Something Cracked. Crack. Cracking. 

Jisung is free falling 

Blurring colors and blinding lights rush by in a psychedelic kaleidoscope fever dream of flight.

He wonders if he finally did it. 

if everything had become too much. 

if he had gone up to the top of a high building and walked right off the edge. 

He wonders if he’s still falling.

Suspended between breaths, held captive between his decision and the ground.

Perhaps he had already fallen and this was his punishment. 

Some distant push of emotion causes a tear to fall like silver rain down his cheek

He becomes aware that he can’t even see the ground.

Maybe, he thinks idly, he’s just asleep, curled up on their dorm couch, and all of this is just some sleep deprived night terror. 

The lights shift and bounce.

A thought occurs in his mind so blatant and blinding it causes Jisung to slam his eyes shut.

The whirlwind turns nauseating. 

‘I don’t want to die…’ 

‘I want to fix this.’

‘Please! I want a second chance!’

That cracked things finally Shatters. Shatter. Shattered. 

And Jisung is free falling again. 

30 July 2016

Life as a trainee is rigorous. It’s even more so when you have a crazy dream working from the ground up. Jisung knew this fact probably better than anyone else in the company building… Maybe besides Chan. 

He didn’t really notice everything getting to him. It all just seemed to collapse in on him one stuffy July evening in the studio. His grip tightens around his pen and his gaze lingers on the blank white wall of his and Chan’s studio until phantom shapes and colors fill his vision. Jisung feels warm and empty. A strange combination swirling uncomfortably behind his eyes. 

He rips his gaze to look up at his Hyung. Chan has his back turned to him, his head dipped low in concentration. Jisung feels something build up inside his chest, an unstoppable force. It overtakes him before he even has a chance to examine the emotion. Is it angry? Driven by empty. Maybe a bit more than sad.
Jisung sets down his notebook with a bit more force than necessary. 

“Hyung?” 

Chan doesn’t turn, but he lifts his head slightly, “Hmm?”

Jisung falters. The unstoppable force quells. He’s probably bothering Chan. They had really only known each other a handful of months. “uh-I-”

He lets out a frustrated sigh, but it’s charged by something else. Empty. Lonely. He isn’t even sure at this point. He rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands. The world goes dark and gives way to stars and streaks from the pressure. When he looks up again Chan is turned around to face him. His hair and clothes are rumpled, most likely slept in, and his eyes are creased with worry. Chan’s full attention is on him. That makes Jisung’s stomach turn. 

“What’s up, Ji?” 

Jisung doesn’t even know where to start with that question…. What was up? What was wrong with him? How could he even put everything into words…. words that wouldn’t get him committed no less. 

“Is there something wrong?” Chan had rolled his chair closer to where Jisung was sitting on the couch. 

He doesn’t know what to say, but nevertheless, he opens his mouth and starts talking. 

“Hyung…” He shuffles further forward… closer to the edge, “If you knew something was going to happen…. Like- something bad- ” He runs a hand haphazardly through his hair. What was he even trying to say? 

He tried again, “If you knew that someone was hurting- er- or going to get hurt- ah…” He looks down, anywhere but Chan. Chan’s gaze doesn’t leave Jisung. Searching for… something. 

“Would you...mm” A strangled noise creeps out his throat, “What would you do?...” He gives up. Head down, shoulders slumped. Defeated by the disconnect of his own mind and mouth. He can’t look Chan in the eye, that would make it real. 

The silence permeates for a second, it makes Jisung want to cry. And then he hears the rustling of clothes and a chair and Chan is there, crouched down right in front of him. 

“Ji?” He’s searching for his eyes, “Hannie.” Chan grips his upper arms, not tight, but just enough to be grounding. Jisung shivers in the July heat. 

“What's this all about hmm?” Chan starts to rub his arms. Up and down. A comforting presence. Pulling him down, down, deeper into reality. When had he gotten so far away?

“Nothing hyung…” He’s quiet, barely above a whisper, “Just forget it…” 

Chan’s face is calm, albeit etched with concern. His touch doesn’t leave. “Jisung, you know you can always talk to me…” 

Jisung nods, throwing a fake half smile on his face. It’s bittersweet. Maybe one day he’ll be able to fully articulate the storm in his head to Chan, but today, he just couldn’t.

“I know Hyung.” Jisung sniffs, looking down, feeling awkward. Chan’s worried eyes never fall from his face, but he does drop his hands, nodding begrudgingly. 

Despite the stuffy air and the waving July heat, Jisung feels cold. Almost frozen over from the lack of touch. 

“I-uh- Think I’m going to call it a day..” Jisung stands hurriedly. Perhaps he is a coward. Never quite able to face the problems that he causes.

 “I’ll see you tomorrow Hyung.”

And just like that Chan is left alone. Confused and lost in the stale air of the studio. His mind is spinning. What on earth had that been about? Jisung’s words bounced around his mind. Someone was going to get hurt? Has someone already been hurt? Is Jisung hurt...or hurting? 

Chan shook his head. That line of thinking wouldn’t get him anywhere. He wasn’t sure what to do with-well- any of this information. Of course Chan cared about Jisung, he has become one of his closest friends in the past few months since they met. He was endeared to him. Jisung was his first choice in this group he was trying so hard to build. 

Chan sighed and turned back to his computer, maybe Jisung would talk to him about whatever was bothering him tomorrow. 

He didn’t. 

Chan had forgotten about that day, the stale July heat, chased by sweat and water. It’s funny how time works like that. Always running from you when you want it the most. Chan has always been chasing. Chasing their debut and their success. 

That night as trainees had run from him. Far, far away. Until one night not so dissimilar to that night just a short two years ago, and yet it felt like a lifetime. 

Chan finds himself in front of his computer, just as he always does after their long days of schedules and dance practice. His two members, teammates, brothers, around him as they work together on their new music. They’re all three exhausted. Their new choreography and hectic schedules have been running all of them, the whole group, ragged. But the members of 3racha especially. They are beyond tired at this point, but they are close. So unbelievably close. All they needed to do was finish recording the guides for their upcoming album and then they could finally, finally move on to recording and post-production. 

That was the light at the end of the tunnel. That breath of fresh air. That’s what Chan was chasing at the moment. The digital clock on his computer blinked the time of 2:47am. Chan blinks heavy eyes back in the clock's direction. He’s almost there. They’re all almost there. He can sense the other two are on their last legs. He is too, but they are so unbearably close. 

