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There didn’t seem to be much that Kakashi could say to change his mind.
For weeks now he’d approached Tenzo and ensured to do so at a different angle each time, wishing for at least one reasoning for staying in Konoha that would resonate with him. Alas, it didn’t. Nothing he said did. For some reason his mind couldn’t comprehend, he was dead set in his plans of leaving.
“It’s for the best,” Tenzo explained for the umpteenth time, though sounded no more exasperated than the first time. “This isn’t only to protect Konoha – it’s to protect everyone.”
Kakashi didn’t mean to sound like a child being left behind. He didn’t mean to sound so put out. It was simply that… Well, a lot in his life had drastically changed in the past few weeks since the war ended and to make matters worse, he was unable to get back out there on missions to distract himself. Paperwork didn’t have half the desired effect and he repeatedly caught himself zoning out, only to be brought back mercilessly by his student’s ferocious and remarkable temper as she demanded his attention.
“You think you’re the only one capable of watching over someone like Orochimaru?” Kakashi drawled in response, hands deep in his pockets more to keep them still than anything else.
Irritatingly, he felt like he was gradually beginning to toe his way out of his league. Not so much with Tenzo’s leaving, but with life in general. Being Hokage was no walk in the park like naïve children believed it to be, and he sincerely believed that without Shizune or Sakura there to ease him into the role during such monumental change for the entirety of the shinobi world, he would have struggled endlessly – and that was before taking his mental well-being into consideration (he was now reluctantly facing his own demons, wishing to be the best version of himself for the village).
Hell, Kakashi’s head felt as though it was still spinning from the revelation of Obito being alive, heart still aching like he’d watched him die all over again only moments prior to this conversation. More friends and comrades he’d cherished were either dead or no longer able to continue life as shinobi – to some, that was worse than dying and plunged them into the deepest depressions that he knew he couldn’t help with. It was a journey only they could take.
Was he really cut out to be Hokage while in such a state?
Truth be told, he accepted and stuck to the decision for two main reasons: to fulfil Obito’s dream and to protect Sasuke from the repercussions of his criminal activity. Tsunade was a great Hokage and she protected them all to the best of her ability, but Sasuke didn’t mean to her what he meant to Team Seven. While he didn’t doubt how far she would go for him, Kakashi wanted to personally make sure that everything and more was done for him.
“He is Konoha’s responsibility,” Tenzo reminded him, prompting Kakashi to sigh as he remained in the doorway to the brunet’s room, leaning against the frame. “You said yourself that we need someone experienced to lead the platoon watching over him.”
Yes, but he hadn’t meant Tenzo specifically. He just happened to be present for that particular meeting with ANBU when Kakashi presented the dilemma to them all. Speaking to the organisation more as their continued comrade than their leader now, he’d expressed his concerns for those watching over Orochimaru as it would be a lifelong detainment for all involved. Rotations were an option but ultimately, those involved would be away from home for extended periods at a time. He refused to pretty up the words or lead them on false promises.
“Regardless of your reservations, I am the best for the job–”
Kakashi’s sighing once more interrupted him. “I never said that you weren’t.”
“Then why are you against this?” the brunet questioned and paused in his packing of basically everything he owned. Although Kakashi hadn’t spent a great deal of time in Tenzo’s home, it still threw him off to see it so empty now. Like another lost friend, the pessimistic side of him chimed. “You’re acting more emotional than usual, Senpai,” he added teasingly.
“Perhaps your masochism has something to do with it,” he accused lightly, but even to him the chuckles sounded fake. “Nobody else has offered to remain there permanently.”
That was what bugged him endlessly. Many ANBU operatives offered to take turns in watching over Orochimaru, but not a single one of them wanted to do so on a permanent basis or do so as captain. They demanded regular rotations so that they could continue to live normal lives between watches, so that they could see their friends and families and be there as their village reached beyond its former glory. They wanted to be there to experience the peace they’d earned–
Kakashi’s lips parted at the belated realisation.
Then, he sighed, eyes shutting reluctantly.
So wrapped up in his own warzone of a mind, he’d failed to read his companion’s cues. Tenzo was a strange man but to Kakashi, reading him was always so easy mainly because he’d never felt the urge to hide anything from him, essentially making their connection so effortless.
“You feel like you haven’t earned these new peaceful times,” he murmured, though didn’t accuse, and Tenzo’s falter in packing confirmed Kakashi’s suspicions. “Tenzo–”
“Stop, Kakashi-senpai,” he said in a rare moment of weariness before glancing over at him and sighing heavily. “This is my choice.”
His redemption, was what his eyes really said.
There was nothing to redeem – it wasn’t like Tenzo strode up to the enemy and willingly offered up the secrets of his body for their use. He was abducted and exploited for his jutsu. However, Kakashi understood to an extent the kind of guilt and possibly even a sense of violation that left weighing down on his shoulders, especially when he took his murky past into consideration.
“I will be the one in control,” Tenzo murmured more quietly and moved to sit on the edge of his bed, eyebrows knitting together. “Up until this point, I have never really had that.”
From Orochimaru to Danzo to Obito, all just as ruthless as the first who came along to strip Tenzo of his freedom. They all manipulated him or used his body and techniques for their own agenda, never once taking the man whose freedom they were robbing into consideration.
