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Keiji’s shoe touched the solid, reliable concrete of the parking lot as he stepped out of his highly expensive, yet highly manly Toyota 4Runner. It had set him back a lot of cash back when he bought it, but it was worth it to drive down the all American highways while feeling the all American sun beaming down on his face.
Keiji turned around after he fully stepped out of his highly beloved highly American Toyota 4Runner and gently closed the driver’s side door, which was on the right, because this is America, and not anywhere else.
“Hold tight baby.” Keiji said in Japanese, despite this being America. “Daddy’s coming back soon.”
Keiji’s highly beautiful Toyota 4Runner was parked smack dab in the middle of the parking lot instead of in any of the designated parking spaces. Normally that wouldn’t be a very nice thing to do, but Keiji thought it was fine because there were absolutely no other cars here. It wasn’t like the place was closed, Keiji thought, as it was the middle of the day. Weird. Maybe no one else appreciated this place as much as he did. He’d just have to show it enough love to make up for it.
Keiji set forward, taking long and inspirational strides as he walked towards the massive orange streaked building with the American flag fluttering in the American wind above it. The mere sight of it made his head feel light, as if he was floating on air. As if he was going… to Heaven. An uncommon smile kept onto his face and a tear ran down his cheek as he approached his new favourite place in the whole world. The Home Depot.
He always thought that was a good name, as it commanded great power. If they had just written “Home Depot” on the building it wouldn’t have the same effect. This was “THE Home Depot”. Every single satisfied customer who entered this great establishment had the honour of going into what was at that moment, somewhere they perceived as the ONLY Home Depot. A grand haven of tools and supplies that they have been invited to by the sacred telepathic suggestion of God. Truly, it’s never that you decide to go to the Home Depot. You’re willed to.
The automatic doors of the Home Depot slid open to invite yet another holy passenger into its gates. Surely they built the mechanism at work from home-grown Home Depot tools, as anything else would not be enough for this temple.
Keiji entered the Home Depot proper, revelling in the cool air conditioning brushing over his body, a stark yet pleasant contrast to the beaming American sun outside. The breeze whisked away the sweat from his brow, but curiously, he merely kept producing more. Perhaps his sweat wasn’t produced from the heat after all, but his nerves.
...Yeah, that’s gotta be it. To tell the truth… this was his first time. There are no Home Depots in Japan, so Keiji had to drive all the way to the States to enjoy this sacred land. But now that he was here, the whole thing felt a lot bigger than he was, likely not helped by the complete lack of other customers in the vicinity. But it was too late to turn back now.
Laid bare in front of him was an indescribable sight. Sturdy shelves forming numbered aisles, support beams forming scaffolding-like patterns across the ceiling with beams of holy light shining through. He… was here. The Home Depot.
Immediately he noticed that he wasn’t alone here after all. Just nearby was a concerned looking Home Depot employee, clad in holy vestments. That is to say, she was wearing the Home Depot uniform.
Keiji approached her nervously, but managed to steel himself just enough to speak. “...Heya.” he grumbled. “I’m at Home Depot.” he announced, as if she didn’t realise that. Perhaps he just felt so prideful that he simply had to express his achievement.
The woman’s lips moved and Keiji could tell that she said words, but he had no idea what they were. It just sounded like discordant mumbling, though he could make out that she sounded both confused and worried.
...Oh, Keiji got it. She must be speaking American, and is confused why Keiji is speaking Japanese. Well, tough for her, Japanese is the only language he spoke, wrote, or understood.
“Guess I’ll just show myself around.” he mumbled pointlessly, leaving the worker behind and setting off towards one of the aisles at random, being unable to read the signs that were written in American.
It was a great honour to walk down the aisle as if walking on a gilded brick road, all the while glancing and cooing at different tools and materials. Some wrenches here, power drills here, even all kinds of things he’d never even seen before.
It was almost overwhelming, in fact. His neck started to tighten up with anxiety, as if something was clasped around it. One of his hands reached up to touch his neck and he remembered something.
Right. He was wearing his collar that was fastened onto him before the beginning of the Death Game. It figures that he was wearing it. It wasn’t as if he could adjust it to be comfortable or anything, but he could get used to it now that he remembered it was there, so long as he had something else to focus on. Let’s see...
Ah! The scent of wood was in the air, so Keiji chose to follow it like a dog trained to lock onto a faint smell. He glided past aisles as if travelling through a wonderful labyrinth, and despite the confusing almost non-euclidian nature of this magical place he found his way to the wood aisle.
It was incredible. Just wood on the shelves, from wall to wall to wall, of all different colours and sizes! Keiji’s heart raced and his legs moved on their own as he walked into the wood aisle, soon speed-walking, soon running, and then soon sprinting through the bountiful spring.
Though, he found his acceleration suddenly halted when he collided right into a particularly thick, particularly beautiful refined chunk of wood. It was hard, it was huge, it was strong, it was… reliable.
“I… think I’m in love…” Keiji couldn’t help but mutter, clasping his hands around the thick chunk of wood. Despite its heft, he found it easy to clutch to his chest and remove gently yet firmly from the shelf. It was almost as if it was cooperating with him.
