Chapter Text
Cas’ handwriting was shit. A fact becoming more and more apparent the longer he stared at the page in front of him. In his defense, he’d never expected to need to write many things down. As an angel his memory was unparalleled, even when he was within a present moment he could easily retrieve memories from millenia ago and recite them as if they’d occurred yesterday. Now he was human; all those memories seemed to be lost to the blackest parts of the void inside his brain. He huffed in frustration before picking up the paper to scrutinise it further. It was a list of eight things he wanted to do now he was human. He knew it was eight things because he had written eight things but those eight things had morphed into each other and become either five or six things depending on how you comprehended Cas’ illegible babble. He flopped backwards on his bed. There must be an easier way to record things like this. Sure he could just improve his handwriting and try again but to his knowledge improving your handwriting required practice, and practice takes patience and right now Cas felt he was a little running low on anything even remotely similar to patience. He rolled to his side and brought the list in front of him again.
Why was it so hard to think of a solution? He felt like he knew nothing, and this list was meant to make him feel a little better, give him something to do. As of right now though, all it was doing was making him mad about his handwriting, which Dean described as ‘chicken scratch’ anytime Cas tried to add something to the shopping list pinned to the fridge. What even was chicken scratch? Who were the chickens writing to? Cas guessed it probably wasn’t humans which is probably why they didn’t understand it. Hm. He supposed it wasn’t like anyone else had to read his list. It was for him and him alone. Maybe he didn’t need to make it neater or ‘legible’.
He lay there stewing in the idea. Maybe he was okay with how shit his handwriting was?
…
Nope. Nope. He scrambled out of bed. He couldn’t just leave it like that or his shortcomings would come back to mock him everytime he looked at the list. Maybe one of the Winchester’s would know how to help? He stormed through the hallways, which was easier said than done considering the ridiculous socks covered in what he was told were smiling raindrops (what they were smiling about he didn’t know, but he did like the colour blue so he let their suspicious conveyance of emotion slide) that he wore on his feet. He stopped at a junction and then made a beeline for the library. Sam spent most of his free time there and he was probably the safest bet to ask for help. Dean would probably tease Cas to the moon and back if he went to him. Probably make some rude comment about Cas’ new found human status, reference a piece of media Cas had never consumed and then offer not even one actual solution.
Luckily for Cas, Sam was right where he thought he’d be; tucked in a leather chair, books stacked to his elbow on the ground beside him, peacefully flipping through a novel that looked like it may or may not be bound in human skin.
Cas paused. Was his frustration at his own handwriting a good enough reason to disturb Sam? Sam barely got peace and quiet as it was, and Cas was about to take it away from him over some dumb list. Maybe he should just slink back to his room and learn to deal with being illegible. Suddenly Sam looked up. Oh shit, there goes the slinking idea.
“You okay Cas?” Sam looked genuinely concerned.
“Um… yes I’m- I was wondering if you’d be able to help me with something,” Cas said, looking everywhere but at Sam’s face. He really did feel guilty about disturbing him, he’d felt guilt before but never over something so small. Being human really sucked huh.
“Course I can,” Sam said, putting his book back on the stack, “What’s up?”
Cas shuffled the rest of the distance and plonked himself down into the chair across from Sam. He handed Sam the list, “Can you read this?” Sam’s hesitance spoke volumes.
“I- uh, I mean, it’s better than it used to be.”
“Thank you for the vote of confidence Sam, but just because it’s better doesn’t mean it’s good. I was wondering if you knew of some way I could make this legible sooner rather than later.”
“I mean, you could always just type it up and then print it out.”
Cas sat up straighter, “How?”
Sam laughed lightly, tucking his hair behind his ear (a habit Cas had noticed Sam did even when his hair wasn’t in his eyes) as he mirrored Cas’ forwards movement, almost like they were sharing a secret. “You could use my laptop if you’d like.”