Why hadn’t he considered that?
It was unforgivable of him to overlook such a thing.
Kakashi inhaled deeply and came to sit beside his friend, eyes drawn to the constant rigidness of Tenzo’s muscles until they reached the tightly clasped hands dangling between his knees, shutting at the sight of the death grip he had on himself.
Tenzo’s choice to permanently watch over Orochimaru wasn’t his chance at redemption, as he’d previously foolishly believed. It also wasn’t a martyr act. It was a man who’d been used and tossed away like trash for decades of his life, who was subjugated to torture and experimentations, desperately attempting to reclaim control over his body and life.
How far back had Obito set him by so carelessly using Tenzo during the war?
Knowing that it was his friend who did such a thing to him…
Smiling faintly, he told Kakashi in a softened voice, “Sakura was talking to me about her wishes to open a mental health clinic for children.”
Many were already backing the goal, himself included. There were a disheartening number of shinobi in both their generations who could have benefitted from mental health services, and Kakashi longed to give the new generations better chances of a happier and healthier life. They couldn’t continue their cycle of loss and anger and vengeance – they needed change and it warmed his heart that Sakura had taken her experience on a team of those who had desperately needed such assistance to heart and used it as her incentive to make that change.
“It’s made me realise that I also need to heal,” Tenzo continued with a small, sheepish smile.
“You can’t do that surrounded by people who care for you?” he asked lightly without really wanting an answer, for Kakashi already knew why he needed to leave.
“My first solid memory that I can be certain of is with Orochimaru,” came the answer he’d predicted. “I was trapped and had no control over anything that went on.”
“But now it’s going to be the opposite.”
“It sounds sadistic, but I need that.”
“It’s not sadistic,” Kakashi assured him quietly, heart sinking as he realised he couldn’t force him to stay. Not if this was what Tenzo truly needed to be able to move forward in his life. “You need to heal in the way that works best for you. Sakura told me that.”
The smile was grateful and warm, Tenzo’s shoulders relaxing.
Although Kakashi continued to wish that he remained by his side, it made it easier to accept now that he knew the reasoning behind his comrade’s choice. The only issue that lingered like an awful, bitter taste in the mouth was how extreme Tenzo’s decision really was.
“Permanently, though?” Eyebrow quirking, he looked down at him from the corner of his eye, adding, “You’ve realised that someone like Orochimaru doesn’t know when to die, right?”
“Good,” the brunet responded simply and stood once more to finish the small amount of packing he had left to do. “He’s committed enough crimes to last several life sentences.”
Without a shadow of a doubt, however it was due to the severity of his crimes that many accused them of being too lenient on the Sannin. Honestly? Kakashi agreed to an extent and part of him would always remain on edge knowing that there was a chance of Orochimaru turning against them again. Someone like that would never adhere to the rules and limits of his incarceration. However, due to his being a criminal of all five nations and Kakashi being more focused on Sasuke’s sentencing, he’d allowed the other Kage and their predecessors to have a larger say, using the weak excuse that Orochimaru had done them all wrong, not just Konoha.
Naruto had fulfilled his promise of bringing Sasuke home. Sakura had exhausted herself to the point of collapsing stabilising the two of them to make sure they made it home. Now, it was Kakashi’s turn.
“I haven’t appointed a captain yet,” Kakashi noted with a weighty sigh.
He stood up to join Tenzo in packing the rest of his belongings (knowing he wouldn’t decline the offer since they were so comfortable with one another), though his hands stilled in the process immediately when he came across his ANBU mask. The sight of it filled him with nostalgia, bringing forth all the memories of their time together on Team RO.
A hand came to cover the mask and gently lowered it, bringing Kakashi’s straying attention back to Tenzo. His expression was peaceful, warm and damn it, as badly as he wanted the brunet by his side, he couldn’t deny him that chance of confronting his past and healing from it.
“Please, Kakashi-senpai,” Tenzo needlessly encouraged him. “Order me to leave.”
“Only on the basis that it’s not permanent,” he murmured in response, and in a show of affection he was used to experiencing by now, Kakashi reached out to cup the other man’s cheek, relishing and greedily soaking in the blush that darkened Tenzo’s cheeks. “Come home when you’re ready.”
I’ll be here.
Smiling faintly, he nodded.
“Tenzo,” Kakashi began and sighed again, the dull ache in his heart enough for him to know it would be a while before he saw his constant companion again. It wasn’t even like he could leave the village to go and visit either, what with his being Hokage. “I’m appointing you as captain. I need you to watch over Orochimaru and his underlings and report any suspicious activity or breaches in his incarceration.”
Dark eyes brightened, always eager to please him and do everything Kakashi asked of him. He simply hoped that also meant he would listen when he told Tenzo to come home, that it wouldn’t be permanent like he suspected it being.
“You leave tonight.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I…” The silence was deafening as Kakashi’s words trailed off and he was reminded once more that he was saying goodbye to another precious person in his life, but he soon remedied the sickening discomfort his empty, quiet apartment created by lowering his lips to Tenzo’s in a final, goodbye kiss, reminding them both, “I will see you soon.”