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Buck risks his life almost every minute he is in the job and most of the time, he loves it. Every time he climbs a building or fights a fire adrenaline pumps in his veins and he comes alive. His heart beats harder, his muscles hurt, his breath gets faster, his hands lead the way, his eyes focus with laser precision allowing him to see what he never can see, and his brain shuts up.
The quietness engulfs him leaving him alone with his body and his actions.
He loves it. He needs it
And then, when he is done and the victim is rescued, euphoria takes over, people praise him, televisions show the great moment on screen, everybody talks about him.
And more importantly, people see him
It becomes a drug he takes again and again because he has nothing to lose
People would survive without him, the world would keep spinning and nobody would remember him.
Except for that person, the one he saved
And then he goes to his home and reality takes over
She is always there, waiting, looking at him with puffy, reddish teary eyes but full of rage, fury, and terror.
She stays there, looking at him tall in her short stature, small and so big at the same time, as impossible as it sounds.
She remains still with her fists closed at each side of her body perfectly fitted in one of her smart, black dresses, the ones she uses for work.
“How could you?”
She asks for the thousand times since they got together as it became the thing that repeats again and again. Buck does something reckless, she gets scared, they fight and then they try to forget with fast and furious sex.
Rinse and repeat
Or perhaps this is the last time, this is when she realizes she isn’t done for this, she can’t stay with him and watch him almost die.
Maybe today is the day when she decides he isn't enough
“I was doing my job”
That is his usual answer, the one he gives to anyone who asks. Reporters, Bobby, Maddie, Taylor… He has said the same thing so many times that doesn't mean anything anymore. Shallow words that sound good enough in his head even if they aren't
he starts crying. Loud, long heartbreaking sobs breaking havoc through her body like an electric current making her tremble and jump. Buck could punch himself until destroying everything and anything that made her cry like this.
She usually has her own bunch of shallow words, something about him having to be more careful or something like that. Buck forgets every time
“I can’t”
She says this time, changing the script and breaking his heart in the process
Should he beg?
He expects her to leave, but she stays there, waiting for him to do something, anything. Instead he remains silent, looking at the ground while she cries softly
The shame and guilt eat him up, merciless with his own pain and wounds.
He deserves it for making her feel like this
Why?
He will lose her and he will deserve it.
She finally moves and Buck braces himself for the goodbye that never comes
Shockingly she turns on her heels and goes to his room
Frozen and confused, he can still hear her cries while he debates with himself what to do next.
The noises coming from his room are softer, shy, something she never is. She sounds sad and defeated.
She has given up.
He finds her curled on his side of the bed as if she was already mourning his absence as if he was already gone and this wasn’t his bed and she didn’t love him anymore.
Something breaks inside Buck,
His heart beats harder, his soul hurts, his breath catches in his throat, his feet take over, his fears lead the way
“Can I lay here?”
It’s his bed and his house, but he wants her to consent, wants her to make place for him, to take him back.
She doesn’t answer, just grabs his hand and drags him with her. He goes willingly, weary of what might happens next, afraid of touching her and breaking the truce, but she is pushing him down until he is laying on the bed and she on him, holding onto him as if he was her lifeboat
“You almost died and left me here…”
“Taylor…”
“No” she interrupts furious, grabbing his face to effectively forcing him to look at her eyes “I need you to understand… I can’t live without you… I don’t know why do you seem to think nobody would miss you… but I need you to know that we will. That I will miss you because I fucking love you and… I…can't...”
What can he say to that.? He wishes he could change, he wants to promise that he’ll stop being reckless and stupid but they both know that won’t happen
But for the first time, he believes it. That he will be missed, that he is loved, that he is needed, that he is seen.
“I love you too, you have to know that” he holds her with the same desperation she is holding him and realizes he can’t lose her either, no really.
She has to believe him
“I know” she whispers before she lowers herself until her head is at the same place his heart is.
He knows what she is doing because she always does the same
“ Just listen to my heartbeat, ok?”
He begs in a whisper
He hopes it’s enough