Oh! Of course! Sam’s laptop, how could Cas have forgotten. He’d watched Sam type research notes so many times, watched his fingers glide with ease across the keys. Cas had always been impressed by how at home Sam seemed when he was typing. He was simply observing Sam’s skill at typing, definitely not his hands in general, he was only looking at them because they were moving and the eye is caught and interested by moving things. That was it, end of story.
“Cas?”
Oh no. Cas had zoned out while thinking about Sam’s hands when here Sam was, waiting for an answer. He schooled his emotions in his head to present on his face as a thankful smile, “Thank you Sam, I would very much appreciate being able to use your laptop.”
To Cas’ relief Sam smiled back, “Of course man, like I said it’s no problem. You could even use it now if you’d like, not like I’m using it for anything.” Sam was looking at Cas attently. Another question meant Cas had to give another answer, although he supposed it was more of an offer rather than a question. Sam was always offering Cas things, always had he supposed, maybe he was just noticing it more now he was human.
Being human forced him to be more present, a fact he was still learning to deal with. At first he thought maybe it was normal for humans to notice the smaller things in a moment, to notice how someones hands twitched, or how their tone fluctuated on a specific word, or even the points of contact between themselves and whatever chair they were sitting in. Apparently it wasn’t. Apparently that was just Cas accostuming himself to being ‘present’. He couldn’t control when it happened either, that was the worst part. He hated how he had no say in where his mind wandered to, like how now it decided the fact that Sam was slotting his fingers together and using them to cup his knee was extremely intriguing. Especially, his brain decided, how his thumbs rubbed distractedly against the side of his knee; Cas wondered how that would feel against his own knee- woAh no no no. Cas mentally scolded himself. He wasn’t always certain of what was socially acceptable but he felt fairly confident that thinking about his friends fingers twice in a singular interaction was what Dean called a No Go.
He ducked his head. He didn’t know why, but something in his gut told him making eye contact with Sam right now would be morally dubious so instead he settled for glaring at the list in his hands that started this whole damn situation. “Yes please,” He muttered, fiddling with the damn list, barely aware of Sam standing in the corner of his eye til he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked up.
“Come on, I, uh, left it at the map table.”
“Oh.” Cas stood, trailing behind Sam, folding and then re-folding the list. Maybe this was a bad idea. It’s not like he hadn’t done human things before, he’d had to do plenty thanks to simply being within an 1000 metre radius of the Winchester brothers. But he knew that when he made the list, in fact that was one of the reasons he made it. All the human things he done had been because of the Winchesters and the things he was clutching in his fist were things he wanted to do because of him.
The pair reached the map room and easily spotted the laptop. Since the recent lull in cases the table had been fairly barren, with most cases able to be researched from the comfort of the library or even sometimes while lying in bed for a full day. Not that Sam would ever lie in bed for a full day, even when he was sick. For some insane reason he always forced himself out of bed even on the verge of death. Cas didn’t know how he did it. All he’d had to deal with thus far was a very mild runny nose and he had never felt closer to dramatic despair then he had any time he had to sniff back any amount of snot.
Sam pulled out the chair right infront of the laptop, Cas paused for a moment before realising it was for him. He gave a brief ‘thank you’ as he sat, watching Sam open the laptop and quickly type in his password with habitual ease. “So…” Sam begun, leaning his weight onto the back of Cas’ chair as they both stared at the newly created word document, “May I ask what’s got you so desperate to be legible?” A slight smirk. Sam wasn’t making a dig at him. Cas relaxed, sighing his full weight into the chair.
“I have made a list that will take some time to complete, so I thought it would be best if I figured out a way to ensure that I can still read it over time.”
“Oh?” Was all Sam said. By know Cas understood that the inflection at the end of the word meant Sam was asking more. What’s on the list? Why will it take some time? Why does it need to be written down?
“It’s um-” Cas stumbled, “It’s a list of some things I’d like to do now I’m human.” Cas chanced a glance at Sam and watched as an eyebrow quirked and a smile fueled an emotion Cas couldn’t identify grew on his face.
