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The cool ocean breeze was relaxing as it brushed against Zhongli’s face. The sand felt odd under his bare feet, but it wasn’t unpleasant. It grounded him in the moment allowing him to relish in the new feeling he had obtained.
It was a feeling of fullness. Of content. It allowed him to fully cherish the things he had been given. And it was all thanks to Childe.
“Xiangsheng! Come look at this,” Childe smiled as he pulled his lover by the sleeve.
Zhongli got dragged closer to the ocean waves lapping against the sand. He stumbled a bit, his rolled up pants leg coming undone. The cold, and now damp sand had made him shiver. It was very cold.
Childe had let go of his sleeve to bend down and dug something out of the sand. It was a blue seashell, white stripes wrapping around it. It reminded Zhongli of Childe’s eyes.
“Xiansheng, aren’t these pretty?” Childe walked back to him, his bare feet made prints in the sand. “I found them when I had recently come to Liyue.”
“Yes,” Zhongli replied, his own voice sounded like an echo, though they were in open space. “They’re beautiful. They remind me of your eyes,”
Childe’s ears had grown red as he looked away. “Zhongli… you can’t just say that stuff.”
Zhongli chuckled, enjoying the embarrassing look on his boyfriend’s face. He just wrapped an arm around Childe’s shoulder and gave him a peck on the cheek as he led them back to the ocean. “The more I’ve grown to know you, you remind me of the ocean. It may be because you do have a hydro vision- but… as a person. You seem so free and you take up so much capacity inside my heart, my head, my soul… my everything,”
Childe stared back into the soft gaze of Zhongli’s amber eyes that seemed to brighten up more when he looked at Childe. It was… intimate. The warm, salty breeze ruffles their strewn hair as it messes it up more than it already was. The cold ocean water lapped at their ankles, and it had made Childe feel safe and protected wrapped in Zhongli’s arm.
“You also seem to have a bad temper that cannot be hidden very well. Hmm, I suppose you would call that passive aggressive. I remember Venti describing it as someone being… salty,” Zhongli hums, a playful gleam in his eyes.
Childe huffs, pulling away from Zhongli, leaving the other chuckling. “I’m hurt, Zhongli. How could you call me salty,”
“You’re just proving my point further, dear Ajax,”
Childe was taken aback a bit by the use of his real name, but scoffed playfully nonetheless. He kicked a bit of water towards Zhongli as retaliation.
Zhongli blinked a bit, some of the salty water had splashed on his face. “Did you just kick me with… water?”
“Why yes I did,”
Zhongli just nodded. “I assume that was to get back at me for calling you ‘salty’. Well, I suppose this is now a challenge,”
Childe smirked. “Oh? A challenge you say?”
Zhongli walked towards the red head, bending down and brought his hands through and up the waves, splashing Childe with the ocean water. Childe stood there, almost as still as one of Zhongli’s own stone pillars.
Childe’s eyes were clenched shut, his coat soaked through as droplets of water slid down his face. He eventually moved, shaking his hair out and drug a hand through it. Zhongli chuckled at how silly he looked. Childe’s eyes were playful and happy. He didn’t have a care in the world. His attention was solely focused on Zhongli.
“Ah I see… so this is that kind of fight.” Childe smirks, starting to unbutton his top. “Xiangsheng… I may just win this. You know, being the owner of a hydro vision and all.”
Zhongli just sighs. Of course Childe would take this as a serious battle. Zhongli doesn’t mind, it had entertained him greatly to see Childe having fun. And even if Zhongli didn’t win this, (which he probably won’t, for the reason Childe pointed out, he is at a very detrimental disadvantage), he still got something out of this.
Childe throws his top aside, revealing his own toned abdomen, scars littering the skin. The Liyue summer sun must’ve help Childe lose his natural pale complexion, his skin was then a bit more tan than the pale it was as Zhongli had remembered it.
“You… don’t wear anything underneath your top?” Zhongli raised a brow.