Chan looks up as Changbin finishes rapping the line they were recording at the moment, “Good.” Flashing a quick thumbs up, he speaks into the microphone so that Changbin can hear, “Let’s take a few.” The other boy deflates, sitting down on the bench in the cramped recording room. 

Chan sighs too, swiveling around in the chair that had been his home for the last few hours. His eyes find Jisung. The younger boy had been quieter than usual tonight. Chan had just attributed it to being tired, but now, as his eyes rake over jisung’s huddled figure, he rethinks. 

Jisung has his head in his hands, eyes open but glazed over. Most likely not seeing anything. Chan knits his eyebrows together in concern. 

“Hannie?” The younger doesn’t even blink.

Chan’s mind races. Maybe it’s the exhaustion talking, causing him to be paranoid, but he fears the worst. He reaches forward, snapping in front of his dongsaengs face. 

Jisung jumps out of whatever trance he had been in, “Ah sorry Hyung…” He throws on a fake face. Chan takes note, “Were you talking to me?” 

Chan looks into his eyes, searching for an answer that Jisung would never provide verbally. 

“I was just wondering what you’re thinking about…?” Chan’s hand hovers uselessly, wanting to reach out, but hesitant. 

Jisung blinked owlishly, waving his hand in a dismissive manner, “oh- you know...just lyrics… the song-” 

Chan opens his mouth to push, but is cut off by Changbin opening the recording booth door.

“Hey hyung-” Both Chan and Jisung jump at the sudden interruption, “Are you about ready to get going again?” 

Chan’s eyes linger on Jisung’s face for just a moment longer before he turns. He lets the moment go. But not the memory. Not this time. Chan doesn’t let the memory run, he chases after it. Stumbling upon that stuffy day in July along the way. All those years ago. Far, but not out of reach.  

9 November 2018   1:16 a.m. 

It’s late, Hyunjin knows this. They have a busy schedule tomorrow, he knows this too. But something has compelled him to move. His bed had felt uncomfortable in some way, as if he was meant to be somewhere else. It was a weird feeling, something akin to Deja Vu, but yet not. Just a compelling force, or maybe even nothing at all.

He wanders the dorm, the night air chilling his bare feet as he pads out to the living room. It was odd, being awake when the whole world was asleep, it felt special. The moonlight filtering into the room almost taunting him. Floating, whispering, beckoning. Hyunjin walked aimlessly to the kitchen. Maybe he just needed some water. 

Before he can even get halfway to the fridge something catches his attention out of his peripheral vision. Hyunjin’s breath catches in the back of his throat. The room is illuminated just enough by the moon to make out their balcony door cracked open. Silky curtains waving in the phantom wind. 

Hyunjin finds himself approaching carefully, he lets out a soft breath, mind running a million miles an hour. Perhaps one of the members just forgot to close it? That begged the question of who would even go out there in the first place, it was November for god’s sake. 

He reached for the handle with steady hands, slowly sliding the glass open the rest of the way. 

Relief crashed over him, “Jisungie, what are you doing out here?” 

The younger boy flinched, startling hard. He must have really been thinking about something. Yet he somehow managed to keep hold of his notebook and pen. Figures. 

“Sorry-uh… what?” Jisung looks out of it. Who knows how long he’s been out here lost in his thoughts and lyrics. All the members know that without proper supervision Jisung would probably run himself into the ground. 

Hyunjin gets down into a squat to be eye to eye with Jisung where he was sitting on the floor,”Do you know what time it is Sungie?”

Jisung shook his head mutley, Hyunjin bit back a sigh, “It’s the middle of the night..” He reached out a hand to touch Jisung’s arm and almost recoiled from how cold his skin was. He shook his head, “Come on, let’s go to bed….Before you freeze to death.” At least Jisung had the heart to look sheepish.

Despite the hue and temperature of his skin, Jisung wasn’t shivering. Hyunjin mused that maybe he had gotten cold beyond the point of shaking. He didn't like that idea at all. 

“Up you go,” He hauled Jisung upwards. Catching the younger against his chest when he stumbles forward. Hyunjin holds them there for a second, reaching up to run a hand through Jisung’s freezing hair, “What are we going to do with you Sungie?” 

The question was rhetorical, asking the open air as if it would give him some solution. Jisung just huffs out a dry laugh and snuggles closer into his hold. Hyunjin smiles down at him and shivers, “ah-it is way too cold out here..” 

He leads the two of them, still entangled together, gently to his bed. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to get Jisung to let go long enough to get him into his own bed and at this point who was he to fight something like that. 

The younger shifts in his arms slightly, mumbling something Hyunjin can’t quite catch with his eyes closed. 

Hyunjin frowns, “What’s that, Sung?” 

He doesn’t open his eyes, clearly on the edge of sleep, he mumbles again, “It’s weird” His words slur together, reminiscent of a small child. 

“What is?” 

He opens his eyes to look up sleepily at him. A shiver wracks Jisungs small frame in Hyunjin’s hold. Jisung’s eyes are glassy and half closed. 

“Living…” he speaks so softly that Hyunjin almost misses it. 

The words rattle around a bit in his mind before they register, “Jisung, what…?” He pushes back a little from the younger only to find his eyes have fallen closed once again. Hyunjin studies his face in silence for a moment, searching, considering. 

He lets out a puff of air. The best thing he could probably do for Jisung right now was let him sleep. He pulls him once again close to his chest. Gently bringing his hand up to card through his hair. 

Jisung wishes he could memorize these moments 

Because they all eventually fade 

And the memories become difficult to recall 

It’s hard to differentiate 

Between the real and the fake 

And once again he breaks 

A promise he made 

On that day 

it rains

And so he writes a new refrain 

If he can’t save the future 

He’ll kill the past instead

And if he can’t raise the dead

He’ll bring himself back to life again and again 

5 August 2018

Minho approaches the subject as carefully as he possibly can. He finds Jisung when he is relaxed and alone, just chilling on the couch one evening after a long day of practice. He’s scrolling through his phone. Minho almost hates to interrupt, he can’t remember the last time he had seen Jisung look so calm. 

Their most recent comeback had taken a toll on all of them, but most notably Jisung. He had been eating less, sleeping less, smiling less. The rest of them had been worried. His lyrics had become more desperate. Jisung seems haunted by what they don’t know.

