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It was slowly creeping up on him again.
It started with a feeling like his head was underwater. His ears began to ring. His vision blurred slightly around the edges. He was dissociating until every word was heard but not processed.
Luckily, Henry hadn't noticed yet. Maybe if he kept it together long enough, it would simply pass. Charles and Henry were in the grocery line at the supermarket, with a long line in front of and behind them. There was a dangerous strain of the flu going around, so people were trying to get the vaccine wherever it was available, and despite orders to stay at home to prevent the spread of the infection, everyone was out to grab as many necessities as they could, convinced that the world was ending, and the two of them had simply been caught up in it.
"Ugh! Come on! What's taking so long!?" Henry leaned on the cart, "Are they trying to buy the whole store or something!?"
Charles tried to respond, but despite his noise-cancelling headphones being on, everything was still too loud. He tried to close his eyes to block out the harsh lights, but it didn't help, and he didn't want to keep his eyes closed in case something came at him with no warning. Oh, or the line moved.
"Charles?"
Charles tried to speak, but his throat closed up as his hands went up to fiddle with the zipper on his jacket.
Stop! Don't let this happen now! Say something!
His thoughts shut down after that. Everything faded into the background. Henry's voice was barely registering among all the noise. He could feel every muscle in his body trying to tense and relax at the same time. The hand on his zipper was shaking, but he couldn't stop fiddling with it. It was the only thing he could focus on.
After a moment though, his legs began to move. Henry was gently guiding him away from the lights and the noise. The pressure eased as the world quieted. He squeezed his eyes shut as tried to focus on bringing air into his lungs. When he opened them again, Henry gently placed both hands on each of his shoulders, gazing at him in concern.
"Are you okay?" he said softly, "Can you hear me?"
Charles looked up at their surroundings; They were right outside the restrooms, which were completely deserted. Henry had asked someone in line to watch their cart for them, and even from a distance, the lights above the checkout area were giving Charles a headache, so he looked away after that.
"I was hearing you before." Charles replied, "Just didn't properly process it."
"Are you alright now?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"What happened? It was like you completely shut down."
"I mean..." Charles scratched his head, "That is what we call it. A shutdown."
Upon Henry's clear confusion, Charles sighed.
"I'm autistic, remember?"
Charles realized his hands were still fiddling with his zipper, so in a panic, he tried to force them to hold still.
Henry slowly began to nod, "So...what causes a shutdown?"
Henry didn't ask it in a condescending or overtly curious way; It was more like he was just afraid of it happening again, which shouldn't seem that crazy, but Charles was touched by the gesture regardless.
"Well, stress causes shutdowns." Charles explained, "There was just too much going on. The bright lights and the crowd of people and the noise..."
"You seem right at home in your helicopter, though. Isn't that super bright and noisy?"
"It's not the same." Charles hung his head, his fists digging into his shirt, "Sure the helicopter is loud, but it's only one sound, and it's a constant sound, like whitenoise, and the brightness usually only comes from the sun. The lights inside the chopper are relatively dim."
Henry took Charles' hands, "You know, you don't have to hide your fidgeting."
"Oh, my stimming?" Charles squeezed Henry's hands to ground him, "I just...I'm worried people can tell that something's up with me..."
Henry took his cheek in one hand, "Hey, I can tell you're distressed. Don't try and hide it. It's part of who you are, right? Why would you wanna hide that?"
Henry's patient smile made Charles' heart melt a little bit, "Thanks, Hen. Yeah. I just...I dunno. Force of habit."
"I actually find it charming when you stim." Henry's thumb traced Charles' brow, "Like you can't contain yourself."
"Well, that is kinda what it's like." Charles chuckled, "It gives my brain a focal point, and it gets extra mental energy out."
"Then why hide it?"
"Well, like I said, I'm afraid of looking weird."
Henry glanced over his shoulder. Their cart was moving closer to the front of the line.
"Tell you what, Charles..." Henry cocked his head, "You head out to the car, where it's dark and quiet. It'll give you time to unwind. I'll stay in line and get our groceries. Here's the key."
"No no, it's okay. I can handle it."
"Maybe you can." Henry swept his arm out towards the line, "But do you want to?"
Charles looked out into the crowd again. The people in line were growing impatient and restless, packing themselves like sardines to try and get the line moving faster.
The sight made Charles' stomach turn.
"Just go wait for me, okay?" Henry pat his shoulder, "I can tell you're stressed. I can handle paying by myself."
Charles deflated as he caved, "Alright. Don't take too long, okay?"
