seeing Jacob enter with another classmate, a face he doesn't recognize. Well, it's okay, as long as he's splitting the pay and still has some allowance to himself. Now he can buy more snacks in the afternoon.
Jacob spots him on the far end, as he waved, Changmin waving back in response. But something felt off, seeing the senior glance out the door, until the classmate leaves Jacob's side to join a group of students on the other side of the library.
Why. Changmin muttered to himself in disbelief. Because another figure joins Jacob, evidently entering and greeting his senior to his horror. Why.
And that was Lee Hyunjae; politely shaking his hand as if they were business partners. He smiled at Changmin brightly. But it didn't seem genuine enough to believe he was actually relieved to see him, rather looking forward to something.
"Nice to meet you again, Changmin."
Wow, he actually knows my name , Changmin wanted to snort, replying."Likewise."
"I'll text you the details of my paypal," Hyunjae had added. Hyunjae doesn't even have his number. Still, Changmin replied."Sure."
And that fake gleam of appreciation in Hyunjae's eyes gave Changmin a shiver down his spine. They both know, that this was painfully awkward and they don't want this. But Changmin wants his snacks back and Hyunjae needs his music.
On a Tuesday, Hyunjae actually texts. Changmin almost wanted to roll his eyes at the so-called effort the senior had put out in typing the formatting and account details.
Skimming through the emoticons and the overuse of exclamation points and caps by Hyunjae, he remembers to text back a few rules; to make your own playlist, to go offline if required, and to just not be an ass and steal the Spotify in general. Changmin cannot stand assholes stealing the Spotify without warning.
Changmin jots the account details and numbers down on an orange sticky note, because maybe Hyunjae's way of talking and texting was too bright for him, enough to remind him of that certain color.
There began Changmin's and Hyunjae's strange relationship; they surely weren't friends, but not that distant for acquaintances.
An exchange of messages, 'are u using the spotify¿' , to which Changmin texted back after washing the dishes for supper, back up in his room with his books splayed out on the desk. 'ill go offline if you need it'.
And a few minutes later, when he's a nose deep in his Araling Panlipunan homework, the phone vibrates against his desk, the screen lighting up. 'okay thanks mini hehe^_^' .
They don't talk that much as what anyone would expect (Read; Chanhee), the message app filled only talking about Spotify and account settlements. Maybe Changmin would have liked it that way. Keeping a certain distance meant less effort, less harm and less hassle.
Yet Changmin surely knows something a bit more about Hyunjae; not the occasional glance and greet in the hallway, nor the short and abrupt cheers on doing well on quizzes or reports when he sees Changmin with a paper bag full of rolled cartolinas in elastic bands.
But when Changmin's heading home on the service bus, opening his Spotify to check. Hyunjae listens to the Top 100 Philippines playlist when he waits for Juyeon, again and again he waits for Juyeon after practice. From Ben&Ben to Justin Bieber, the songs go on until 7, where it stops.
Changmin doesn't stay around for long to tell what happened next.
Hyunjae, after dinner at 9 pm played Arthur Nery and December Avenue on repeat, enough for Changmin to say what went on after the practices. He doesn't know exactly, but it all came down to Juyeon's avoidance, never closing the space between them.
It's obvious Hyunjae was still hung up, still waiting for a chance back into Juyeon's life. And all Changmin could do, was watch.
And it goes on just like that. They text, they pass glances in the hallway. Hyunjae has a grin on everytime he waves Changmin down, and Changmin doesn't have that inner gut feeling of awkwardness anymore. He halfheartedly waves back in response, sometimes a sheepish shrug. It's just the way Hyunjae has an effect on people.
"Minie!"
Changmin ignores the nickname, walking down the campus path a bit further. It's seven, the birds are chirping up in the Acacia trees where the sunlight can't reach them as the buildings towered over. The wind is fresh, the scent of mint leaves and asphalt in the morning.
"You're so cold to me!"He could tell Hyunjae was wearing a pout, like a brat, so with a sigh he walks a bit faster just to put up a show. He knows Hyunjae is going to catch up with him anyways.
