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When Kakashi finally awoke, it was to blinding lights that lingered behind his lids even when he shut his eyes against them, and the intense smell of bleach that felt as though it’d been burning his nose for a while already, leaving it dry and sore with each inhale.
It was safe to say that he woke up miserable upon noticing where he was.
He was in the hospital.
Kakashi hated the hospital. He hated that the majority of his generation, when admitted into one (if they even made it that far), didn’t make it back out. He hated that the meals they brought to him three times a day shouldn’t even be identified as such. Hated the stench that clung to him no matter how many times he showered after leaving. Hated the lack of privacy, for just about everyone seemed to visit whenever he happened to be admitted.
Most of all, Kakashi hated the waste of his time, which could have been used on more important matters – that needed to be spent on more important matters.
ANBU was kicking his ass, but he couldn’t really complain. It kept him busy, distracted and was exactly what he needed, especially around that time of year when everything got just that little bit darker for him.
People – those who were once his friends though now felt more like acquaintances who couldn’t fully understand – tried their best to help lighten that darkness, and Kakashi could feel that they really did try to reconnect with his heart. But it simply never worked and only served to increase that inescapable sense of isolation, like he would never truly be on the same wavelength as the rest of them anymore. It was at that point where it was easier and oftentimes better for his mentality avoiding them.
Running his hand through his hair and grimacing at the odd texture on his scalp, Kakashi spared his stiff, bandaged hand an exasperated glance before sighing.
As much as he hated the predicament he was in, he was well aware that he’d basically asked for the Hokage’s interference that time. Prior to the mission that landed him in that hospital bed, the older man had insisted (he was no longer asking) that Kakashi take a break in the lead up to the anniversary of Rin’s death. He supposed it only made sense that he was being left to heal naturally rather than with the use of medical-ninjutsu – in the state he was currently in, going out on missions wasn’t possible, neither was moving about or caring for himself. Of course, the fatal wounds were mostly healed, but anything that wouldn’t result in his death, was not. Merely treated or reset.
What was he supposed to do now?
Kakashi toyed with the idea of escaping, though knew ultimately that it was a pointless ideation that wasn’t even worth entertaining. The chances of his going unnoticed were too unlikely, as was his remaining hidden with people like his friends searching for him (at the Hokage’s insistence).
A polite knock on his door had him belatedly realising his ever-present mask was missing, causing a minute pang of sickening dread to course through Kakashi until he settled on compromising. Heaving another sigh and raising the thin, scratchy blanket to cover the lower half of his face, he muttered his decency.
“Kakashi-senpai,” greeted his teammate. He hesitated in the doorway for the briefest of moments (unnoticeable to anyone who didn’t know him as well as Kakashi did) before seemingly getting his act together, promptly entering and shutting the door behind himself. “I brought you this.”
“A gift?” he drawled with false cheeriness. “How kind of you, Tenzo.”
Unable to gather the motivation to inform the younger man he didn’t possess the energy to entertain any guests, Kakashi remained silent as Tenzo further entered his hospital room, glancing around.
“With the way your friends worry about you, I would have assumed they would be here,” he told him, unprompted. “Don’t they know, Kakashi-senpai?”
“No.”
It would stay that way, too. With it being so close to Rin’s anniversary, they would get all kinds of ridiculous ideas into their heads that no amount of confrontation could absolve. The last thing he needed was any of his old friends feeling obligated into hanging around more than usual, particularly Gai, who was already lingering as horrendously as his odour after an intense workout.
They were trying to be good friends. They were. But… He just wasn’t feeling it anymore.
“I see.”
Had Tenzo read between the lines? Did he understand that Kakashi simply wanted to be left alone?
He was dismayed to find that wasn’t the case when the brunet set the bag down onto his covered lap and sat down beside the bed.
Mentally heaving a sigh at the notion of having to humour the younger man and whatever was going through his head to cause such a pensive expression, Kakashi spared a glance down at the bag. He knew it was for him, but to sit up and open it in that moment meant to reveal his face. That was a huge hard limit for him, even with teammates.
But stunning Kakashi to the extent of forcing himself to remain indifferent, Tenzo told him, “I took the liberty of grabbing you a few spare masks. I assumed yours would have been removed since it was mostly destroyed.”
Then, as though that gesture wasn’t big enough, the brunet made it a point of looking away, going as far as to turn in his seat. Even when Kakashi purposely took his time in reclining back against his bed and opening the bag, Tenzo didn’t even twitch. Just continued to wait.
