Archive of Our Own

Jaehyun knows what he is doing when he sticks closer to Sangyeon than necessary at this little get-together. He is patient as Sangyeon drinks and his mind soaks in the relaxed attitude which loosens his inhibitions. Jacob looks irritated, glancing across the room each time Jaehyun and Sangyeon get a bit too loud whilst laughing at the same jokes. 

Though Jaehyun knows what he is doing, he cannot deny the embarrassing fact that he is getting carried away. Since the last time they fell out, Jaehyun has acutely understood what it is that draws him to Sangyeon. There are certain jokes that only Sangyeon can tell, certain anecdotes and facts that only Sangyeon makes interesting, even though Jaehyun will still cringe and disparage the comments. That is all part of their push and pull and the unfocused brightness in Sangyeon’s eyes is clear. He knows this too, that's why he keeps smiling and he allows his hands to rest in places which are considered indecent in polite company. 

Jacob is the one who says, 'indecent in polite company,' because Jaehyun would never consider this particular configuration of friends to be polite at all. Jaehyun just rolls his eyes and wonders what spurred Jacob into doing something so cliché. Ambushing Jaehyun on his way out of the toilets is a bit extreme. Probably not quite as cool as a tipsy Jacob imagines he is being. 

"I'm not doing anything," Jaehyun says with a wave of his hand. 

"You know you are doing something," Jacob says, oddly steady. It feels like being told off but Jacob hasn't even launched into the issue. Jaehyun doesn't like it. He might have sought advice from Jacob in the past but he likes to think that at this stage he is handling it. 

"What am I doing then?" He challenges. 

"You know you're not friends yet," Jacob says. "Sangyeon also told me to make sure that no funny business occurs. You've made sure he drank enough that he can use that as an excuse, but I am putting a stop to it. Leave him alone."

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. "You're overreacting. We're just having some fun at a party. Like old times." 

Jacob pulls Jaehyun close, nose-to-nose, and his eyes are sharp. "Stop it, Jaehyun, I'm being serious." 

Jacob can be as serious as he likes. Jaehyun says he understands, though he knows he isn't convincing anyone. He returns to the living room and the expectant look from Sangyeon is perfect. Jaehyun intended to return to him all along and seeing the expression on Sangyeon’s face makes him certain that he is doing the right thing. 

"Hey," Jaehyun says, reclaiming his seat beside Sangyeon and squeezing his knee. It doesn't matter that Chanhee gets annoyed about being cut off from his conversation. His bony fingers are surprisingly ineffective when it comes to spiteful things like pinching. Jaehyun can pretend he doesn't feel a thing when Sangyeon looks so glad to see him again. 

"Hey." 

"Do you want to get out of here?" 

Sangyeon presses his lips together, hesitates before nodding. Maybe Jaehyun is pushing his luck but their friendship always has been a bit odd, mainly because Jaehyun has spent most of the time refusing to call Sangyeon his friend. 

They're friends and they can leave the rest of their friends a bit early if that's what they want to do with their friendship. Jacob tries to pipe up but Sangyeon tells him not to leave the front door unlocked. Success. Sangyeon has no plans to go home tonight and Jaehyun is more than happy to give him somewhere to stay. 

*

"Was coming here a bad idea?" Sangyeon asks, lying on Jaehyun's bed. It is probably a bit late to ask this. They held hands whilst walking through the balmy night and they did nothing but talk about the weather. They spent a long time kissing. And just when Jaehyun is taking the time to fetch them drinks, Sangyeon is asking awful questions. 

"I live here, so I don't know about coming here being a bad idea," Jaehyun offers. "Do you think it is a bad idea?" 

Sangyeon shrugs and gazes up at the ceiling. 

"I think it was. We came straight to your bed. We didn't even pretend to sit out in the living room like what normal friends do."

Jaehyun sighs and sits on the edge of the bed. "We're normal friends, aren't we?" 

"Do you often bring Chanhee straight to your bedroom?" Sangyeon poses. 

He's the worst. The absolute worst. Jaehyun can't stand this man. 

"No. Of course I don't bring Chanhee to bed. You're annoying. Maybe you should get out of my bed." 

Sangyeon closes his eyes and nods. "I should." 

"Don't," Jaehyun pleads. Sangyeon keeps his eyes closed though his lips pull into a smile. 

The two of them are friends in an awkward way. They have pretended to start over though Jaehyun knows he hasn't forgotten a single moment of their life before now. They fell in love with each other. Separately. Miserably. Right now, Jaehyun is sure he is still in love all on his own. 

They can have drinks later. Right now is more important. 

Jaehyun settles onto the bed beside Sangyeon and wonders why even this feels so downright miserable. This is a man Jaehyun learnt to love and he has regrets about offering his own. 

"Do you want to watch a couple of movies and sleep? I can sleep in Haknyeon's room if you want." 

Sangyeon shakes his head. When he opens his eyes to see Jaehyun so close he doesn't flinch away. He smiles, cautious. 

"I don't want to sleep. Not yet. I miss you," Sangyeon whispers. He sighs and trails his knuckle against Jaehyun's jaw. "I miss Jaehyun." 

That isn't good. As far as Jaehyun is aware, Sangyeon only knows one other Jaehyun and that guy isn't even real. It isn't good, yet Jaehyun can't help but wonder whether this is the right thing to do. 

What else does Jaehyun have to offer aside from dignity (and perhaps the will to live)? 

"He misses you too. I miss you." 

Sangyeon pulls Jaehyun close, breath sharp with alcohol. Almost close enough to kiss but they remain a sigh apart. 

Ordinarily Jaehyun would be patient. He would wait and see whether this was what Sangyeon really wanted, but this was something he wanted too much not to take. 

Sangyeon sighs into the kiss, Jaehyun feels the smile against his own mouth. It is like being played with and Jaehyun wonders how much more of this he deserves. He truly is sorry for everything he did to make their previous friendship crumble, especially now that the foundations reveal the structure he'd never noticed in the blueprints. 

From the very start, from the first time they smudged the lines of their acquaintanceship and had sex, Jaehyun should have considered that it was a bad idea. They have been doing this for years, for too long for the arrangement to remain compartmentalised. They have always been friends of friends, trapped in the same circles and finding benefit amongst the convenience, yet Jaehyun should have thought about the possibility of them becoming friends in their own right. He should have realised that he wouldn't mind the man who could take him apart piece by piece. He should have realised that friends like Jacob wouldn't surround themselves with the worst people in the world. He should have realised that he might one day want to receive all the love that Sangyeon had to offer. 

For a moment, Jaehyun can pretend he has never made a mistake where Sangyeon is concerned. He is allowed to touch, and kiss, and peel away the layers which reveal the tender heart of the man he loves. 

This isn't an opportunity Jaehyun thinks to waste. He remembers every part of Sangyeon’s body and how tickles and touches make him react. Knowing that Sangyeon hasn't forgotten anything about him either is a relief. 

It doesn't feel real. It is too normal, the two of them together is just how things should be. There were too many times Jaehyun took their closeness for granted as they basked in the afterglow. They weren't together. They were nothing more than two people who could sometimes be friends. Except the two of them are nothing like friends. 

They will be friends again one day. As Jaehyun holds Sangyeon to his chest, skin uncomfortably tacky, he is sure that they will find a place better than they ever were before. 

In the quiet of the night, certain that Haknyeon will decide against returning home, glad of this illusion of privacy and feeling somewhat brave, Jaehyun clears his throat. 

"You know what we haven't done forever?" he asks. Sangyeon shakes his head, eyes remaining closed as his lips curve. He is too easy when it comes to things like this. He is nowhere easy enough when it comes to winning him back. Shallowly, Jaehyun strokes his fingertips through the stiff grit of Sangyeon’s hair. "Toast bath." 

"Toast bath?" Sangyeon repeats. He lifts his head and his eyes are soft as he peers at Jaehyun. 

"Don't act like you're not excited," Jaehyun says. He pinches Sangyeon’s side for good measure and tries not to smile too widely at how the other man squirms against him. 

"Why would I be excited?" 

"You love toast bath," Jaehyun insists. 

"I don't think that's true." 

It is true. It absolutely must be true. Just to be sure, Jaehyun pulls out all the stops. Of course Haknyeon has finished Jaehyun's bubble bath (though Haknyeon always complains about Jaehyun's frequent stress baths so it isn't fair that he has the gall to use up all of the bubble bath on the wire shelves in the bathroom) but it is fine. He can improvise. Armed with three bath bombs and an assortment of scented candles, Jaehyun is ready and calls Sangyeon into the bathroom. 

"Were you naked in my kitchen?" 

"Am I supposed to get dressed just to make toast?" Sangyeon asks, wiping crumbs off his face with the back of his hand. "It's cold, by the way. You spent fifteen minutes running this bath and the toast is soggy and cold." 

Jaehyun opens his mouth. After rolling his eyes, Sangyeon feeds him a slice of toast. It is soggy, and cold, and disappointing. Perfect. 

"I won't mention anything to Hak. Come on, let's get into our toast bath." 

The water is lightly steaming and seeps into all the niggles and aches Jaehyun hadn't even realised he had. Settled against Sangyeon’s chest, eating cold toast, Jaehyun hasn't ever been happier. 

"This is perfection," Jaehyun sighs. 

"What are you talking about?" Sangyeon scoffs. "I couldn't even have raisin toast. I just had to eat this stale, own-brand bread and pretend it is good enough." 

"I'll be prepared next time," Jaehyun promises whilst giving up on his current slice of toast. He drips bathwater onto the plate as he replaces his already-soggy toast. 

Sangyeon sighs and puts his toast on the plate too before jostling Jaehyun's dreamlike comfort to drop the plate on the floor. Once they are settled again, Sangyeon drapes his arms over Jaehyun's shoulders. 

"There's going to be a next time?" 

"There are going to be lots of next times if I can help it." 

If it wasn't ever a possibility again, Sangyeon would have said now. Jaehyun is certain. As things are, Sangyeon trails his fingers up Jaehyun's neck and leads him to tilt his head up. There are still crumbs and butter sliding between their mouths, however Jaehyun has had worse kisses. Out of all the ways to kiss all the people in the world, Jaehyun's favourite kisses always start and end at Sangyeon’s lips. 

*

For a while, things seem like they could be okay. They slept together and the morning after wasn't washed in regret. The magic of holding their breath doesn't fade away when Jaehyun's lungs are burning. He breathes in and everything is fine. They get to do it all again and again and again. 

The situation isn't the perfect ease and synergy which Jaehyun wants, though he is grateful for this much. He has wasted so much time before now that he refuses to take a single second for granted. Even having to wake up early for work the next day, he refuses to be the one to cut their phone calls short. 

"Am I boring you?" Sangyeon asks, smile bleeding through the phone line. 

Jaehyun finishes his yawn and shakes his head despite the fact that he can't be seen. 

"No. Never. Tell me all about dilly-dally." 

"Dither," Sangyeon corrects. He is perfect. "It is boring, how can you lie to me like this? What do you want to talk about instead?" 

Jaehyun is about ready to fall asleep so he hasn't a clue what subject to even bring up. His brain can't formulate anything useful. 

"Whatever you want to talk about. You can talk and I will just listen and appreciate how perfect and brilliant you are," Jaehyun says, hoping that this time he successfully masks his yawn. 

"You're insufferable," Sangyeon grumbles. "I just thought that seeing as we're meant to be friends you wouldn't mind that we had some conversations that didn't turn into phone sex." 

"That was an option?" Jaehyun asks. 

Sangyeon sighs. "We should have just gone with that. It would have been better than me boring you to death like this." 

