Chapter Text
Soyong's pov
“My child…” Soyong murmurs.
She has lost her voice in recent days. She can hardly speak a proper word. Her eyes are dry and burning. Her hands keep settling on Yung-Jun’s face, caressing him.
“How beautiful and adorable you are,” Soyong quietly repeats over and over to herself.
Then she smiles. The most bitter smile that she’s ever experienced in her life. It has been two days since Yung-Jun left the world. And it’s exactly two days since Soyong felt like she had died inside. Her mind is empty and her heart is broken. Her whole world seems barren. She wants to hold Yung-Jun and listen to him breathe again, like just two days ago. But all she can do is sit and watch him peacefully sleep for eternity.
Soyong still vividly remembers the day Yung-Jun was born. The delivery was painful, much more painful than when she was injured and almost lost him. She was so tired and weak because of the labor pains. After hours of battling she finally heard Yung-Jun’s cries. With no hesitation, the royal physician handed her child over to her. Never in her life had Soyong ever felt so delighted and thankful. She caressed Yung-Jun in her arms and instantly forgot all the pain that she had to endure. It was just gone.
Shortly after, Cheoljong entered the room with teary eyes and quickly ran to Soyong’s bedding. They both looked at their child and silently thanked the heavens for giving them the most beautiful miracle they could wish for.
Yung-Jun had been doing well in his first five months. He had a good appetite and steadily gained weight. Soyong often sat in the pavilion with her son to enjoy the beautiful sunshine and the view of the lake. Yung-Jun would lightly stroke Soyong’s hand, and she felt so grateful to have such a beautiful family – a precious son and a loving husband. She felt the bond between them grow stronger every passing day. She realized that the bond between mother and child was the purest bond in the world. The most unique bond one could find in this lifetime.
But Yung-Jun suddenly fell ill. He vomited and cried often. He wailed so much that he grew tired and fell asleep while crying. The royal physician couldn’t determine the cause of his ailment, and told Soyong and Cheoljong to prepare for the worst-case scenario.
Time seemed to stop at the moment Soyong heard these words. She desperately looked at her husband, who was fit to burst into tears but tried to stay calm in front of her. The following days were hard for everyone. Soyong could feel the pain that her son had to endure. She told herself to stay strong for Yung-Jun, but her heart broke into pieces.
Then that fateful day came. Soyong cannot forget it. She and Cheoljong spent the entire night beside their son’s bedding, as they were afraid the moment they took their eyes off him, they would lose him forever. Nevertheless, it came as it should have. Yung-Jun peacefully drew his last breath in Soyong’s arms. She refused to believe it until the royal physician confirmed it. Soyong knew her life had irrevocably changed at that moment, and she could not fathom how to continue. She heard people crying around her, but she didn’t understand anything. She was lost.
----
The greatest loss that a person can experience is the loss of a child, Soyong learns. It doesn’t just change her. It demolishes her. Soyong is not her old self anymore. She becomes a distant person to everyone, even to Cheoljong. It has been a while since they last saw each other. In fact, she avoids Cheoljong since she doesn’t know how to face him and talk to him.
She knows they must now build a life in which Yung-Jun does not exist, but she feels the need to keep him alive in her heart and memories. She doesn’t have the will to move forward. She can’t.
Soyong now despises living in the palace, since memories of Yung-Jun can be found everywhere. Memories play such a very confusing role, she thinks. They make people laugh when they remember the time they cried and make people cry when they remember the time they laughed.
As time passes, rumors start to spread in the palace that Soyong can’t bear an heir for the King. Both she and Cheoljong know this is not true and they only need time to recover from their tremendous loss. But they both also know they are running out of time. The pressure from the court is becoming more substantial day by day.
Soyong can see the worry on her husband’s face. She knows Cheoljong is strong and she appreciates that he always tries his best to comfort her. But there are days when she senses that he’s broken beyond repair and she can feel the hurt in his being. She loves Cheoljong so much and regrets that she can’t do much to relieve his stress. She can’t even help herself. She is engulfed by her pain here and misses her old days outside of the palace. The days when she was carefree and lively. But she needs time, like most people do. She just needs time to learn how to move forward, Soyong convinces herself.
