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He always wondered what he could give her.
At first, he had to admit, there were times where he had felt indebted to her. In hindsight, it was very clear to him that without Shiki, he wouldn’t have had a chance in the world at winning that first Game. He owed her his life, in a very literal sense. But he also owed her his world. His world, which was once solitary and silent, had finally begun to expand.
There was also so much that he had taken from her. He had snatched away her second chance, stolen two weeks from her.
It was when he had got her back that he realised that underneath his guilt, he also just wanted to see her happy . And she wouldn’t want him to feel like he owed her, she was too humble for that. Overly so, he thought, because she denied being such a big part of his change. As if she couldn’t believe it, though it was truer than she could know.
Over time, as the number of days passed since his last Game grew larger, he became aware that his motivations for making her happy had surpassed almost anything else. He was still grateful for all the things that she had done for him, but he genuinely wanted to keep her smiling.
“Neku, you okay?”
Shiki wasn’t smiling at him right now, though it was nothing to be concerned about. They had stayed back in the library to do some cramming before the upcoming exams next week. He had finished his practice exercises early and had ended up watching Shiki, as her expressions morphed from concentration to panic, to relief. It was in watching her that his thoughts had drifted. Maybe he wasn’t okay...was it weird to reminisce about the girl sitting right across from him, while they were trying to survive their next few exams?
“I’m fine.” He looked around the room. The library wasn’t crowded but there were the telltale scratching sounds of the students who opted not to study at home, furiously scribbling down last-minute notes or trying to answer their last few practice questions. Then there were the students who were looking at their books with despair, probably realising only now that they began studying way too late. He wouldn’t be surprised if they had Noise following them around. “Actually, I might just step out for some air,”
Shiki followed his line of sight to also look at their hopeless peer. She winced as the kid groaned into his hands, “Yeah, we should take a break.”
They decided to sit on one of the benches outside the school building. It wasn’t too far from the football field and there were a few first-years still doing after-school practice.
“Wish we could be that carefree.” Shiki sighed, stretching her arms. “They’ve got exams too but they’re still off ‘enjoying their youth’.”
“You talk as if we’re not young anymore,” Neku said, amused.
“Oh, you know what I mean,” she nudged his shoulder with hers,
There it was. The smile.
In a way, he was lucky. He had been able to be near that smile for the last three years. They were going to graduate soon - assuming they both passed their exams, of course - and then they were going part ways.
Alright. ‘Parting ways’ might be a bit extreme. They were simply going to be doing different things after high school, so they wouldn’t be seeing each other almost every day anymore.
He glanced sideways at her, as she continued watching the other kids. One of the managers spotted them and waved at Shik, who waved back; he remembered that the girl had worked with Shiki during their cultural festival this year.
Shiki changed a lot over the years, beyond how they had grown from the Game. She was a lot more confident in herself now. She had expanded her world too, after all. She made a couple more friends in school; she was never going to be a social butterfly, she had told him, but she wasn’t going to hold herself back because she was afraid of what people might think of her or compare her to.
She was going to be okay, even without him by her side all the time and that put him more at ease to know.
That didn’t mean that he was looking forward to it, though, and he was sure that it was going to take some getting used to.
“Okay, spit it out Neku, something’s bothering you, isn’t it?” She caught him staring again.
He wanted to give her the answer. But a few moments had passed and he still hadn’t gathered the words that he needed.
“I was thinking about us graduating,” he eventually said. “We won’t be going to the same university and I was just...” Damn it, why couldn’t he think of the right thing to say?
To his surprise, Shiki laughed.
“What?” he asked.
“No, I’m not laughing at you, don’t get it wrong!” she said, quickly, frantically waving her arms around. “It’s just that I’ve been thinking about that too, lately. It’ll be weird, you know...I mean, I get that it’s the same for everyone. Every third year is going to feel weird about graduating. Like, even little things like walking home from school with you. I’m going to miss that.”
He nodded in agreement, glad that at least one of them found a way to word things.
“I’m also worried, Neku,” she continued. His face must have shown his immediate worry because she waved her hands again, “not for me! For you!”
For me?
“Like, who’s gonna make sure you go talk to new people? You’re okay but you’re still not exactly a people person. And what about if something goes wrong with your clothes? I’m not going to be there to fix it! Also, you always forget to bring an umbrella around. It’s going to be pouring with rain and then you’re going to be stuck somewhere but then you’re not going to want to wait it out. Yes, you know you wouldn’t, and then you’re going to catch a cold. Remember the last time you caught a cold? You didn’t even tell me ‘till the two days after not showing up for school! And what if - ”
Neku thought he should interrupt her but the more she listed things out, the more it occurred to him that they had been worrying about the same thing. Not only were they worried about the other but Shiki was right. What was he going to do when all of those things happened?
Maybe deep down, he knew that he might be that was more unprepared to let go of the status quo that they had going right now.
When she finally finished listing all of the things she had thought of, she was out of breath. Neku didn’t have quite as wild as an imagination in terms of the elaborate scenarios that Shiki described but he held the same sentiments.
“It’ll be okay,” he said as much to her as he did to himself. He placed his hand over hers. “We can visit each other as much as we want.”
“Just on weekends?”
“I’m sure I can manage a few weekdays too.”
“We’ve got to make sure to clear up our holidays too. We have to make sure we can see Beat and Rhyme, too.”
“Of course.”
“I’ll still do a lot of shopping with Eri but we gotta make sure we still do our shopping sessions, too, okay?”
“Got it.”
He studied her, hazel eyes reflecting him and seeping with determination. She was fully committed to making sure they could still see each other often. As was he.
“Gods, please I want a girlfriend too!”
The shout came from the pitch and Neku and Shiki stiffened.
Right, they were in public.
They turned their attention back to the pitch and the football manager was bowing repeatedly to Neku and Shiki with rapid ‘sorrys’ cut in between. The person who presumably shouted out the words looked sheepish while his teammates reprimanded him for not keeping concentrating.
“We should probably get back to studying, huh?” Neku said.
Shiki, whose face was multiple shades of red, agreed, pulling Neku quickly by the hand back towards the school building.
Neku had figured out what he had to give Shiki. It was something they had been giving each other all along. And as long as they kept giving each other their time and allowing each other time to adapt, to continue growing, then he was sure that he could keep her smile.
And Neku could keep his, too.