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He drives past Kurt's street, hands gripping the wheel tightly.
He's not ready; he can't go there, no matter how much his head and his heart are urging him to do so.
Kurt shut him out and snapped at him, hastily calling off the engagement instead of talking to him rationally.
Why should Blaine reach out to him now, because he returned to Ohio just to win him back?
He doesn't need Kurt anymore.
He doesn't care if Kurt needs him.
Except Kurt weighs on his mind even as he drives back to the apartment that he shares with another man.
When Blaine gets home, his current boyfriend asks him how his day has been.
Blaine has just come from therapy, where he realized he still loved Kurt and maybe would never love Dave in the same way.
"Fine." Blaine shrugs. "It was fine."
He settles in for the rest of the night, avoiding any serious conversation.
He should leave Dave; he should at least talk to Kurt.
Courage, he remembers he used to text Kurt when they met.
He takes a deep breath wondering why he doesn't have any now.
----
Blaine doesn't even have any courage when they end up alone in the auditorium where they shared so many memories.
Instead, he makes some comment about Sue sabotaging his current relationship with a crazy underhanded scheme and then he tries to gauge Kurt's reaction.
His ex is surprisingly mature about the situation and even tells him he's going on a date, which is good.
It'll be good for Kurt, he thinks, even if Blaine feels like a piece of his heart is splintering off and stabbing him in the lungs so hard that he can't breathe.
Suddenly he's staring behind Kurt at the stage, the same place where he took Kurt's hand and held to his heart, assuring him that it beat only for him and that no other man would ever hold a candle to him. Sure, maybe Blaine was young and naïve then, but he was smart enough to admit his mistake, and it had lead to one of the most beautiful life-changing events of his existence.
After that, colors screamed vibrantly even in the halls of a school where they could only quietly share their love; he had never felt more exposed and terrified, but he knew being with Kurt was the right decision.
Nothing else had ever felt more right, except of course, the day they returned to their safe haven and promised to commit themselves to each other fearlessly and forever.
It turned out that forever was a fairytale that they couldn't sustain, however, as their real and imagined fears ripped them apart, and Kurt created a barrier that Blaine could no longer break down.
It wasn't Blaine's responsibility to breach that barrier anymore, not when Kurt couldn't even meet him halfway.
He's done giving himself to Kurt without getting anything in return, especially not now they're show choir enemies once more.
Then he soon finds he may not have a choice in the matter.
----
Due to Sue's sudden interest in his love life, Blaine finds himself locked in a fake elevator with Kurt.
Blaine resists the urge to laugh at how this situation is literally and figuratively leading nowhere; he's not going to be with Kurt because someone else thinks he should.
This may have been his dream months ago, but now he's rebuilt himself around his team, a group of young men who need his guidance and are probably wondering where he is.
Still, he can't help looking over at Kurt, with the signature swept back hair that highlights his strong cheekbones and jaw, and the tailored jeans that hug his thighs perfectly.
He can appreciate Kurt's aesthetic objectively, right?
He sighs, remembering when he was able to do much more than that, before their relationship bent and broke, morphing into this unrecognizable thing that is front of them now.
Kurt was listening to something on his iPod while he baked cookies in the loft that was theirs now, quietly humming a song that Blaine couldn't place right away.
For a while, Blaine was content to read a magazine on the couch and just listen, but then the humming grew louder.
"Pretty, pretty please!" Kurt sang dramatically as he turned toward the stove and fiddled with the temperature dial. "Don't you ever, ever feel..
Blaine rose from his seat and squeezed Kurt's sides.
Kurt jumped. "Holy shit! You scared me!"
"Sorry, but I thought I was the one who promised to bake you cookies." Blaine chuckled and kissed Kurt's cheek in apology.
Kurt turned his head and smirked. "Only twice a year, and I'm definitely the better baker, so that was a hollow promise, Blaine."
"Oh, yeah? So you'll never let me live down that one time I experimented with my own version of Samoas and almost burnt the apartment down?"
Kurt grimaced and then turned away to pause his music. "There was smoke everywhere and I spent weeks scraping the coconut off the inside of the oven. It was a disaster."
"I promise I'll be more careful next time," Blaine whispered, breath hot against Kurt's ear after he plucked the earbud out of it.
"Or you can just leave the baking to me."
Blaine played with the hem of Kurt's shirt. "You know you love the chocolate cupcakes I make every Valentine's Day."
"With the dark chocolate raspberry ganache filling piped in the middle?" Kurt moaned.
"You enjoy those more than sex, don't you?" Blaine's hand glided underneath Kurt's shirt, caressing the bare skin of his stomach.
