Chapter Text
To be fair, Sterling and Luke did date for a significant amount of their developmental period so it makes sense that they have some similarities.
Blair just wishes it wasn’t picking up a guitar after experiencing loss.
Sterling asked their parents at one of the first family dinners that wasn’t occupied by Blair screaming at Debbie and Anderson after the incident.
In a meek voice, she said, “I think I’d like to learn the guitar.”
Everyone was so shocked to hear Sterling even speak at all, they immediately agreed, and Anderson took her to their local music shop the next day to pick one out.
Sterling stared at the wall of guitars for a long time, at first refusing to ask for any help. Anderson just nodded, placing a gentle hand to her shoulder, which Sterling promptly shrugged off. Anderson composed himself quickly though, ignoring the pang in his chest at the immediate reaction.
“Well, you just take as much time as you need. We’ve got nowhere to be,” he spoke softly before stepping away and linking his hands behind his back, patiently rocking from heel to toe.
Eventually, Sterling did consult with an employee, who plucked what he referred to as a ‘Yamaha APX600’ off of the wall. Neither Sterling nor Anderson knew if that was supposed to mean something but Sterling did understand that the neck of the guitar was slightly thinner than usual, as the employee explained, which would help her on those chords that are a bit too far for her fingers to reach just yet.
He pulled up a stool for her and patiently taught her two chords; E minor and A minor, explaining those were easy enough.
After slowly and meticulously strumming through those two chords for what felt like an eternity, Sterling looked up, giving Anderson brief and anxious eye contact, and nodded.
“I like this one.”
Sterling walked out of the store with her new Yamaha APX600, in the color ‘Violin Sunburst’, carefully zipped into a soft carry case with a handful of picks and a strap tucked into the pocket at the front.
After their outing, Sterling immediately retreated back into her locked bedroom, only now the family could hear the faint strumming of guitar chords when they each followed the unspoken rule of checking up on Sterling at least hourly by passing her room.
Debbie and Anderson considered the guitar a bust. What they thought might lead to their daughter opening up had lead to her taking more time apart from everyone, using every moment that she was at home to lock herself away and strum back and forth between a small variety of chords.
However, as the weeks passed, from what the family could hear as they passed a closed door, Sterling actually started to pick up the skill fairly quickly, her list of chords growing along with the volume at which she played them. They began to hear her not only strum but pluck at the strings too, and her voice could occasionally be heard ever so quietly humming along.
This development ignited a small but clear sense of pride in Sterling and her new tiny boost in self esteem soon showed itself openly to Blair.
After a long day of boring classes and sitting in silence together on their breaks, Sterling sat fidgeting with her fingers as Blair drove them home. This wasn’t an unnatural gesture; Sterling has been in a constant state of motion since the incident, always bouncing a knee up and down, picking at a nail, or chewing a lip.
Their family therapist had been very clear when telling them all to allow Sterling this stimulation, explaining it was a form of self-soothing in times of stress.
So this was the regular for Sterling, today her focus was just on her finger tips.
Blair wanted to make some joke about fingering but the two had barely spoken since discovering their actual relationship, so now didn’t seem to be the right time.
Oh god. When would be the right time? Would the time ever be right again?
Just as Blair’s mind began to spiral, thinking she may never have the whacky and loud partner in crime she had known her entire life back, Sterling gently reached her elbow across the centre console to nudge Blair’s arm.
Blair pulled into their driveway and looked down at where she had felt the sensation of touch against her arm.
She breathed.
Sterling hadn’t touched her, or anyone really, since she let go of Blair’s hand the night they got home, after everything had gone wrong.
Blair glanced over. “Everything okay?” She asked, voice giving away none of the panic currently rushing through her head or emotions zipping past her heart.
“My fingertips are getting tougher. Look,” Sterling spoke softly, reaching her left hand over to Blair who took the keys from the ignition before examining the hand in front of her. “It doesn’t hurt after I hold down the strings for a while anymore. Feel them,” Sterling added, nodding her head towards her hand.
