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"I moved in with him," Blaine announces to his therapist after he sits down. "My new boyfriend David."
"How long have you been dating him again?"
"Not long. A few months."
"I see. Isn't that a little fast, Blaine?"
He fidgets in his seat. "Well, I can't stand still and stay stuck in the past. I need to move forward. Isn't that what our last session was about?"
His therapist sends him a look that's probably more judgmental than it should be, given her role in his life. "Do you remember what I said about controlling your impulses?"
"Yes. I'm trying to handle that."
"I don't think you are, Blaine," she challenges. "The last words you said before you left here were, 'I still love Kurt.' Your first impulse was to bury that and move in with another man?"
"He likes me. I'm happy." He shrugs, thinking of how his whole body lit up at the sound of Kurt's voice in the music store.
"Still, moving in with someone, sharing your life with them. It's a big step."
"You don't think I know that? I was engaged," he snaps, scooting forward in the chair, but then he swallows and sits back. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize for your feelings, Blaine. Don't try to erase your feelings for Kurt either. He's a part of your past. You committed yourself to him. You won't just magically get over him because you think you should."
He remembers the rush of nostalgia flooding him at the coffee shop, staring at the table he used to share with Kurt every day after school when they went to Dalton together. The love and caffeine racing through his veins in those early days were all he needed.
"I know that." Blaine sighs, slumping in his chair. "I thought going back to Ohio was my fresh start. Now that he's here again, it's like I see him everywhere I look, even when he's not there. The Lima Bean, the music store, Dalton. I can't breathe without picturing all the memories we built at those places."
"It's only natural to want to hold on to the good parts of your relationship with him, even if you feel hurt by them now. But you're making new memories with other people, right?"
"Yes."
"That's why you moved in with David?"
Blaine nods.
"Whose idea was it, Blaine?"
Blaine looks away, lacing his fingers in his lap. "His."
"And you went with it."
"Yes."
"Do you see the danger in that?"
Blaine shakes his head.
"You're letting him lead you, like you did with Kurt. Did you do it for him or for you?"
Blaine gazes at her in contemplation. "Honestly, I did it to forget Kurt. I--I saw him again at the music store."
"Kurt, you mean?"
"Mhmm. That's when all the memories started up. I ran into him accidentally and when he looked at me, it was like no one else in the room existed, not even Dave."
"David was there with you?"
"Yes."
"How did he react?"
"He didn't notice." Blaine frowns, throwing a hand in the air and letting it flop back down. "He just kept right on talking like Kurt was an old friend and there was nothing weird about it, like the love of my life wasn't slipping away from me. I almost felt I was cheating all over again."
"You mean when you cheated on Kurt and he broke up with you?"
"Yeah but then I knew it was wrong. This didn't feel wrong at all, except for when I left with Dave."
"But you're still living with Dave?"
"Yeah. I don't want to go back home and admit I made yet another mistake."
"Do you think being with Kurt was a mistake?"
"My parents would think us living together and getting engaged was a mistake, and maybe it was in some ways, but I think not even being with him at all anymore is a mistake."
Blaine's mouth forms an 'o' shape, shock flowing through him.
He distantly registers his therapist asking, "You want him back?"
"I--I think so. Wow. I--I do. I love him and I don't want to stop, ever. I don't want to be over him."
"Then you need to learn how to talk to him. Have an honest conversation without attacking him. That would be the first step in all this. It's the only way you can heal."
"Why should I talk to him? I tried talking to him for months and I got nothing," Blaine sneers, leftover anger resurfacing when he thinks of New York and Kurt's coldness as he slowly turned away from their relationship.
"Yes, but when he first came back, he wanted to see you and you bombarded him with your brand new relationship. Then you did it again, however unknowingly, at the music store. Maybe you should extend some kind of olive branch. I'm not saying you have to fully accept how he treated you. Or that the first conversation has to even be about your relationship. You're a new person now. He is, too. You should get to know him again. If being with him is what you really want, icing him out the way he seems to have done with you is not the right method."
"I realize that, but I can't do all the work again. This thing with David, it's light and easy. I don't have to work at it."
"But it's only just begun. Real, mature relationships take work, from both parties. Do you think Kurt is capable of that?"
"I don't know. I want him to be."
"You two were friends first, yes?"
Blaine nods.
"Then start there and see where things go. Maybe your love for him doesn't need to romantic. Maybe it just needs to be present somehow."
"Huh. I haven't thought of it like that." His mind drifts back to when he took Kurt's hand at Dalton the day they met, Kurt's wide blue eyes the first time he serenaded him, and Kurt's crinkly smile after their first Christmas duet.
Blaine felt the urge to kiss that smile off his face, but he didn't want to take advantage of their friendship.
So he tried to love other people the way he loved Kurt, projecting his feelings onto some college guy whose name he can't even recall, and then onto Rachel of all people.
Neither of those endeavors worked however.
His heart and his body needed to love Kurt.
Maybe they still do.
"I know I'll want more though," Blaine adds.
His therapist laughs. "We've established that. You need to be patient. You need to open the communication lines first before anything else. And you should break up with David, maybe stay single for a bit while you figure all this out."
He takes a deep breath, wondering how he'll survive without the safety net of having someone to hold him at night while he tries to reach Kurt again.
His breathing gets shallow, his chest tightening when he imagines his cold, empty childhood bed, much the same as when Kurt left him three years ago.
"That--That might be best," he reasons, not even recognizing his shaky voice.
"Blaine, close your eyes."
He listens.
"Breathe in and count to ten, as slow as you can."
He does, already feeling slightly better.
"Now, breathe out," she advises.
They repeat the process a few times until Blaine feels almost normal again.
"You can do this," she assures him. "You have to do what's best for you. David's feelings are not your responsibility. Kurt's feelings aren't your responsibility. Your parents' feelings aren't your responsibility. You can only shoulder your own emotions. Don't burden yourself, Blaine. I will be here for support, but you are stronger than you think. You can be single. It'll be okay."
Blaine finally opens his eyes, looking at her through watery vision. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. You're capable of so much. You've come so far since we first spoke."
"Then why do I feel like I'm falling backwards? I might be on my way back to a person who completely wrecked me."
"Maybe so, but you have more tools at your disposal. You're not flying blindly this time."
"You're right, I guess." He smiles.
"So what have you learned today, Blaine?"
"That I shouldn't use other people just because I'm lonely and I can't have what I really want." He blinks back at the epiphany that maybe he should have had a long time ago; it would saved him so much heartache.
"That's good, Blaine. Let me know what happens. Good luck."
"Thanks again."
He considers her words, fear gripping him as he imagines acting on any of it.
Breaking up with Dave, starting over with Kurt, being on his own.
Like all those months ago when his engagement ended, he doesn't know what to do next.
He only knows that even if he shouldn't, he's going to follow his heart.
Maybe he'll remember to at least include his head in on the decision.
Before he realizes it, he's headed in a familiar direction.
He's headed home.