“Thank you,” he murmured once decent. “You can turn around now.”
Something akin to disappointment flashed through those dark eyes when Tenzo drank in the new mask, followed by a sheepish smile as he admitted, “I couldn’t find the one you usually wear–”
“This is fine,” Kakashi assured him, eyes creasing.
In reality, it was more than just fine, though he wasn’t sure how to articulate why to his subordinate, who was still so young and, in some ways, naïve. Although Orochimaru, Danzo and ANBU had all taken parts of his childhood and forced Tenzo to grow up faster than he should have, there were parts that remained, in some odd way, pure. It was an innocence Kakashi had always strived to protect from the very first day he met him.
“I heard that they weren’t healing you fully,” Tenzo spoke up after several long, silent moments.
“How?”
“The squad was overlooked for a mission of our specialty. Upon questioning, Hokage-sama stated it was due to the extent of your injuries.” Tilting his head fractionally, he assessed his body calmly, stating, “While extreme, the medic-nin assigned to your care are more than capable of healing them, which leads me to believe you are being forced to stay here.”
Refusing to show his aggravation towards his own shitty situation, Kakashi muttered, “Good detective skills.”
Really, the longer he spent in that hospital bed awake (and it hadn’t been long), the more he pondered whether it would be worth disobeying orders (or in his case, punishment) by simply leaving. What further damage could he sustain in his apartment, since either way, he was off the mission roster? What exactly was the Hokage going to do?
“I…”
Eyebrow quirking briefly at the way Tenzo fell silent in whatever he’d been about to say, Kakashi gave him a couple of moments to collect himself, all the while wondering why he appeared so uncertain. For as long as he’d known the younger man, he’d been fairly confident in his abilities – abilities that continued to astound Kakashi each time he witnessed the brunet tapping into that hidden potential and proving to them all that he was so much more than an experiment. It was his emotions, his heart, that pushed him forward.
Was it what pushed him into his next offer, Kakashi wondered?
“I know basic medical ninjutsu,” said Tenzo and he inched forward, proving his point by the green glow that encased his hands after several seals were made. “It is nothing spectacular – just enough to aid my teammates should we run into trouble.”
Holding back the urge to frown at the new information, he asked like any captain worth his salt would, “Why have you never shared this with me before?”
What had him growing more laidback in the scolding he should have given him was the way Tenzo’s cheeks coloured with embarrassment, the colour only darkening as he admitted, “I’m not that good at it. I wanted to hone my skills more before putting it to the test, especially in front of or on a superior such as yourself, Kakashi-senpai.”
While he was his captain, unless out on a mission, he wasn’t to be addressed as such for obvious reasons. Still, hearing the honorific senpai attached to his name always seemed so… different with Tenzo. The younger man had seen him in many sorry states, after all and had come to his aid just as many times as he had for him.
“Go on, then,” he encouraged with a weary sigh, settling himself back comfortably. “I suppose you can practice on me.”
He gave a sheepish smile and came to his side, those green glowing hands hovering over Kakashi’s relaxed body.
“You know you could get into trouble for this, don’t you?” he questioned him in a low drawl, taking note of Tenzo’s determined stance and steady flow of chakra as it trickled into his body, targeting the injuries that were keeping him from being discharged.
“I don’t care,” he was shocked to hear, the lowness of his subordinate’s voice causing his brows to pinch together. That shock only continued to grow as he discovered Tenzo knew way more about him than he realised. “You shouldn’t be told how to handle the loss of a friend,” Tenzo told him resolutely, evidently troubled as he frowned down at his own hands. “And to force you to stay in the hospital to prevent you from dealing with the grief in your own way – even if it is unhealthy – is wrong.”
Orochimaru and Danzo had really done a number on him, Kakashi thought to himself numbly, just as he had many times since becoming his captain. Although to others Tenzo appeared as calm and collected, he’d seen otherwise. He was perhaps the only person to see otherwise.
Offering a small smile, the brunet finally dared to look away from his task, growing more confident as he stated determinedly, “So, if I get into trouble for wanting to support you while you grieve in your own time, then so be it.”
That was…
Ducking his head in response to the shocking rush of emotions coursing through him, he told him gruffly, “…Thank you, Tenzo.”
It was exactly what he needed.
Not pushy friends who were trying to distract him or quicken the grieving process. Not the Hokage who was forcing him to face the grief head on.
Tenzo was a rare breed indeed, Kakashi thought to himself, eyes shutting with relief when that crushing solitude lifted ever so slightly.