"Sure thing!" Henry stood on his toes to kiss Charles' forehead, "Don't worry, I won't be long."
As Charles stepped outside into the cool evening breeze, he was finally able to relax. He hadn't realized how tense he'd been in the crowded supermarket, like his skin was buzzing with the ferocity of a hornet's nest. Once he was in the car on the passenger side, he shut the door and pushed his headphones to his shoulders. It was so quiet, but he could still hear the crickets and voices outside. The car rocked slightly as he cranked his seat back and closed his eyes, revelling in the peace and quiet.
He felt the car rock again as Henry returned, loading their groceries into the car before he climbed into the driver's seat, and Charles opened his eyes as he turned his head towards the touch on his shoulder.
"Hey." Henry shut the door, and his voice resonated in the car, though he spoke softly, "You good?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Charles took his headset off to set in his lap, "Thanks for thinking of me, Hen."
Henry's hand moved to the side of Charles' head, brushing against his ear, which made him shiver. His ears were almost always covered by the padded headphones, so a touch there felt especially foreign.
Henry nearly snatched his hand back, but Charles leaned into it as it flinched away, and Henry knew that he hadn't crossed any boundaries.
"No problem, Charles." Henry's warm smile returned before it fell and he retracted his arm, "Do you have a better idea of what I should do if you ever shut down again?"
Charles thought about it for a minute, "Well, I think you handled it pretty well, all things considered. All I ask in the future is that you don't try to talk to me if you realize I'm shutting down. I won't be able to respond anyway, and any extra sensory input will only make it worse. If you have to talk to me, do it when you've already removed whatever's upsetting me from the situation, and try to keep your voice down. I'll be able to hear you if I can hear at all, I swear."
"Okay." Henry held his hand out for the car keys, "You cool to go home?"
"Yeah. Go ahead."
Charles put his headphones back on as Henry turned the key in the ignition. The gentle lull of background noise was soothing to him, and after his shutdown, he was tired. He had just begun to drift off when a headlight hit his eye and he jerked himself awake.
"Sorry. Shoulda thoughta my path better."
They were on the highway off ramp, heading into a four-way intersection that Charles recognized as the way home.
Charles forced a breath into his lungs, "It's f-fine."
"No, really. I know a less busy way home." Henry gripped the wheel tighter, his eyes firmly on the road ahead, "I didn't think about the headlights, but I should have, knowing what you just went through. I'm sorry."
"No, really, Henry." Charles leaned back again, "It's not a big deal. It just startled me is all. I can cover my eyes."
"But you shouldn't have to."
Henry still didn't look at him, even once the car was in their designated parking space and the engine was switched off. Charles closed his eyes again. The traffic outside was buzzing on the back of his consciousness. He knew it would bother him more once the doors were open.
"Here." Henry touched his knee, "Let's get inside, and it'll be quieter."
Henry got out of the car and hurried to the other side to take Charles' hand as he climbed out himself. He had such a headache. Shutdowns were no joke. Time itself lost all meaning as he became detached from his own awareness and every sound reverberated off the inside of his skull like a gong. Lights encompassed his entire field of view. Everything he perceived was amplified by a hundred times, and it all stopped making any semblance of sense.
Once they were inside the house, Henry brought Charles to the bedroom, where the thick canopy over his bed served to muffle stray sounds from the outside. Henry turned Charles' fan on for whitenoise and then brought him in under the canopy.
"Wait here."
Charles just lay back in the bed as he heard the sounds of Henry going back outside and returning with their groceries, then putting them all away in the fridge and cupboards. It was nice to be back in a calm, familiar place, and when Henry returned, Charles smiled and sat up.
Once seated cross-legged, facing each other on Charles' down comforter, Henry gently reached over to grab his headphones.
"May I?"
Charles was frozen for a second, reaching up to confirm that Henry's hands were indeed holding his headphones. He'd never let Henry hold his headphones like this. He didn't know why, but it was making his heart pound.
"U-um...yeah, go ahead."
Henry pulled the padded headphones outward before bringing them towards himself to shut them off. Charles' breath caught in his throat as Henry cast the red headset aside and reached out again to brush a hair from Charles' sweaty forehead.
Charles tried to shy away from the touch, though he wasn't entirely sure why. It felt good, but something in him still wanted to stay calm.
"Are you alright?" Henry got up on his knees, "You're shaking..."
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." Charles huffed out, a little too hastily, "Just, uh...I'm still sensitive from the shutdown, so everything's a little...it's kind of difficult to explain..."
"Is it bad?"