“How are you feelin’ Jisungie?” Minho plops himself carelessly down on the other end of the couch, feigning casualness in hopes that Jisung would open up.

The younger shrugs noncommittally, powering off his phone in favor of speaking to Minho. Well, at least that is something.

Minho considers his next words very carefully, “You know, you can always talk to us right?” He runs his fingers lightly over the soft fabric of the couch, “Like if there is ever anything bothering you..” 

Jisung just nods stiffly, “I know Hyung,” The younger favors watching Minho’s hand drawing aimless patterns on the couch, rather than to meet his eyes. 

Minho knows that tone, his posture. Jisung isn’t planning on telling him anything- 

“Hyung-” 

Well, maybe he had been wrong. Jisung wrings his hands in his lap, licking his lips nervously.

Minho tries his best to hide his eagerness, “Hmm?” 

“Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day…?” 

Huh. Weird. That was not what he had been expecting. He tried to school his expression into something neutral, but he can already tell that Jisung is clamming up again, “You mean the American one?”  

“Mhm,” Jisung’s eyes are on him, but his mind is far off somewhere else. 

“Huh….uh no, can’t say that I have…” 

Jisung just nods. He is thinking too hard for Minho’s liking. The younger lets out a tired sigh, “Nevermind..” He pushes himself up and off the couch, “Night Hyung…”  

And just like that it's over. Minho watches his retreating form mystified. 

“Night Jisungie…” 

If you could prevent…

Would I? 

Bang.

Just… You know- Lyrics…

Bang!

I can help you!

BANG

I have to reset. 

BANG!

Just give me your hand!!

I’ll do better. I’ll save you this time. 

7 August 2018

Jisung jerks awake, a sharp pulse rings through his skull. He doesn’t even glance at the clock as he pulls off his blankets and stumbles to the bathroom. 

He avoids his reflection. He already knows what he’d find there. Sunken eyes, haunted, broken. He lets out a shaky breath. Jisung runs his hands under the tap, cupping the cold water and splashing it on his face. He watches lethargically as it drips down his neck and fingers. Swirling round the cracked granite and down the drain. 

Bang

Bang

Bang

He whirls around. “Shit-” He whispers under his breath as one of his still damp hands fly up to grip his heart. 

“Hyung?” Someone’s pounding on the bathroom door. He breathes out, leaning his weight back on to the edge of the sink. Jisung lowers his head, urging his heartbeat to slow. 

“You okay in there?” It’s Jeongin. The baby. He would hate to know that Jisung was calling him that in his head. 

He wills his voice to come out steady.

Bang 

Bang 

Bang

“Yea, I’m good!” Jisung shakes the remaining water off his hands, looking around for any type of towel. Finding none he finally gives up and turns towards the door. 

He opens it slowly, pushing a smile up onto his face. He knows that it’s strained and definitely doesn’t reach his eyes. Jisung can tell that Jeongin doesn’t believe him either by the way he levels a quizzical glare at the older the second they meet eyes. 

Jisung doesn’t have the heart to deal with a whole conversation right now so he just ruffles his hair and pushes past the other, “Bathroom’s all yours…” 

Jeongin grabs his wrist before he can escape, “Hyung…” the maknae looks worried, nervous, maybe even a little annoyed, “Are you okay…?” 

Jisung pulls away gently, forcing out a tight lipped smile, “I’m okay Innie, no need to worry about me…” 

Jeongin worries 

6 August 2018

They all worry. 

It’s difficult not to with everything going on. Eventually all the weird occurances start to build up. 

“Do you think it could be his anxiety acting up again…?” Hyunjin poses the question quietly to the gathered group. 

They really hadn’t meant to all get together and talk about him, but it just so happened that Jisung, Jeongin, and Seungmin were out and the rest of them were home. Not exactly intentional and not exactly an intervention. 

Changbin scrunches his nose, “No, if it was that he would talk to one of us, right?”  The group goes quiet 

“I don’t know,” Chan looks conflicted even as the words leave his mouth, “Jisung really doesn’t like to be a burden-” 

Felix cuts him off, “-But he’s not a burden!” 

“I know that, “ Their leader nods placatingly, “But try telling Jisung that…” 

“Maybe we should just talk to him…”  Minho. The older had been oddly quiet concerning the topic. It was obvious that he had a serious soft spot for Jisung so the idea that he could be struggling had gotten to him especially. 

The group sat in quiet contemplation. Chan was the first to break it, “I don’t want to push him too hard… with everything we have going on, you know,” He didn’t sound extremely confident in this notion, “I just don’t want to add another thing for him to stress about…” 

Hyunjin and Felix nodded along in agreement as Chan spoke. Minho looked uncomfortable. 

“But what if it’s serious…?” 

“Have a little faith Hyung-” Changbin rested his hand on Minho’s shoulder. Eyeing the older boy a little bit warily, “Jisung is smart, He knows how to take care of himself-” 

Minho shrugged him off, “I know that,“ He gazed around the group for support, “If it was anyone else you would be all over it.” He mumbled under his breath. 

Changbin looked disgruntled, the rest confused. Chan, ever the savior, cut in before it could get heated, “What does that mean?” His voice is level and calm, but it holds a warning. 

Minho sighs, “ I just- Jisungie is responsible- he acts older than he is, I worry that sometimes we overlook him… if any of the other members were having issues like this we would have already talked about it…” 

“That’s not fair-” Changbin frowns 

“No-” Felix looks nervous, cutting in, “Minho-hyung has a point… I mean- if it was me… I don’t know- It just wouldn’t be handled the same…” He tapers off looking anywhere but Changbin.

Whatever retort Changbin had been planning on saying was cut off by Chan, “Look-” he ran a hand through his already disgruntled hair. The eldest obviously didn’t like the idea of any of his members hurting or fighting, 

“It may be something, it may be nothing, but Minho is right about one thing. We do need to get this resolved. Letting it just hang out isn’t going to help anyone…” He lets out a sigh, surveying the member circled around in the living room.

“Tomorrow will be really busy with the fansign and everything, okay. So we just need to get through that together and then we can sit down and sort everything else out. Does that work for everyone?” 

There was a collective round of nods 

“Good.” Chan looks pointedly at Minho, “Everything is going to be fine.”

