Work Text:
Bella: …
Hugo: hey Bells!
Bella: I can’t do this anymore
Hugo: can’t do what? What are you taking about?
Bella: I can’t imagine life without you anymore
Hugo: Bella…
Bella: but I’m not allowed to have you either…I can’t pretend anymore…
Hugo: what does that mean?
Bella: I’m sorry
Hugo: Bella, talk to me. What happened? What does that mean?
Hugo: Bells, answer me, please.
Hugo: don’t disappear like this, what does that mean?
Hugo: we don’t have to talk anymore, just tell me you’re alright…please Bella…
She stared at the messages, her phone held tightly with shaky fingers, as the other hand held a bottle vodka that she already drank of a fourth of. It had tasted disgusting but not anywhere near as bad as the taste of goodbye.
Tears lazily dripped down her cheeks as she closed her eyes and listened to Lana Del Rey blare through her speakers. The same song on repeat, over and over again, somehow making her feel better and worse at the same time.
Said he’d come back every May
Just to help me if I’d paint
My bannisters blue
Blue bannisters, ooh
Blue bannisters indeed…she had spent much of her time lately wondering what it would have been like if she had gotten her way. Where would they have gone? What would they have done together? Where would they have lived? What color would they have painted their bannisters?
The thoughts plagued her more and more until she couldn’t take it anymore. Bella wanted Hugo more than anything, but he was off limits, already spoken for. She sneered at the thought, she was pretty sure Sally could give two shits less about him, at least in a romantic sense. Bella didn’t understand why he was still with Sally, why he didn’t want her…
She took another gulp of vodka. That wasn’t fair of her, she knew why he hadn’t left Sally yet. The pair had been together for over ten years and they didn’t have any proof that she was seeing Taylor behind Hugo’s back, not really. They only had some odd behavior, a bit of infatuation on Taylor’s part, and lack of on Sally’s part, but it wasn’t really proof of anything. Bella couldn’t possibly ask him to leave the woman he had been with for over ten years over…that.
Another gulp of vodka. So she decided to do what she knew was best for everyone, including herself. She ended it, as much as it felt like torture she knew this was the right thing to do. Hugo could continue life without a guilty conscience, Sally could keep pretending she loved him, and Taylor could keep fucking Sally to his heart’s content behind his best friend’s back. Bella could…she would…she took another gulp of vodka.
She jumped at the sudden sound of a rather loud knock on her door. Her shoulders tensed as she had a pretty good guess who it was. There was no way she could outright ignore him and he would accept that, it just wasn’t who he was. She would try her very best to pretend she wasn’t here, even if her lower lip was already trembling and her whole body practically vibrated with unshed tears.
“Bella? It’s Hugo.” His voice sounded hoarse and stressed, even a bit frantic. Her heart clenched at the sound, she didn’t want to hurt him, but it was better to get it over with now then continue to watch him fight with his own guilt every day.
“Please, I know you’re in there, I can hear the music.” He said and she huffed slightly at his persistence, but made no movement to answer the door or acknowledge him. She merely took another drink of vodka and stared at the door. The door that held back the only future she wanted anymore, the only future she couldn’t have.
“Bella, I just want to…I need to know you’re alright. You stopped answering, I got worried-.” He cut himself off with a sigh and she heard a faint thump against the door. She slowly got up on wobbly bare legs, leaving her phone behind so she could have a free hand to help with her balance.
She wasn’t nearly as drunk as she thought she should be, if she was finally admitting stuff than she might as well admit that she had been drinking a lot more lately than she should have been too. It helped with constant barrage of Hugo in her mind, the constant barrage of wishes and wants. If she could forget for a while everything would be alright, she could only fool herself with that thought for so long.
She finally made it to the door and merely stared at it as she swayed lightly. Her fingers clenched with the want to turn the knob and open it for him. To see his smile, the little dimples of relief on his cheeks, and finally take what she wanted, what should be hers. But that wasn’t her fate, another gulp of vodka.
“Bells, don’t leave me in the dark, please. We can figure this out, we can still be…” He cut himself off again and she could hear the same pain in his voice that she felt in every inch of her body. “I don’t know what we can be, but please don’t shove me out, not yet.”
