Chapter Text
He never felt any pain. He didn't even feel fear. The only thing he could do was wonder if he was ever going to see his partner again. If he was ever going to hear his voice. If he was ever going to see his face. He wanted so badly to see Esposito at least one more time. If this was the end, he needed to at least tell him. He had to let him know.
He was vaguely aware of people running around. He heard noises and yelling. He could see flashing blue and red lights and he felt people around him, touching him. Someone was talking to him, but if it wasn't Javi, he didn't care.
He tried to call out for him. He tried to say anything, but the words weren't coming out the way they should. He couldn't get his voice to work. He needed to see Javi. He needed to tell him.
~.~.~
“Wow.” Beckett said softly as she and Ryan walked down the street, each with a cup of coffee in their hands.
“Yeah.” Ryan said, keeping his eyes on the ground.
“The whole time?”
Ryan merely nodded.
“I can’t believe I never noticed.”
“Well, it’s not like I stood on my desk and announced to everyone that I’m in love with my partner.” Ryan rolled his eyes. “I just never said anything because… well, what am I supposed to say? I’m not sure I want everyone in the precinct to know about me anyway. And besides that, Javi’s got Lanie, so where would that leave us? Every day would be awkward and Lanie would look at me weird and I just don’t want to have to deal with all that.”
They were both silent for a while as they walked past the mass of people rushing around the streets of New York.
After a while, Beckett spoke. “I think you should tell him, Kev.” She said.
Ryan stopped walking. “Tell him?”
Beckett stopped as well and turned slightly to look at her partner. “Yes.” She said.
“Are you out of your mind?” Ryan asked exasperated. “I can’t tell him.”
“Why not?”
Ryan spluttered a bit. “B-because of all the things I said. Plus, what if the feeling isn’t mutual? It’s better left alone, Beckett. He doesn’t need to know. No one does.”
“Then why did you tell me?”
Ryan gave her a long look. “I… I dunno, I guess I had just… been holding all that in for too long and I needed to tell someone.”
“And why couldn’t you have told him?”
Ryan swallowed. “I told you, Beckett, because you’re the only one who won’t look at me differently. Everyone else would make it a big deal, especially Castle, but I know you’ll still treat me like a cop and you won’t tell anyone. You won’t, right?”
Beckett gave a small sigh. “No, I won’t tell anyone.”
“Thank you.”
“That’s not to say I don’t think you should tell Esposito, I just know that this is your life and if you want to keep it a secret, that’s your business.” She took a step toward him. “But, Ryan, I still think you should tell him. I really do.”
Ryan gave a small smile. “Maybe I will. Someday.”
Beckett smiled back.
“You wanna head back to the precinct?”
“I’m actually meeting Castle for lunch.” Beckett replied. “He wants to take me somewhere expensive for our anniversary.”
“Beckett, you guys haven’t even been married a year yet.” Ryan raised an eyebrow.
“It’s not that anniversary.” Beckett rolled her eyes. “Castle likes to celebrate every anniversary we’ve ever had. I think this is the anniversary of our first date.”
“You think?” Ryan was trying not to laugh.
“God, I don’t even know anymore. Last week we celebrated the anniversary of the first time he saw me in a skirt. Castle is insane.”
“And you still married him.”
“So far, I don’t think it was a mistake, but I could be wrong.”
Ryan laughed. “Okay, well have fun. I’ll see you back at the precinct.”
Beckett waved to him as she hailed a cab. As Ryan walked away, Beckett could practically feel the sadness seep from his shoulders. He was so lovesick, it hurt. She honestly wished she could do something for him, but if he didn’t want anyone to know, she couldn’t do anything about it. She wasn’t about to betray his trust. As she opened the door of the cab and was about to step inside, she heard it.
The sound of the actual crash wasn’t that loud, it was the car horn that first caught her attention. As was human nature, she turned toward the direction of the noise, for some reason wanting to see how bad the crash was going to be.
It was pretty bad. One car t-boned another and they were both off to the side looking horrible.
But it wasn’t until she saw a limp arm near one of the cars that she realized someone had been hit. Being a good citizen and knowing she could keep a cool head in situations like this, Beckett decided Castle could wait a few extra minutes. She shut the door of the cab and jogged over to the crash site where people were shouting and panicking.
“Okay, everyone, just calm down.” Beckett shouted. “Let me see what-”
The blood drained from her face and her legs suddenly felt like jelly.
Lying on the ground in a pool of blood with one arm sticking at an odd angle, was her partner.
“Ryan!” She yelled, getting her legs to move over to where he was. She knelt down, vaguely aware that blood was seeping into the knees of her jeans. “Someone call an ambulance now!” She screamed.
Ryan was unresponsive and Beckett had to take a few deep breaths. She couldn’t panic now. Ryan needed her.
A few minutes later, she could hear the sirens in the distance and thanked whoever was out there that they were here and Ryan still had a pulse.
She was gently pulled away as the paramedics needed space to work on Ryan. She answered any questions thrown at her, but wasn’t paying much attention as she watched her bloodied partner being moved around by strange people.
“We need to get him in the truck.” One of them said gruffly.
Beckett watched through tears as they lifted Ryan onto a stretcher and into the truck. More tears began to fall as she heard “He’s slipping!” and just before the doors shut, someone yelled “Clear!”