“No? Why?” Childe smirks. “It’s easier to move around with little clothing, you must know, considering all the statues around Liyue are of you shirtless,”
“Hmmm,” Zhongli just crossed his arms. “How scandalous of us,”
Childe just laughed as he had started the splashing again. Before Zhongli retaliated, he had taken off this outer coat and accessories, leaving him only in his rolled up pants and a white button down, the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, a few buttons had come undone at the top that Zhongli just hadn’t bothered with.
The next hour or so just consisted of the two of them messing around on the beach, Zhongli ended up being soaked more than Childe. It was… fun. In the 6000 years Zhongli has lived this was the first time he had truly felt… free. It was relieving. He loved it. He loved Childe.
He loved Childe.
He loves Childe.
Childe…
Zhongli’s eyes slowly open as the view of his bedroom ceiling fills his sight. He feels a tear roll down his cheek, outlining the bottom of his ear. The empty feeling fills his heart again and it clenches around nothing. He holds his breath as he moves his hand to pat the other side of his bed.
His hand is just met with the soft comforter of his bed, Childe’s side empty. The breath he was holding becomes hitched in his throat as he remembers that Childe doesn’t rest there anymore. Closing his eyes again, he swallows the lump in his throat.
After a few deep breaths, Zhongli gets up from the cold bed, walking to his wardrobe to pull out his clothes for the day. Opening the mahogany doors, he reaches out for a shirt that was on a hanger, but stops as he briefly brushes against other shirts that aren’t his.
Zhongli clenches his fist, prying his eyes off of the dark red shirt. He quickly grabs his own shirt, as well as the other parts of his day clothes. Getting dressed, he tries to ignore his thoughts that lead him to remember his dream. But it’s hard when everything he sees reminds him of it.
He descends the stairs and into the hallways that lead to the offices and reception of the Wengsheng funeral parlor. This is the first time he traveled from his bedroom all week. He catches a glimpse of Hu Tao at the reception counter and quickly walks further into the hallway, hoping she didn’t see him.
Zhongli quietly goes into his office and shuts the door with a click. He looks around the empty office. By no means was it literally empty, though. Everything was just as it was since the day he had really done any work. Which by now was probably around three months ago. His coat still hangs on the coat rack. His shelves are still lined with the many books. His collection had grown over the years he spent with Childe.
At one point, Childe had just started gifting him many books whether Zhongli had wanted them or not, telling him that these books just reminded Childe of Zhongli. He sits down at his desk and turns on the lamp, illuminating the dark stained wood.
Ah.
As soon as the light reaches across his desk he realizes this was where he put the framed photos of him and Childe. Zhongli grabbed the one that showed them at Wanmin. It was the day Zhongli gifted Childe a pair of chopsticks and taught him how to use them. The picture depicted Childe with a bright smile plastered on his face as he finally got the proper technique for holding them, Zhongli’s gaze fond as he sits calmly across from his love.
“Give me your hand, Childe,” Zhongli holds out his own as Childe places his hand in the gloved palm.
Zhongli rested one of the phoenix chopsticks in between Childe’s thumb and index finger. “This one is the bottom one. It doesn’t move, it just stays rested here. Use your third finger to balance it,” He explains, placing the other on top, moving Childe’s thumb and index finger to pinch it. “Now, pinch this stick with your fingers and move them around.”
Childe then moves the two sticks up and down, like a crab’s pincers. He smiles, looking at Zhongli proudly. “Look at that, Xiangsheng, I can use chopsticks!”
Zhongli just smiles as he hears Xiangling come up to their table. “Oh! Mr. Childe, you’re using chopsticks!”
He nods, still smiling, as he tries to pick up a jade parcel from his plate. Successfully he holds one up to show Zhongli, smiling proudly. Zhongli returns his smile with a soft, fond gaze.
Xiangling had then snapped a picture, the clicking of the camera startled Childe, making him drop the parcel. It was… better times. Now that he actually thinks about that, this picture was taken only a couple months ago.
Gently, he takes the frame and lays it face down on his desk. He does the same to the other frames he has of Childe in them. Zhongli sighs, starting to zone out on the papers scattered across his desk.
It’s been 3 months. To Zhongli, 3 months shouldn’t be a lot of time, considering he is immortal. However in his 6000 plus years of living these 3 months have felt like years. Time has gone by so slow. When will it be over? This endless emptiness, the longing he has for someone who’s not there. When will it be over? When will he be free?