Blair sucked in a quiet breath. She looked from Sterling’s hand to her eyes, not at all convinced she had heard that right. Sterling just nodded again and shook her hand in the air a little.
The act of taking her favorite person in the world’s hand just to gently touch the callused tips of her fingers caused a much more visceral reaction than it should have but Blair managed to swallow down the burning sensation in her throat, breathing in through her nose deeply to soothe the lump before saying a simple, “that’s really cool, Sterl.”
Sterling nodded before taking her bags and exiting the car.
The two have barely spoken let alone has Sterling let anyone touch her in weeks.
So yes, Blair did stay behind in the car for several minutes, and no, she doesn’t feel bad for spilling a few tears over some callused fingers.
Much like her ex-boyfriend, Sterling becomes infatuated with music, which is when the Wesley family start to resent the shared characteristics between Luke and Sterling.
Sterling begins listening to her old music again, and though the repertoire of songs on repeat does slowly expand, they’re not exactly everyone’s taste, especially when the same three have cycled for hours at a time. When she’s not strumming her own, Sterling plays her music loud enough to be heard throughout the rest of the house, which doesn’t exactly make work or study easy for the rest of the family either.
She also more often than not asks for the aux chord whenever she shares a car with anyone. They’ve all heard her favorite songs what feels like hundreds of times and it admittedly does drive them each a little crazy in their own way, but who are they to say no to Sterling, when the simple question of ‘can I play my music?’ is the most confidently she’s spoken to any of them in what is now verging on months?
And when the music pumps just a touch too loud for the rest of the passengers, Sterling closes her eyes and seems to finally relax, and they each know letting her be is the best thing for all of them now.
Again, to be fair, Sterling taking to music has had it’s bonuses; sometimes she’s so focused on getting to her guitar after school (because at least she doesn’t take it to school like Luke, thank God) that she forgets to close her bedroom door behind her and the family takes turns casually walking past to get a peak of their fourth member, who has otherwise gone into isolation, slowly strumming between chords and humming to herself.
The real benefits reveal themselves though when, on a Sunday afternoon, Blair is interrupted from her studying (because that’s something she actually does on a weekend now (because even studying is better than crying on her bed about a sister that’s slowly becoming more of a memory than a reality)) by a gentle knock on her bedroom door.
“I’m not hungry,” she calls out and continues scribbling away.
The door cracks open.
“Can I show you a song?” Sterling’s head peaks into her room and Blair’s head snaps up at the sound of her voice.
“What?”
“I’ve been learning a song. Do you want to hear it?”
Blair just stares at her for a long beat, willing her eyes not to well up.
“I can come back, if you’re busy-“
“No, no! I’m not busy,” Blair is quick to interrupt. “I could use a break.”
She then follows her sister out of one bedroom and into another, taking a seat on the end of Sterling’s bed. Sterling sits cross-legged on the floor a few feet away, a notebook with chords and charts scribbled all over it next to a printed sheet of lyrics laying on the ground in front of her.
She plays ‘champagne problems’.
Sterling’s voice is quiet. She plays the song slowly and stares at her left hand pressing against the strings the entire time. Her fingernails buzz against the strings occasionally and she loses her timing on her plucking hand once or twice, but Blair will be damned if it’s not the most emotionally compelling performance of a song she’s ever been witness to.
She doesn’t have the strength to hide these tears from her sister, so when Sterling finishes and lays her guitar down beside her, looking up shyly at Blair, Blair immediately falls to her knees beside Sterling and wraps her up in a hug, tucking her chin over her shoulder.
Sterling let’s out a small gasp, tensing for a moment at the barrage of touch, but she soon smells the familiar scent of Blair’s hair and relaxes, shoulders deflating. She then brings her own shaky arms up to hug Blair back.
They stay like that for a long time, Blair’s torso shaking with her quiet sobs. Eventually, Blair manages to weakly blubber, “that was really good, Sterl. You should perform it in the talent contest.”