“Oh.” Sam said again, but this time there was no inflection. The tone was almost… fond. “That’s really neat!”
Cas let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, “You think so?”
Sam nodded clasping Cas’ shoulder for an oh so brief moment, “If you need a second pair of hands for any of them I’d be glad to help.”
“You would?”
“Yeah man, I think it’s actually kinda nice that you wanna do something like this. It’s… a nice change of pace.” Cas watched with unconscious intent as Sam once again tucked his hair behind his ear. Sam turned his eyes to him and Cas managed to fight off the urge to look away.
“Thank you Sam,” Cas said, injecting it with as much genuine thanks as he could. Sam gave a small nod before pointing vaguely towards the library muttering something about finishing the book. Cas gave a nod back, which he hoped communicated that he was okay with Sam’s departure. He wasn’t really. His technological skills left a lot to be desired but there was no point in dragging Sam along any further. He’d already been so helpful. He was always so helpful.
They exchanged a little wave as Sam skipped to the top step out of the map room like it was nothing. Cas sighed and turned back to the laptop. He smoothed out the now fairly crinkled original list, using the edge of the laptop to hold it flat and begun to type.
1. Buy clothes that are mine that I like and are not borrowed
He pushed the rolled up sleeve of his borrowed flannel further up his elbow, and tapped his toes together at the thought of getting to buy his own clothes. Sure what the Winchesters wore worked for them but Cas would be lying if he didn’t admit that there had been a time or two where he’d admired a witnesses sweater or cardigan. He couldn’t explain why, but something about them called to him. He wanted to find out why.
2. Cook edible food
Now this was just basic human things. He needed food to survive so why not learn how to make it? The only deterent was that both times he had tried in the past ended in either something that looked great but tasted like a horse’s ass or an unexplainable fire that had claimed his tie. Hmm. This was one of the ones he would definitely be asking help from Sam for.
3. Go to the beach, maybe go in the water. Maybe.
Human spoke fondly of their time at the beach although Cas wasn’t sure why someone would voluntarily get wet outside of showering.
4. Plant something for the bees
It only seemed fair, plus the roof of the bunker was awfully barren and he already knew from analysis he’d done before that the soil was perfect for some sort of garden patch. Lists didn’t necassarily have to be done in order… right?
5. Drive with the windows down listening to my music from this century
Look, Cas really appreciated Dean trying to ‘share’ his music taste with him but Cas had developed his own taste. Sure it incorporated some of Dean’s influence but it was had things Dean would never EVER approve of, aka; released after 1979.
6. Build a blanket fort
Claire had said this was a fun thing to do with someone else and Cas was all for trying to strengthen whatever bonds he’d stumbled into as an angel. He usually trusted Claire’s judgement, and surely Sam would be willing to help.
7. Drink til I am ‘buzzed’
Not drunk Cas decided firmly, just ‘buzzed’. Just to see what it’s like. What could be the harm in that?
8. Figure out why Sam likes running what am I missing
Cas truly did not understand Sam’s positive attitude towards running outside of running away from things. It scared him, but then again he’d heard several people say you should ‘do what scares you most’ so why not give it a try.
He sat for a few moments, satisfied with the new found legibility of his list. He tapped his fingers on the keys before adding;
9. Improve my hand writing >: (
There. He sat back satisfied, now all he had to do was print it. Only problem was he had no clue how to which meant it was time to call Sam-
Wait. What’s this?
Cas clicked a drop down menu from the top bar. He could change how the text looked?! He shuffled his chair in excitedly. It’s not like Sam wouldn’t come out to check on him once he’d finished the book right? Sure he loved books but Cas knew that he also deeply loved his laptop. Which meant Cas had until Sam wandered back out to experiment with fonts. Cas smiled to himself. Maybe his hand writing forcing him to have to type up his list wasn’t such a bad thing after all.