A knock at the door startles him out of his thoughts. “Zhongli? I’m coming in,”
Hu Tao then opens the door, peeking her head into the room before closing it behind her. So she did see Zhongli try and sneak past her.
“Are you doing better today?” She asks, walking up to his desk.
He watches her with empty eyes, not knowing how to respond. Nor does he trust his voice. Zhongli doesn’t remember the last time he had talked. He watches Hu Tao’s eyes glance over his desk, her eyes finally landing on the turned over picture frames, her lips form into a thin line as her eyes meet Zhongli’s.
“Zhongli…”
He avoids her eye contact, glancing down at his hands. He feels shameful. Zhongli has had plenty of time to get over this… mortal’s death. Yes… he was just another mortal. Just another mortal that was just a phase in his never ending lifespan. Childe was a phase. Just a phase. He had to have been.
But why does it hurt this much?
Hu Tao clears her throat. “I can understand you, Zhongli.” She begins, referring to her grandfather. “I know what it’s like losing a loved one. What helped me was the thought that my grandfather wouldn’t want me to be sad for too long. And I feel that Childe would want you to continue living for him. He wouldn’t want to see you sad. He would want-”
“Stop.” Zhongli firmly says, putting a hand up. His voice came out deeper and louder than he meant it to. He sees Hu Tao flinch from the corner of his eye. He sighs, putting his head in his hands.
“Sorry…” Hu Tao mumbles.
Zhongli takes a shaky breath, trying to ignore the tears forming in his eyes. “No, I should be apologizing. I did not mean to be rude.”
Hu Tao just nods, turning back to open the door. “Also, I heard your friend was in the harbour. A bard. Xiao came by earlier to drop some food off for you. The bard was there with him.”
Venti.
“I see,”
Zhongli regrets knowing that information. He had gone back to his room and decided to open the curtains, but was only met with the view of Venti waving to him from the ground.
“Zhongli! Come to Mondstadt with me! It’ll be good for you,”
Zhongli just glares down. “I will pass.”
“C’mon! It’s been a while since you’ve visited. I even came all the way to Liyue to get you,”
Zhongli just shakes his head. “I have other things to attend to,”
“Like what? Sulking in your room?”
A chord snapped in Zhongli’s mind. It felt like the ocean was roaring in his ears as all other sounds were blocked. As much as he hated it, Venti was right. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to get out of Liyue. He has barely even left the funeral parlor since that day.
“I take your silence as an agreement.” Venti chirps. “We should leave now if we are to make it there by sunset.”
That’s how he ended up at the Angel’s Share on his 5th drink late into the night. Venti by his side acting as he does, talking the ear off of the poor bartender.
Finishing his current drink, he wishes that he was able to get more drunk. Due to his adeptus anatomy it took a lot of alcohol to get him as drunk as Venti is. However, he wants to forget. He wants to forget everything.
A couple more hours pass as Zhongli downs drink after drink. He now feels the constant buzzing in his head, his eye sight becoming unfocused.
“Venti. How are you paying for all these drinks? Your friend here had more to drink than you did,”
Venti’s mischievous smile that was plastered on his face from annoying Diluc vanishes. “He ordered more than I did?”
“Yes,” Diluc nods, taking the empty cups from the bar. “Will he be the one paying for it?”
Zhongli squints at Diluc. “I’ve forgotten my… wallet.”
Diluc sighs. “Then who’s gonna pay for your drinks, sir?”
Zhongli sits up, glancing around. “Childe will. Venti, we invited Childe, correct? Where is he?”
Venti winces, a heavy silence falls amongst the bar.
“Childe?” Diluc asks, glancing at Venti.
“Zhongli,” Venti shakes his shoulder, ignoring Dilucs inquiry. “Childe didn’t come with us.”
“Why not? Is he back in Liyue?” Zhongli asks, standing up on shaky legs.
Venti quickly steps over to Zhongli, trying to keep him steady, ignoring Diluc’s suspicious stare. The tense atmosphere makes it awkward for Venti. What was he supposed to do? He couldn’t be the one telling a drunk Zhongli that his boyfriend is dead.
