Work Text:
2nd Day of the Lone Moon
Adrestian Encampment
Dear Diary,
It’s a new beginning for both of us, I guess, since I left my previous diary at the school, never to return.
Hm, what should I tell you about me? Well, you should know that I, Ferdinand von Aegir, have always been ready to take on the world. My goal in life had always been to make the Empire the best it could be. As a student at Garreg Mach Monastery, I have (had?) always taken my studies very seriously to prepare myself to be the Prime Minister of Adrestia. I know that my father has done unsavory things in the process of becoming the most powerful Prime Minister in Adrestia, but I have always been determined not to follow his path. Anything I received, it would be because I earned it.
But… I cannot possibly wrap my head around the last few days. My life has changed immeasurably. Inconceivably.
On the 29th day of the Pegasus Moon, Lady Rhea had led me and my classmates into the Holy Tomb with their professor in tow. She had seemed to be anticipating something, excitedly talking about the professor fulfilling her destiny. My stomach churned, watching this ominous scene. Lady Rhea didn’t seem to notice anyone except the professor, almost obsessively pushing her to sit on the throne. Whatever was going to happen, I had a grim feeling that something terrible might happen.
But as the professor sat on the throne, nothing came to pass. Instead, Lady Rhea started wailing, screaming uncontrollably. She was upset that nothing had occurred? What was supposed to happen?
And then, all of a sudden, there was a loud noise in the Holy Tomb. The sound of fight coming to them. They had been attacked. The tomb had been raided.
By Edelgard.
Edelgard?
At that moment, everything that I had thought I had known had crumbled before my eyes. As I beheld Edelgard, the ferocity in her face, the passion in her voice as she spoke against the church… was that what she and Hubert had hidden behind their smiles? Behind the smirks that they had both given me as they whispered to each other? At that moment, I realized that I was a boy playing at school, and she was a woman who had plotted the coup of the Church of Seiros because they had abused and manipulated their power. I had watched it, passively, but had never even considered the idea of standing up to their power.
Everything came at me too quickly for me to comprehend. There was combat in the tomb – me and the other Black Eagles against her, our liege – at Rhea's orders, and once it was all over, the professor had sided with Edelgard – which shocked me to my core – and they were all swept into Hubert’s Warp spell. It had all been orchestrated and carefully prepared. So that’s what they had been planning over the past year? So that’s what they whispered about when no one else was near?
The striking realization hit me. The pit in my stomach grew, and my sense began to be overwhelmed with anxiety as I became aware of a heavy truth. For Edelgard to seize power, she likely had to do something about my father. Could he be dead, I wondered? She had never seen it fit to share information with me about this. It was upsetting. Baffling.
When I approached her about my father, she looked at me so coldly, looked me straight in the eye, and said, “I imprisoned your father for his crimes against the Empire.” I wish I had been able to argue with her, but she was right. The testiness in her voice implied that I should feel lucky that she was not arresting me too! What have I done wrong, aside from being the son of a wretched man?
But at that moment, by the gods, she was beautiful. Despite the way she dismissed me, her condescending stare... I couldn’t help but be captivated by that glint in her lavender eyes! I cannot help but look into those piercing eyes and see the intensity. I wish I could bring joy to them instead of the anger and sorrow that she seems to hide behind them. I have never seen joyful smile on those lips. At best, it was calm, measured, scripted tolerance. Fake friendliness.
She is an adult, and I am a child. A spoiled, rotten, inexperienced child. A woman who is going to war vs. an infant.
And yet, day by day, I grow more and more infatuated with her. I feel like a puppy, constantly asking her for attention. The day that she slammed me on the ground in the duel, I felt this surge of admiration -- no, something more -- for the first time. Despite my inadequacy, I find myself wishing that I was worthy of her love. She is powerful, strong, and not afraid of anyone, and her beauty enraptures me every time I see her. In the previous diary that I left behind, I tried to pen poetry to honor that beauty, but it was always so… bland, unworthy of her.
But she did not deem me fit for her trust. She and Hubert plotted all of this behind my back. They did not see it fit to include me in their plans. I assumed I would be included in any Imperial plans. More fool me.
Sigh. What a lovesick fool I am. Edelgard imprisoned my father, brought my Empire into war. Shouldn’t I hate her, or at least fear her?
But instead, here I am, pining over a woman who hates me. I am truly pathetic.