~.~.~
“Where is he?!” Esposito yelled as he burst through the doors.
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to lower your voice, we have sick people on this floor and I can’t have you disturbing them.” A nurse said, raising her eyebrow at him, daring him to talk back.
“Esposito.” Beckett said from behind him.
Everyone seemed to be there. Castle, Alexis, and Martha as well as Ryan’s parents and one of his sisters, the other was probably on a plane to meet them there, and Lanie.
“What happened? Where is he?” Esposito asked.
Beckett hugged herself and heaved a sigh. “It happened so fast, Javi.” She said in a small voice. “I didn’t exactly see it happen. I just turned around and he was on the ground. Someone said he was crossing the street and I guess the car came out of nowhere. H-he’s in surgery right now.”
Esposito was gritting his teeth. “Was… was he still alive when you saw him?”
Beckett nodded. “Barely.” She said.
Esposito nodded once before walking over and sitting in the chair next to Lanie. “So, we just wait then.”
They waited in silence, all too afraid to make conversation. They’d been waiting for god knows how long before a doctor approached them.
“Family of Kevin Ryan?” She asked.
They all stood maybe a little too quickly in their eagerness to find out if Ryan had survived.
“Is he okay?” Esposito asked.
She gave Esposito a slight smile. “I don’t know if okay is the right word, but he did survive the surgery and is stable. He’s still not conscious, but we’re hoping he wakes up soon. As for injuries, he has a broken arm, two broken ribs, multiple lacerations, and internal bleeding. If he wakes up, the recovery will be long and difficult.”
“If he wakes up?” Esposito asked.
The doctor gave him a long look. “He also has a severe head injury. I’m thinking he must have hit his head on the pavement causing the blackout. His head injury is the most worrisome. We’re more sure he will wake up than not, but there is a chance that he could slip into a coma and not wake up at all. If he makes it through the night, we expect a full recovery.”
“Can we see him?” Castle asked.
“Well, I think we should start with just family members.” She said. “And then the rest of you may see him. Also, I should ask, which of you is Javier?”
“Uh, that’s me.” Esposito said, raising his hand slightly.
“They told me to let you know that your name was the first and only thing he said. I would suggest you try to be here when he wakes up. He was in a state of panic looking for you and I think once he wakes up he’ll want to see you most of all.”
Esposito didn’t know what to think. On one hand, he felt his heart swell with pride that he was so important in his partner’s life. But on the other hand, Ryan had called out for him and he wasn’t there. He hadn’t been there to save him.
“We’ll start with family first and then I’ll come back to let the friends in.” The doctor gave a smile and led Mr. and Mrs. Ryan and their daughter through the doors.
Everyone else sat back in their seats.
“Do you think he’ll be okay?” Alexis asked her father.
Castle put an arm around his daughter. “He’ll pull through, kid.” He said softly. “This is Kevin Ryan we’re talking about. He’s been in tougher situations and he always pulls through.”
Esposito wanted to believe Castle’s words, but he couldn’t lie. He was afraid. You better pull through, Kevin. He said to himself. You better not die on me.
The Ryans took about fifteen minutes to see Kevin before coming out of the room. Mrs. Ryan was crying and the three of them went to find something to eat. It had been a few hours since anyone had eaten anything and, as Martha pointed out, starving wasn’t going to help Ryan at all.
A nurse came by to lead the friends to Ryan’s room. Esposito took a deep breath before the door was opened.
Ryan looked like literal hell. His arm was in a cast, he had bruises everywhere, and there was a bandage around his head. The heart monitor was really the only indication he was alive.
“You have about fifteen minutes.” The nurse said softly before shutting the door to give them privacy.
Esposito gritted his teeth as he stared down at the broken form of his partner. He didn’t want this to be the last time he saw him. He didn’t want to remember him this way. He wanted those bright blue eyes to open. He wanted Ryan to sit up and tell him the worry was for nothing and he was just fine. He wanted anything but his unconscious partner lying before him looking like death.
Beckett took a step forward and slowly took Ryan’s uninjured hand. She gave it a small squeeze. “You better pull through, Ryan.” She whispered.
After a few minutes of everyone just staring, which was rather strange when one thought about it, Martha spoke up.
“Let’s go get something to eat.” She said softly. “And leave Detective Esposito alone for a minute. Anything we can get you dear?”
Esposito looked at Castle’s mother with gratitude. “I’m alright.” He said.
She nodded and opened the door to let everyone out. They murmured their goodbyes to Ryan and suddenly Esposito was left alone. He pulled up a chair and sat next to his unconscious partner.
“You son of a bitch.” He whispered. “Didn’t your mother ever teach you to look both ways before crossing the street? Isn’t this why they teach you that in the first place?” He sighed and put a hand to his forehead. “Well, you’re not gonna die. I’m not gonna let you. I swear to God, if you slip into that coma, I’m coming here every day and I’m gonna pull you out of it.” He sniffed. “I’m not losing you, Kevin. I can’t.”
The door opened and the nurse stepped in. “Time to go.” She said softly.
Esposito sighed and stood. “We said till the wheels fall off.” He swallowed. “I’m not letting ‘em fall.” He turned and lightly brushed past the nurse.