He couldn’t even do it the first time.
“Venti,” Diluc’s warning voice comes from behind the bar. Damnit. Turns out he couldn’t try to sneak away.
“Just… put it on the traveler’s tab,”
Diluc just sighs, rubbing his forehead with his hand. Venti takes this as a sign to leave.
Venti obviously wasn’t going to take this man all the way back to Liyue. But at the same time, he couldn’t just keep Zhongli beside him. Zhongli was drunk and not in the right state. Maybe the Knights of Favonius headquarters would be open still.
It's late when Zhongli wakes. He looks around the unknown room with squinted eyes, the moon light burning his eyes. How much did he really drink?
He slowly gets up and pads his way to another door in the room, which he hopes is a bathroom. He sighs in relief when it is. He switches on the lights, but instantly regrets it. It feels like someone is banging his head with a hammer.
Who knew he could feel the effects of a hangover with his adeptal anatomy. Though could this mean his becoming more mortal? That was his goal. Zhongli wanted to blend in with humans and… be one.
Looking in the mirror, he does not look like himself. His upkept appearance is now smeared and his hair is draped over his shoulders, not pulled back anymore. It brings back memories…
“Zhongli, why do you have your hair pulled back so low?” Childe asked one day, twisting the older’s hair around his fingers. “It’s just as long, does it not get in the way?”
“Well if I didn’t, it would be everywhere. It’s easier to just tie it this way.” Zhongli replies, straightening out his tie, looking over himself in the mirror.
Childe just nods, continuing to comb through Zhongli’s hair. It’s… relaxing, Zhongli thought. He continued to mess with his outfit in hopes of stalling so Childe would continue-
Zhongli winces as Childe pulled his hair a bit too hard. “Oh, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to tug that hard.”
“It’s alright,” Zhongli glances into the mirror at Childe standing behind him. He looks… concentrated. “Childe? What are you doing?”
Just as Zhongli asked, Childe backs up a bit, smiling at himself. “There. I braided your hair,”
Zhongli raises a brow, turning around to face Childe, then glancing over his shoulder to see the braid resting on his back.
“It’s… different,”
Childe laughs, wrapping an arm around Zhongli’s waist, bringing him closer. Placing a hand on his cheek, Childe gives him a peck on the lips. “You’re so pretty,”
Zhongli finally blinks, tears staining his cheeks. His appearance is not… pretty. Glancing down, he looks around the counter. Then the drawers. Under the sink. And in the small storage closet, finally finding a pair of scissors.
Turning back to the mirror, he grabs a strand of his hair and with shaky hands, he cuts it.
By the time he’s done, he drops the scissors on the ground, joining the pile of brown hair on the floor. His hair is now short and choppy. It feels… light. A short lived moment of lightness was amazing. But now Zhongli is drawn out of his head and the realization of what he did comes to light.
More tears continue to pool in his eyes, his hands feeling behind his neck to check if he really had cut all of his hair off.
It was gone. The last thing that he could use to remind him of Childe… it’s gone.
He destroyed it. It’s his fault. All over again… it’s his fault.
Zhongli stumbles out of the bathroom, the pounding in his head coming back as he grips the doorframe. He needs some air. So, he trudges to the doors that lead to the balcony.
Once he opens it, the cool breeze hits his face and a moment of peace comes to him again. And once again, it’s short lived as he remembers the cool breeze on the beach.
He wishes he could go back there with Childe… just one more time.
Just one last time.
“Zhongli?”
Just one last time he wants to see him.
“Zhongli!”
It feels like a dream when he suddenly feels the rush of wind and the drop in his stomach. Was there a voice? It must be Childe’s. He’s finally getting his chance.
Just one last time… let me see him one last time.
“Zhongli?” A knock came at his office door.
“Come in,” Zhongli responds, looking up from his papers.
Hu Tao’s face does not hold its usual mischievousness. “I need you to follow me.”
Zhongli’s eyebrows furrowed, confusion evident on his face as he got up and followed his boss into the lobby to find Xiao, Ganyu, and… Venti. All crowded around the front desk.
“I’ll be upstairs,” Hu Tao commented.