"No," Jaehyun says, alert. "I'm not bored. Sangyeon, you're the second funniest guy I know."

"Is the first person you?"

That is a fair point. Jaehyun hasn't even considered himself yet. He takes a second to amend. "Sangyeon, you're the third funniest guy I know!" 

Sangyeon laughs his stupid, perfect giggle that makes Jaehyun's heart flop around uselessly in his chest. 

"If I keep reminding you of people, will I get knocked down the rankings?" 

If Jaehyun was with Sangyeon right now, he could kiss him quiet and press him into the mattress, and then probably fall asleep on top of him. It is super late and even Jaehyun's bedroom ceiling is beginning to look a lot like the inside of his eyelids. For now, alone and bone tired, Jaehyun can only hum his denial. 

"You're a solid three." 

"I need to work harder. What would make you like me more?" Sangyeon asks. 

"It's literally impossible for me to like you any more than I do." 

A hum. "I think you could like me more. I could change and you'd like me a lot more than you do now."

Jaehyun wrenches his eyes open. He needs to wake himself up. 

"Sangyeon, I'm serious. I'm so serious right now," Jaehyun says, steadying his breath as well as he can. "If I liked you any more than I do, not having you with me would be deadly. I'd be eaten up by the fact day in, day out." 

He is being more honest than he should be but Sangyeon needs to hear words like this. Right now the distance isn't so much pain as it is an irritation gnawing at his insides. Gradually, day by day, he feels atom-fine layers of himself wearing away and that is okay. He still has time to win Sangyeon over. He still has time before acid leaks through his veins and burns up his body all because he has been patient for too long. He will work things out before then. 

Sangyeon sighs. The phoneline crackles. 

"There is something about me right now that you wouldn't like." 

"Try me," Jaehyun says. "Tell me. I bet I will still like you as much. Or more. I could end up liking you more." 

"No," Sangyeon whispers, "not this. I want to be selfish. I want to believe that you really do like me as much as you say." 

Jaehyun tries to be firm. These days he doesn't miss any chance to tell Sangyeon what he thinks. Except for this time. Before he can even say a thing, Sangyeon is saying,"Good night, Jaehyun. Sleep well soon."

He tries to wish Sangyeon good night in return but the line is already dead. Fine. There are plenty of opportunities for Jaehyun to tell him goodnight. 

*

There is one thing about Sangyeon that Jaehyun works out that he doesn't like. 

Jaehyun doesn't need to be a detective to work out that Sangyeon is seeing anyone. It isn't because Sangyeon is obvious about the fact — he actually reveals nothing about this himself — and it has everything to do with Younghoon asking him, "Has Sangyeon’s new boyfriend tried to follow you on Instagram too?" 

Hardly a subtle clue, but also an incorrect one. 

"Sangyeon doesn't have a boyfriend," Jaehyun retorts confidently. No matter how confident he is in real life, his stupid avatar onscreen dies pathetically, no thanks to Younghoon. "Why do you keep making me come to this gaming café? I'm too beautiful to come here and absorb all this nerd energy." 

"You loved the nerd energy every time you came here with Sangyeon," Younghoon mutters. He dies shortly afterwards and glares at Jaehyun. "The power of denial isn't going to make it false, you know. He has a boyfriend. Some guy called Chu Wontae. I'll show you proof." 

Jaehyun doesn't want proof. It isn't true anyway. Even before the idiotic catfishing, Sangyeon wouldn't have got a boyfriend without forcing Jaehyun to listen to the pros and cons first. Now that everything caused the cracks in their friendship has occurred Jaehyun is more certain. Sangyeon loves him. He wouldn't start going out with someone else. 

When Younghoon shoves his phone in Jaehyun's face, reality seems to crumble into the fissures resulting from the what-ifs between himself and Sangyeon. He holds Younghoon's phone steady, notices that this picture must be on Chu Wontae's Instagram. Sangyeon’s profile is conspicuously devoid of human life which makes seeing the breadth of this smile on his face, the beatific glow as he looks at the person pulling him in close, ache. 

It can't be real. Jaehyun hasn't seen an expression like this on Sangyeon’s face for a long time. For too long, his smiles have been tinged with melancholy and self-deprecation. This Wontae's existence is apparently enough to slough all of that nonsense away and leave Sangyeon with unadulterated joy. 

It should be him, or the other fictional Jaehyun who can do that. This guy is a stranger. Jaehyun hasn't ever heard of him, doesn't have a clue when he has had time to insert himself into Sangyeon’s life and take him on dates to overcast pebble beaches and make him laugh like he hasn't got a care in the world. 

"Sorry," Younghoon offers as he reaches to reclaim his phone. "I just thought I should mention it because of my birthday trip."

Jaehyun swallows against the lump in his throat. "What birthday trip?" 

"Chanhee is organising a surprise camping trip for my birthday. I assume he's inviting you because you're my best friend and he will probably invite Sangyeon too because they're very close. I didn't want anything to take you by surprise." 

"How kind of you to think of me," Jaehyun says. "Wait. Didn't you just say the camping trip is a surprise for you? How do you know about this?" 

Younghoon smiles, soft and shy. "I saw his search history. And then Changmin told me about it." 

"Chanhee is going to be so mad that you know," Jaehyun warns. He pushes the keyboard out of the way and leans across the desk to be more comfortable as he scrutinises his bashful friend. "Have you considered practicing your surprised face?" 

Younghoon makes an attempt. He looks mildly inconvenienced at best. 

"That's terrible." 

"It's good," Younghoon whines. "Do you think Chanhee won't believe me? He loves me, doesn't he?" 

"He can still get mad at you. Love doesn't stop people from being upset. In fact with someone like Chanhee it makes him more upset." 

Younghoon's face breaks into a grin, though not quite for the reason Jaehyun had hoped. "Are you still trying to convince yourself that Chanhee loves you?" 

"He does love me! He even told me that he values my friendship and the constant banter," Jaehyun insists. 

"When did he say this?" Younghoon asks, propping his chin in his hand. "The last time I heard him mention you, he called you a rat." 

Jaehyun sighs. Younghoon is so selective sometimes. He even ignored the part about appreciating banter. 

"He loves me," Jaehyun says, full of confidence. "He loves me enough that he won't even consider inviting that guy who is obviously not Sangyeon’s boyfriend." 

Younghoon doesn't look so sure but Jaehyun has faith. The universe wouldn't impede the progress he has made with Sangyeon. 

*

"He's a drug dealer," Jaehyun says, "obviously!" 

"What makes you say that?" Sooyoung asks as she inspects a set of napkin rings. Despite their size she attempts to wear them on her fingers. 

Jaehyun takes a moment to think. "He just obviously is a drug dealer. His name is Chu Wontae. He even sounds like a drug dealer, right?" 

As Sooyoung flutters her fingers, Jaehyun takes the hint. He slides a napkin ring off her finger and attempts to hook it onto her nose. Sooyoung slaps his hands away and takes to decorating Jaehyun's ears with the remaining rings. 

"You're disgusting. Stupid. How many drug dealers do you know? We could do with that sort of money for the stupid presents your friends and their stupid wedding."

"My friends?" Jaehyun scoffs. "Are you talking about Haknyeon's fake wedding? Last time I checked, his fake girlfriend was your friend." 

"Jiwoo's not my friend. She's… something I'm not responsible for." 

Jaehyun is certain that Sooyoung should be responsible for the woman who Haknyeon is head-over-heels for. In all honesty Jaehyun is so glad that Haknyeon is in love with Jiwoo because he is sort of in love with Jiwoo's friend Sooyoung. This is a different sort of love to the one he is certain of with Sangyeon. He is scared just as much here as he is with Sangyeon, though he has learnt his lesson already and is living as a brave man. 

Jaehyun is very brave and has taken to inviting Sooyoung out to complain about his roommate and his totally real (fake) engagement. The problem is that he has already started complaining about Sangyeon and she already knows what a loser he is. He is too brave right now. Though he knows he should be a coward, he can't stop being brave. 

"If Jiwoo was going out with a drug dealer, you'd warn her, wouldn't you?" 

"I wish Jiwoo had warned me about you. Actually, I think she did warn me and I didn't listen because I thought she was telling me about her stupid boyfriend." 

"Haknyeon isn't… that stupid," Jaehyun offers.

"You're stupider, right? Accusing someone of being a drug dealer because you're jealous of them," Sooyoung offers in return. She is right but Jaehyun is right too. He has evidence on Instagram. Stupid Chu Wontae has a public account ripe and ready to be judged. 

"Look at his phone. Would a person who doesn't sell drugs have a phone like this? And carry their money loose in their pockets? He should be in prison where he can't kiss Sangyeon’s neck on Instagram." 

Sooyoung nods, staring blankly at Jaehyun's phone screen whilst shedding the napkin rings and putting them back on the shelf. 

"I don't think that man is a drug dealer, he is just someone you don't like," Sooyoung says. "Maybe you should take a step back and breathe or something. If you like this Sangyeon guy so much, why didn't you just tell him before he got a boyfriend?" 

Though Sooyoung must think she is making a great point, Jaehyun already has told Sangyeon that he likes him. Multiple times! So many times that his mouth is trained to mention it at any given moment. He likes Sangyeon so much. He loves Sangyeon. He's an idiot who never went about things in the right way and now he is stuck suffering. 

He doesn't want to talk about this anymore. He sighs. "You know what, I need to shut up. Tell me something yourself. It is your turn to complain about your love life." 

They are onto napkins when Sooyoung thinks the offer over and she passes a box to Jaehyun. 

"Actually, I will take you up on that offer." 

Jaehyun throws the box aside and clutches Sooyoung's arm. This is it. He is about to enter into a beautiful friendship with Sooyoung because they're sharing their problems. At least something is going Jaehyun's way. 

Backing away slightly, Sooyoung picks up the box of silk napkins and replaces them on the shelf. 

"So, I have this friend—" 

"Great! I know tonnes about friends," Jaehyun says.

"Can I finish?" 

"Sorry," Jaehyun says, not really very sorry as he links their arms and they keep walking through the department store. "Go on, queen."

"So my friend, her name is Hyeju, is kind of annoying. She is always making jokes at my expense or trying to get me killed. I mean that literally, by the way. She has pushed me in front of multiple cars. Last week was less of an attempt on my actual life though. She accused me of being in love with one of our other friends in front of everyone." 

Jaehyun pulls Sooyoung closer by her arm. "Ouch. That's embarrassing. What did you do? Are you in love with that other friend?" 

Sooyoung makes a sound which could be a laugh but her face doesn't match. 

"I have a girlfriend already. I don't need to be in love with someone else." 

There is a pause and Jaehyun can take a hint. Regardless of the hint he is getting, he also thinks that a good friend would press for more information. 

"You don't need to be in love with someone who isn't your girlfriend but you are, aren't you?" 

"No," Sooyoung says. 

"Are you lying?" Jaehyun hazards. 

After some hesitation, Sooyoung shrugs and changes the subject. "Hey, Jiwoo and Haknyeon haven't set a date. Should we just give up on looking for wedding presents?" 

Jaehyun doesn't need asking twice. 

They end up finding last minute tickets to a cycling meet at the velodrome a forty minute drive away. They take snacks and admit that neither of them really know anything about cycling as they take their seats in nosebleed seats too high up in the sweltering velodrome to really identify the specifics of the competition. 

The earsplitting sound-system gives Jaehyun a headache almost immediately but he thinks it provides enough privacy. 

"If you aren't going to do anything, you probably don't need to tell your girlfriend that you like someone else too," he says, leaning close. Sooyoung leans away and glances towards the team pursuit occurring below. 