"Mmm, sometimes." Kurt laughed melodically.
Blaine gasped. "How dare you!"
"But honey, they're delicious."
Blaine reached for the oven and turned the temperature down.
"Wh-What are you doing?" Kurt asked.
Blaine spun Kurt around and explained, "Stopping you from burning those cookies and reminding you how amazing our sex life is. C'mon."
Blaine took both of Kurt's hands and dragged him toward their bedroom.
"If you insist." Kurt smiled, and then he stumbled onto the bed and on top of Blaine.
Now, Kurt sits far away from him, head lulled down as he nods off to sleep, making Blaine's heart twist painfully in his chest.
Blaine's fingers twitch with the urge to reach out and mess with Kurt's hair or cup his cheek, but he stops himself.
It's just out of habit, he thinks. He has someone else now. He's happy.
Yet the urge doesn't subside. As they pass the time laughing and playing games, it only serves to remind him of the easy rapport they've always had, even when they weren't romantically involved.
Kurt's just laying there, grinning and joking about their hypothetical future child, and Blaine can't help beaming with affection for this man.
But he can't go there again, not when it took so long to stitch himself back together after Kurt called off the engagement; he can't be the one who starts the heavy conversation that must be had if he wants to be close to Kurt once more.
It'll only dredge up old resentments and fears that Blaine isn't ready to face.
He doesn't think Kurt can face them either, especially when confronted with the reality that Blaine spends more time with another man these days and that maybe Kurt will never understand this new person that he's become in the wake of their breakup.
So he takes a deep breath and braces for the inevitable escape route.
"Why don't we just decide beforehand that this doesn't mean anything?" Blaine finally suggests.
He hopes Kurt doesn't read too much into the sadness lacing his tone.
Fortunately he doesn't, quickly agreeing to get the kiss over with. Part of Blaine is glad that this will bring them out of the hellacious bubble where he can stop reminiscing about the bittersweet leftovers of his past, but another part of him wants to cling tight to Kurt and never let go.
Ultimately, the latter wins out.
"This doesn't mean anything," Blaine repeats, reminding himself and Kurt.
He sees Kurt's flat affect, but he knows Kurt well enough to interpret the melancholy and resignation underlying in his agreement; being locked up here is hurting him just as much.
There's no avoiding that now.
But then Kurt is leaning in, all the heartache fading to a dull murmur when their lips meet, and Blaine realizes that he's been missing this taste ever since he left New York all those months ago.
He's probably going to miss it for the rest of his life, so he takes advantage of this opportunity, deepening the kiss for a few glorious moments where there's nothing and no one but the feeling of Kurt's mouth on his.
It's over all too quickly, though, as Kurt pulls away, dejection written on his face.
Blaine wants to scream at him then, "This is your fault. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the way you treated me, the way you treated us! I love you and you pushed me away. Why? What happened to us, Kurt?"
But then the elevator doors fly open and Blaine follows his impulse to run away as fast as his legs can carry him, back to the safety of an auditorium ironically filled with the hopes of hardworking young men not unlike himself once upon a time.
He'll stay loyal to them before anyone else, so he rejoins his team while Kurt does the same; it only reminds him of the year he first met Kurt, when they were on the same team and their Warblers lost to the New Directions.
Blaine didn't care about winning then because they had each other, but apparently that wasn't good enough for Kurt; he wasn't good enough for Kurt.
Instead, Kurt chose New York and a team that abandoned him when he needed them the most.
Still, Blaine didn't leave him then or ever, even when Kurt was constantly leaving him for better options.
Blaine never complained either, instead blindly and faithfully following Kurt to McKinley, then to New York, and then to a shared loft where they fell apart.
Blaine won't follow him again.
He won't let his heart drag him back when it's failed him repeatedly, no matter how much he misses the smell of Kurt's cologne or his arms holding him close.
He'll fight his feelings, even as he wakes up in a cold sweat at night, haunted by the taste of Kurt's mouth.
Maybe Blaine's body and heart will never respond to anyone else the way they have to Kurt.
Maybe Blaine will have to chase ghosts of that feeling forever, unless Kurt does something so outrageous that he'll have to give away the last vestiges of his heart.
He's not holding his breath on that though.
Instead, he's going back to sleep, hoping his dreams of Kurt disappear.
Until then, he'll have to stay away from his ex and convince himself and everyone else that it's over.
So he tells a half-truth to Sue and to Kurt that he realized he's better off as Kurt's friend, even if his heart still craves more.
His head is telling him no, and for once, he's going to listen.