Jisung used to dream of death 

And dying and floating away 

He kept running and running and working 

And just when he finally thought they made it 

It would come back again. Raging and stronger.

Changbin and Chan would call it drive and inspiration 

Jisung would call it blood and bone

They call his songs art 

He called them a diary, a map of his mind

The place his soul cried, and it cried, and it cried.

These days Jisung dreams of time 

Floating between his fingers like empty grain 

And when his time slips behind his eyes 

Sleep escapes him 

And he tries and tries 

Some nights he wonders what he had done

And if in the end it would be enough 

Others he just cries because after everything he tries 

And all this time 

He still sometimes dies. 

7 August 2018   11:48 a.m.

The fansign was supposed to be a small, lowkey event. Despite this, and their collective desire to interact with their fans it was still stressful. Everyone in the group was aware of how Jisung felt about the whole thing. His struggles with large crowds and fansigns in particular are well known to the group by now. And now with everything going on, many of the members were hyper aware of how Jisung was doing. 

The first half went surprisingly smooth. Jisung is placed between both Minho and Chan, just for some extra precaution. Minho doesn’t hesitate to lean over when they have a break in the stream of fans, “If you need to take a break, that’s okay…” 

Chan perks up in their direction, listening in. Jisung just shakes his head, “ No… it’s okay...I’m okay…”

He doesn’t sound particularly okay, but Minho is willing to let it go for now, “Okay..” he gives Jisungs thigh a loving squeeze under the table before turning back to face the crowd. Jisung turns as well. And then everything falls apart. 

Bang 

Bang

Bang

People start to scream, run, hide. Anything to avoid the loud bangs emanating from somewhere in the crowd. 

Someone is shooting, the staff is shouting, the world is blurring. And Jisung is sitting, eyes glazed. 

The rest of the members scrambled backstage, or were grabbed by the staff, or oh god-. Jisung wants to tear his eyes away from this nightmare, but finds himself frozen. Lost somewhere between apathy and inane terror.

Somewhere in the chaos he lost Minho-hyung. Jisung can hear who he thinks is Hyunjin cry out somewhere in the distance. 

“Jisung!” Chan is there, pulling him down, back, away. Like he always has. His eyes follow the horor.

Bang .

There’s nothing he can do to stop it. Time seems to slow. Insufferably uncomfortable and horrifyingly gruesome. Chan coughs, his eyes go wide in shock? pain?  Jisung isn’t sure which. 

Bang

Bang

Bang

The dead weight in his arms is enough to spur him to move. It’s dark backstage, even so, he can tell that Chan’s face has lost most of its color. For one terrifying moment Jisung thinks it’s already too late. He feels something deep and guttural rip out of his insides. His hands shake uncontrollably as he reaches desperately to try and find a pulse. His vision is blurred by the oncoming stream of tears. 

“It’s okay hyung…” His voice breaks. He can’t help it really. He’s hysterical, “You’re going to be okay…” 

Chan’s eyes are glassy and distant. His heartbeat is thready and inconsistent, but there. Jisung feels something solid and warm and wet touch his hand. 

It takes him a beat to realize that Chan is reaching to hold his hand. Jisung meets him halfway, gripping Chan’s hand for dear life, as if that would somehow make everything better. He sobs at just the thought.

“Sungie-” Chan’s voice is raspy and strained. He coughs and crimson splatters against their connected hands. 

“Hyung…” Jisung manages to sob out, “I have to reset… I have- I have to…” 

Chan is out of it enough that he doesn’t even ask what the hell he’s talking about. Would he ever get to ask him again?

“Please…” Chan grips his hand weakly, “...Just please stay with me….until I fall asleep…” 

Chan’s hand goes limp in his hold.

Jisung screams. 

Bang.

7 August 2018   3:04 a.m. 

Jisung wakes up in a cold sweat. The screams of his brothers reverberate in his skull. The blood soaking his hands. He’s shaking as he stumbles into the bathroom. He doesn't even turn on the lights in his haste to wash off the phantom blood- Chan’s blood. 

A sob tears up his throat. He’s crying, hyperventilating. The water is running. People are screaming. There are bangs too loud. Everything is too loud. 

Jisung’s back hits the wall. He slides painfully down to the floor, knees coming up to meet his chest. There’s commotion.

“Shit, Jisung-” Someone’s hands are on him. Soft hands, so gentle, ghosting over his broken figure. He cries harder, rocking forward violently.

“Jisung, what’s going on?” It’s Felix, he recognises his voice even through the panic. Felix sounds almost as hysterical as he feels. Jisung feels fleetingly guilty for waking him up. 

He reels forward again, reaching out blindly, finding purchase on Felix’s forearms, “...Channie-hyung…” His words slur together, but the other boy gets the message. 

“I’ll go get him-” Felix rushes loudly and frantically out of the bathroom. Jisung can hear distant yelling and footsteps, it’s all too much. He puts his head in his hands and cries, trying desperately to rid his mind of the horrific images it keeps replaying. Chan. Chan dead. Chan dead in his arms. The blood on his hands. The screams- his scream. 

Strong arms pull him in. His mind immediately knows who it is. Jisung grips the back of Chan’s t-shirt desperately, “I- I’m sorry- I’m so sorry hyung…” He stutters through his sobs, “I’ll- I’ll do better- I’ll get it right this time-” 

Chan squeezes him tighter, shushing him gently. He brings his hand up to cradle Jisung’s head to his chest. Chan’s heartbeat greets him, steady and strong. Not dead. Jisung lets out a breath, tears still falling, but his hysteria quelled slightly. The exhaustion settles down deep in his bones. Jiung lets himself slip down into inviting darkness, held securely by his hyung. 

“You’re going to be okay, Sungie..”  

7 August 2018   7:15 a.m.

“I think it would be best for Jisung to stay home today…” 

Everyone looked up from their various places around the breakfast table. An awkward silence permeates around the room. They’re all shaken to a degree from the events of the early morning. It had been impossible to miss and the repercussions, they all knew, would be impossible to avoid. 

Minho breaks the silence, “I agree..”  His voice is stoic, not exactly steady, “after an-” He hesitates for a brief second, gripping the fork in his hand a little bit tighter, “-episode like that, I don’t think a fansign would be good for him.” 

The group tetters. Those words hadn’t been spoken out loud yet, the air is fragile. No one really wanted to do much talking. 