The younger one scrutinized him with a quick glance."It's been a while."
"Don't say that!" Hyunjae scolded from behind."It makes us sound like we're distant!"
Changmin doesn't even bother rebutting back, feeling the looming presence behind him grow closer.
"Heading to class?" Hyunjae rushes up to him, sometimes linking their arms together to the boy's surprise.
Changmin deadpanned."Isn't it a bit obvious?"
Their fingers brush as they try to talk, going up the stairs. A hand over his shoulder the next week.
The first time, Changmin was taken aback by the skinship, strange and new to him from someone who wasn't Chanhee. So he tried his best to not tense up, letting the conversation flow.
Sure, he'd try to shake off Hyunjae, but he was a leech. An annoying pest. Unable to get rid off, always floating nearby. So less struggling and protesting meant less effort.
And as easily in the first month of payment, Changmin learned how to be a bit more expectant, casual and likely around it. But hey, he gets his snacks, thinking of the strawberry wafers he could buy with his excess money.
Hyunjae halts outside his classroom, shrugging as he puts a hand in his pocket."As much as I would love to continue this conversation, I have a math class to get to."
"See you later, I guess?" Changmin's tone is unsure, as if he was asking himself too. But he will see Hyunjae again, later in front of the Adversity's building, where Changmin waits for the service bus, as where Hyunjae waits for Juyeon again.
Hyunjae giggled lightly, and Changmin was horrified to find something in his gut twist in a different way. Or that wasn't his gut. But something leaped. Something he would never want to feel again, not now or ever.
"Sure, Minie."
'minie :P'
Minie. Changmin doesn't like it.
'intramurals is close! Have any song recs for the week¿ i liked your opm playlist btw'
Changmin rolled his eyes at the upside down question mark, but as usual didn't judge it. He texts back with a smile threatening to form, There's a warm feeling blooming in his chest, like a flower hopeful, waiting. Maybe they are friends for the one time.
'My Juliana or smth its somewhere there ' his fingers hover over the keyboard for a split second. Before they continue and he presses send. 'im glad you liked it'
Maybe Changmin's a little glad to meet Hyunjae, because there was someone to talk music to about. Songs were colors to Changmin, each one sounding like a season, a moment in time. It's probably because his family were such lovers of music, but it felt more exciting to rave.
And on rare occasions, Changmin opens Spotify to see Hyunjae listening to Kiyo's Ikaw Lang, and the laugh that bubbles up in his throat is melodious. He grabbed his phone from the desk, absolutely in disbelief.
On rare occasions, Changmin texts first. Words running through his mind as he typed out.'that song is so fucking you its actually hilarious'
'hello 2 u too why exactly is it me¿' another text pings up. 'right answers only :-\'
Changmin snickered, his thumbs pressed a few keys to respond back. 'its cheesy n shitty likeu'
'hey its not >:| ! We just have diff tast' Hyunjae is quick to add, but it was still too late. '*taste'
'tast' Changmin turned off his phone in contentment, leaving Hyunjae to rant about how it was his keyboard's fault and typos aren't a big deal, and instead plugged in his earphones. He drifts off, the male singer's voice wavering in his head like a metronome, back and forth.
The hour he wakes up, he has 40+ unread messages, the last one being a link to a song. Changmin unlocked his screen, seeing the past messages.
'this song reminds me of u its kinda funny too' , the link leading to Unique Salonga's Bukod Tangi, a lighthearted whistle and a beat but the lyrics were a bit… lonely. As if it was in a bubble, floating off to nowhere, an echo to the edge of the universe.
'im not a loner' Changmin wanted to type, but he accidentally scrolled up, seeing the messages before.
Hyunjae texted, twenty minutes ago before his last message bubble. 'its cute like u :)'
And curse Changmin, Changmin's heart who was weak to such words like that, beating just a bit faster at the compliment. Cute. He thinks I'm cute. Not knowing what to reply back as he clenched his fist out of anger in his flustered state. Are you kidding me?
He doesn't want false hope. Changmin doesn't want to believe he has a shot at something he shouldn't be wanting in the first place. He didn't think Hyunjae's words were of any importance. He would like to believe so.