"You're right. I won't do anything. I think I can get over it." 

Jaehyun can hear something strained in her voice beneath the booming of the PA system announcing the next competitors. 

*

As promised, Jaehyun really is invited by Chanhee to go camping with everyone for Younghoon's birthday. He isn't surprised because Younghoon is his best friend so it is only natural for him to be invited but he half expected Chanhee to withhold the invitation until the day before everyone leaves as part of their usual push and pull. As things are, Jaehyun has enough advance notice to go shopping for camping equipment. He makes Sooyoung come with him to make things up after last time. 

"How is your girlfriend?" Jaehyun asks whilst prodding the display model of a tent assembled in the shop. Sooyoung, crouched at one of the pegs, smiles slightly. 

"She is well, thank you for asking."

"Have you talked about anything which might be awkward lately?" 

"No. Absolutely not." 

"So you aren't going to entertain anything else?" he confirms. She nods. 

"I wouldn't throw my entire relationship away over a little crush. I will get over it in no time." 

That is fair enough. Jaehyun respects that, but since all these issues with Sangyeon, he is curious about one thing. 

"Haven't you brought it up so that she knows not to worry about anything? They say talking is healthy." 

Sooyoung doesn't scoff or laugh or anything. She pins her eyes to the fake grass on the shop floor. 

"Talking is healthy. But I can't bring it up," she says, "not when she knows it is true. Haseul thinks she is good at pretending but she isn't and now I don't know how I am supposed to say anything to her." 

"Oh," Jaehyun says. He doesn't know what to say. He isn't exactly well versed in the art of romance and healthy relationships so he can hardly advise anything. With Sooyoung looking at him like this he feels frozen, disappointed in himself. He doesn't quite know how to be a good friend. 

"It's stupid," Sooyoung says. "I don't know why I am like this. I shouldn't be thinking about anyone else. I'm not going to gain anything from it. I am happy as I am. Harmless flirting is just that. I shouldn't read into anything."

Jaehyun mostly agrees with Sooyoung, however he is guilty of harmless flirting with one friend in particular and it has turned out not to be very harmless at all. 

"It isn't stupid," Jaehyun says as he makes himself comfortable on the fake grass. "It is easy to get flattered. Just try to keep your head on."

"I am trying." 

"Maybe try a bit harder," Jaehyun suggests. Sooyoung pinches him, her nose scrunched up as she almost smiles. 

"You're terrible at this emotional support thing. Why do I bother talking to you."

"Your emotional problems are very nuanced," Jaehyun offers. "My own love life has been a mess for over a year and it isn't anywhere as near as complicated as what you have going on. But maybe in ten years I will catch up and I will be able to give you better advice." 

"I can't wait ten years for advice." 

She is right, but Jaehyun isn't able to offer anything useful right now. 

"I can't help you right now, but can I still call you my friend?" 

Sooyoung snorts. "You're an idiot. Yes, we're friends even if you have the emotional capacity of a thimble." 

Perhaps not something to be proud of but he is relieved that being rubbish at giving advice won't disqualify him from whatever privileges come with friendship. 

"Hey, do you want to sack this off?" Jaehyun suggests conspiratorially. "I'll just order some bits and bobs online and we can grab some virgin lunchtime mimosas." 

A sigh. A smile. "That works too." 

  *

The morning of the camping trip, everyone is meant to meet at Chanhee's house so they can all ride to the campground in a party bus. Or so Jaehyun assumed. 

"Why did you lie to me?" Haknyeon whines when they get out of the taxi at the meeting point. "This is not a party bus. It is just a normal, boring bus. I don't want to go anymore." 

"Younghoon told me it was a party bus," Jaehyun says, defending himself as well as he can. He has only repeated what he was told. Haknyeon was going to come regardless but he has enjoyed making a fuss these days. 

"Younghoon lied. This is going to be the worst birthday ever." 

"It's not your birthday," Jaehyun points out. 

"Well I'll make sure it is Younghoon's worst birthday ever," Haknyeon amends. His eyebrows are pulled down in determination and Jaehyun absolutely believes that he will. 

Instead of planning ways to counter Haknyeon's pettiness, Jaehyun finds himself drawn to the sight of the latest arrivals, the second group to be unceremoniously left on the doorstep whilst Chanhee pretends not to notice his guests. One of the new arrivals is very noticeable, however it isn't for the usual reason of just being Sangyeon. 

"What happened to your leg?" Jaehyun exclaims. He grips Haknyeon's arm tightly but he must be missing the point. It is like Jaehyun is the only one who is paying any attention to the fact that Sangyeon has crutches and a giant clunky boot thing. Sangyeon just smiles awkwardly. 

"I broke it." 

"You broke your leg?" Jaehyun prompts. No more information is volunteered. Jaehyun hates this. He looks to Jacob for an answer. 

"He broke his leg," Jacob explains. "Chu Wontae was kind enough to drop us off today seeing as Sangyeon is off driving duty." 

Right. The person Jaehyun has been cautiously ignoring as he hefts bags out of the car boot. Jaehyun is ready to be the dazzling and brilliant friend and former-lover he knows he is. Of course Sangyeon is already wearing a dubious expression which doesn't quite look like a smile. 

"It's nice to finally meet you, Chu Wontae, I have heard so much about you. I'm Jaehyun." 

The lack of recognition in the face of this stranger isn't anything Jaehyun is too happy with, but it is manageable. He could cope with all of that until he hears Sangyeon’s explanation. 

"He's one of Jacob's best friends." 

"It's nice to meet you." 

It isn't nice at all. Stupid Wontae makes some asinine comment about the weather conditions but Jaehyun isn't listening to this nonsense over the sharp shattering of his heart breaking. 

Jaehyun's ears are ringing all the way until dealer Wontae kisses Sangyeon goodbye and leaves. Jaehyun's ears are still ringing when Chanhee ushers everyone onto the bus. 

Jaehyun pretends to be asleep even though he can't help but overhear all the fun everyone is having. It is fine for them: Sangyeon probably never lied about who they are. None of them have been relegated to the status of Jacob's friend. 

As kind as Younghoon was to warn Jaehyun about this apparent boyfriend, he wishes he had been warned that he wasn't important, that he wasn't one of Sangyeon’s friends. Instead of any of that, once the not-party bus drops them off at the campsite, Chanhee holds Jaehyun back. 

"Do something about your roommate." 

Jaehyun squints out of the bus window. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with Haknyeon. He hasn't made any active efforts to ruin Younghoon's birthday aside from charging onto the bus to sit beside Chanhee on the journey here. 

"What's wrong with him?" 

"The shorts?" Chanhee suggests. 

"Aren't shorts appropriate camping attire?" 

"Booty shorts? Make him take off the hot pants and wear some real trousers. I am not going to rub ointment on his bum cheeks when he sits in a patch of nettles." 

Jaehyun shrugs. "I'll tell him to sit on a real chair. He wears those shorts all the time. They're comfortable or something." 

"He told me they're a gift from his girlfriend," Chanhee mutters darkly. That likely is true. Jiwoo gives Haknyeon lots of gifts and he makes sure to use them all as often as possible. Jaehyun doesn't think it is right for him to deprive Haknyeon of the chance to use gifts from his girlfriend. 

*

Oddly, Chanhee has arranged for a night rafting trip. It is a ridiculous idea but Younghoon sounds happy about it. Jaehyun has a more sensible head on his shoulders and elects to stay behind with Sangyeon. He needs some company considering his broken leg has decommissioned him from participating in such reckless activities. Good. He needn't bother getting tipped overboard and getting sopping wet for no reason. 

A few others have some sense, preferring to forage around the vicinity and laying traps to catch a bear. Jaehyun would have assumed that Changmin and Eric would have loved the chance to do something dangerous and irresponsible but the two of them preferring to go bear hunting makes two less people for Jaehyun to worry about. 

Free of his concerns, Jaehyun spends the time, mostly alone with Sangyeon, to have a nice, friendly conversation at the campfire. 

"Go on," Jaehyun says as he cracks open his can of San Pellegrino. "Which ridiculous dating app did you use to find What's-his-face?" 

The warmth of the flickering firelight suits Sangyeon, and that is the only reason Jaehyun is rapt as he awaits the answer. It has nothing at all to do with the tightening in his chest, nor is it a result of the roiling in his stomach which makes swallowing down the San Pellegrino more of a trial than expected. Jaehyun isn't staring because Sangyeon is beautiful. He isn't allowed to do that anymore. 

Realistically Jaehyun knows he was never allowed, that he never had the right to stare, but after hearing that Sangyeon actually wants Chu Wontae to be something significant, he feels how difficult it is to change old habits. 

All along, Sangyeon has been looking for a meaningful relationship with someone who he can grow old with. All along, Jaehyun has known and struggled to forget. Now that Sangyeon is tentatively glancing at Jaehyun, almost coy about the answer on his lips, the fact is clobbering him over the head. There is no light spark of realisation here, just the blunt wallop of reality that is about to send Jaehyun flying into next week. His head hurts already. He should have tried harder to make Sangyeon stop looking. Now it is too late. 

"Real Life," Sangyeon supplies. 

Jaehyun blinks. "Is. Is that a new app? I haven't heard you mention that one before." 

Sangyeon’s face breaks into a wide grin and he rubs his hand over his face, shoulders rounding as he leans over his knees with dry cracks of laughter. He peers up at Jaehyun, flames dancing in his eyes, the same flames which are searing the left-side of Jaehyun’s body, and his smile softens. 

"It's not an app. I met Wontae in real life."

It's not fair. Sangyeon met Jaehyun in real life too yet he isn't allowed to be special like this. In fact, as far as Jaehyun can tell he wasn't even significant enough to warrant a brief mention to the man Sangyeon was introducing to all his friends. The confusion and lack of recognition when Wontae  had dropped Sangyeon off at the coach outside Chanhee's house was clear. He didn't have a clue who was talking to him when it was time to be the bigger man and Jaehyun said, "It's nice to finally meet you, Chu Wontae, I have heard so much about you. I'm Jaehyun." 

It's not fair at all. 

Jaehyun has known Sangyeon for years. They've been sleeping together for years (fewer years than they have known each other but enough that counting them all would be pedantry), and they have always been something like friends. Dishonest as it was, they even fell in love with each other. Nonetheless Jaehyun isn't important to Sangyeon. He isn't enough to enter into a meaningful relationship with and he isn't enough to be introduced as one of Sangyeon’s friends. 

"Is that right?" Jaehyun asks. He peers into the abyss through the opening of his can and he can just about see the shine of the surface. Nothing beyond faint flickers of campfire are reflected back. He clears his throat and wonders what is reflected back at Sangyeon when their eyes meet. "Where was it? What happened?" 

"Do… are you really interested?" Sangyeon asks quietly. 

"Of course I'm interested." 

He knows he isn't interested in the right way. His chest wouldn't stretch so tightly against the growing irritation in his lungs if he were simply interested in the right way. The answer is enough for Sangyeon. 

"I was shopping, looking for a new synth pad. We just started talking that way. He seemed nice and I asked for his number—" 

"You asked?" 

"I did." 

"Weird." 

Sangyeon can't say his next words easily. The struggle is evident on his face. Regardless of what he wants to say, there is no way he is struggling with this as much as Jaehyun is. 

"How come you never told me that you'd met someone, Sangyeon?" 

"How am I supposed to tell you something like that?" 

"The same way you told everyone else," Jaehyun suggests. It feels spiteful, cruel, and the acidic tart of the San Pellegrino on his tongue does nothing to sweeten the words. Once more, Sangyeon hesitates. 