She shut her eyes at the pleading tone as the tears finally slid down her cheeks once more. The drink she took this time nearly made her choke. How was she supposed to do this? Why was she the one that had to do the right thing? Why did she have to torture herself while everyone else remained none the wiser?
“It’s selfish I know, but I can’t—.” She finally got fed up enough to open the door. Fuck this, fuck ignoring him, time for plan B: act like a crazy, angry bitch and scare him off. She might go insane if he didn’t leave soon.
“What Hugo? What do you want?!” She shouted as she angrily swung the door open. Her chest heaving with held back sobs and anger as she stared him down, door knob in one hand, vodka in the other.
She must’ve looked as insane as she felt. Wearing only the shirt he had lent her once on one of their ‘outings’ and her underwear, mascara smeared around her wet eyes, hair a frizzy puffed up mess from running her fingers through it one too many times. She was almost glad Hugo was the one she had to face, anyone else would have thought she needed to be tossed in the nearest looney bin.
“You’re alright.” He breathed out and pulled her tight against him without a second thought. She froze at the contact for a moment, fighting every urge in her body to melt into his embrace and stay there forever.
“Get off.” She grumbled as she used her free hand to weakly fight against him. She had to get away from him, she couldn’t be this close to him for too long, especially since she had been drinking.
“When you stopped answering your messages and then didn’t answer your door...” He only squeezed her tighter, ignoring her protests, and pressed his cheek against her head. She stopped struggling after a moment and stood there, trying her best to fight what she wanted but her resolve too weak to really try. His hugs were always so warm and relaxing, they were one of her favorite things about him. No matter what was happening, there wasn’t anything that couldn’t have been fixed by a hug from Hugo.
“You know why I didn’t answer.” She finally croaked out as she leaned against him more, closing her eyes and breathing him in. A smell she thought she would never get to smell again, an embrace she thought she’d never get to feel again. Some of her most favorite things in this world and she was ready to give them up to someone who didn’t even appreciate them.
Hugo didn’t answer, just held her even closer. He didn’t have an answer for her and she knew why. He felt the same torture as she did. They had to do this, they couldn’t keep going the way they were, it was destructive. She could feel the fight he was having with himself, the anxiety of being without her, the stress and guilt of being with her, it practically radiated around him.
“Don’t do this.” He finally whispered, so softly she almost didn’t hear it. His body began to tremble and she couldn’t take anymore. She pushed herself closer to him and squeezed his upper arm softly with her free hand.
“You know I have to.” She whispered in return and pressed her face into his shoulder until she felt his fingers gently tangle themselves in her messy hair. He pulled her face away and she looked up at him to see his own eyes rimmed red, his own hair messy.
He crashed his lips against hers and she dropped the bottle to wrap her arms around his neck, hearing its loud thump against the floor. She felt his hands slide down her back and under her butt and she jumped up to wrap her legs around his waist.
His lips were hypnotic and she couldn’t help the soft moan that left her lips as he gently bit her lip, her back hitting the wall. One hand buried itself in his hair as she pulled him as close as she possibly could. Just this kiss, just one, she would take just one and let him go.
“Hugo.” She breathed out when his lips moved down to her neck and she dug her nails in his back. He shook his head, wanting to stay in their own little world as much as she did.
“I need you, please don’t shove me out.” His grip on her hips tightened and her head thumped back against the wall as her neck started to feel wet. She closed her eyes in an effort to hold back her own tears as she ran her fingers through his hair and held his head against her neck.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” She murmured, trying to be strong for the both of them as she pretended not to noticed the shake of his shoulders. “We can’t do this anymore.”
They spent a few more moments in silence as he pulled himself together and she let herself enjoy holding him in a way she had never been able to before, even if it would be the last time she would. He finally pulled away, letting her feet fall back to the floor and kept his grip on her as she steadied herself.
“Sorry I uh—.” He cut himself off at the shake of her head, he never had to apologize, not with her. She grabbed his hand and silently led him back to the door, everything she wanted to say either too much or not enough.
“This is it then.” He finally said as he stared at the open doorway with dread and acceptance. She nodded as she stared up at him and when he looked back at her again she managed one last weak smile for him. “Goodbye, Bella.”
“Bye, Hugo.” She whispered, placing her hand against his cheek as she memorized his face one last time. Leaning up she gave him one last chaste, bittersweet, kiss filled with promise.