So he'd believe it was friendly. Something only friends can say to each other. It was normal. He'd breathe in and breathe out, letting his head rest on his pillow, calming himself down.
Because reality knows when to remind him, when Intramurals rolls back and Hyunjae's left in front of the Adversity Building, waiting for Juyeon once more. He always does. And all Changmin could do was watch.
Watch as Hyunjae's eyes don't have much joy left in them, watching Juyeon talk to Eric a bit too close for comfort. How Juyeon turns around to meet Hyunjae's gaze with nothing but pity, only to never return the same way the latter looked at him.
That night Hyunjae listened to Can't Smile Without You on loop, which was painfully obvious he was going through the whole yearning phase, because every goddamn loser in the country listened to that song when they needed some closure from a no-label relationship.
Heck, did they even have a relationship left to scavenge for? Changmin has never heard the full story, but he was sure the two of them broke up.
It felt like a place out of reach for Changmin. An area he could cross, but there was a gut feeling that held him back. These were borders that blurred the line between his idea of what normal friends could be, and something else that connected more to a more emotional leaning.
He doesn't want to.
He doesn't want to. Changmin thought. But I had to.
It's in the crowd of the live band playing by the stage in the night of the final day of Intramurals, seven pm where Changmin should've been at home eating his dinner and listening to his songs.
The celebration of the Mr. And Mrs. Campus wins were a must attend, since everyone could enjoy the night and get lost for once in the songs and the parties.
Watching Hyunjae give away his crown to this year's winner was something awfully familiar, not only to Changmin, but to everyone who watched with bated breaths.
And he could see the way his smile never reached his eyes, the crown lifted off his own head as he gently placed it on someone else's, with everyone clapping, Changmin couldn't bring himself to do so during the ceremony.
Hyunjae is next to him, their shoulders brushing slightly as he looks off into the distance, and Changmin exactly knows what he's looking at. He knows he should stop Hyunjae from hurting himself and setting himself up.
"Hyunjae!" Changmin yelled over the cheers, when the live band awfully started plucking at familiar chords. A familiar tune everyone knew the fucking intro to.
The latter turned to him, eyes a bit glossy, Changmin grew scared of the strange sight, so new to him."Yeah?" his voice cracked a bit, approaching closer.
Callily's Magbalik started playing, because who else didn't know this song? Every person knew the chords to the guitar, to the piano, or even their mouths could imitate just the same way with the matching air guitar finger motion. It's awfully cheesy for it to start playing right now in this situation.
"Don't look." Changmin could only offer right now was to be right next to him when the world moved a bit too fast."Don't look at them."
For the first time, Hyunjae doesn't answer back with his whines, his comebacks or his teasing; but just a miserable self-deprecating exhale, like walls crumbling away to reveal who Hyunjae was deep inside.
Not the bright and bubbly senior everyone has gotten used to in their high school years, but someone who managed to fool himself a bit longer, because he was painfully still in love with his ex-boyfriend.
And everyone's singing along to the crowd to the chorus, waving their hands to the rhythm. In that crowd, there's a pair wearing the same bracelet, hearts beating at the same pace.
"Hyunjae," Changmin called out again.
Juyeon and Eric are smiling at each other, Eric donning the Mr. Campus crown on his head, Juyeon right next to him. It's a sight everyone sees, a sight Hyunjae doesn't want to see.
Changmin tried a bit more harder, not standing it anymore."Hyunjae."
It's until Changmin crosses that line when he intertwines their fingers, Hyunjae finally glances back quickly, and there are tears streaming down his eyes, but the once miserable expression contorted into surprise.
Their hands clasped, Changmin squeezed it a bit tighter with a smile out of comfort."The song fucking sucks, right?"
It takes a split second, before Hyunjae uses his free hand to wipe off his tears on his sleeve, a wet laugh leaving his throat and a sniffle."Yeah. It sucks."
By the time the song ends, Changmin still has his hand in Hyunjae's, the crowd dispersing and they end up in the Adversity building's bathroom, quiet and dark where nobody can find them for a while.
