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It’s a strange feeling to have your life changed entirely in a matter of moments because the truth is that even though your world has tilted on its axis, everyone around you just continues on with their lives, completely unaware.
Bucky was already well-acquainted with this feeling, especially with the whole brainwashed-assassin-from-the-40’s thing, or even the World War II veteran thing. Maybe just the PTSD thing.
If he really thought about it, though, he knew that in the last few moments, his world might have changed, but it wasn’t really that drastic. Sure, he found out that his feelings for Sam were very much reciprocated, and that was a little mind-boggling, but he knew that what they had now wasn’t that different to what they’d had a month ago, or a week ago- even just half an hour ago.
Yeah, maybe this time last week they wouldn’t have been walking with their fingers intertwined back toward Sarah’s house, but they still would have been close. Maybe Sam would’ve had his arm around Bucky’s shoulders, or maybe Bucky would’ve let their arms brush just a few times and pretend like it was nothing.
His life had been altered, but just a little bit.
“Buck?”
Bucky was yanked back to the present at the sound of Sam’s voice. They’d made it back to the house, and were standing in Sarah’s living room. Bucky had been so lost in thought he hadn’t even noticed.
“Hm? Sorry, I was just thinking.”
Sam squeezed his hand. “That’s okay. I just asked if you wanted to sleep on the couch again, or…”
Sam’s voice trailed off and Bucky was struck with the realisation that this was something they could do now, because they weren’t just friends, or partners, or coworkers. They were...something else.
“I, uh…” Bucky almost laughed at his sudden nervousness and how ridiculous that concept was. “We could...if you wanted, we could share? I mean, not the couch, but-”
“My bed?” Sam offered, his mouth twitching up into a smile.
“Uh, yeah. I should be okay, my nightmares are getting better, but I might wake you up, and I don’t want-”
“No,” Sam cut him off, “I don’t care about your nightmares. I want to share- if you’re okay with that.”
Bucky pressed his lips together, but only to stop himself from laughing uncontrollably at the fact that he and Sam- both grown men who’d faced things a sight scarier than this- were clearly nervous. And about what? Sharing a bed?
“Yeah, I’m okay with that,” Bucky said, barely suppressing his laughter.
Sam led him up the stairs and into his bedroom, their hands still linked.
After an awkward few minutes of getting ready for bed, they were finally laying there, under the covers, not touching at all.
Bucky was staring up at the ceiling, biting his lip and wondering why the fuck they were making this so awkward. He considered rolling onto his side to face Sam, but promptly decided against it because how the honest fuck would that make things less awkward, James?
Bucky did, however, look over at Sam to find that he was already staring at him.
“I’m really fucking nervous,” Sam blurted, and Bucky broke out into a grin.
“I can tell.”
“Fuck you!” Sam yanked the pillow from under his own head and swung it toward Bucky, who brought his arms up to defend himself. “Don’t act like you’re not nervous, too.”
“Of course I am!” Bucky laughed, still defending himself from the battering being inflicted upon him by Sam and his pillow. “I just don’t get why it’s so awkward!”
Sam stopped harassing Bucky with the pillow to stare at him incredulously.
“Are you fucking kidding me? It’s awkward because I told you I’m in love with you!”
“Yeah, but I said it back.”
“That just makes it more awkward!”
“Why?” Bucky asked, his voice suddenly quiet.
“Because...it’s different now? Things have changed, because now I see the way that you look at me and I actually know what it means.”
Sam’s voice was a quiet whisper and Bucky felt his heart swell; a sensation he’d grown accustomed to when he was around Sam.
“But things haven’t really changed, have they? I’ve been looking at you like this for a long time, Sam,” Bucky admitted, and Sam’s eyes softened and he replaced the pillow under his head. “We’re still Sam and Bucky, the only thing that’s different is that we don’t have to hide from each other anymore.”
Sam was silent for a long moment, and Bucky was vaguely aware that it had been a long time since he’d maintained this kind of eye contact with someone.
Sam rolled his head back to stare at the ceiling. He closed his eyes.
“How long?”
Bucky didn't have a proper answer to that, because truthfully, he didn’t know.
When did he fall in love with Sam Wilson?
Was it really that night when they were talking about Riley? It didn’t feel like it. He was too sure of it for that to have been the moment he started falling.
Maybe it was when he told Sam about killing his own family. Maybe it was when Sam held him after Madripoor. Maybe it was when they rolled through the field, or during that couples’ therapy session? Maybe it was when Bucky watched Sam be given the shield, or when Sam stood with him at Stark’s funeral after spending an hour convincing him to go.
“I have no idea,” Bucky admitted, staring up at the ceiling because he couldn’t handle the way Sam’s eyes had turned back toward him. “I realised I loved you the last time I was here, when we were talking about Riley, but it started before then. I don’t even know when, but...by the time I realised it, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind, so...I think it was a long time.”
Bucky let silence fill the gap when he finished speaking, letting Sam process.