"He's just a guy. I like him, and he has a lot in common with me. We mostly talk about music together, but… he's nice. He's good to me. Is that what you want to hear? Or is it the part where he said he doesn't really want anything serious? Do you want to hear about how, no matter how good he is to me, he is always going to want to be with other people and I get kicked out of his place at the crack of dawn every time his ex says she's bringing their kid over? Is that what you want to hear or is that too much like complaining? I forget when it comes to you."

It isn't so hard after all. 

None of Sangyeon’s words come out sweetly, the acid in his tone singes and Jaehyun's fingers itch to feel the holes which must be burning through his chest. 

"Younghoon said that Wontae was your boyfriend," Jaehyun says. 

Sangyeon says nothing. He looks away. Right now the distance between them feels like it is too much. There is nothing to be lost here. Jaehyun slots his can into the cup-holder. He shuffles his flimsy fold-away chair closer and reaches for Sangyeon’s knee. 

"Does anyone else know what you just told me?" 

Sangyeon shakes his head. "How can I tell them? I'd just look like an idiot if I admitted how things really are." 

"What about Jacob?" Jaehyun asks as he presses his fingers tighter around Sangyeon's knee. "Does he know? He came with you both so he must know your Wontae well enough, right?" 

"He doesn't know," Sangyeon says, voice barely louder than the crackle of the campfire. "I asked Wontae not to mention anything like that because Jacob would just give me some lecture about self-worth or something."

Jaehyun nods. That is probably true. "Do you think I won't?" 

Sangyeon nods, his eyes shining dark as he looks up to Jaehyun. They haven't been this close in a long time. They haven't looked at each other like this for even longer. 

"You won't lecture me on anything like that." 

"You're wrong," Jaehyun whispers. He knows that he is overstepping boundaries when he reaches to cup Sangyeon’s jaw against his palm. "You're so wrong. You need to be told off. You want a proper relationship. You want to fall in love. You want to be with someone who is proud of you. Why would you settle for Chu Wontae?" 

"He's good enough," Sangyeon says, his eyes trembling with his lie. "People like me need to take what we can get." 

They're too close. There isn't enough space for the words to breathe. If Jaehyun doesn't speak now, if he doesn't refute the words with his own truth, he knows this will be another moment he will come to regret. 

"You can get so much better than what you have," he says, straining against the tightness of his throat. "There is someone who wants you. Only you. He wants to treat you right and he'd be so happy being with you." 

"Where is he?" Sangyeon asks. He already knows the answer. He must do. He isn't being fair though Jaehyun supposes he deserves this. 

"I'd be good to you," Jaehyun says. Sangyeon’s hand crawls over his and the grip is just tight enough that it feels like Sangyeon believes him. It has happened before, Sangyeon falling for things Jaehyun has said. One more time won't hurt him, especially not when this is what Jaehyun needs him to believe the most.

"I know you would," Sangyeon says. 

He says nothing more than that but Jaehyun can feel the rejection. Being good to Sangyeon isn't enough. Wanting Sangyeon isn't enough. The chemistry, the history, and everything in between isn't enough. The area Jaehyun has failed in most miserably is the fact that he has lost Sangyeon’s trust, though it must weigh heavily enough that being right in every other way wouldn't make him the best choice. 

Though Jaehyun attempts to reclaim his hands, Sangyeon doesn't release his hold on the hand which slides away from his jaw. Sangyeon’s fingers are short, but sturdy. His grip doesn't leave much room for reprieve as he keeps one of Jaehyun’s hands close. 

"You're not like anyone else. You know, I couldn't even mention you to Jaehyun — the one who loved me. I was scared of having to explain you to someone else. I am still unsure of what to say now." 

The urge to correct Sangyeon rises. The Jaehyun who loves him is the one sitting here right now, the one who is real. The amount of times Jaehyun has voiced the correction has been redundant. Mentioning it this time won't make a difference either. Instead, he needs to ask what on earth Sangyeon means. 

"What is so difficult to explain about me? We're friends." 

Not that Sangyeon is saying anything like this. 

The smile Sangyeon turns on him is wry. "You have such a short memory. Everyone told me that you used to say we weren't friends. I knew that you didn't like me after all those years of knowing each other, and hanging out, and being friends with the same people. I liked you though." 

The lie leaving Jaehyun's lips once was already too many times. If he could go back, he would do everything differently. He wouldn't deny anywhere near as vehemently. Throwing people off the scent, and hoping nobody drew the obvious conclusion wouldn't have been a priority if Jaehyun knew it would lead to him sitting here at a campsite with Sangyeon and learning that very single thing he had done was some stupid way to hurt him. 

"That's not true," Jaehyun says, quiet. "I did like you." 

"Maybe you liked me enough to sleep with me but we really weren't friends. That was where I ruined things. People told me that you never considered us friends, yet I ignored that. We'd known each other since school, so I thought I could treat you like we were friends anyway. I never should have said anything to you about the things that bothered me. It was stupid of me to tell you that I was sad about all the people who lied just to get me into bed. I'm sorry that I put all that on you. You never lied so I should have appreciated that more. You were always honest until you weren't."

Jaehyun shakes his head and squeezes Sangyeon’s hand. 

"I did lie. I was lying, Sangyeon." Jaehyun needs Sangyeon to listen. He needs him to believe. He isn't quite sure what the expression on Sangyeon’s face is right now. "You became a really good friend to me, but I never wanted anything to change. I lied and said that we weren't friends because I was… scared." 

Sangyeon smiles. "You're not scared of anything." 

"I'm terrified," Jaehyun admits. "What am I supposed to do if I lose you for good? Are you going to stay with Wontae forever just because you won't let yourself find the love you deserve? I can give you everything. I want to give you everything, Sangyeon."

"How can you lose me, Jaehyun?" Sangyeon asks. His smile is small and quiet. "I think we will be friends for a long time." 

"You're not listening to me. I don't just want to be your friend. I want to be—" 

"I know, Jaehyun. I love you. A lot. I don't know how long it will take me to stop loving you but one day I will get over you, and that will be for the best."

"Why?" Jaehyun asks as he grips tighter. He can't get any closer than this. He knows he isn't allowed. "How would that be for the best when I would do anything for you. I only want to make you happy." 

"You've hurt me more than anyone else in my life, Jaehyun," Sangyeon says, calm and firm. 

"I get that, and I want to—" 

"I don't think that there is anything you could ever do to make up for that," Sangyeon says. "I want to forgive you so badly. I have to stop wanting that."

Jaehyun's throat hurts. His lips part but the words don't come out easily. He can't do this. "Is that it? You'll just stop trying to be happy?" 

There is more that Jaehyun wants to say. He wants to ask what he is expected to do. He wants to ask why he isn't worthy of being the one to proactively fix things. 

"I will be happy enough," Sangyeon says. 

"You won't. I can do it. I can make you so, so happy, Sangyeon. Everything I do would be for you. Why can't you let me love you? Please. What I did before wasn't right but it was for you. I went about things the wrong way but it was because I cared. I still care."

Sangyeon squeezes Jaehyun's hand even tighter. "Please stop. I love you so much. I just can't take a chance like this." 

"You can."

"It would change too much," Sangyeon says quickly. "How would our friends react? Without knowing the half of it, everyone must already think I'm an idiot. What if things go wrong and we have to break up? I really don't think I will be able to take it if you leave me after everything." 

"I wouldn't leave you," Jaehyun says. He means it. This is his promise. There is nothing he is more certain of. "We've already broken up enough for one relationship. It is all out of the way now. We can be alright. I'm serious, Sangyeon, I really think we can be happy together." 

Sangyeon chuckles quietly, a dull sound beside the dry crackling of tinder, and glances away from their joined hands. "I want that." 

"Have it. Take it." 

Sangyeon says nothing. He looks as though he could be considering it but staring into the firelight, his face is impossible to read. 

The two of them sit quietly for a long time. Long enough that Jaehyun's can of Lemon San Pellegrino feels flat with each sip he takes. He has said all he can. Sangyeon probably doesn't want to hear anything more than that. If Jaehyun pushes too much he might just lose everything. He can't. He loves Sangyeon. Eventually, Sangyeon slips his hand free and offers a smile. 

"I'm going to bed. I think the fresh air must have exhausted me." 

"Right, yeah," Jaehyun replies quietly. He clears his throat and gestures to Sangyeon’s leg. "Do you want me to help you?" 

Sangyeon presses his lips tightly shut, almost a smile, lips drained of colour. "There's no need. Good night." 

"Sleep well." 

Jaehyun hates this. He can't force Sangyeon to see sense but, as he watches Sangyeon make his way across the dry ground of the campsite with his crutch, he wishes that he could simply shake sense into the other man. Jaehyun is offering up everything and Sangyeon just won't take it. 

In the past, Jaehyun has done things that aren't great. Catfishing a friend isn't the best course of action for a relationship, though there is no way to make things up to Sangyeon without being given the opportunity to do things right. 

With the remainder of his time alone, Jaehyun pretends everything is fine. He stays awake until the others get back, picking berries and keeping himself busy. 

The others are raucous as they return, a parade of cheering and laughing as most of them are half-drenched from their night rafting excursion. Jaehyun knows the perfect way to welcome them home. 

"Try these berries," Jaehyun says as he offers a bowl to Haknyeon and Juyeon. Like the idiots they are, they start gobbling the berries like there's no tomorrow. The way they are going on, there might not be a tomorrow for real. "You might want to slow down, with those." 

As expected, neither Haknyeon nor Juyeon are in the mood to listen and Haknyeon even starts dropping berries into the back pocket of his tiny little hot-pants as though he could actually save them for later. Even for Jaehyun this is a step too far. 

"Maybe… maybe you should eat less of these berries and save some for someone—" 

"Kevin," Juyeon calls out as though there isn't anyone else on the campground who could get woken up by his booming voice. His voice will be necessary when waking up any poor fool who snacks on these berries. 

"No!" 

Jaehyun smacks the bowl of berries over and buoys with relief that nobody is quite adventurous enough to eat off the floor. Despite his heroics, Jaehyun still ends up getting told off by Jacob. 

"I'm not the one laying traps to try to attract bears to the campsite," Jaehyun grumbles in a slightly private spot beneath the cover of trees. An open packet of Haribo has been lodged between the branches just above Jacob's head so Jaehyun can only imagine he is looking at one of the aforementioned traps. 

"No," Jacob agrees, "you're worse." 

"I told them not to eat the berries." 

"Only after you told poor Haknyeon and Juyeon to eat them in the first place. This is becoming a pattern with you, isn't it?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"You don't think first. Maybe Haknyeon isn't going to die tonight because you poisoned him, but you shouldn't be surprised when everything you do is an absolute shambles." 

This is way more personal than necessary, though this apparently isn't the time to defend himself. 

"No," Jacob says, raising a single finger to silence Jaehyun. He should give up the middle management nonsense and consider taking on troubled youths and turning their lives around. Jaehyun certainly feels put in his place. 

"You are not being a good friend to anyone right now. You haven't for a long while. Stop pratting around, Jaehyun, and use your brain for once in your life." 

"I will," Jaehyun says, cowed, "I am." 

Jacob knocks his knuckles against Jaehyun's head. He already feels like an idiot but maybe some sense will get knocked into his head. 

*

Jaehyun doesn't sleep terribly well in the tent. The mattress is thin and he is pretty sure he can feel a persistent tree root beneath his back. Contributing to the endless night of wakefulness is the fact that it is raining. The wind outside is howling and whipping along the surface of the tent as it casts more and more rain right above Jaehyun's head. 