She means it more as a throw away compliment to boost Sterling’s confidence but her cousin (calling her that, even in her head, makes Blair feel sick to her stomach, so she promptly decides to never do it again) quickly grabs her shoulders and leans back to look at her.
“Do you really think I could do that?” Sterling asks, maintaining surprisingly strong eye contact.
Blair pulls her sleeves over her hands and wipes her eyes with them, nodding. “Of course you could. I think it would be good for you. I bet you’d win too.”
Sterling slowly retracts her hands, expression telling Blair she’s gone into one of those deep thought trances she’s started experiencing recently. Well, maybe not so recently. Blair hasn’t exactly spent this much engaged time with her since the incident, so it really could have been happening since then.
So, Blair just sits on her knees for a minute, waiting for Sterling to come to.
She knows she has when Sterling seems to realize that Blair is still sitting with her, eyebrows raising in surprise for a split second.
“Thank you for showing me that, Sterl. It was really good,” Blair says softly, her voice still unsteady. She reaches forward and squeezes Sterling’s hand before standing up and using every ounce of strength in her body to walk out.
Sterling zoning out is a telltale sign that she’s becoming overwhelmed, either with emotion or just thoughts.
Blair knows that Sterling’s socialization tank is a lot smaller these days and therefore fills up a lot quicker. She knows if she wants this to happen again, she can’t push for more now.
So she leaves her sister alone.
Just before Blair closes her own bedroom door (most definitely to give in to the option of crying on her bed over her sister), Blair hears Sterling, who’s door she deliberately left open behind her, begin to play again. She sighs and moves to sit in the hallway, cross-legged on the hardwood floor, back against the wall, and listens for as long as she can get away with.
Debbie and Anderson both join her, all acting as if the others aren’t there.
They each shed a tear or two.
The next time Sterling confidently speaks to Blair, she’s overwhelming also holding her hand, pulling them across a Willingham hallway to point at a talent contest poster.
“Look,” she says, releasing Blair’s hand to begin fidgeting with her finger nails as she reads the flyer.
Blair reads over her shoulder, remarking, “two weeks. That’s more than enough time for you to master that song.”
“Oh no,” Sterling says, shaking her head. “I don’t think I’ll sing champagne problems. Taylor says fuck in it and it’s about alcohol. I don’t think Ellen would really appreciate that... or any of the staff, really.”
“That’s fair,” Blair nods. “So, what will you sing?”
Sterling chews her lip for a while.
“I think I have a good idea. I just hope it has easy chords,” she finally says.
Blair nods. “I bet you’ll be able to do them, even if they’re hard.”
Sterling looks at Blair in some form of disbelief and Blair wonders when her sister got the idea that she wouldn’t always believe in her.
She doesn’t get time to dwell on it though, because then the bell is ringing and they’re on the move, Blair walking Sterling to her class before going to her own, like has become the norm now.
Those two weeks pass by in a rush and, with lacrosse also coming into full swing, Blair doesn’t get much time at home to listen to her sister strumming her guitar through the wall. The most she catches is glimpses of Sterling actually doing vocal exercises, which is apparently something she has added to her morning routine before the two brush their teeth together in silence.
The talent contest takes place after school on a Thursday, and Debbie and Anderson are the first parents through the door. Blair has to convince them not to sit in the front row, saying if they actually want Sterling to sing they better not let her even know they’re there.
They compromise and sit between the middle and front of the auditorium.
Blair does sit in the front row and Sterling approaches her while everything is still being set up.
“I feel sick,” she says quickly as she plops down onto the seat next to Blair, looking defeated.
“Hey,” Blair soothes, tentatively taking her sister’s hand. Sterling doesn’t resist, so she gives it a gentle squeeze. The action causes a lightbulb to light up in Blair’s head. “Hey,” she repeats, more excitement in her tone now. She lifts Sterling’s hand and shows her her own finger tips. “Look at that,” she says and presses on Sterling’s finger tips individually. “Feel them.”