“What’s going on?” Zhongli asked, looking around for Childe. It was a very grim atmosphere and Childe not being there was unsettling to him. He suddenly wanted to hold Childe.
Xiao approached him, his hand outstretched holding a Starconch.
Zhongli didn’t move.
“Take it,” Xiao said. “Childe wanted me to give it to you,”
In that moment he felt the wind knocked from his lungs. He was suffocating on invisible words, trying to keep his anxiety at bay.
“Could Childe not give it to me himself?”
“Morax.” Ganyu had said, grabbing his attention. “I-”
Venti suddenly held up his hand, interrupting Ganyu. “Zhongli. Childe won’t be able to give it to you. Nor is he returning from his work today.”
Zhongli gulped. “Did he have to go overseas?”
Xiao sighed. “I decided to go near Guyun today because I heard there was an assassin that was hired to take a well-known person of power down. And that person was going to be investigating something there. Eventually, I found the assassin and it didn’t take me long to figure out who they were there to kill when I saw Tartaglia there.”
Zhongli’s lips pressed into a thin line, the ringing in his ears begin to grow louder.
“At one point, I was trying to keep tabs on both Tartaglia and the assassin. I lost sight of the assassin when I saw Tartaglia walk away from his guards closer to the beach. I was… confused. I didn’t understand what he was doing until he turned back around with this in his hand.”
Zhongli looked at the Starconch in Xiao’s hand again.
“Then suddenly the grin that was on his face went away and he dropped to his knees and I saw blood appear and soak through his shirt-”
“Xiao.” Ganyu puts a hand on his shoulder. Xiao doesn’t flinch away.
“I… I’m sorry, Morax. But I want you to know that Tartaglia thought of you until…” Xiao paused. “He told me that this was for you and that you shoulde keep it close… so you’ll always be with him.”
Zhongli’s hands were shaking so much as he took the shell from Xiao’s hands. He picked it up like it was a flower petal and will easily break. His grip had loosened on the shell and his knees buckled.
Zhongli jolts awake. He felt… light. It was the peaceful lightness again.
The wooden ceiling above looks fairly familiar. Looking around, he sees plants hanging near the windows. The shadow cast from them make spots against the light wood. The bed he rests on is soft. The white sheets are almost too bright.
Zhongli glances around the room and frowns when he sees the empty chairs by his bedside.
Where was Childe? Childe was always by his side no matter what happened. And now that Zhongli had passed… why wasn’t Childe here waiting for him?
“Zhongli.”
Hearing his name, he turns his head to see Xiao at the end of his bed.
“Xiao…” Zhongli’s voice is hoarse, strained as he tries to cough. “You died as well?”
The eye contact from Xiao becomes intense. He bites the corner of his lip. “Zhongli. You’re not-”
“Xiao,” Zhongli’s voice is louder this time, almost how it normally sounds. “You weren’t supposed to die as well.”
Xiao has to look away from his old friend. He couldn’t take it…
“Where’s Childe? You might have seen him. He must be waiting for me,”
Zhongli tries to sit up, but his arms aren’t yet strong enough. Suddenly, Xiao is by his side, his hands clenched into fists.
“Stop.”
Zhongli furrows his brows. “Xiao… I don’t understand-”
“Just stop it!”
Xiao’s shout had surprised even himself. “Zhongli you aren’t… you aren’t dead.”
“What?”
Xiao sighs, kneeling now, hunched over, his eyes staring holes into the bed sheets. “You didn’t die. Venti saved you from falling. You’ve been unconscious for three weeks. How is that even possible! You’re an adeptus for celestia’s sake! Just what have you been doing to be in this bad of a state?!”
Zhongli lifts a hand and puts it on Xiao’s back, trying to comfort him. “I… apologize.”
The silence that follows is heavy. Xiao’s shoulders seem to curl into his neck, fighting the tears that threaten to spill.
“No… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” Xiao sighs, standing back up. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
Zhongli fiddles with his fingers. “I just… Just one last time.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s too much.” Zhongli gulps, the memories of how it was like to live without Childe. “It’s too much with out him.”
Tears well up in Zhongli’s eyes as he looks up at Xiao. “Please…. Just kill me.”