"Thanks Minie," Hyunjae sniffled out of gratitude, wobbly as he pressed his head in the crook of Changmin's shoulders, holding onto him as tight as he could. As if Changmin was a life vest in Hyunjae's endless journey in the sea.
A sea of self hatred, of delusion and believing there was still a chance. Changmin never learned about love like this, and now he doesn't want to anymore. He's afraid he might have already.
But maybe he'll be by Hyunjae's side a bit longer, just because he wanted to, even if his want was fueled by something unknown.
Hyunjae's eyes are red and puffy, his nose the same shade by the time they leave the bathroom. All Changmin could offer was a remark, a song, a hum of a jolly tune to brighten up the mood.
Their hands still intertwined warmly as Changmin sang," Rudolph , the rednosed reindeer—"
And Hyunjae laughed obnoxiously despite his messy appearance, like the day they met again in front of the building when it rained.
"Let's go home together?"
It's the first time Hyunjae asked, holding out his arm when Changmin steps down from the stairwell. There are a flow of students going in and out the building doors, occasionally glancing at the two.
The streamers from Intramurals are being taken down, a week since the event and regular classes to upcoming exams rolling in with no warning. Therefore it was a surprise to see him again so soon, when the seniors were busy with college settlements.
"Huh?" Changmin blinked.
"Let's. Go. Home. Together." Hyunjae slowed down for him, taking a pause at every word to emphasize for clarification.
" Together? "
"Yeah, together." The senior shoved a hand inside his pocket, snickering with a raise of his eyebrows."Unless you need a stop by the clinic to get your head checked up."
When Ji Changmin strided down from the stairs, he stomped onto Hyunjae's dumb and newly bought flats from Regatta with much needed force.
He's never gone home with anyone before, because Chanhee lived in the opposite direction as him. He was also a Service Bus user, therefore he could have just got on that instead.
There's a sour feeling, the memory of Lee Hyunjae being his first ride-home buddy.
Changmin doesn't want to bestow the honor upon him, but it's too late when they're on a jeepney to Diversion Square, the roads growing busier at every passing minute.
Of course, he should have seen the usual pushing and squeezing in when riding a jeep during these hours, especially when a city never learns how to die in nighttime. Maybe he should have declined the senior's offer and got on the Service bus instead.
He should have declined, because Hyunjae is cramped next to him, his perfume annoyingly all up in Changmin's breathing space, suffocating as he scrunched his nose.
Changmin doesn't want to look up or move his head, because he's sure it's bound to meet Hyunjae's face, and the idea of being so close to him was enough to be a warning sign, a big red exclamation in the back of his head.
"Do you want to share music?" Changmin feels the hairs on the back of his head stand up, Hyunjae's breath is audibly warm and near him, ghosting off the side of his face.
Changmin swallowed down with a nod, grabbed the earphone in Hyunjae's grasp and plugged it in without trying to squirm as much as possible.
Hyunjae chuckled, still too close for his liking, every syllable fanning lowly like a feather"s graze."You okay there?"
"Shut up and play the song already."
Ten minutes in, it's not bad, the passengers gradually decreasing at every stop, the space between them loosening up to his relief. Hyunjae is nice enough to even hand the fare directly to the driver across the window, not needing for it to pass through Changmin.
Overdrive By Conan Gray is faintly playing in his right ear, feet tapping, and when he checked on Hyunjae, a smile made a way on his face when he saw the latter mouthing the lyrics with a careless sway in his head.
You look dumb . Changmin could have said. He could have said a lot of things to make fun of Hyunjae; his boxy smile, the way his eyes crinkle when he does that annoying laugh, the excitement in his voice when he talks about his favorite songs. But he can't.
His throat is a temple, carved with words that only he himself can hear, and no else can either. Silently waiting, for it is there, a message he doesn't want to understand yet.
By the time they're getting off Diversion Square, Changmin has to bid goodbye to Hyunjae for the night before he crosses to the other side of the four-way intersection, a line of jeepneys in waiting.
"Changmin!"