“I realised it in Madripoor.” Sam’s voice was quiet, apprehensive. “I saw you pretending to be the Winter Soldier again and all I could think about was how strong you needed to be for that. I realised that you are the strongest person I know and I was just so...proud. I wanted to be there for you, to see you grow and support you and...I just realised that the things I was feeling for you weren’t exactly platonic.”
Bucky’s breath hitched. Madripoor. Sam realised in Madripoor . He’d seen Bucky at his worst and realised he loved him. Bucky knew Sam saw the best in people- Karli was proof of that- but shit .
Suddenly, Bucky realised something that he hadn’t exactly thought about before they’d climbed into bed together. It seemed like something that he shouldn’t have ignored, but now here they were, and he didn’t- what if-
He turned his head to look at Sam, who was, unsurprisingly, already looking at him.
Bucky thought about how ridiculous it was that he could go from being so bubbly and light to suddenly feeling like there was a weight wedged in his heart, and a panic oozing into the pit in his stomach.
“Sam-”
Bucky’s words caught in his throat because Sam was looking at him with those eyes that saw everything and more and- fuck Bucky loved him. But he knew what he had to do and he knew he had to do it before anything...else happened.
“I can’t have sex with you.”
Sam stared at him.
“ What? ”
“I can’t. I’m not ready, and-“
“Wait, wait, wait-“ Sam rolled onto his side to look at Bucky properly, incredulous. “Where did this come from?”
“I thought- Well, I thought you’d want to, but I can’t give that to you, and I wanted you to know before this goes anywhere else.” Bucky could hardly stand the intensity of Sam’s eyes.
“Bucky…” Sam looked at him the way he always did- with kindness and gentle understanding, that Bucky sometimes wasn’t entirely sure he deserved. “Was that where you thought tonight was gonna go?”
“I- maybe?” Bucky shrugged, turning to look back at the ceiling. Even now, looking at someone who saw as much as Sam did could be overwhelming. Maybe it always would be. “I didn’t know where tonight was going, but I mean like in the future. If you- if we ended up in a relationship, I think you deserve to know that sex isn’t on the table right now.”
Sam was quiet, and Bucky was anxious. He knew that Sam wasn’t going to react badly- of course he did because it was Sam - but he was still worried because what if -
“Hey,” Sam began, pulling Bucky away from the spiralling path his brain had been on. “Can I hold your hand? Is that okay?”
Sam didn’t move, just waited for Bucky’s response, gentle as always.
Bucky rolled onto his side to face Sam, offering up his right hand for Sam to slip his fingers into. Bucky wondered if Sam’s touch had always been so comforting, or if that was a new thing.
“Can I come closer?” Bucky whispered, and with Sam’s consent, moved toward him until their knees were almost touching and Bucky could feel Sam’s warmth against his own body.
“Okay,” Sam breathed, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment before he looked back at Bucky, “first things first, I just want you to know that I did not plan on us having sex tonight, okay? That’s uh...quite a lot faster than I am ready for.”
Bucky nodded. He hadn’t exactly expected sex to be on the cards, but it was still reassuring to hear.
“And, look-“ Sam gave his hand a squeeze, “I know sex means a lot to some people, but it doesn’t to me, okay? I don’t mind if you’re not ready now, or even if you’re never ready. It doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
Bucky just stared at Sam for a moment.
“You don’t mind?”
“Of course not, Buck,” Sam reassured him, bringing his other hand up to clasp Bucky’s hand, a supportive grip. “I love you, with or without sex.”
There was no rational reason for Bucky to get emotional over something so simple, but here he was, eyes burning and throat tight. He wanted to pull Sam closer, to hold him and to be held-
“Sam, can I- can I kiss you?” He asked, and Sam smiled like Bucky had given him a gift.
“Of course.”
They met in the middle, pressing their lips together softly and Bucky couldn’t believe how long he’d gone without kissing Sam Wilson. It was slow, unhurried, and it was beyond perfect, just because it was Sam that Bucky was kissing.
He didn't realise until he withdrew that his metal fingers had found their way to Sam’s waist, bunching in the material of his t-shirt and pulling them ever closer to one another.
Sam pressed another gentle kiss to Bucky’s lips, and Bucky realised that he wanted to be able to have this every day.
“Sam, what does this- what are we?”
Sam took a moment to think before he laughed. “I’d usually say boyfriends, but that feels a bit…”
“High school?”
“Exactly.” One of Sam’s hands moved to rest on Bucky’s chest, just above his heart. “Partners?”
“I’m assuming you mean more than work partners-“
“Yes, dumbass. I mean romantic partners.”
“Then yes. I like it.”
Sam grinned and ran his hand down Bucky’s side. “I love you, Buck.”
“I love you, too.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Oh fuck you, did you just Han Solo me?”
“Not exactly- wait, how do you know about Han Solo?”
“I’ve seen Star Wars, Sam.”
“If I wasn’t so tired, I’d argue and say that there’s no way you watched all nine without me knowing about it.”
“Well, we’ll argue in the morning, then,” Bucky mumbled, eyes already falling shut. “Goodnight, Sammy.”
“‘Night Buck.”