Chapter Text
Peter wants to feel okay. He wants his stomach to stop shrinking and his breath to stop coming out in little whines every time he closes his eyes at night and tries to sleep. Wants to stop feeling that weight on his shoulders every time he looks back to the past and can only recall tragedy. He wants someone to lift that weight off him. He wants to have Gwen back. He knows it’s impossible. He can’t ask for Uncle Ben to be back, let alone ask for his parents to have never left, but if he could just have Gwen back, everything would be okay. He would be okay. He’d be able to sleep, he’d be able to live with himself.
But Gwen isn't coming back, there is no changing it, and he’s completely lost his path. No… the path is there, he just doesn't want to follow it anymore. Not without her.
“Hey mate” the voice snaps him back to reality, and he realizes he’s been away. Again. He looks to his sides to make sure his boss isn't anywhere near. The last thing he needs today is to be reprimanded. “Any time you feel like giving me that drink…” the man in black suit and dark glasses extends his hand, waiting for Peter to hand the cup.
“Right…” he moves to the side when Flash approaches to take the money from the costumer. “Have a nice day” he tries to smile, but fails.
Flash doesn't even bother to ask today. The usual ‘are you all right?’ doesn't come out of his mouth, and Peter is somehow grateful for it. He hasn't been all right in a long time. He certainly isn't now and he won’t be in the future either, so he’s grateful his friend has learnt that already because he can’t keep coping with his useless concern.
He’s being a total dick, he knows that. But Flash needs to understand that he will never be the same Peter again. No more joking around and no more picking up on annoying customers, and no more anything of what he used to do.
No more Spiderman.
Gwen. Gwen was the force keeping him up. Not his parents, ‘cos they had never been there. Not Uncle Ben, because he had been such a stupid and immature kid at the time and somebody had to pay for it. It was Gwen. Even though he had thought he could handle it, that he would be able to protect her, that Spiderman would be able to protect her, neither of the two had been able to do it in the end. And it had been his fault. Again.
Not only had he lost the most important person in his life, but also his best friend. What were the benefits of having been bitten by that stupid spider after all? If when the time came, when the ones he loved needed protection, he couldn't provide it? What was the point of all of it? Spiderman had cost him his uncle and his girlfriend. He was not going to let him take Aunt May away too.
No more Spiderman.
“Parker!” Peter jumps out of surprise and curses internally as he turns around and meets his boss’ eyes. Flash sends him a furtive look from beside. “You have a delivery to do.”
Peter hates delivering. Especially at night, because night is the time for robberies. Time of police sirens. Time to fight back the instincts. Leaving Spiderman behind is unfortunately easier said than done. Some nights are worse than others, of course. Some nights he stops at the traffic lights and witnesses a mugging, but he stays in place while at the same time a bus is unable to stop at a crosswalk in a nearby street and whilst some teenager runs away from a bunch of bullies on the opposite side.
Nothing feels more wrong than to pretend he’s unaware of it. But then he thinks of Ben, of Gwen and Harry and George. Who took care of them, while he was taking care of strangers? Who looks after those ones important to him while he’s too busy being a superhero to the city? Exactly, no one. He’s already learnt the lesson, he’s not tripping over the same rock again. Not again. He’s not dragging anyone into his web of catastrophe ever again.
Except maybe… himself.