“I...I don’t think he should be left alone,” Felix chimes in quietly. Unlike Minho, his voice does shake. His tone is painted by the remaining terror from this morning. 

The table, if possible, grows even quieter. The reality of the situation is sinking in rapidly. The sheer helplessness of it all. 

“You’re probably right,” Chan’s eyes are glued to the wall, looking beyond any of them, “I think I should stay with him…” 

A round of somber nods ripple across the table. 

7 August 2018  12:06 pm 

“Sungie…” 

Something soft comes into contact with his shoulder. His sleep-addled mind draws a black. He thinks he may be rocking…? Or someone was shaking him. Almost like he’s on a boat...weird… he couldn’t be on a boat? Could he?

“Hannie...it’s time to wake up…”

He knows that voice. Jisung cracks his eyes open. The action takes much more effort than usual, but for some reason he can;t recall why that would be. All he knows for now is that he is definitely not on a boat…

“Hey..” Chan must have noticed his half open eyes. The older boy is sitting on the edge of his bed, he is smiling softly, but it is tight and concerned. Jisung feels vague emotion swirl deep in his stomach. What happened? His mind struggles to provide an adequate answer.

“Hyung...what-?” His voice comes out scratchy. Jisung realizes that he has probably been crying. Chan quickly helps prop him up, producing a water bottle seemingly out of nowhere. Jisung accepts it slowly. 

Chan takes a slow inhale before speaking, “You had a pretty bad panic attack earlier… scared the crap out of everyone…” His tone holds a dry humor despite the sad expression on his features, “I thought we were getting better...What happened..?” He looks at Jisung with quickly growing misty eyes. 

The guilt comes in waves. Jisung caps the water bottle carefully, still gripping it tightly. He knows he can’t tell Chan… or any of them… no matter how much he wanted to. 

“I’m sorry Hyung, “ He hung his head. He can’t look at Chan right now. He can’t face the disappointment, the concern. He doesn't deserve it. 

Chan shuffles closer, Jisung fights the urge to back away, “Sung- I’m not mad, “ The older reaches out to hold his hand, “I just want to help you… we all do.” 

Tears welled up and fell unwelcome down his face, “I’m sorry- I don’t… I can’t-” 

Chan pulls him gently into his embrace, “It’s okay, “He rocks the two of them slowly back and forth, “We’ll get through this together… all of us..” 

It suddenly all comes crashing down. The realization washed over his mind like a douse of freezing cold water. He jerks back out of Chan’s hold, the older startles with him. 

“Hyung- what time is it?” His voice must be urgent enough, just desperate enough that Chan doesn’t take a moment to think before answering. 

“uh-I - Probably past noon- I don’t-” 

His next words come out breathless “The fansign-” Jisung grips Chan’s t-shirt. 

The older seems to catch up to Jisung’s panic, “calm down.. It’s okay, we already called management, they agreed that it would be best to give you a day to rest.” 

Cold dread and fresh hysteria floods his system. 

“No!” Jisung shoots out of the bed, stumbling. Legs giving out before he can even reach the hallway. His mind races, thoughts spiraling. Breaths coming in uneven heaves. His hands find their way up to cradle his head. How could he have already managed to ruin this cycle? How is he going to reset? He has to. But he can’t, not with Chan there. 

Chan catches him, holding on tight to his shoulders, “Jisung, what’s wrong? You gotta calm down… please.” 

Jisung stills in defeat. The sudden lack of movement seems to worry Chan even more. Jisung is crying, “I’m so sorry…” 

“It’s okay...you’re okay...Everything is going to be okay…” This makes him cry harder, to Chan’s apparent horror. Chan had always been steady, but now… now nothing felt constant. He made promises, Chan never broke his word… if only he knew.

“Sungie, please talk to me..” Chan sounds desperate, “Please tell me what’s going on..’

The words come tumbling out, barely intelligible through his hysterics, “I love you Channie-hyung a-and i’m sorry… I’m so sorry- I try so hard,” His voice breaks, Chan is cupping his chin gently, trying in vain to wipe away his tears, “I try s-so hard to get it right… but- but I fail every time…” 

“Ji-” 

The sound of Chan’s ringtone startles the both of them. Jisung feels a sharp surge of foreboding creep up his spine.

“You should get that…” choked resignation. Ironically he thinks that this is the steadiest his voice has been in days. 

Even though Jisung can’t hear what is being said on the other end of the call, Chan’s reaction is enough. His face goes pale and tears are falling long before he hangs up. 

He needs to reset. The thought is blatant and jarring. The apathy of it all is just enough to scare him. Chan is probably in utter shock and grief right now. 

“Sungie-” His voice is broken, more broken than Jisung had ever heard it. He wasn’t going to subject his hyung to having to explain it all to him. 

“I already know…”  The voice that comes out of him is far from his own. It’s too dark, too resigned, too defeated. 

“What?” Quiet. Broken. Dead in his arms. Failure. 

He ventures a little closer to the edge, “Hyung…” 

Chan looks lost, dazed. Not totally comprehending the full gravity of the situation. 

“If you could change the past…- If you could save everyone… even if it meant you had to die… would you do it?” Jisung knew it was a pointless question, but he couldn’t even bring himself to care anymore. He needed to know he was making the right choice, even if his mind was already made up. This cycle was a lost cause, and it was all his fault. 

“Jisung…”

“Please just answer the question hyung.”

“Yes, I would.” 

Jisung isn’t exactly sure where the idea came from. Maybe he had thought about it once before, maybe a lot, but when he opened the medicine cabinet he knew exactly where the pills were. He opened the bottle, Enough. Enough to reset. 

He took a steadying breath. It had never come to this before. He wondered what Chan would think. What would the others think if they were here to see him now? It didn’t matter anymore he muses. They aren’t here. All that matters is resetting, getting back, and making things right again. 

Killing himself was easier than he thought it would be. 

7 August 2018  3:04 a.m. 

Jisung wakes up calm. There is an underlying ambivalent horror at what he had just done swirling around in his stomach. He sits up carefully, walking with a gentle grace to the bathroom and locking the door behind him. 

He vomits 

The action, while simultaneously painful and bitter, is also cathartic. Jisung reaches up to flush the toilet with trembling fingers and a newfound glint in his eyes. He was going to get this right. No matter how long it takes He had to. For his family. 