Henry's hand was hovering by his ear, just barely brushing against the hair on the side of his head, which was pulled into a ponytail at the nape of his neck. Charles was overtly aware of this to the point where everything else faded into the background, including the sound of the fan.
"Well..." he finally registered Henry's question, "It's...just a lot. Not good or bad, really. Um...y-you can...keep going, if that's what you're asking."
Once he had the green light, Henry gently ran his hand down Charles' head until he reached the ponytail holder, which he dislodged so Charles' hair came flowing down around his face. Henry gleefully ran his fingers through it, twirling it to bring out the natural curls in each strand. Charles smiled as he shook his head to make the curls fly out, and Henry laughed.
Charles took the ponytail holder from him to put around his wrist, "Why do you like my hair so much, you weirdo?"
"Because it's so pretty!" Henry cooed, "And soft! I'd kill to have this much hair!"
"You told me you like it short."
"I do, but sometimes, I wish I liked it longer. It bothers me when it's too long. It's like that thing where you have to wear pajamas to bed."
"A sensory issue?"
"Yeah, that."
Charles chuckled, "Alright, I get it." he combed his hair back so it was falling over one shoulder, and his smile fell.
"So..." Henry plopped back down onto the bed, "While I'm thinking about it, is there anything else I should know about your autism?"
"Hm...well..." Charles lay on his back with his hair falling up over the pillow, "Most of the important stuff is stuff you already know."
"Can we maybe avoid shutdowns in the future?" Henry lay on top of him, his arm over his chest, "Is it just noise and light that's the issue?"
"Normally, I can handle plenty of stimulation, but just then, it was so loud and so bright, and there were so many people. It was packed in there. I tried to push through it, but I scared you, and I shut down anyway."
"It really freaked me out, too." Henry burrowed into his neck, "I do notice you get nervous when there's too many people."
"Not just too many people. The fear comes from the unpredictability. If I'm surrounded by friends or family, it's still stressful and draining, but not as much. That supermarket was full of crazy people who weren't even there for the vaccine!"
"Oh god, how do you feel about people who think vaccines cause autism?"
"How the fuck do you think I feel about them, Henry!?"
Henry laughed, his breath hitting Charles' neck, and it stole his own breath from his lungs.
Charles sighed, rolling over to hold Henry against his chest, "You know, Henry...even if vaccines did cause autism, it breaks my heart that people think autism is worse than polio or chicken pox or the flu even. I don't think I'm a fate worse than death. I'd rather be autistic than dead."
"No, Charles. You're not a fate worse than death." Henry kissed his collarbone, "I don't love you despite your autistic traits. I love all of you. It's part of what makes you so wonderful."
Charles was once again on the verge of sleep, but before he drifted off, he felt a cold shock as Henry pinched his earlobe between his thumb and forefinger.
"Sorry."
"Ah, don't be." Charles touched his ear, "Just shocked me is all."
"Have you ever thought about getting piercings?"
"I have, actually. Not sure there's any point though. If I'm always wearing headphones, then nobody will ever see them."
"I can almost imagine you with little silver hoops." Henry traced Charles' outer ear with his thumb, "Am I bothering you?"
"No. I'm just not used to people touching my ears."
"Should I stop?"
"No, you're fine."
So, Henry continued to trace Charles' ears with both hands. They stuck out a little bit, which Henry found absolutely adorable, and he also found that the curve of Charles' outer ears fit perfectly in his thumbs as he gently rubbed the cartilage between his fingers.
They warmed under his touch as a blush creeped over Charles' face, and his hands latched on to the front of Henry's hoodie.
"Wow. This is really affecting you, huh?"
Charles hummed in affirmation, afraid that any sentence he tried to form would be cut off by his wavering, so he just focused on breathing as Henry's eyes met his own, a teasing smile on his face.
Henry sat up, allowing Charles' head to fall back on the pillow as he whispered just millimeters away from the ear canal;
"You're so cute, Charles."
Charles jumped as Henry's breath hit his ear, the sound amplified by how much he was used to wearing headphones. Now that they were gone and he could feel everything against the skin, it really reminded him of just how sensitive he was.
Especially when Henry let go of his ear and kissed it gently.
Charles squeaked, trying not to squirm as he leaned into the sudden affection. He just caught Henry's devious grin in the corner of his vision before he leaned in again, trailing more soft kisses over the arch of his outer ear. The touch of Henry's lips coupled with the soft sound of each kiss being placed was enough to drive him crazy. He was being so gentle, so loving, and his ears were so sensitive-!
Charles gasped, "H-Henry..."
"You alright? I'll stop if you want me to..."