He isn't bad at the manly pursuits of the great outdoors, it is just that he intentionally did a bad job of erecting this tent to spite everyone else for not helping him. The problem with that is the fact that 'everybody else' does not encompass the occupants of this tent. Jaehyun is in the tent, cursing his shoddy handiwork and wondering why nobody warned him that the weather was going to take a turn for the worst, and Younghoon is in the tent as a result of a vote and he can sleep through anything. Jaehyun has always hated that about Younghoon. 

Countless sleepovers as they were growing up culminated in nights much like this. When Younghoon fell asleep there wasn't anything that could wake him up short of Jaehyun whacking him with the heavy goose feather pillows his mum insisted on buying. Jaehyun only has one flimsy pillow right now and he isn't about to waste it on Younghoon. 

All there is to do is stare at the ceiling of the tent and hope sleep takes him by surprise. 

Or he could lie in fear of the bear trying to claw its way into his tent. There isn't even any Haribo in here. Being stuck in the rain mustn't be any fun at all but Jaehyun isn't kind enough to offer sanctuary to anything that could maul him to death within seconds. Even more terrifying is the fact that bears have evolved mimicry. This particular bear knows Jaehyun's weakness exactly. 

"Jaehyun, let me in." 

This bear sounds just like Sangyeon. A real tragedy. In his exhausted stupor, Jaehyun foolishly unzips the tent. This bear even looks like Sangyeon, though the dark must aid with the camouflage. 

"Come with me," the shape-shifting bear says whilst holding out a rain-drenched hand. It isn't furry and can hardly be described as a paw. The illusion is good enough for Jaehyun to slide their hands together. 

"It's raining," Jaehyun tells him. 

"If you don't come with me now, I will never touch you again." 

The threat is an empty one after the earlier conversation but it is enough for Jaehyun to help Sangyeon up and accompany him under the canopy of pine trees. With dry, dead needles beneath their feet, Jaehyun is impressed that the tree cover is dense enough to shield them from the rainfall. 

He doesn't see any sweets in the trees and when he looks at Sangyeon he isn't looking at someone who is about to maul him. 

"What's going on?" Jaehyun asks. 

"I have been thinking about everything you said to me earlier," Sangyeon says. "I'm being an idiot, aren't I?" 

"No, no way." 

"I am," Sangyeon says. The shine in his eyes is enough. It is too much. Jaehyun would do anything for this man. He might just be too easy, bated breath and hope in his chest. Sangyeon smiles up at him. "Make me happy, Jaehyun. Tell me how I can make you happy too." 

The answer is easy. 

"Let me love you," Jaehyun pleads. 

Sangyeon surges forwards, drags Jaehyun in for a kiss, and this is closer to perfection than Jaehyun has felt for a very long time. The whoosh of the rain growing heavier outside the shelter of the old trees is the perfect veil to hide them from everyone else and the rest of the world. It is slightly less perfect when Sangyeon slips away. 

"Where are you going?" 

Steadying himself against the trunk beside them, Sangyeon looks up at Jaehyun, only spots of light reflecting in his eyes showing Jaehyun a hint of the intent there. "I am going to blow you, I am just trying to work out how to do it." 

"You don't have to," Jaehyun says, mostly worried about how Sangyeon’s mouth anywhere near him will greatly reduce his reaction time to threats such as bear sightings. 

"I want to," Sangyeon says, determined. "Help me get on the floor, Jaehyun, I can't bend my leg properly." 

"Should I blow you instead?" 

"I have a broken leg." 

That response isn't exactly the answer to anything. In Jaehyun's opinion the broken leg should mean that Sangyeon is the one getting the blowjob. Unfortunately Jaehyun doesn't get to eloquently point this out. Sangyeon falls down with a low 'oof!' and Jaehyun feels around in the dark for his injured friend. 

"Thanks for your help by the way. I think I'm sitting in a puddle."

"I didn't tell you to get on the floor," Jaehyun hisses. "Let me help you up." 

"No. I'm down here now. Pull your trackies down and come here. Or was it news to you that your dick wasn't two feet long." 

Jaehyun sighs. He can't argue against this man. His ethical attempts have failed and he honestly doesn't mind that much. He never minds when it comes to Sangyeon. 

*

Returning home from camping, Jaehyun falls back into an old routine with Sangyeon minus a significant facet of the usual turn of events. 

'Do you have plans tonight?' is the message Sangyeon sends the second Jaehyun steps out of his office building. Jaehyun definitely does not have plans, just like always when Sangyeon asks a question like this. He stops at a restaurant to pick up something for them to eat because he hates cooking after work and he doesn't want Sangyeon to have to make anything. 

"I thought you weren't coming," Sangyeon says as he pulls Jaehyun inside by his tie. 

"I wasn't aware we were having guests," comes a disembodied voice. Jaehyun cannot get into his best behaviour mode quickly enough. He tries his best to stand up straight and fixing his clothes. 

"Jacob, hi, I wasn't aware you would be home."

"I can see that."

"Would you like to join us for dinner?" Jaehyun asks as politely as he can. "I came to bring food and nothing else." 

"I'm sure that was the plan," Jacob says chirpily from the sofa as he smiles up from his magazine. "What's in the bag? Oysters?" 

"What? Of course not, Sangyeon hates that kind of thing." 

"You'd know, wouldn't you?" 

That seems a bit unfair but Jaehyun isn't here to spar with Jacob. He is here to do something much more pleasant with Sangyeon. Irritatingly, Sangyeon leaves the food outside his bedroom and pushes Jaehyun into his room. 

"Is Jacob leaving?" 

"No," Sangyeon says breathlessly against Jaehyun's neck. 

"Did something happen?" Jaehyun hazards. He expects the same story as always, that Sangyeon is heartbroken and feeling down on himself. 

"No," Sangyeon says as he frowns down at some particularly insistent buttons. "I just missed you. I wanted to see you. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?" 

There is nothing at all wrong with that. Jaehyun makes the most of it and falls right into bed with Sangyeon like they always do. 

Every week they do the same thing at least once or twice. It is nice if Jaehyun completely forgets that there is someone else who gets Sangyeon in the same way that he does. 

"When are you going to break up with Wontae?" Jaehyun asks. It isn't their typical pillow-talk but Sangyeon doesn't look too surprised by the question. He sighs and rolls onto his side, nose-to-nose with Jaehyun, and draws swirls and shapes across Jaehyun's chest with the tip of his finger. 

"I don't know," Sangyeon hums, voice slightly gruff. "It's a difficult situation." 

"How is it difficult?" 

"We're comfortable right now and I don't want to hurt him." 

"Sangyeon, I remember what you said to me at the campsite," Jaehyun says, gripping the hand against his chest tightly. "He doesn't treat you right. You're not his priority and, even though I am happy right now, I am concerned about how often we are able to meet up when Wontae is supposed to be your boyfriend. And cheating on him is—" 

"He wanted things to be open anyway," Sangyeon says, eyes fixed to their joined hands. "I'm not cheating on Wontae. He never wanted to be with only me in the first place. I'm not doing anything wrong."

Jaehyun presses forwards, just a quick kiss to the side of Sangyeon’s mouth. He knows that Sangyeon isn't doing anything wrong. The problem is that Sangyeon has an answer for everything and it takes a lot for Jaehyun to build up to asking the real questions he had. 

A couple of weeks later he tries again. 

"Why didn't you tell Wontae about me? I know I probably don't have the right to be upset about this but we sleep together, and we're practically exes at this point." 

The toilet flushes and Jaehyun hears the tap running as Sangyeon presumably washes his hands. When the bathroom door opens, Jaehyun is faced with a confused expression. 

"I missed most of that," Sangyeon tells him as they make their way back to Jaehyun's bedroom. "What's wrong?" 

This is more difficult with Sangyeon trying to look him in the eye. He still needs to try without wimping out of this. 

"I love you so much, Sangyeon, and knowing all of our history, it really hurt me that you couldn't even tell Wontae that we are friends. Why couldn't you be honest?" 

Sangyeon laughs. It isn't funny. Jaehyun doesn't understand how anyone could laugh at this question. 

"It's not funny, Sangyeon." 

"I know that," is the placating tone as Sangyeon rubs Jaehyun's thigh. "I'm not sure what you're missing here though." 

"What do you mean?" 

Sangyeon smiles, lips tight. "Nothing, it's fine. I don't think you can expect me to tell someone I am seeing that I love you." 

"You love me?" 

"You know I do," Sangyeon says as he kisses along Jaehyun's neck. Jaehyun does know that and he likes when Sangyeon kisses along his neck, and before he realises, the subject has well and truly been changed. 

*

"This isn't a date, is it?" Sangyeon asks whilst they're standing in line for the concessions counter at the cinema. Jaehyun knew all along that there was a question, ripe to be asked, but Sangyeon hadn't voiced it until now. Jaehyun knows the perfect way to answer. He has prepared. 

"How could this possibly be a date? We are just two people who sleep together sometimes. Are we not allowed to see the new box office smash hit just for the sake of it?" 

Sangyeon doesn't look so sure. "We aren't seeing a 'box office smash hit', Jaehyun, you already told me there were only three other people who bought tickets to this showing." 

Jaehyun maintains that it still isn't a date and he doesn't need Sangyeon to believe him. He is lying anyway. This is a date. 

Whilst Sangyeon is trying to work out what snacks they could buy to equal the cost of the tickets (not that creative accounting like that would make this any less of a date), Jaehyun spots someone ahead, flirting and laughing very loudly. 

"Sooyoung, hi, how are you doing?" 

Sooyoung looks more nonplussed than strictly necessary as she turns to Jaehyun and slides her arm away from the shoulder of her companion. 

"Jaehyun," she says unenthusiastically. She nods at Jaehyun and then Sangyeon who for some reason has followed him out of the queue. 

"This is Sangyeon," Jaehyun says with a smile. "And you must be Haseul. I have heard a lot about you."

The woman beside Sooyoung smiles stiffly and glances up at Sooyoung. 

"No, I'm not Haseul. But you're right. I should get going. I shouldn't be doing this when people can easily misunderstand." 

"Jungeun, wait," Sooyoung tries as her friend Jungeun stalks away. She doesn't try to chase too hard and doesn't go beyond Jaehyun's shoulder. 

"I'm sorry, Sooyoung, I made a real mess of this, didn't I?" 

Sooyoung doesn't respond, still staring at the retreat of her friend. Sangyeon awkwardly makes himself scarce and promises to get enough snacks to comfort any heart. Jaehyun guides Sooyoung to the bank of benches along the wall overlooking the coffee shop inside the cinema. 

"I really am sorry," Jaehyun offers. Sooyoung shakes her head. 

"What do you have to be sorry for? Of course you would assume I was with my girlfriend on a Friday night at the cinema," Sooyoung mutters. "It's like a typically boring, domestic date." 

"Hey, let's not make generalisations like that," Jaehyun suggests. He knows Sangyeon cannot possibly be in earshot but he would like the err on the side of caution. "But her reaction was odd too. I mean, she just left all of a sudden. The normal thing to do would have been to laugh it off and tell me that I'm wrong." 

"It's not her fault," Sooyoung mutters. "How could she laugh that off when there is a spotlight shone on things and everything is awkward between us already." 

It makes sense. Jaehyun still has some reservations. He knows he has poor judgement but he hadn't assumed that Sooyoung would be in the same position. 

"You were on a date though." 

"Gosh. I know." 

"Have you considered putting some distance between the two of you?" 

Sooyoung groans and sinks forward in her seat. "I should have just… done that." She sits up, misery etched into her features. "I am an idiot. I thought I should try to prove that we were normal friends who could hang out without any problems, but I can't. I like stupid Jungeun and her stupid broad shoulders." 