Sterling does, poking them awkwardly with her free hand. “They’re tough,” she remarks absentmindedly.
“Yeah, they are,” Blair nods eagerly, a smile growing on her face. “That’s how much work you’ve put into this. You’re so strong in here,” she pokes her sister’s chest, “it’s starting to show out here,” she shakes her hand. Sterling rolls her eyes at the cheesy nature of Blair’s words but a smile is already growing on her own face. “You’re tough, Sterling. You’ve got this. You could have performed champagne whatever-it’s-called-“
“Champagne problems.”
“Yeah. You could’ve done that exactly as you showed it to me weeks ago and you would bring the house down. Whatever you’ve got up your sleeve now, with all the amazing practice you’ve done, is going to be incredible. I know it. And that’s not to say you have to win or anything, who even cares about that? I just want you to go up there and share your awesomeness with everyone. Even just a little bit.”
Sterling looks at Blair and her expression quickly shifts from a soft smile to concern. Blair frowns but then feels the tears on her cheeks.
“Sorry,” she chokes out a little laugh. “I guess I’m just a bit excited.”
Sterling relaxes a little but keeps her gaze on her sister, examining her face for a long moment before squeezing her hand.
“I’m sorry,” she starts, her gaze drifting away, “that I haven’t shared much with you. I want to, it’s just... hard to share with anyone right now. I guess that’s why, you’re right, it’s good for me to do this.” She purses her lips, frowning in thought. Her gaze returns to Blair. “I love you. Like, so much. And I’m sorry if the way I’ve been acting has made you feel like I don’t.”
Well, there goes any control Blair had on those tears. She shakes her head. “No, Sterling.” She sniffles. “You have every right to do whatever you need. It just... yeah, it’s hard.”
They both nod and wrap each other up in a hug. Blair definitely sees their parents a few rows back watching them and tearing up themselves.
She’s just starting to sit in the realization of how far Sterling has come with physical contact over the last few weeks; how slowly but surely she has begun to open back up to Blair when-
Ellen taps lightly on Sterling’s shoulder, causing her to flinch away from the both of them. “Sorry to interrupt this gorgeous display of sisterly love, y’all, but we’re about to start, Sterling. You better get yourself ready.”
Sterling sniffles and nods. When Ellen’s gone, she turns back to Blair, a wet but mischievous smile spreading across her face. Blair gives an amused frown. “What?”
“I’m gonna make so many people cry with this,” she laughs. Blair joins her and they laugh together for the first time in forever until Ezekiel, who is apparently acting as the MC of the event, takes Sterling away with an annoyed tone.
The talent at Willingham... exists? Maybe? Blair certainly isn’t impressed with Franklin’s juggling or Lorna’s sword swallowing (though, she does see Franklin drop his balls in the wings at the sight of Lorna’s magically disappearing gag reflex and it makes Blair want to vomit).
Luke plays a godawful original song that has extremely thinly veiled references to his and Sterling’s relationship. Blair has to physically hold in a laugh when she sees her sister cover her beet red face in embarrassment.
April sings a sweet hymn that Hannah B. awkwardly strums her own guitar along to, and Blair can only imagine how palpable the backstage tension between the three singers, Sterling, Luke, and April, would have been. The thought alone makes her cringe.
The hymn seems to be the biggest crowd pleaser so far though, which makes sense.
Blair’s brain feels like it’s turned to mush by the time Ezekiel introduces Sterling, though she quickly sits up straight, coming to full attention when she sees her sister awkwardly walk onto the stage, guitar strapped to her chest.
Sterling sits on the stool set up for her and adjusts her microphone stand. Some awful part of Blair’s brain expects her sister to seize up, to freak out and run off stage, to even go into one of her thought-trances, but when Sterling looks at the audience, her expression goes soft. She seems to have hit a moment of clarity before she clears her throat softly and says, “this is All Too Well by Taylor Swift.”
