Chapter Text
DEAN
Everything is happening too fast, and I don’t know what he’s saying. The world is falling right out from under my feet. I can’t comprehend his words he made a deal? He made a deal? He was going to do something none of us could take back. He’s saying things, things that make my heart clinch, and I don’t know what they mean.
“You’re the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.” I want him to stop, to stop talking, I can’t take this, why is he saying these things?
“You changed me Dean…” No, no. I can’t think, I can’t handle this. We need more time; we had more time.
“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” My voice cracks, he can’t leave me, he can’t not again, this can’t be happening, we had more time.
“Because it is.” An iron fist surrounds my heart, the man in front of me, the man I would die for over and over if it meant he could be safe was giving himself up for me.
“I love you”
“Cas,” is the only word I can manage to strangle out of my throat. “Cas don’t do this.” He takes my head in his hands and he kisses me. It’s soft and hot, and I feel something filling up inside me as if he was giving me a bit of himself, and I can’t, think I can’t react. He presses one of his hands into my chest the other on my shoulder and he pushes me to the ground then everything ends.
The empty surrounds Cas consuming him in darkness. I can still see his electric blue eyes, and they meet mine, they never leave mine and I watch as the pain and fear drain from his body. I want to run to him, to scream to yell but I can’t move my body has given up. And then he’s gone, and deaths gone, and everything’s gone. Gone, gone, gone. He’s gone, and he loved me, he kissed me, and he’s gone. I lay in a huddled mess on the cold bunker ground, sobs racking my body, and I think with each wave of tears that it’ll kill me. With each raddled breath that I’ll never take another, that I never want to take another, but I keep breathing, I just keep fucking breathing. He loved me, his happy moment was loving me, and I didn’t say it back, and now he’s gone, and I never told him I loved him. He sacrificed himself for what! He sacrificed himself for a broken husk of a man, how could he love me? I feel myself draining away, the numbness makes my bones feel hallow, but too heavy to lift off the floor. Every bit of me was taken away the moment he let go of my face. I no longer feel human, I no longer feel anything it’s as if everything was disappearing as if my own body was being peeled away leaving nothing but empty flesh. I’ve felt this before this feeling that I could no longer grasp on to anything, spiraling out but before I replaced the emptiness with anger, but even the anger is gone now.
He loved me, he loved me, he loved me. Is the only thought that can keep back the darkness, the only thing that keeps me anchored to the ground, the only thing that reminds me where I am.
I don’t think I will ever be ok again; I don’t think I can survive this.