Chapter Text
There are words one cannot say aloud
they are too painful
and too dangerous
to be heard
And I know you want to hear
them
but you never will.
You hold me so high that sometimes
I can f e e l
the starlight through my fingers
You hold me so high in your mind
but it is all lies,
hidden behind a thin veil
woven from
lies I tell myself.
1) I am Vulcan.
2) I am a good first officer.
3) I am a good friend.
Lies that we both know are superficial
n i c e t i e s
Because the truth is too painful
the truth is too dangerous
to be heard.
Your smile is torture
When you look at me with those
crystal blossoming irises,
my heart swells
but then twists
because you will never be mine.
you never were.
Your hair is the color of honey
smooth and rich
similar to the substance I put in my tea
I know you are disappointed, always disappointed
because I can never be
what you want me to be
human.
But I am not Vulcan either
which seems to define my very existence
to be one or the other
there is no in between
Unlike a proper Vulcan, my eyes
they find yours across the bridge
and I let myself stare
because this is all I have
prolonged glances and a distance between us I will
never
be
able
to close.
There are times when I want to scream
and cry and beg for
you
to take my hand and then tell me everything
is going to be okay
and then, maybe, I will actually
believe that it could be.
There are times when the water rises and
my world is drowning
I am drowning
and I pray with all of my soul that you will pull me from
the deep oceans of my mind
that you will wrench me out of the
SUFFOCATING darkness
and hold me in your arms
but you never do.
and I wake up alone
g a s p i n g
for breath and frantically thrashing against the
sea of sheets, lost in the darkness
that consumes me
It has gotten more difficult
to be around you
to be in your presence
without exploding into a million
J G E
A G D
pieces because the pressure is so much.
Every second is a test of my endurance
how long can I survive with these unsaid words impaling my soul?
It hurts to breathe
every breath is like tearing open a stitch in my heart
a new wound that is constantly
burning
inside me
I cannot stand to be alone with you
It hurts me and I know it hurts you
to see me in pain
because even though I try to hide
it,
you know just as well as I do
it is there
But you do not why it is there or
what is causing it
If I told you, you would want to cry
your face would contort
like a pretzel
and you would try to act tough
like it did not hurt you like it hurts me
to know
how deeply I care for you
It is like a disease, a plague
I should soon expect to vomit flowers
into the toilet,
feel them wrap around my lungs,
squeeze the air from them
until
I ceased vomiting flowers
It would be less painful than the anguish
you put me through with one stare
every day
I am aware you know "something is up"
I have been avoiding
you
for 32.87 days
I cannot do it Jim
I cannot be around you when I am like
this
When I am in love with you
which is always
I know you do not feel the same
"Flirting" is not real
It is human nature
You do it quite often
with everyone
and I am jealous
I want to make it stop
Please, Jim
H E L P M E M A K E I T S T O P
please, Jim.
help me
before the flowers do
I live in an ultimate curse
always beside you but never with you
just a few paces away but worlds apart
good friends but also strangers
And I know you see me as
your confidant
always there for you
and
despite how much it
H U R T S
I will always be at your side
as if I have always
been
and always will be
I will not tell you how much it
H U R T S
because you do not deserve to hurt
like I do
you do not deserve to suffer
like I do
so
you
will
never know
I will nod and be at your side
like I always am
forever
and you will be happy
which is all that matters
even if I am not
There are words one cannot say aloud
they are too painful
and too dangerous
to be heard
And I want you to hear them
Captain.
Jim.
T'hy'la.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I cannot live with you Jim
nor can I survive without you.
Yours, forever and undoubtedly,
𝓢𝓹𝓸𝓬𝓴