There was no logical way to get everyone out of a fansign at once… Maybe if there was an emergency… He shook his head. There was really no way to do that either. In the end he knew there wouldn’t be an easy way out. He alone would have to face this head on. 

Bang 

Bang 

Bang 

He looks up, not even startled anymore. He’d been here more times than he was willing to admit. Jeongin was right on time. 

The knocking on the door continues, “Hyung?” 

Jisung opens the door quickly, coming face to face with the worried maknae, “You okay in there?” 

Jisung gives him a tight smile that he is fully aware doesn’t reach his eyes, “Yea, I’m good…” 

The younger is thinly veiling his worry. Jisung doesn’t mind though, he wouldn’t have an answer for Jeongin even if he asked, “Bathroom’s all yours... “ He pushes past, making his way back to his own bed. The familiar feelings fall over him. JIsung knows he isn’t going to get any sleep tonight.

Jisung knew all about ghosts

He was haunted in that way 

It’s all a bit tragic 

If you really consider it 

Dying to live 

The understatement of the year

Trapped in a universal mind game

Traumatizing and sadic 

Was the world spinning backwards

Like he was the only one lost in it

dying , trying , and crying 

Why was he always rewriting

Lost in the waves 

Undermine reality 

The clock strikes again 

He is the singularity

6 August 2018 

Evenings off were typically few and far between for the group, That’s probably why Minho hadn’t gotten around to watching it yet. He really had meant to sooner, especially after his and Jisung’s conversation, but he hadn’t had a moment to sit down and really give his whole attention to the movie. 

It was strange, he wasn’t really a movie person, but for some reason this felt important. 

“What are you doing hyung?” 

Minho looked up sharply from where he had been idly fiddling with their DVD player….who even used those things anymore. He sure didn’t. How embarrassing to be caught though. 

Rather than acknowledge that fact he favored doing the mature thing. Minho flung himself back on his haunches letting out a dramatic sigh of frustration, “do you know how to use this damn thing?” 

Changbin nods slowly, a sly grin starting to creep onto his face, “Why? Do you need some help?” 

His tone was purposely condescending. Minho didn’t like that one bit, “No.”

The two sized each other up for a second. Changbin took a relenting step forward, arms out in a peace offering, “Here let me help-” He took up the spot on the floor that Minho had previously occupied, “What are you trying to watch…?” 

Minho wordlessly offers him the DVD, glaring the whole time. The younger considers it, flipping the case over in his grasp, “Groundhog day?” the english words sound awkward in his mouth, “This is all in English Hyung…” 

Minho shrugs, “Jisung recommended it.” 

That just makes Changbin look more confused, which quickly shifts to incredulity, “Why isn’t he watching it with you then? “ 

Minho mulls that over for a moment. Why hadn’t he asked Jisung to watch this with him? Maybe a part of him had wanted to feel close to Jisung without any of the work? That wasn’t quite it… He wanted to understand Jisung, what he was thinking, how he was feeling. For some reason this movie felt important. Of course he couldn’t say any of this out loud to Changbin, so he simply shrugged again, that would convey enough. 

Changbin, to his credit, just shakes his head. He finally seemed to finish setting up the DVD player. He then turns to the couch, taking the remote with him. Minho watches quizzically as Changbin makes himself comfortable. 

“What are you doing?” 

It was Changbin’s turn to lift an eyebrow, “Watching the movie.” 

He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Changbin pressed play as Minho settled on the other end of the couch, coming to terms with the fact that he would have company for the foreseeable future. 

“You’re not the only one worried about him, Hyung…” 

Minho’s eyes don’t leave the screen, but something inside him shifts. Like a breath of fresh air. 

“I know…” 

They had only made it about halfway through the movie when Chan entered the common area. Both boys looked up at the entrance, Changbin even reaching for the remote to press pause. 

Their leader scanned the room anxiously, his bottom lip being tugged harshly between his teeth. 

“What’s up Hyung?” Minho surveyed the older… something must have happened. He could only hope it wasn’t serious. To his knowledge there hadn’t been any yelling or smashing or crying in the past hour so it couldn’t possibly be that bad, could it?

“Have either of you seen Sungie?” 

Minho and Changbin exchange worried glances. The latter letting the remote drop onto the sofa, movie long forgotten, “Not recently… no...I thought he was in his and Jeongin’s room?” 

Chan crossed his arms across his chest, taking a steadying breath. It was obvious to Minho that the older was doing his best to keep up a stoic face for the other members even when he was spiraling himself, “That’s what I thought too,” Chan ran his fingers nervously over the hem of his sweater, “... but I just went in there and it’s just Jeongin- ‘ he lets out a shuddering breath, “- and he said he hasn’t seen Jisung since dinner…” 

Minho did his best to stay calm… there were lots of places- safe places- that Jisung could be. Despite his initial instinct to freak out, his pragmatic side won out for the time being, “let’s not panic Hyung…” He glanced between the other two in the room. Neither looked particularly calm, but frankly neither was he, “Did you check all the other rooms?” 

Chan nodded shakily 

“Okay… How bout calling him? Did you try that?” 

“Yea-“ He ran a hand through his hair, “-it went straight to voicemail…” 

Changbin cut in, “That’s not like him…” He sounded worried, but calmer than Chan. Minho would take it. 

“It’s okay… He’s probably fine… Maybe he went for a walk or something and forgot to tell us…” His voice didn’t even sound slightly convincing to his own ears. Nevertheless the other two boys nodded. 

“I’m just really worried about him-“ Chan’s voice was soft. It carried an emotion that Minho wasn’t sure he even wanted to identify. 

Changbin placed a reassuring hand on their leader's shoulder, “we all are Hyung… It’s not the same around here with him acting like this.” 

Chan gave him a rye smile, “It’s more than that…” he shook his head, hiding his face in his hands, “I just have a really bad feeling.” 

Minho couldn’t help but agree. Everything about Jisung has been putting him on edge lately. He was sure everyone could sense it. There was some underlying tension that the whole group seemed too scared to touch. No one wanted to be the reason it all exploded, but it had to eventually. All that built up pressure had to go somewhere. It was just the somewhere that Minho was worried about. 

Something inside him had finally cracked 

And after that everything had fallen apart. 

Who knows how long he had been at this.

Out here. 

The world looked so different from the top 

You never realize how high it could be from the ground.

The wind ruffles his hair.

He clenches his fists. 