He turned around, arching his eyebrow. Hyunjae hesitates with a step, before he slowly grinned."Get home safe! I'll pray for your safety!"
The younger one blows a raspberry at him, sticking his tongue out as Hyunjae continued, embarrassingly in front of a sidewalk of waiting passengers."I'll be very sad if you don't! So get home safe, please?"
"Idiot! Don't say things like that!"Changmin's cheeks flaring up visibly to his words.
Still not quite the right time to be telling that to him, since it's past six thirty, skies dark and only lampposts lighting the way home, enough to leave a scare for both himself and his worrywart mother.
Don't say things like that. The thought still lingers by even if he sees the familiar houses lined up, almost home. Changmin glanced out the window, closing his eyes with a sigh. I might just believe it for once.
It's been six months since they first met, there are six playlists and a thousand messages to Hyunjae in his phone, an upcoming birthday in his calendar in November, and a certificate for second quarterlies slipped through his student hand manual.
"What's a memory you want to forget?" Changmin asked, hands stretching out to the sky, grass tickling underneath his skull as he traced shapes. With a smirk, he pestered."Is it the pants thing—"
" No way!" Hyunjae was quick to refuse, nudging a squirming Changmin with his elbow lightly."I've gotten over that already."
The younger one bites his lips, faltering at his suggestion quietly. He didn't mean to ask, but it's been bothering him since then. "...Is it what happened at Intramurals then?"
He doesn't get a reply back immediately, as he lets his sore arm fall back onto the ground to rest. The afternoon sky is blue, out of reach across the universe, clouds splattered like paint in his eyes.
Maybe in another world, another universe, they'd never met. They would be two strangers, lying down on the grass fields under a shade, a tree carved with initials of anyone who came across its bark.
"...No." Hyunjae whispered back, and Changmin never understood why."I don't want to forget that either."
But even if Hyunjae came to him with a face he hadn't seen, a voice he'd never heard, Changmin would still know it's him.
Because somewhere in the universes of alternates and parallels, there was a voice that called his name one more time.
And in the universes, he hoped the Ji Changmin and Lee Hyunjae of another world were carving their name into the bark of the Acacia with their initials; not in a heart, but a strangely shaped circle. Maybe because Hyunjae has weak wrist strength, but because they're in the same space, the same bubble, the same song.
He believed his eyes were a shutter, and his memory was a storage cluttered. Everytime Hyunjae turned to him once more, spoke to him as if they've forgotten the world, he takes a picture and remembers it, keeps it away to somewhere.
And Changmin should've asked instead of laughing, instead of teasing and bickering all this time. Because he wants to know when the words are carved in his throat, but he is a temple, where his prayers are heard only within. Do you see me the way I see you?
It's until he's in his room four days later, caught up with his exams and a lingering gloom from the stress clouding right above him. Changmin opens his laptop, placing down his mug of Swiss Miss by the side as he sighed.
His heart is a traitor, betraying him the moment he sees Hyunjae's device using the Spotify, playing Earth, Wind and Fire's September; straight from a playlist Changmin made that reminded him of his childhood. Like fireworks, setting alight inside him.
There was something truly pleasant and tender knowing Hyunjae found comfort in Changmin's childhood favorites, enough to leave the warmth in his chest, a kindling fireplace lit.
And as he opened the youtube tab and search bar, he plays it too when he cracks open his notes; hoping Hyunjae was thinking of him too, the same way Changmin is now, in a different place but listening to the same song.
But the fire burns forever, it burns and flickers in a neverstopping lifetime once it's left inside by itself.
"Hyunjae," both Changmin and Hyunjae turned around, already making their way out the gate.
And for a second, Changmin thinks its a sick joke; some lie with the turn of events unfolding. How the timing could be impeccable. He could laugh if he wanted to.
"Can we talk?" Juyeon is standing there, clad in his basketball uniform, sweaty and jittery. Changmin's blood boils, like something snapping in the back of his head, as he clenched his fists, itching to shove one of them into Juyeon's face; after all this time, now you want to talk?