“Your Highness, how was your night? Did you sleep well?” Hong Yeon’s voice greets Soyong as she wakes for the day.
“Hong Yeon-ah, was the King not here last night? I fell asleep so early,” Soyong inquires.
Hong Yeon looks somewhat disheartened. “Your Highness, His Majesty spent the night at the royal villa with Suk-ui Min,” she murmurs.
Soyong thinks she heard her wrong. She even asks to confirm it twice.
“How can you…? It’s only been three months since our child passed,” Soyong whispers to herself as she stands up and hurries over to the royal villa. Court Lady Choi and Hong Yeon nearly lose their breath in chase. The moment Soyong arrives outside, Cheoljong is on his way out of the royal villa. Soyong stands there stunned, feeling like her world has been turned upside down. Her heart aches. Cheoljong broke his promises. He broke her trust.
“I know that I’ve been difficult. I know I have neglected my role as a wife recently. I hoped you would understand and we would get through this together. But here you are. You knew what you were doing and how it would hurt me. And you still did it,” Soyong berates Cheoljong, who stands frozen before her. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even explain. Tears run down her cheeks as she walks away without looking back.
Wonbeom's pov
How fragile one’s happiness can be. One day you are the happiest person in the world and the next moment you are an empty shell who can barely function.
For Wonbeom, his family is his whole world – his beloved wife and their beautiful little boy. He dearly cherishes the first moments he had with both of them. He first met Soyong in the palace on a rainy day before he proclaimed her as his future Queen and wife. That fleeting moment was enough for Wonbeom to feel an inexplicably deep connection with her.
Later Wonbeom kept his promise to his unborn child and welcomed him into the world. For many hours, he paced behind the closed doors to Soyong’s chambers, going mad upon hearing his wife’s pain-induced wails. At last he heard his little prince's first cry and tears of joy appeared in Wonbeom’s eyes. His family grew that day. He was finally not lonely.
Soon he was allowed to enter the room and he rushed to his exhausted yet elated wife.
“Welcome to us, Yung-Jun. We waited for you for so long,” Wonbeom greeted the prince, his voice trembling. He caressed the boy's small tuft of hair and leaned in to kiss his forehead.
His son looked so small and fragile that when Soyong asked if he wanted to hold him, Wonbeom hesitated for a moment. But he decided to have courage and carefully received little Yung-Jun from his wife’s caring hands. The prince looked like he was drowning in his father’s big arms, but he was comfortable enough to not wake up and continued to sleep peacefully.
“Thank you, Soyong-ah,” Wonbeom kissed his wife on her forehead. “Thank you so much!”
She of course teased him for being overly sensitive and grateful. “This is my son too, don't act like it’s a gift for you alone.” But his gratitude wasn’t only for that.
He was grateful to have her by his side.
He was grateful she found the strength to overcome all obstacles and survive.
He was grateful she was able to forgive all his past wrongdoings.
Thank you, for loving me.
Thank you, for giving birth to our son.
His beautiful world started to crack the moment he first heard about his son’s poor condition. Wonbeom abandoned all his work and cancelled all his meetings and conferences. As a husband and father, he had to be by his family's side.
The following days blended into one long painful one. He and Soyong didn't leave their son's side, not even for a moment. Yung-Jun seemingly vanished before their eyes, looking more and more fragile and pale with every passing day. Hearing his painful cries was unbearable, but the silence that eventually followed was far more horrifying. At that moment, Wonbeom forgot how to breathe.
Only when the royal physician confirmed that their beautiful little boy had passed away, was the silence broken. Wonbeom remembered how he shouted at the royal physician, threatening to behead him for such a malicious and false conclusion. He remembered how angry he was at Court Lady Choi and Hong Yeon for sobbing so loudly. He was barely aware of his own tears running down his face and dropping on his red dragon robe, which he had not changed for days. How dare they accept that lie! How dare they mourn the prince when he was still alive!