Charles let out a shaking sigh before giving Henry a little push, and Henry left one last kiss on his earlobe before retreating.
"Wow..." Charles chuckled as he covered his ears, "C-can you tell why I always wear my headphones?"
"I can, indeed." Henry gave him a nose nuzzle, "You know I'm gonna use this against you in the future."
Charles deadpanned, though he was still smiling, "Yeah, I didn't see that coming."
Henry laughed as he huddled into Charles' chest, and Charles yawned as he held him close, finally succumbing to the abyss of sleep.
***
Henry waved his arms wildly as Charles' helicopter landed. For once, Charles beat him to the safety line as the rotors shut off and he leapt from the cockpit.
"Charles!" Henry wrapped him up in a huge hug before jumping back to kiss him, "I missed you! How was your visit?"
"It was wonderful! My cousin April finally got that choppy haircut they've always wanted! They're a total angel, but also they kind of terrify me."
"My god, Charles, how many cousins do you have!?"
"Uhhh..." Charles tapped his lip as he thought, "I uh, never remember the exact number."
"Jesus, how can you keep them straight in your head?"
"I don't! I forget their names and get them mixed up all the time!"
Henry rolled his eyes, "Good god."
"Oh! But nevermind that!" Charles shut off his headset, "I have a surprise for you!"
Henry covered his mouth as Charles took his headset off and he caught the glimmer underneath, "Oh my gosh! You got your ears pierced!"
Charles had a little white gem in each earlobe, shining with a dazzling light as they reflected rainbows in the sun.
Charles turned his head, allowing Henry to admire one of them, "Don't touch them. They're only about a week old."
"Wait, so...I can't kiss your ears?"
"Not for about six months, no."
"Boo! No fair!"
"You can look, though..." Charles turned his head to the other side as his arms encircled Henry's torso, "Aren't they pretty? I love them so much!"
"Yeah. They look beautiful." Henry kissed Charles' cheek, strikingly close to the piercing.
"Ah ah, no touching."
"I'm not touching." Henry kissed Charles' neck right beneath his ear, "Nooot tooouchiiiing..."
Charles shivered as Henry ran his tongue behind the outer ear, avoiding the piercing, until he made it to the tip of the cartilage, when he gently bit it, and Charles yelped.
Henry quickly backtracked, "Too much?"
Charles pushed him back, trying to collect his thoughts, "Y-you're fine, but please, warn me next time."
"Sorry." Henry held Charles' face, brushing over either side of his neck with his thumbs just beneath each gem, "Gosh, they're so pretty."
"Thank you."
"Aw...you know how much I love gems, Charles..." Henry nuzzled lovingly into Charles' nose so they were directly eye-to-eye, his voice dropping to a low whisper, "Careful. Don't bedazzle yourself too much, or I might just steal you away..."
Charles' heart leapt into his throat, and he swallowed as Henry stole his breath with another kiss. He took an involuntary gasp, and his fingertips tingled as he breathlessly leaned back into the kiss.
Once they broke off, Charles eyed Henry questioningly, "Did you just threaten to kidnap me?"
Henry burst into laughter, and he wheezed while clutching his stomach before responding, his hands returning to Charles' face.
"You'll be the damsel in the tower." he said simply, "The Tunisian Diamond may be worth a hundred and twelve million dollars, but you, Charles, are a priceless treasure. No amount of diamonds is enough to match how much you're worth. No price can be put on you. You are far beyond any monetary value."
Charles could feel his knees turning to jelly as Henry softly gushed over him. He of all people knew Henry's draw towards shiny things, so to hear him compare him to brilliant gems as if diamonds were worth nothing was high praise to say the least.
"You've got your own little shinies now." Henry kissed Charles' cheek on the other side, "They look amazing on you."
Charles gave Henry a squeeze, kissing his palm in an attempt to return the affection, "Th-thanks, Hen. M-maybe don't kidnap me though...?"
"Haha! Don't worry, Love. I already have you right where I want you."
Charles smiled as he pulled back to look into Henry's eyes, wide and deep like the depths of the diamond itself.
"Um..." Henry's smile fell, "Didn't they hurt, though? Your ears are really sensitive, aren't they?"
Charles' heart fluttered at his concern, "Well, yeah, it hurt pretty badly for like a second, but they're only a little tender now. They, uh, only hurt if they're touched, but I was ordered not to touch them anyway, so that works out fine, and they're really pretty, so it was definitely worth it!"
"I'm glad you like them!" Henry turned Charles' head to admire the sparkling earrings once again, "Um...hey, Charles...if living in the city bothers you, we can always move."
"What? No, no...we literally just moved in."