Jaehyun pats her shoulder and looks around for help from Sangyeon. He is nowhere to be seen so Jaehyun hopes that this is something that can be fixed by a hug. He knows he would need more in this situation. 

"It's going to be okay, Sooyoung. You're just having a tough time right now. Hang out with us tonight, try to take your mind off it, and when you go home you have to tell Haseul." 

Sooyoung groans. It isn't particularly encouraging. 

"I hate that I think you're right." 

Jaehyun decides to savour this feeling because he isn't sure many other people would let him indulge in the sensation of being right. 

*

Keeping secrets is something Jaehyun tries not to do when it comes to Sangyeon, not since the catfishing debacle anyway, so he brings Sangyeon home and tells him all about poor Sooyoung. 

"That sounds like a real mess," Sangyeon says, frowning up at Jaehyun from the comfort of his lap. 

"Is that it? Is that all you have to say?" Jaehyun asks. 

"Yes. What am I supposed to say? That is a huge mess." 

"I was hoping for a different perspective and somebody with more experience in relationships," Jaehyun grumbles. He sweeps his fingers through Sangyeon’s hair. 

"What perspective am I supposed to give to your 'best friend'?" 

Jaehyun stills the movement of his hands and squints down at Sangyeon through the dim blue television glow. "Are you jealous?" 

"No. She's nice. I'm glad you like her so much. It's just that I…" 

"You're jealous," Jaehyun says, confidently. Sangyeon cringes and sits up. 

"I'm not jealous." 

"Don't lie to me." 

Sangyeon sighs. "I am a tiny bit jealous." 

"There's no need to be jealous. She's my new best friend. You're my almost boyfriend." 

Sangyeon frowns. "What does that mean? Would we be basically the same as we are now if I was your boyfriend? I'd want to be exclusive if we were together." 

"We are exclusive," Jaehyun says before he remembers the other guy. "Almost. I promise you, Sangyeon, I haven't been with anyone else since before I was the other Jaehyun." 

"What do you mean?" 

"I have spoken to anyone, or slept with anyone or anything, Sangyeon. It's just you. I'm really serious about you." 

This isn't vulnerability which is scary to reveal. Jaehyun is proud of this fact. He is in love. This is real. He has said this more times than he can count and he will continue to say this until his last breath. 

"I'm such an idiot," Sangyeon says. 

"Why?" 

"I'm easy," Sangyeon says. That sounds somewhat familiar but Jaehyun can't quite remember exactly why hearing that annoys him. 

"You're not easy, Sangyeon. You're—" 

"I'm very, very easy," Sangyeon says as he stands up and pulls Jaehyun up by his hands. "We need to go to bed right now. I have to show you exactly how easy I am." 

They go to bed. Sangyeon isn't easy, but Jaehyun appreciates getting to spend time together in ways like this. 

*

Things are going as well as can be, as far as Jaehyun is concerned. He is in love, Sangyeon is giving him lots of attention, and he is almost exactly where he needs to be in life. 

Using this positivity in his life, Jaehyun tries to bring this light to other people's lives. Poor Sooyoung needs his help, clearly. Her relationship is on a break and she is extremely glum despite not opening up about how everything went down. 

They go out together a lot. They go paint-balling, laser-tag, couples cooking classes, axe-throwing, and archery. Invariably they go for ice cream afterwards and Jaehyun does his best not to mention the love of his life, though he does send Sangyeon texts about how much he would love to be together with him. 

Tonight, just like any other after-work excursion, they are eating ice cream together. Jaehyun is totally listening to Sooyoung breaking down their axe-throwing techniques as he texts very sweet and loving things to Sangyeon. He can admit he stops listening when he looks up from his phone and sees someone he hates on sight. 

"That's Sangyeon’s boyfriend," Jaehyun says. Before he realises, he is getting out of his seat and storming across the kitschy pink linoleum floor, and yelling every name under the sun at Chu Wontae and his date. 

Apparently, Jaehyun has done the wrong thing. 

The night after axe-throwing, Haknyeon answers the door to someone attempting to batter their way into the flat. It isn't a robber, or the police, or Wontae who has successfully tracked him down. It is Sangyeon. His leg is healed and he isn't wearing a cast anymore. Jaehyun doesn't get the chance to offer his congratulations. Sangyeon doesn't look happy to see Jaehyun. 

Since knowing about Wontae, Jaehyun has always tried to imagine the triumph of hearing that Sangyeon and Chu Wontae broke up. In his imagination, Jaehyun thought of confetti cannons and feathery carnival outfits, steel drums, huge parade floats, and everything wonderful. Things Jaehyun hadn't ever considered to be part of finding out the good news included: Sangyeon in tears, Sangyeon yelling about how Jaehyun has ruined everything, Haknyeon and Jiwoo awkwardly hugging Jaehyun and telling him that everything would work itself out. 

Sangyeon had always been the bit on the side and he had even confessed to Jaehyun that Wontae and the mother of his child were slowly navigating getting back together. Apparently the woman who was taking love-shots of ice cream with Wontae had been the babymama in question and she wasn't very happy to hear about Sangyeon. Jaehyun isn't sure how he was supposed to know that the situation wasn't what everyone wanted it to be and he still isn't sorry for the fact that he was thinking only of Sangyeon. 

He is sorry that Wontae had a massive row with Sangyeon and threw all of his things into the rain-soaked street, but he can't change what has happened. 

He wishes he could change the fact that Sangyeon refuses to talk to him. His number is blocked and he has been blocked on every social media network they share together. It is just like before, except Jaehyun hates it more. He only wants to make Sangyeon happy. 

*

"He's not great," Jacob confirms when he eventually gives in and answers one of Jaehyun’s many calls. 

"Has he told you about everything with Wontae?" Jaehyun asks. Being privy to all the intricacies of Sangyeon’s terrible relationship initially made Jaehyun glad to be in on the secret, but now he needs somebody else to take his side. "I'm not being stupid, am I? It's good that they broke up." 

"Sangyeon told me," Jacob confirms. "I'm very disappointed in you, Jaehyun. I'm disappointed in both of you to be honest. How are you holding up though?" 

"I'm completely heartbroken," Jaehyun admits. 

"Why did you do any of this? Sleeping with him behind his boyfriend's back wasn't ever the right way to do it." 

"Sangyeon did it too," Jaehyun points out. "He wants to be with me." 

"Are you sure about that?" 

Jaehyun couldn't be more certain of anything. He doesn't need Jacob and his stupid judgemental attitude. Jaehyun is beginning to hate him a bit seeing as there isn't a single thing he can do right in Jacob's eyes. He is in love. Nothing can get in the way. 

Maybe he has forced Sooyoung to change tack to bingeing sappy romance movies and that has skewed his view but he is sticking with this perspective. 

He is in love and he can overcome any obstacle. 

*

Things come full circle. 

Jaehyun is falling asleep whilst Jiwoo and Haknyeon make a cooperative effort to bore him to death when his phone rings. He excuses himself to his bedroom. He isn't an idiot. 

He has waited weeks for this and he won't make the mistake of letting anybody else get involved. 

"Sangyeon, what's wrong?" 

"I want…" Sangyeon’s breath stutters oddly across the phone line. "Come and find me. Remember when you came to get me last year? Find me." 

Already, this feels like more of a clue than Jaehyun needs. He isn't as stupid as last time. He runs a comb through his hair, and brushes his teeth again, finds a matching pair of shoes, and fetches a jacket. He knows he doesn't have enough time to get changed but he at least wants to look smart and handsome when he goes to change his life. 

The comic café is bright and cheery and there are several gaudy displays for new releases which burn through his eyeballs. Jaehyun looks away. He needs to save his eyeballs for important things like looking for the love of his life. It is easy enough when he realises Sangyeon is peering around one of the displays. He has the decency to hide once he knows he has been spotted. 

"I half thought this was going to be a wild goose chase," Jaehyun says as he squeezes between the cardboard cut-out and the wall to crouch beside Sangyeon. 

"I should have found a better hiding place." 

"No, this is better than hiding well," Jaehyun tells him. "I would go to the ends of the earth for you, but knowing that you made it easier for me means that I should be extra nice to you." 

"How nice?" Sangyeon asks quietly. They are out of sight. It's fine. Jaehyun reaches for his jaw and captures his lips in a soft kiss. Sangyeon’s smile against his mouth makes Jaehyun glad that they can share this. "That's nice." 

"I can be nicer than this." 

"I know," Sangyeon agrees. In the dark corner here, his smile is dazzling. Jaehyun couldn't be more in love with this man. 

"I am not happy with how we left things the last time we saw each other," Jaehyun says slowly. "I feel like I should apologise—" 

"Don't." 

Jaehyun nods and takes Sangyeon’s hand. "You took the words right out of my mouth. I'm not going to apologise. I am sorry that you were hurt but you don't know how happy the fact you aren't with Chu Wontae makes me."

Sangyeon sighs. 

"Do you want to come home with me?" 

"You know me too well," Sangyeon grumbles whilst Jaehyun offers him help getting to his feet. 

Sangyeon holds Jaehyun's hand on the way home. It is nice aside from the fact that Jaehyun is waiting for Sangyeon to decide to end it all. 

He tries to focus on the cool breeze and the traffic running alongside them and the lights blinking on as the city welcomes the night. 

The inevitable arrives before Jaehyun is ready — emotionally. Argumentatively, he has had his answer ready for a long time and standing in the middle of a pelican crossing doesn't change that. 

"I shouldn't be mad at you for talking to Wontae. You were just doing what you thought was right. I appreciate it, I think. It's the other thing that still gets me. After what you did—" 

"I had to catfish you to realise exactly how I felt about you," Jaehyun says. If he could go back and change everything, he'd like to, but he simply doesn't think he could have reached his current point without going through all this mess. He guides Sangyeon over to a bench outside the café across the street from his flat. 

Haknyeon is home with his alleged girlfriend so despite his plan to bring Sangyeon home he thinks this conversation is better without an audience who knows them. 

The stone bench is rough and cold, however that is the least of Jaehyun’s worries. He looks up to Sangyeon’s eyes and the sharpness he sees is not encouraging. 

"No you didn't." 

"I did! I wish I didn't have to but I never would have realised that I loved you — that I wanted you — without getting close to you as someone else." 

"No," Sangyeon says, quiet, low. "You really didn't have to. You could have realised the way people normally realise they love each other, Jaehyun." 

That sounds so easy. Too easy. Nothing is just as easy as the way Sangyeon says it but Jaehyun is open to hearing something which is supposed to make sense. 

"And how is that?" 

"I don't know," Sangyeon says plainly. He has lost all of his fight and there isn't even a spark of fire in his eyes as he lifts his gaze to look at Jaehyun. "I knew I loved you without hurting you." 

Jaehyun would disagree. He never got to hear anything about love, at least not as himself, until Sangyeon was uttering the words amongst firmer words about how he wasn't ever going to give them a chance. "What's this about not hurting me? I've been trying my hardest to make you see that I would never betray you like that again. I know that what I have done is wrong but you don't even let me close enough to prove to you that I wouldn't do anything like that again."

"No. Before that. I realised that I loved you before that." 

"What?" The world seems content to go on despite the air freezing in Jaehyun's chest. The traffic rolls on behind him and pedestrians stroll down the street, just beyond the reach of Jaehyun’s scruffy, old trainers. The world doesn't want him to freeze in time like this. "When?" 