Keiji’s mind was set. He didn’t need anything else from the Home Depot, as long as he had this artefact. He retraced his steps perfectly, returning to the entrance of the Home Depot where the concerned employee still stood behind her counter.
“Hey.” Keiji began, though he knew full well she didn’t speak Japanese. “I want… no, I need this, please.” he announced as he reached a hand into his pocket and tossed a couple loose coins and buttons onto the counter. That should cover it.
“Keiji, what are you talking about?” the cashier replied, in fluent Japanese. Huh.
“Huh.” Keiji grunted. “That’s weird, I didn’t think you spoke Japanese.”
“I’ve been speaking Japanese this entire time. You’re speaking nonsense, please, sit down.” She sounded even more concerned now, but Keiji didn’t see why.
“Nah, that’s fine.” Keiji casually replied. “I’ll just go sit in my car.”
He turned towards the Home Depot’s automatic doors and they slid open at his behest. As Keiji walked out though, he noticed something strange - his Toyota 4Runner was nowhere to be seen.
...Actually, the entire parking lot was nowhere to be seen. The only piece of land left was the cracked concrete he currently stood on, fragmented and unstable from where it was once connected to the parking lot proper. The American sun floated directly in front of his eyes, bright and blinding.
“...Phew.” Keiji uncomfortably grunted, shifting his eyes to look towards anything else. His eyes met with the pure black inky sky that loomed endlessly above him. That was odd. He looked towards the ground instead to investigate, and peered over the end of his little concrete outcrop to find out that underneath him seemed to be a similar endless void.
“Man… Would be troublesome if I fell now.”
The concrete beneath him fractured and gave way, sending Keiji into free fall. Whoops.
Keiji’s body flipped every which way as he fell, clutching to his prized wood with fervour, desperate not to let it slip away from him and fall somewhere else in the void. This was a pretty tricky situation, Keiji thought. Not sure how to get out of this one.
“...Kei… ...ea… n...” a manly voice quietly muttered in the distance.
“Hm?” Keiji grunted.
“Keiji… Ya’ can hear me, can’t ya’?” it repeated. ‘Ya’, huh? Sounded… American.
“Is that you… God?” Keiji muttered weakly. “Guess I am in America… makes sense that God would be American…”
His vision started to blur, and he was struggling to see the details on his beautiful chunk of wood. Gotta focus here, Keiji.
“The sun’s… so bright…” Keiji muttered.
“H-huh? Hey! Don’t go toward no lights now, Keiji!”
Keiji felt his chest tighten, though it wasn’t from inside. It was as if something was hugging him close… the wood?
Keiji hugged the wood back, tightly and with both arms. “...Least if I’m falling… I’m glad that you’re here with me…”
“...Say-say what?” the godly voice replied. “Uh… well that’s real flatterin’ Keiji, but…”
Keiji’s eyes closed serenely, and he felt himself stop falling. He felt stable though, as if he was being closely held. He allowed himself to smile one final time, as he held his wood close to him.
”Keiji!”
Keiji’s eyes suddenly snapped open, and he was assaulted by a whole mixture of colours. He wasn’t falling through a void at all, he was laid on the floor of a strange room with an operating table and a vending machine. The warm light above the operating table was angled at just the right point so that it shone down on the sprawled out man, much as the American sun shone down on him just moments ago.
Wait a minute. Keiji frantically looked around for his perfect chunk of wood he had previously found, but just found that his arms were wrapped around a sleeved, muscular arm instead. It had the exact same consistency and invoked the same emotions as that beautiful chunk of wood he seized in the temple.
“...Huh…” Keiji grumbled. “That’s weird…”
He followed the arm to a shoulder, and that shoulder to a collared neck, and that neck to a head.
“...Oh. Hey, Q-taro.” Keiji said, blinking a few times at him in confusion. “What are you doing at Home Depot?”
“We ain’t at Home Depot, Keiji…” Q-taro muttered worriedly.
“You keep talking about Home Depot…” the same female voice from his quest said. He glanced away from Q-taro and up towards a slim figure, dressed in a large flowing dress instead of in a Home Depot uniform.
“Huh… Mai too…” Keiji deliriously said. Things were starting to make a bit more sense.
“You were looking at those tools on the wall and I think you got distracted…” Mai said gravely. “You slipped and hit your head, then you kept trying to move around and were talking nonsense.”
“Well, that explains the headache…” Now that his bliss had faded, Keiji felt a solid throbbing in the middle of his forehead. At least he was lucid now.
“Can you stand, Keiji?” Mai asked with concern.
“Yep. Should be able to. Might have to give me a hand standing up though.”
“Mind helpin’ us both out, Mai? I might have trouble standin’ too after all. Back still smarts.” Q-taro asked, and Mai nodded with fervour in response.
With the strength of all three of them, Q-taro and Keiji returned to their feet.
“Phew… that’s better.” Keiji mumbled. They had stood up slow enough to avoid him feeling light-headed, thankfully. “Let’s get moving. I’ve wasted enough of our time sleeping on the floor.”
“Yeah… but uh, Keiji?” Q-taro nervously mumbled.
“What’s up?” Keiji casually quizzed.
“Do ya’ think… ya’ could stop holdin’ onto my arm like that?”
“Oh. Right.”