When he finally turned around to face Soyong, who was still rocking their baby boy in her arms like she was in some sort of trance, Wonbeom realized that he had to admit it first. Carefully, he tried to take the child away from her arms, so the attendants could start preparing everything that needed to be done. But Soyong refused and held the prince tighter to her chest.
“Soyong-ah,” Wonbeom pleaded. He tried to give his voice confidence he did not possess any longer. “Please, you need to let go. Please...” he begged her over and over until she finally gave up and let them take their son away.
Wonbeom doubted that Soyong heard his comforting words or noticed that he hugged her tightly, caressing her back to soothe her pain. On that day, he lost her too.
----
When Wonbeom looks into Soyong’s eyes, they are vacant. After their son’s passing, he knows that she is just going through the motions when she eats or takes walks in the gardens. Sometimes they would talk and he feels she understands what they are discussing, but the very next day she forgets it completely.
Soon Wonbeom’s attempts to comfort her become a burden for Soyong. She starts to avoid his company, preferring mourning their loss alone. He could not do that himself. After losing most of his family members at a young age, he hates to be left alone. He needs her help to overcome their tremendous loss.
But Wonbeom decides to put her feelings first and step away. He loves her too much to selfishly pressure her and seek any comfort from her. He comes to her bedchambers often, but never goes inside. He wants to be as close to her as possible without crossing the invisible line she has drawn between them.
His ministers slowly begin to bring attention to the fact that the country is left without an heir. Yet again Wonbeom finds himself in the role of a breeding horse in the eyes of his court. What was the point in changing half of the ministers after defeating the Kim and Jo clans? Their unsympathetic brains only care about how many nights the King spends in his wife's chambers. He tries to silence their concerns, but it becomes harder with each passing day. Soon the ministers will demand to depose Soyong, accusing that she’s broken beyond repair. They have no use for a Queen who can’t manage to fulfill her main duty in providing a healthy heir to the throne.
After careful thought, Wonbeom decides to go against his principles in order to buy some time. He resolves to finally visit his concubines so the ministers would leave Soyong alone for the time being and let her grieve in peace. But he has no intention to actually sleep with them. So Wonbeom asks Director Hong for a special item – a sleeping powder. His wedding night with the Queen taught him not to rely on alcohol since his companions may refuse to drink too much.
His attendants suggest that Suk-ui Min is the most suitable to spend the night with first. Wonbeom highly doubts they actually studied their compatibility, and assumes they chose the woman they thought is the most attractive. Maybe they believe that she’ll manage to awaken his desires. If Wonbeom is honest with himself, even his beloved wife couldn't succeed right now, as his wounds are still too deep.
Suk-ui Min greets him in her chamber in the royal villa, sporting bright makeup as always. But he notices her uneasiness. Behind the mask of makeup, she’s just a young and inexperienced girl. But Wonbeom is a master of wearing masks himself and he dons one that very night. He’s nice and courteous. He jokes and teases. He asks her to relax and drink some jasmine tea to relieve any tension. Soon enough Suk-ui Min falls asleep on his shoulder, leaving a bright red lipstick mark on his white night robe.
Everything goes quite well, Wonbeom thinks. He knows that his attendants have prepared a whole schedule detailing which concubine he has to visit and when. They will all share the same fate – only chaste harmless sleep. For some time that would be enough, at least until they raise their concerns and share that they don't recall anything from nights spent with the King. But for now, Wonbeom has to warn Soyong about his scheming. He was in such a rush to plan the evening that he forgot to speak with her first.
To his horror, he catches sight of Soyong as he is about to leave the royal villa. He freezes in the middle of putting on his shoes. His hair and robes are a mess, and the red lipstick marks on his collar are evident as well. He put in a lot of effort to feign a romantic night with the concubine. But it was all an act for others, not for Soyong to see.
He would never forget her words. He would never forget her eyes full of hurt. He betrayed her trust and he knows it will be hard to explain himself later. He can’t do it now or his efforts will be in vain. So he keeps silent and lets her hate him for the time being.
Watching her leave, Wonbeom wonders when this nightmare will end. And if his world will still be able to stand its ground after enduring so many cracks on its pillars.