And then she starts.
Her tempo is even and her voice is stronger than the last time she sang for Blair. Her now clipped short nails don’t buzz against the strings anymore, making her tone overall seem much more advanced already.
Sterling takes a beat after the first section of the first verse, and Blair sees both April and Luke simultaneously suck in a silent gasp out of the corner of her eye. She chuckles quietly to herself, but Blair gasps too when she hears Sterling sing the lyrics, “and I might be okay but I’m not fine at all.”
As she goes on, Blair quickly sees that Sterling clearly picked the song for it’s lyrics, the images of a young April wearing glasses and Luke playing tee-ball crossing her mind, prompted by her sister’s singing.
How Taylor Swift managed to write a break up song that was seemingly catered for Sterling’s experience in this exact moment boggles Blair’s mind as she’s reminded of her and Sterling laughing and dancing in the kitchen mere months earlier.
Sterling really goes for it with the strumming as she leads herself into the bridge of the song and her vocals are the most raw Blair has ever heard from her.
“Maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much. But maybe this thing was a masterpiece, until you tore it all up. Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well,” seems to knock the wind out of April as Blair watches her fully begin to cry, attempting to hide her face as much as she can. Luke is crying too now, and he wraps his arm around April’s shoulders, which seems to annoy her enough to calm down some of those tears.
Blair’s intrigued gaze is pulled from staring at April and Luke when Sterling continues on, her vocal range proving to be actually quite expansive as she belts out the rest of the bridge. Blair’s jaw hangs open as she stares at her sister, effectively blown away by this seemingly hidden talent.
Yes, she cries too when Sterling sings, “I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still tryna find it.”
Blair can’t help but also laugh a little though when Sterling sings, “cause there we are again and I loved you so, back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known,” and April full-on shoves Luke’s arm off of her in a huff.
After Sterling sings her last “all too well”, the crowd roars in applause, lead strongly by Blair who has shot to her feet, jumping up and down, clapping, and cheering. Debbie and Anderson’s loud whistles can easily be heard too and Luke cups his hands around his mouth as he cheers.
Blair notes that April has up and left the room by the time Ezekiel takes the stage again.
The voting board is the senior staff, so it comes as no surprise to Blair as she sits, holding Sterling’s hand, that April and Hannah B. are announced as the winners.
Hannah B. accepts the award alone, leading Sterling to show that puppy-dog-like frown of concern as she whips her head around, completely unsubtly searching for April. Blair smiles softly at it and nudges her sister. “You totally made her cry. Did you see?”
Sterling looks at Blair and chuckles out of shock before shaking her head. “I couldn’t see anyone. The lights were too bright.”
“Is that why you smiled before you started? Oh my god, I thought God had spoken to you or some shit.” The two laugh a little too loudly for the current awarding of a gift card to Hannah B. but soon enough the evening is over and they can laugh freely in their seats while families file out, the sound of rain coming in through the now open doors.
“Hey,” Blair starts tentatively as her and Sterling sit on the front step of the school, waiting under cover for their parents to retrieve the car. Sterling looks up from a loose thread on her guitar case she’s fiddling with. “You were pretty specific about that song, weren’t you?”
Sterling purses her lips in thought before slowly nodding. “Music has been a good way for me to process how I’m feeling... I thought it might be a good way to let other people know too.”
Blair nods. “Well, just so you know, you can always, always, always talk to me. Or sing to me. Or anything! You can share anything with me. I’m fine with you not being fine. You don’t even have to be feeling okay to talk to me.”
Sterling’s tearing up now, all of the emotions she managed to keep under wraps when performing swiftly bubbling to the surface. “Thank you,” she manages to choke out before hugging Blair.
Blair’s still taken aback by the physical contact from her sister but quickly wraps her own arms around her too.