"When being with you made sense," Sangyeon says as though that answers anything. "You didn't like me but being with you made the most sense. And I felt like even more of an idiot because when I met the other Jaehyun I thought I finally had a chance to move on for real and it was just you again. I was stuck in love with you." 

"And doesn't—" the words wilt in Jaehyun's mouth. This isn't the time to try to convince Sangyeon further. They're going around and around the same old thing. They love each other, though this is a new facet. The situation gleams just that bit brighter, a clearer cut. Sangyeon sounds like he doesn't want to love Jaehyun when his love is the only thing Jaehyun wants. "Doesn't it seem like fate to you?" 

"What did I ever do to be punished with a fate like this?" 

Jaehyun sighs. His desperation is draining. He doesn't know how much longer he can do this. Calm and measured conversations do nothing. Impassioned declarations are equally ineffective. Everything in between has been rendered impotent by Sangyeon’s dull consistency. 

"Sangyeon, how long do you think you have loved me for?" 

Sangyeon shakes his head. 

"You're really not going to tell me? If you think you're being punished, wouldn't it only be fair to punish me in kind? Seeing as you're not going to let me make you happy, you should let me know exactly how much of you I missed out on. How long was I being stupid whilst you were feeling…" 

"I'm not pathetic enough to actually tell you that," Sangyeon scoffs. 

"You're not? Are you saying that just telling me is more pathetic than not letting yourself be happy?" 

"Yes." 

"How." 

Sangyeon hesitates for a moment, his expression almost morphing into a smile. This version of his smile doesn't ever appear for good reasons. 

"I have liked you since we were in school," Sangyeon says quietly. "Is that better? I mean, not the whole time, but I first liked you a bit then. And after you had graduated too, when we fell into the same group of friends, it was a bit of a surprise to see who you really were but you weren't my focus back then." 

Hearing that isn't entirely encouraging, however Jaehyun considers himself glad of the fact he hadn't been the object of Sangyeon’s desires from the very start. There is a lot that he said and did which he would be ashamed of if it was in relation to someone who loved him. Then again, he supposes the difference is negligible. Sangyeon claims that he did ultimately fall in love and he had seen and heard all those things. 

"Was there someone else that you liked? One of our friends or something?" 

"No, I just mean it wasn't that important to me that you obviously didn't like me," Sangyeon explains, sitting on his hands. "I wasn't spending time with everyone else in hopes for a glimpse of you. I actually got over fancying you very quickly, you're kind of off-putting. We just happened to know the same people." 

This smile isn't quite as serrated as the previous one and Jaehyun can withstand smoother lines like this. Nonetheless the words aren't any easier to digest. 

"I'm sorry that—"

"You haven't even heard what you should be sorry about yet." 

Jaehyun presses his lips shut and presses his hands between his thighs. Right. He should keep quiet. He wants to hear this. 

"When we first slept together it came out of nowhere. It was confusing and weird that it happened, but it was good. You didn't like me but you could manage getting into bed with me. And you could manage cuddling and staying in bed with me. And we would just hang out and talk about anything. It didn't matter that you were different around other people. When it was just the two of us you were…"

"What was I?" Jaehyun asks against the grating in his throat. 

"Sweet," Sangyeon says. "You were sweet, and attentive, and funny. You made me feel good about being as pathetic as I am. Getting my heart broken wasn't the end of the world. I could just call you and, even if you said it was a huge inconvenience, you'd be there. Knowing that you would just drop your plans to come and cheer me up was…" Sangyeon pauses and shakes his head as though that will clear the lump that Jaehyun can hear in his throat. Jaehyun looks up at last and sees the shine in Sangyeon’s eyes. It is too much but he can't turn away from this now. He wanted this. He wants to hear Sangyeon say, "it ruined me. I don't know if there were good people I missed because I was giving anyone and everyone a chance and hardly even trying whilst knowing that if it went badly you would be there to pick up the pieces." 

Jaehyun holds his breath. He can't do this. He isn't happy after hearing Sangyeon’s side. This does feel a lot like being punished. He deserves it. 

"I ruined you?" 

"That's right," Sangyeon says. 

"What you said sounded like we were dating," Jaehyun says redundantly. Sangyeon nods. It isn't helpful. "I didn't realise at the time that it seemed that way. You never said anything to me." 

Sangyeon laughs at that. Jaehyun can't join in, especially not when Sangyeon stops laughing, leaning heavily on his elbows. He rubs his hands together, trembling, and looks away. 

"What was I supposed to say? 'Hey, Jaehyun, we're barely friends but I was just wondering, what are we?' I'm sure that would have gone down well. You'd have run for the hills." 

That is probably true. Jaehyun has been avoiding relationships all along and he has only used dating apps for the purposes everyone minus Sangyeon uses them for. The convenience of finding people to hook up with online had been exactly what Jaehyun wanted when he was able to disappear from the lives of these people without any of the awkward parts. Seeing the other side through Sangyeon was one thing and wanting it to stop is only natural. It is what any friend would want. Jaehyun had the added perspective of knowing Sangyeon had someone convenient to sleep with and didn't need to bother with all the losers he was meeting. 

As much as he had come to care, he likely still would have run if Sangyeon brought it up. He would have run if he had noticed it all himself too. 

He hates himself for that but all he can do is try to be better from now on. All he can do is try to make Sangyeon see that he is better. 

"Sorry. You're right," Jaehyun agrees. He wonders what they look like right now, the two of them sitting on the bench with a valley of tension between them. They must look like a couple. Not a happy couple, but a couple all the same. "I'm here now though. I won't run." 

Sangyeon nods. "I can see that. You're trying. I want to forgive you, Jaehyun," he says, voice wavering and splintering with the weight of the words. "I think you're right. I think I should be with you but I don't know if I can." 

Jaehyun reaches for Sangyeon’s hand and hates that he can't do more than this outside. He can only hold Sangyeon’s hand and hold himself back from wrapping himself around the man he loves. Meagre comfort needs to be enough as Sangyeon blinks tears from his eyes and dabs at the shine with the blade of his hand. 

"Even if you don't forgive me, if you never forgive me, I will still love you," Jaehyun tells him. 

Sangyeon nods again, quickly, impatiently, and holds his wrist against his mouth to muffle the sound. "Thank you. I love you too." 

Jaehyun can't help but smile. He discards the courtesy he usually maintains outdoors. He draws Sangyeon against his chest and glares back at the passersby who send inquisitive looks their way. Sangyeon sobs until he can't. They haven't resolved anything. They never do. But it is okay. Jaehyun does his best to dry Sangyeon’s tears and they go home. 

Jaehyun successfully creates a diversion so that Sangyeon can avoid Haknyeon and Jiwoo — mostly because he assumes Jiwoo will tell him off for making someone cry. He is still smarting from her lecture about making Sooyoung cry and he isn't keen to relive that just yet. He finds some comfortable clothes for Sangyeon and they take their turns in the bathroom before settling into bed. 

Jaehyun intends only to talk a bit more and then cuddle up close before they fall asleep and Sangyeon kicks him out of bed without realising. They end up sleeping together and Jaehyun wonders how guilty he should be feeling about it. 

"I have work tomorrow," he says weakly as Sangyeon begins kissing his way down Jaehyun's neck. 

"I know," Sangyeon responds, glib, whilst the weight of the exhales cools the spit-slick skin. "This isn't going to take all night, just give me like three minutes." 

Jaehyun has to give Sangyeon much longer than three minutes but it is worth it. 

*

"I heard something crazy today," Sunwoo says as he perches on the edge of Jaehyun’s desk. 

"What are you doing here?" Jaehyun asks. The problem with working in an open-plan office is the fact that everyone can see Sunwoo and everyone who pays attention to him knows all too well that he is never here for work purposes. 

"Don't you want to know what I heard?" Sunwoo asks as he tosses a rubber band ball into the air and catches it very close to Jaehyun's face. 

Jaehyun smiles. He is a very polite man. "No, I'm not interested in idle gossip, Sunwoo." 

"Not even when it comes to one of our mutual friends?" 

"Nope," Jaehyun says tightly. He isn't actually busy right now and he is torn between entertaining his own demise (courtesy of Kim Sunwoo himself) and continuing deleting the seven hundred emails from his inbox one at a time (though he knows that this carries the risks of another kind of demise courtesy of Kim Sunwoo). 

"I'll tell you anyway," Sunwoo offers, surely not kindly. "A certain Lee Sangyeon has gone missing." 

Sangyeon isn't missing. He is in Jaehyun's flat right now. Possibly. Jaehyun isn't sure right now seeing as he hasn't received a single text message all morning. Regardless of whether Jaehyun is right, he needs to play this interaction safely. 

"What do you mean?" 

Sunwoo sighs and stares into the distance dramatically. "Our Jacob is so worried, you know. Hey, remember when you used to fancy him?" 

"No. Shut up. You're telling stories about Sangyeon, remember?" 

Sunwoo grins. "You fancying Jacob is relevant because you were never able to keep a secret from him back then. Do you remember? He says you have been keeping lots of secrets from him these days." Just before Jaehyun has the opportunity to tell Sunwoo to shut up, Sunwoo goes on, "we're sending out a search party tonight. Do you want to help us look for our friend?" 

Jaehyun shakes his head, definitely incriminating himself right now. "No, thank you. I have plans tonight."

"Alright. If we find Sangyeon in a ditch somewhere, we can all hold you personally responsible," Sunwoo decides and strides away. He walks too fast for Jaehyun to make a retort, especially when he wasn't going to say anything he would like his colleagues and manager to hear. 

Despite knowing that Sunwoo was messing with him, Jaehyun can't help but worry about the silence from Sangyeon. He takes an early lunch and loiters outside the canteen whilst making his call. 

"Where are you right now?" Jaehyun asks before Sangyeon can say a word. 

"I am in your living room and hanging out with my new best friend Jiwoo seeing as she has a day off." 

Not the best answer, but it is the best answer Jaehyun is going to get. "Great," he says whilst ignoring the chirping in the background as Jiwoo marvels at being called Sangyeon’s best friend. "Apparently you're missing." 

"What am I missing?" 

"Everything," Jaehyun says, oddly frantic. "I had Kim Sunwoo, of all people, telling me that you've gone missing and Jacob and everyone else are worried." 

Sangyeon laughs down the line. "But you know where I am. I sucked you off this morning." 

"I remember," Jaehyun says, "thank you." 

"You're welcome," Sangyeon says, clearly still smiling. "Have you calmed down now? Short of Haknyeon kicking me out, I will still be here when you get back."

"Really?" 

"Like I said, it depends on how mad Haknyeon is that his girlfriend is in love with me now. I will be here. Waiting for you." 

"I love you, Sangyeon," Jaehyun says. 

"I knew it," Sunwoo cheers, triumphant. Jaehyun turns to see the back of Sunwoo's stupid sticker-covered iPhone pointed at him. "Say cheese, you guilty sod." 

"You can't speak to me like that. Sangyeon, tell him that he can't speak to me like that." 

"Who?" Sangyeon asks. "I don't know what you're talking about." 

It is much easier to deal with this by only talking to one person. He tells Sangyeon again that he loves him, as quietly as possible so that Sunwoo and his phone don't hear, and tries not to smile too widely when Sangyeon says it back. If he is smiling widely Sunwoo is there to ruin it all anyway. 

"Should I call off the search party?" Sunwoo suggests, still holding his phone up. "I just recorded you talking to Sangyeon. You lied to me earlier and said that you don't know where Sangyeon is, remember? But you know enough to be whispering sweet nothings to him during the work day." 

"Can you delete that, please," Jaehyun asks, very nicely. Sunwoo, very unnicely, refuses. It isn't a valid answer. Jaehyun does the natural thing and wrestles Sunwoo to the ground and steals his phone. 