Changmin turned to Hyunjae with a glare, ready to give him a piece of his mind. Because Juyeon's hurt him so much, left him without another chance, and Hyunjae deserved so much more than a measly apology, he deserved to be loved—
For a second, the world seemed like a different place, a different color.
Oh. Hyunjae's eyes are soft, pleading, the anger in Changmin cracking at it's seams like something of a million tiny pieces across the universe. Why?
Changmin feels his knuckles loosen, fingers weak and the flame inside him silences, dies the moment Hyunjae has the same recognizable emotion he wore everyday in front of the Adversity building. It's still there, it was always there.
The flame inside Changmin silences, but the one in Hyunjae never died.
He whispered, he can't even bring himself to smile anymore, if he did it would crack open Changmin's shell."Go."
It's kind of pitiful actually, Changmin laughed bitterly, self deprecating to himself.
Hyunjae's last silent glance before he and Juyeon walk away, somewhere where his eyes couldn't find them at all. And they looked so perfect together, shoulders close and hands swaying awkwardly.
He wanted to be angry, to be angry at Hyunjae and at himself. But he just couldn't, and he wanted to know why, because all it could do was leave him lost and wretched in a daze.
Why couldn't he look away? When he knew if he did any longer, he might just crumble down apart. Changmin bites his lip with a tremble, blinking his tears away rapidly and the words carved in his throat strangle him.
Whatever was left of the flames inside him were ashes, ashes that filled darkness and a hole gaping in his chest, all this time Changmin was hollow.
So in the next universe, in the parallel worlds there could be, he wished they never met. So he would have never fallen in love again with Lee Hyunjae, then he could've never dreamed of something only he could dream of.
He could delete all of Hyunjae's photos, his memories, the lyrics they know by heart and mind, and then he could never be like this ever again. For he had lost a battle he never was going to win in the first place.
Because Hyunjae listens to Changmin's favorite songs, feels all of Changmin's favorite feelings and colors, but thinks about Lee Juyeon in the edge of eternity.
"Have you heard?"
Changmin looked out the window, earphones plugged in but volume low enough to hear Chanhee's chatter from behind in a hushed class, the teacher checking their quizzes in front.
He replied back."What?"
"Eric broke up with Juyeon months ago,"Chanhee whispered, arms resting against the back of Changmin's seat."Everyone's saying Juyeon's still in love with Hyunjae."
The music in his ears becomes white noise to him, his chest squeezing tighter at the thought. It's been a month since he last talked to Hyunjae, after everything that happened.
A month since he cut off everything from Hyunjae, as much painful as it would have been. All his sticky notes, his text messages, his number, all were nothing but backtracks in the background of Changmin's life.
So no, this was Ji Changmin's reality; he was going to graduate junior high school in a week, get a medical degree in college, his mother would print a tarpaulin outside his house when he passed the board exams. Then he'd become a pharmacist, and buy a house and live a bit farther from the edge.
And then, then he'd forget Lee Hyunjae's lingering playlists, his laugh and smile. His words and then his voice, then his face. Then he could only live in Changmin's life as a memory from now on.
"Good for them, then."
It's that feeling in the air again.
The seats aren't empty, head bobbing along with the jeepney on every pass, on every road. He closes his eyes. The warm sunlight gleaming from the open windows against his shoes, the fast paced wind that danced against his face. Changmin likes all of these things.
He opens his eyes, Hyunjae is always there.
"Changmin." Hyunjae's across him on the jeepney, Juyeon next to him holding onto the bar support. The three of them on the way to Division Square in an afternoon, the sunlight gleaming, and Changmin almost reminisced about everything all over again.
In this universe, Hyunjae and Juyeon are wearing a different uniform than him now, and they're sharing earphones as they sway at every bump in the road. Hands intertwined, the same feeble smile."Hi."
And if Lee Hyunjae came to Ji Changmin with a face he'd never seen, a voice he'd never heard, he'd still know him, but he would never come across his path again, no matter how beautiful it felt to him.
So Changmin, eleventh grade, listening on his own, mustered all of his strength to reply back with a tilt in his head, the melancholy in his voice long gone."It's been a while."