“Maybe I’ll learn Taylor Swift’s Change to play to you next,” Sterling mumbles into her hair and Blair just nods as if she knows what that means. She doesn’t even get time to search her memory for the song when the door behind them loudly slamming shut pulls her and Sterling from their moment and they both turn to see a red faced April. She huffs at the mere sight of the twins before she turns and storms back inside.
Blair chuckles. “Do you think she brought this weather with her?”
Sterling slaps her on the arm but she laughs a little too. “It’s not her fault, she’s got some stuff going on too.”
Blair smirks and bumps her shoulder into Sterlings. “Oh does she? Well, based on those pretty specific lyrics, I have gathered that you’re still pretty hung up her.” Blair never did figure out what went down between the two but the sight of Sterling flushing only eggs her on. “I bet she would love to blow off some steam,” she says, pumping her eyebrows up and down.
Sterling looks uncomfortable which Blair immediately takes to heart, quickly backtracking. “I’m just messing around, Sterl. I know touch isn’t exactly your favourite thing at the moment. I’m sorry, it was a dumb joke...”
Sterling chews her lip for a while. She thinks back to the performance; looking out at the audience and realizing that it really didn’t matter. She was already up there so she may as well give it her best shot and enjoy the ride.
“Maybe fucking an angry April Stevens could be a fun outlet.”
Blair chokes on the mere sound of her sister cursing so openly but quickly regains her composure.
“Only one way to find out,” she manages, adding, “I could totally cover for you.”
Sterling shrugs. “Why not?” she laughs to herself, throwing her hands up. “You really are my lifelong partner in crime, aren’t you?”
Blair has to hold her breath for a second to stop herself from crying again.
Man, this back and forth of emotions is going to give her whiplash.
With her lips pursed, she nods. “Now go do some crime. What does Taylor Swift say? No body, no crime? Go get that body.”
Sterling laughs. “You make it sound like I’m going to murder her.”
“Yeah, no. I did not want it to come out like that. I meant like, body count, like sex-with or something but it just did not come out that way.”
Sterling laughs more, throwing her head back as she holds onto Blair’s shoulder. Blair starts laughing too and she reaches up to hold her sister’s hand against her.
They both calm down when their parents car approaches.
“You better go,” Blair insists. “I’ll handle these two but I expect all the details in return for my services.”
Sterling chuckles, standing up. “If there’s any to give, I promise, they’re yours.”
Blair gives a small smile and nods. “You were really great, by the way,” she says, reaching up to squeeze Sterling’s hand. “You totally should’ve won. I think you should tell April as much,” she winks, a smirk growing on her face.
Sterling laughs and quickly squats down to hug her sister one more time before she hears their parents car horn and quickly slips back inside the school building.
When Blair buckles herself in, her sister’s guitar case laying across her lap, Debbie spins around to look at her. “Where’s Sterling?”
“Oh, she didn’t tell you? They’re having a little celebration for all the people that performed. I think Ellen got some pizzas or something. Don’t worry, I’ll come back and pick her up.”
Debbie nods slowly before sitting back in her seat properly. “So, you and Sterling hugged?” She asks, a tentative tone in her voice.
Blair clears her throat before she speaks. “Uh, yeah. We, um, we’re talking a little bit more now, I guess...” She attempts to keep a casual tone but both Debbie and Anderson see right through it. They don’t mention it.
“That’s nice,” Anderson chimes in.
Blair chews on her lip for a moment, finger tips brushing up and down on the canvas case before her. “Yeah... I think... I think she just needs some time to figure it all out for herself before she can talk to us about it all and... that’s okay.”
She’s speaking to herself more than anyone else but all three Wesleys nod, each holding back their own telltale signs of tears.
Blair is sitting at the kitchen counter later when she slips her airpods into her ears and turns the volume on her phone up a few clicks.
She listens to Taylor’s ‘Change’ and absolutely cries from the first chorus to the final strum of the guitar.
Sterling is going to be okay.
Things will change.
Blair and Sterling are sisters and their time to finally win is coming.
Hallelujah.