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Potassium: 1
I feel like I should give some explanation... perhaps not as to why I deleted, but why I am re-uploading? I suppose the one leads to the other, so:
I deleted gaywrongs because I couldn't stand myself in all honesty lmao. as in, I was a cringe-y piece of shit on here and stan twitter, and though I didn't have a big presence on the latter, it didn't sit right with me that I was putting out fics for a fandom that made me hate so much of myself. and I don't just mean the orbit/loona fandom, I mean the kpop fandom as a whole -- specifically the international western-focused kpop fandom, perpetuated largely on social media, I guess? when I first started writing fic for kpop (and this was like, teenage me for snsd back in their heyday) I kind of just went with what the common language was/widely accepted culture around it, and same for my entrance into loona ficwriting and subsequent foray into stan twitter back in 2018 -- it took some reflecting to realize why so much of it always rubbed me the wrong way, and to put it simply: I started writing and engaging in these spaces for means of representation as a korean lesbian, and it took me years to realize it was these exact spaces that paradoxically made me hate myself for being a korean lesbian.
it's the morality of rpf in general, sure; although for that there exists solid discourse about the layers within fandom culture in general that you can probably find in academic articles from the 1960s, or just tumblr posts circa 2011. but it's also the added spice of 'cultural contextualization' that doesn't sit well with my palate -- is fetishization unavoidable when such alarmingly deep-rooted parasocial projections are based on perception and consumption of a specific ethnic group/culture by people not of that specific ethnic group/culture? is there any way to engage in these spaces outside of an occidental perspective? should I have chosen kpop trainee over fanfiction writer as the better unethical hobby-occupation? many thoughts, more at ten -- but tl;dr, kpop fans both irl and in the subsequent overlap with online fandom spaces have put me in incredibly awful situations, mentally and physically, simply because of how this informs their perception of me as a korean lesbian: so I thought it best if I stopped being perceived, and didn't have to think about the implications of producing content for such a nauseating niche.
now, the reason I'm re-posting: frankly, call me a hypocrite and as immorally complicit a fiend as any, but I missed writing, and engaging with readers of what I wrote -- and as much as I claim to dislike it, this f/f kpop nook of fanfiction is the only one I'm familiar with. so I got back into writing for a new fandom, with the new caveat: I read only what I write. and it's been a blast. according to friends, this fandom is just as bad as orbits, but since I don't engage with fan content at all outside of that, I Do Not See It. in my happy little bubble, everyone knows and respects the difference between fiction and reality, no one tosses up out-of-context korean honorifics, and by default it makes my juvenile ass writing the most enjoyable bs I've ever read, which makes the process all the more fun. willful, wrongful ignorance? yea. but it was a comment I got recently, as well as the fact that my body has been inexplicably shutting down the past few months, that made me rethink my decision to delete everything (apologies to donotfeedthebirds for the handful of ccs asking about gaywrongs, and apologies to those people as well for that broken link).
a friend once joked at one of those ccs, "it's like you wrote the bible or smthn" and I took a step back because lmfao to think!! that something I wrote for a wlw kpop fanfic!! could hold any sort of gravity -- and then I got this comment on a new fic I wrote, and it said,
"you made me feel, and that is something I never take for granted"
and that. made me think. call me cringe or overreacting, I will gladly claim those! but I remembered that people have told me some of the stupidest shit I've written as gaywrongs has quite literally saved their life. and at the very least, I know for a fact that what I've written has made people feel -- I had hundreds of subscribers upon deletion and I feel stupid for assuming more importance to my works than should be granted, but I also feel stupid for disregarding that knowing that they have had some sort of impact on people other than myself. bc people, whatever the audience demographic, read fiction for the same reasons one writes it; to be seen, to feel. so personal misgivings aside, I've realized, (dramatically) in the face of my own mortality, I don't care as much as I used to about being perceived. I just got back from my fourth hospital stay in the past two months, so I realized I shouldn't put this off any longer. I don't actually expect anyone except three people to care, and I'm kind of hoping this slides under the radar unnoticed, but if you are one of those three reading this and/or remember that gaywrongs bastard: thank you, endlessly, and I hope whenever something makes you feel that you never take it for granted.
actual tl;dr: here's a compilation of (almost) all the shit I deleted, sorry I was afk
- gaywrongs (derogatory)