*

Haknyeon and Jiwoo are out by the time Jaehyun gets home from work. They apparently have reservations at a fancy restaurant and Jaehyun hopes that they haven't let anyone know that Sangyeon is hiding in the flat. Of course nobody needs to be told to turn up uninvited. 

The very insistent knocking at the door is reminiscent of when Sangyeon came to shout at Jaehyun but it can't be Sangyeon this time because Sangyeon is busy having the life kissed out of him. 

"That had better be a hitman," Jaehyun grumbles as he pulls away from pressing Sangyeon against the kitchen counter. 

It isn't a hitman. Knocking the door as though he means business is Jacob. Jaehyun has no choice but to let him in. 

"It's nice to see you both," Jacob says. He folds his arms and leans against the fridge. "Does anyone want to guess why I am here?" 

Jaehyun has a few ideas but he shrugs as he shuffles against Sangyeon’s side. "No idea. Do you have a clue?" 

"I guess he just wanted to see you," Sangyeon says quietly. 

"Close but no cigar," Jacob says with a very plastic smile. "Jaehyun, can you give me Sunwoo's phone?" 

Right. That would make sense. He withdraws Sunwoo's phone from his pocket and hands it over. 

"Why do you have Sunwoo's phone?" Sangyeon asks. Jaehyun sighs. This is a lot. 

"He was being annoying. He was recording me and acting like he was going to tell on me to Jacob and now Jacob's here so I guess it doesn't matter." 

"Yes," Jacob agrees, "it doesn't matter. I give up. I am not interested anymore. Both of you can just do whatever you want. I don't care." 

"Jacob, I'm sorry—" 

"Sangyeon, please shut up," Jacob says, forced calm. He holds Sunwoo's phone tightly and his fingers blanche as he gestures with the recovered phone. "I'm not getting involved. I don't want to hear anything about the two of you. I'll see you at home if you ever feel like coming back. If you live here now, don't tell me about it. I don't care." 

Jaehyun feels as though he should say something but he suspects one of his typically insincere apologies isn't going to cut it here. 

"We're not technically—" 

Jacob laughs but the sound is as void of humour as the man had been since he arrived. Perhaps even before then. "Just this once, listen to me. Don't tell me anything about this, alright. I'm going to go and see Sunwoo."

Jacob leaves and slams the door on his way out. The apprehension on Sangyeon’s face is understandable however Jaehyun is perturbed by something else. 

"That was weird. Why did he make a point about going to see Sunwoo? I know he must be returning the phone, but it's just. Odd." 

"It's nothing," Sangyeon says. The smile isn't at all reassuring but it is the best Jaehyun is going to get. "He's just reminding me that I am being a bad friend." 

"Do you need to go after him?" Jaehyun asks. He is hoping Sangyeon would refuse though he assumes offering would make him look very kind and understanding. He remembers being called sweet. He still wants to be sweet now. Thankfully, Sangyeon takes the sweetness for what it is. 

"I don't need to go. I'll call Jacob later."

Jaehyun categorically does not believe Sangyeon, though he has the foresight to realise that calling him a liar right now would be a terrible decision. Instead he suggests they make something to eat. Jaehyun is relieved to have successfully navigated that mess, though he doesn't feel entirely like someone who did the right thing. 

*

Someone who very clearly has no idea what the right thing to do is Sooyoung. Jaehyun convinces her to meet him at lunchtime and she looks terrible. 

"Thank you," she says drily. 

"I would want to be told if I looked like a mess on a Thursday." 

"Only on Thursdays?" Sooyoung asks, "I'll make a note only to tell you then." 

Though her skin is sallow and the bags beneath her eyes impressive in their capacity, Jaehyun is glad to know she hasn't lost her awful sense of humour. 

"I know you always tell me that you're fine, but be honest with me right now. How are you holding up?" 

Sooyoung shakes her head and twirls her spoon idly in the air. "Not great. I don't know what to do. Haseul won't talk to me. I didn't even do anything and I never intended to in the first place but it feels like I am being punished for basically no reason." 

Jaehyun gets that. He can see both sides of it. Though he has the perspective of understanding why Haseul would put barriers between herself and Sooyoung, he painfully doesn't have any solutions to the problems. 

"I'm sorry about all of this," Jaehyun says. 

"Hyeju apologised to me too," Sooyoung scoffs. "She didn't actually apologise sincerely. It was more 'I'm sorry that I said something anyone can see', which is true but whatever. It's not like it is her fault either. Just stupid, stupid me." 

The irritation and despair is familiar and Jaehyun is stuck being unable to really help. The situation here wouldn't have the same solution as Jaehyun's problem, whether this problem could be considered resolved is another matter altogether. 

"You're not stupid," Jaehyun says. "You are smart, and funny, and you have do many other good points that I haven't been able to see because we're both stupid." 

"Are we stupid or not?" Sooyoung asks. That is a good question. Jaehyun supposes that he was trying to make Sooyoung feel better in the first place. 

"Maybe we're a bit stupid." 

She laughs quietly. "We're so stupid." 

Lunch is nice enough despite everything, though Jaehyun finds it difficult to hint that he needs to head back to work seeing as his lunch has run over. Sooyoung eventually checks her watch and says, "shouldn't you have been back at work already?" 

"Yes, but I wasn't sure I should leave you on your own." 

"You should. You can. Get back to work. Say hello to your boyfriend for me," Sooyoung requests. 

"He's not my boyfriend yet. We're not together properly. We agreed that I wouldn't see anyone else and he wouldn't see anyone else either," Jaehyun explains. Really, he thinks it means that they are together, but for the sake of Sangyeon’s version of semantics he tells people what he has been told to say. They aren't together, they're friends who hang out sometimes. 

Sooyoung smiles, thankfully not completely dead inside whilst still in the middle of what may or may not be a breakup. 

"Don't mess it up," she says as she pulls Jaehyun in close for a tight embrace. 

"I have messed up enough for my entire life, I think," Jaehyun says whilst holding onto Sooyoung. "Maybe you have too. If you can fix this, please make sure you let everyone know that you won't do anything stupid ever again." 

"That's a big promise to make," Sooyoung says. She is right, of course, but Jaehyun needs it to be true for his own sake too. 

*

"I love you," Jaehyun tells Sangyeon whilst sidling beside him. They are both dressed nicely, fancy because of tonight's event, and Jaehyun is feeling particularly amorous after spending hours making eyes at Sangyeon across the dinner table. 

Sangyeon ducks his head, almost bashful, and he is wearing that pretty smile which complements the sharp lines of his suit when he looks up at Jaehyun. 

"I love you too," he says. He can't keep the humour from his voice. This is the furthest thing from a joke but Jaehyun is very fond of the giddy way Sangyeon’s happiness spills out of his mouth. Things are different lately now that Sangyeon has put a lot of his past behind him. His smiles are ceaseless, though Jaehyun is shy of his own ego to ask whether he might actually be the reason for that. 

"Do you think we might be next?" Jaehyun asks. No sooner than the words leave his mouth, his tongue is pressed firmly into his cheek. Jiwoo and Haknyeon's engagement party has been a much classier affair than expected though this seems like a good enough way to ruin it. 

Oddly, Sangyeon’s expression doesn't sour. He withdraws a hand from his pocket and lightly grips Jaehyun's lapel. 

"Might we get engaged next?" 

Jaehyun shrugs. He hadn't expected follow-up like this. "I guess." 

"If we ever get together properly, we might be," Sangyeon says thoughtfully. He isn't looking at Jaehyun and is instead looking across the room illuminated in discoball refractions. "I don't think any of Jiwoo's friends are at that stage right now, are they?" 

There is an implication Jaehyun hears which makes him uncertain. Whilst not knowing a great deal about the love lives of Jiwoo's friends, he knows that Sooyoung isn't anywhere near that position right now. That isn't what Sangyeon is hinting at. Odd. Jaehyun waits for Sangyeon to look at him, gentle pleasantry on his face despite the shrinking of his smile. 

Right now, Jaehyun and Sangyeon still aren't officially together. If they aren't in a proper relationship, they shouldn't be at 'that stage' either, however it sounds a lot like Sangyeon is saying they are around about the stage where they would think about getting engaged. 

Every relationship has two futures: breaking up or staying together forever. Jaehyun has thought a lot about how he intends not to break up with Sangyeon again. He can't hurt this man a single time more than he already has. Unless Sangyeon would prefer to be apart, Jaehyun supposes that his intention would be to stay together forever. Of course, concepts like forever lend themselves to institutions like engagement and marriage as natural expressions. 

Jaehyun loves Sangyeon but he hates himself. They aren't technically together and making a leap of logic to betrothal feels foolish. 

"Are we there?" Jaehyun asks. Sangyeon is the one in the way of a title like 'boyfriend' so it doesn't make sense for Jaehyun to be the gatekeeper of something far deeper. 

"I have already been there with Jaehyun," Sangyeon says. He manages to keep his tone light but he always fails to hide the shade in his tone when he talks about the other Jaehyun. Anyone else is easy but the other Jaehyun still casts a shadow which finds relief in the dimmest of lights. 

"You wanted to marry him?" Jaehyun asks. Sangyeon nods. That's weird. Jaehyun pretends he can breathe just fine with the knuckles of Sangyeon’s hand against his chest. "You never told him that." 

Sangyeon laughs but it isn't quite the same. "We'd never met. I couldn't tell him that I thought he was the one. But almost right away, I was so sure that I had found what I was looking for." 

"A meaningful relationship with someone to grow old with," Jaehyun supplies. He isn't saying it to be facetious despite how the words from Sangyeon’s many online dating profiles have made him cringe in the past. Sangyeon seems to understand. 

"Yes." 

"I'm sorry," Jaehyun says. Sangyeon turns more directly, as though there is only Jaehyun in the room. 

"You're sorry for being perfect?" Sangyeon asks. "That's a new one. Never heard anyone apologising for that before." 

It isn't as clear-cut as that though Jaehyun likes hearing about being perfect. It is all he wants.

"I wasn't perfect in the right way," Jaehyun says. "He is still like another man. How is that anything like me?" 

"No," Sangyeon says, "it is you. You asked me to stop talking about the other Jaehyun as though he is a different person. It's you. He's you. And I haven't been able to escape the way that I feel for you. I didn't stop feeling that." 

This is everything. 

"So," Jaehyun says, "we're there, aren't we? You want to marry me?" 

Sangyeon nods, short and sharp, and Jaehyun is hit by the wave of triumph. This is it, this is everything. He still can't say that they are together but they are going to be — forever and ever. 

"Step outside with me a second," he requests. Though sheepish, Sangyeon obliges. Out on the patio outside, there are a few people smoking but Jaehyun can convince himself that they are alone as he pulls his phone from his pocket and finds the perfect song on Melon. 

"What are you doing right now, what is this song?" Sangyeon asks whilst Jaehyun slips a hand around his waist and clasps their palms together. It is as though he really doesn't know after being so well acquainted with Jaehyun for so long. 

"It's my queen, IU," Jaehyun supplies as the pair of them sway in the totally appropriate atmosphere of vines climbing up wrought-iron streetlights and an ill-advised mist. "When Love Passes By. I am beyond smitten with you, Sangyeon. I just wanted to have a perfect kiss with you before we run away from Haknyeon's party and I show you just how much I love you."

Sangyeon laughs, soft and sweet, and Jaehyun kisses him, just as softly and sweetly, and he has hope that this is it. He is with the love of his life and he is going to start the rest of his life ensuring he never breaks the heart within his grasp.