Life shouldn’t work in second chances 

He almost wishes he had never gotten one

Almost.

The streetlights reflect the stars off the pavement 

It’s all smoke and mirrors

Falling in reverse 

Who knows how long he had been at this. 

What was one more time? 

Would he open his eyes one day 

All of this behind him 

Or was this his eternity 

Maybe both

Or nothing at all

He was slipping 

Shapes and colors 

Life and death 

Love and hate

He weighed the world in his hands 

Some things in life just didn’t add up 

And maybe he was one of them. 

“Hello?” 

“Jisung! Jisungie, where are you?!” 

Where was he? Good question. Had he finally done it? Gone up to the top of a high building, ready to walk right off the edge. 

“Somewhere up high, Hyung…” His voice is cold even to his own ears. He isn’t sure why he’s choosing to prolong this timeline. Is that all he did? All he ever does? Prolong people’s pain? 

“Jisung where!?” I need you to tell me where you are so we can come get you!” Chan sounds desperate. 

A single tear falls like silver rain down his cheek. 

“It’s cold up here…” 

He could distantly make out the sound of a sob on the other end of the line, “Jisungie… please… you’re scaring me….” 

“Don’t be scared, Hyung.” His toes dangle over the edge. He becomes aware that he can’t even see the ground. 

“Where are you Jisung!” There is clambering and voices over the phone. Jisung can almost see it in his mind's eye. All the members rushing around, all worried about him. That just wasn’t right. 

“Do you believe in second chances Channie-hyung?” 

“What Jisung of cour-“ 

“Because I don’t think I do anymore…” He almost felt bad for talking over Chan, he had always been there for him and all JIsung had done was fail him. He had failed all of them. 

He could hear the frantic yelling increase on Chan’s end. The leader was yelling something along the lines of, ‘he won’t tell me where he is…’ 

he should really reset now… that’s what he had come up here for after all. He had finally come up with a plan, it was stupid… probably bound to fail… but really what else did he have to loose. You can’t shame the shameless as they say. In his case though, you can’t single out the singularity. 

“It all works out in the end… it always does…” He feels breathless. No matter how many times he dies nothing will ever numb him to this feeling. 

Chan breathed heavily, “What does that mean Sungie… please help me understand… tell me where you are and we can talk-“ 

Jisung cut him off once again, “Hyung?” His gaze drifts to the skyline as Chan grows quiet. 

“Will you stay with me till I fall asleep?” 

It’s all a psychedelic kaleidoscope, twisting behind his eyes in a magical display. 

“Jisung no! Please don’t do this-“ Chan was crying. He was fairly certain he could hear crying in the background as well. This had to be it. Jisung wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. He slams his eyes shut. 

‘I don’t want to keep dying…’ 

‘Please.’ 

‘Give me one more chance!’ 

Jisung is free falling again.

7 August 2018 

Once this was over, he was going to talk Jeongin into rearranging their room. 

Jisung let consciousness flood over him, staring into the ceiling as he slowly let the memories resurface. This was it. It had to be. 

He let out a steadying breath before quietly slipping out of bed. Jisung’s eyes trailed over Jeongin’s peacefully sleeping form. The kid would get up to go to the bathroom in the next few minutes anyway, but he still felt the need to be quiet as he left. 

Jisung roams the hallway, glancing at the bathroom as he passes. Instead he entered the kitchen, absentmindedly gathering a glass out of a nearby cabinet and reaching for the tap. 

“Hannie?” 

The voice startled him so bad he almost lost his grip on the cup

“Careful with that…'' Minho seemed to sense his nerves, gently pulling the glass out of Jisung’s now trembling hands, filling it with water and setting it down on the counter between them. 

“Thanks Hyung…” Jisung mumbled before grasping it to take a slow sip. 

Minho just nodded, acknowledging his thanks before speaking, “What are you doing up?” Worry was etched across the face of the older. 

Jisung couldn’t really blame him. This moment almost felt normal… too normal… That would put anyone on edge. 

“Just...couldn’t sleep-“ 

Minho surveyed his face carefully before replying, “Anxious?” 

He couldn’t help but nod back. Yea he was anxious, probably not in the way that Minho thought, but anxious nonetheless. 

“Oh Hannie…” the older pulled him into his arms. Jisung immediately sunk down into the embrace. 

“Everybody’s worried about you” Minho squeezes him tighter. 

“I know…” Jisung knows what he has to do… what he’s about to do. Just because he knows doesn’t make it any less daunting, “I’m sorry…” 

“-don’t apologize Sung… we just want to make sure you’re okay…”  

He broke down. Tears trickle down his cheeks and Jisung holds the back of Minho’s hoodie in a death grip, “I -I can’t do this anymore Hyung…” He hiccups out. 

The older man just runs his hand soothingly through his hair, “I know… I know…” he cooes, ‘We’ll get through this together, you just need to talk to us…” 

Jisung snuggles his head further into his Hyung’s strong arms, “I want that…” he breathes in Minho’s scent, soaking in every inch of comfort he can get, “After the fansign we can talk…” 

Minho hums gently, never once relinquishing his grip, “Don’t push yourself Hannie… the fans would understand-“

“I can do it…” Jisung is the one to pull away first, “I can do the fansign.” 

Minho searches his eyes before smiling softly, “Of course you can,” He pushes a stray hair off Jisung’s forehead, “Our Sungie can do anything…” 

7 August 2018    11:48 a.m.

The fansign was supposed to be a small, lowkey event. Despite this, Jisung couldn’t slow the telltale pounding of his heart. The overwhelming anticipation of what he was about to do had settled over him in an uncomfortable haze. The rest of the members could sense his unease he’s sure. Minho had been dutifully glued to his side and Chan, as observant as he is, had noticed this and had taken up a post on his other side. He was grateful for his Hyung’s prescience, but it didn’t really make what he had to do any easier. 

As they took their seats Chan lightly took one of Jisung’s hands into his own, “Doing okay Sungie?” 

Jisung flashed a tight lipped smile, “Yep.” 

Minho gave his thigh a loving squeeze from his other side, “Let us know if you need a break-“ 

“I’m okay, stop worrying both of you….” he did his best to produce a pointed look, “...I’m going to be okay…”  He wasn’t exactly sure who he was reassuring anymore. Maybe if he said it out loud then it would be true. He looked out over the sea of people. How many times had he looked out over this same view. It was funny how time worked like that. It had always been chasing him. Catching up, creeping from behind. 

Jisung had always been running. In every new iteration. Every new horror he had experienced, that is what he had learned. He had always run. And that was when people got hurt. 

Today he couldn’t run. There was nowhere left to go Besides straight ahead. If this was ever going to end he had to quit running. Running had gotten him nowhere, so maybe it was time he stayed.

He finally found who he was looking for. There mixed into the crowd, a man, inconspicuously dressed, slick black hair, a dangerous glint in his eyes. 

Something builds up in his chest, an unstoppable force. He lets it overtake him before he can even have a second thought. 

Jisung moves.

The man begins to shoot. 

Bang. 

Just like every other time. People scream, the staff is shouting, the members are frozen. 

Bang.

Just like every other time the world seems to turn on its axis, but this time it doesn’t take his breath away. 

Bang.

Jisung runs forward. Unlike every other time he vaults over the long fansign table in front of him. Running clumsily into the crowd of panicked people. He runs full force into the man. Any regard he had for his own personal safety was long gone after everything he had been through. 

Both he and the man hit the ground hard. Amongst the screaming and scrambling feet, Jisung doesn’t even have time to process the gun that is aimed in his direction. He just reacts, reaching out blindly. Reckless abandon fuels his movements. 

He pulls at the offending weapon in an attempt to rip it out of the shooter's hands. The other man pulls back.

There was no second chance here… at least not for him. There was nothing more one and done than this life and death situation, but for some reason he found he didn’t particularly care. 

He scuffles with the man for the gun. His hair being pulled, hands and limbs being stepped on by the terrified fans in their attempt to escape. His knees get scraped, he thinks there may be blood trickling down his temple. Jisung needed to disarm him. He had to put an end to this. He had to keep going.

Jisung hears distant sirens. 

If he had to die to make this all end, then so be it. It was nothing he hadn’t done before. 

Bang. 

+-+-+

When he became aware of his surroundings again he almost screamed. Half from the excruciating soreness running rampant in his extremities and half from the fact that he had reset again. 

The thought alone made his still closed eyes fill with tears. He didn’t want to face reality. He didn’t want to open his eyes and see the same damn ceiling. The same damn day again. He was beyond frustrated. He was devastated. Was it too much to ask for his friends to survive? For his family to just be safe. That had always been all he ever wanted.

A stray tear slips out despite his best efforts. 

“Hyung?” 

Was that Jeongin? He wasn’t supposed to wake up for a few more minutes.

“Can you hear me Hyung?” 

Jisung didn’t dare hope. He didn’t want to open his eyes. He had to have been here before.

“Guys I think he’s waking up!”

 That was a new voice…. What was Seungmin doing here? More tears escaped from under his lashes. 

“Come on Sungie,” That was Chan, “Open your eyes for me.” He trusted Chan.

Jisung ventured a squint, the light immediately burned against his eyes, he let out an involuntary whine. 

“That’s right Hannie…” Minho was here too? Now Jisung was just confused, “-can one of you guys get the nurse….?” 

Jisung was pretty sure that he wasn’t talking to him, but the weight his words carried sent his mind into a tailspin. Nurse? Where was he? Why was everyone here? What was happening? 

He forced his eyes the rest of the way open. Curiosity winning out over pain. 

The first thing he saw was Chan. The older boy was hovering expectantly over his face.

“Hyung?” His voice came out gravely and grated against his throat. Chan immediately burst into action. 

“Do you need water?” Jisung watched on, mind spinning.

“Hyung…” He could see past Chan into the room now. Scattered around, the members seemed to be sporting varying levels of worried expressions.

“Can one of you get him some water…” Chan flitted over his line of sight, “Where is the nurse…” He mumbled more to himself than anyone else. 

“Hyung.” 

Chan looked back down, Expectant, worried, a slight panic still radiating through him, “What’s wrong Ji?” 

Jisung shook his head, his mind was struggling to keep up, “Is everyone okay…?” He felt like that was probably the most important question to ask at the moment. 

Chan just gaped, “Jisung-“ He opened and closed his mouth twice just looking for the right words, “Everyone else is fine…. no one was hurt because- well because you…” 

His mind spun again… the whole world came to a grinding haunt from the implication, “Hyun…” He spoke slowly. It was almost too good to be true, “What day is it?” 

Chan floundered, “Ah- um-“ He lifted his phone hurriedly from his pocket, ‘By now it’s the 8th I think -“ 

Jisung reached desperately for the phone. He had to see it for himself. There it was . The clock didn’t lie. There, in stark technicolor that made his eyes sting with tears. 

 8 August 2018     1:36 a.m. 

9 November 2018   1:16 a.m. 

Sometimes Jisung would find himself out on their dorm balcony. He wasn’t sure what drew him out here, especially in the cold, but sometimes he just needed to be alone with the world. 

He honestly wouldn’t have expected it from himself. One would think that he had spent enough time alone with the world, his own thoughts, for a lifetime. But in truth, much of that time had been spent not thinking, it had been more of a perpetual panic with little windows of normalcy.Now that he was past it all, back where he belonged, home with his members, his family, it all felt foreign. He had no idea where to even start with getting to feeling normal again.

“Jisungie, what are you doing out here?”

He doesn’t flinch, he doesn’t respond either. He simply stands, looking out onto the night skyline. Hyunjin makes his way over to stand next to him, leaning his weight against the railing, “Do you know what time it is Sungie?” 

Jisung sighs, tearing his eyes away from the glowing city to consider his friend, “....The middle of the night probably…” 

The boy across from him nods, reaching out to gently grasp his arm, “Come on, let’s go to bed… before we both freeze to death…” 

Jisung chuckles, letting himself be pulled back inside their dorm by Hyunjin. 

“It’s weird…” He mumbles as Hyunjin turns to close the sliding glass door.

He turns slowly, eyebrow arched, “What is?” 

“Living…” 

Hyunjin approaches him slowly, taking hold of his shoulders, forcing Jisung to look into his eyes, “I’m so glad you’re alive Sungie… we all are.” 

Jisung allows himself to be pulled into a warm hug, resting his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder, “...I think I am too…”

The taller boy lets out a breathy laugh and brings his hand up to card his fingers through Jisung’s hair.

Jisung feels a contented smile tug on his lips, “I am too.”