"Yeah, and you've been having more shutdowns ever since we moved there." Henry pointed out, "It must be pretty stressful to live in the city considering we used to spend all day every day on a military base."
"Oh trust me; The base is stressful, but at least it's predictable. Big crowds of entitled people? City lights? All the shouting and car horns?"
Charles shuddered. He was shutting down just thinking about it.
Henry pursed his lips as he thought, "You know...I still have an old rundown house in the middle of nowhere. I bet we could fix it up and get wifi set up. It's pretty far from base, but it's not too far from the city, so we can still get easy access to a hospital or something if we need one. Besides..."
Henry's hands grazed over Charles' hips to trail them up his sides, making him shiver violently as his ankles briefly forgot how to exist.
Henry whispered right in his ear, "When we fuck...nobody else will hear you scream..."
A squeak escaped Charles' throat before he could stop it, and he leaned heavily on Henry's shoulders to prevent himself from being thrown into the concrete below. He could feel his face heating up as it flushed a deep red, and Henry's smile turned smug.
"Jesus, Henry, there are people around here."
"So? They didn't hear me." Henry locked their lips one more time before stepping back, "But you didn't answer. Do you want to move? It'll take some time to renovate, but it can be like our little countryside getaway. Imagine how quiet it'll be. How not-crowded. Doesn't that sound heavenly...?"
Charles sighed, long and slow, in complete and utter exasperation.
Finally, he huddled into Henry's neck, "It does..."
"Great! Then it's settled. I'll talk to our landlord today and go back to the house in the middle of nowhere to see what all needs to be fixed. You'll, uh, be happy to help me with that, yeah?"
Charles laughed, "Of course. Hey, I got a bunch of new stimmies too!"
"Yes! Gimme gimme!"
Charles reached into his pocket for a colorful loop of plastic, which had curved segments like macaroni, and they could seamlessly twist around like a snake toy in your hands. Henry immediately took it to twist it around the fingers on one hand, sighing gleefully when he found a rhythm he liked.
"Man, why is this always so nice?"
"Because it's good for you. Stimmies aren't just for autistic people, you know." Charles stuck a chewable necklace in his mouth, "Why do you like those ones so much?"
"I dunno. They're just nice." Henry twisted the loop into a tight knot before spreading it out again, still one-handed, "Anyway, Charles, if something really bothers you, I want you to tell me, okay? Even if you think it shouldn't be a big deal, I'd rather not be kept in the dark about your suffering. Can you do that for me?"
Charles let the chewable necklace fall back over the front of his shirt, "Yeah. Sorry, just...force of habit..."
"Right. I remember." Henry nodded solemnly, "Anyway, we should probably get to the general before he threatens to steal our kneecaps."
As they walked, Henry eyed the necklace that still lay over the cotton undershirt beneath Charles' jacket. He thought for a moment before he reached out to take the rubber pendant and gave it a playful bite.
"Henry!" Charles snapped as he snatched it back, "You little shit! Fuck you!"
"Hahaha! Gotcha!"
"Yeah yeah, you made me swear. Again." Charles tucked the necklace under his shirt, "Keep that up and I might just steal your kneecaps myself!"
"You know how to make me shut up, Charles..."
Charles watched as Henry circled his mouth with one finger before bringing his fingertips to his lips and then tapping them to the fingertips on his other hand, as if miming a kiss.
Charles' face reddened again as he put a hand on Henry's lips, which had already puckered, "Tell you what; If you can get through this briefing without embarrassing me, I'll kiss you until you can't talk anymore. How's that sound?"
Henry beamed, signing "Thank you!" enthusiastically.
"Whatever you weirdo, just get moving."
Henry practically skipped down the hall as the two of them headed to the mission briefing. It struck Charles that even though things had been more difficult for him recently thanks to his repeated shutdowns, Henry treated him the same as he always had. Even when Charles was at his worst, Henry was nothing but patient and kind, and when Charles felt more like himself, he turned back into a hopeless teasing nag. It truly escaped him how Henry didn't understand why he loved him so much, because Henry was as lovable as they come.
Before they turned the corner towards the right office, Charles' clasped his hand in Henry's and gave him a peck on the cheek, "Thanks, Henry. You're wonderful."
Henry smiled warmly as he gave Charles' hand a squeeze, "Thanks. Of course. Anything for my priceless treasure."
Charles caught the way Henry glanced at his piercings before bashfully looking away, and he chuckled as he replaced his headphones carefully over his ears. They were plenty roomy, so he wasn't worried about irritating the piercings, and he wasn't going to go without these precious sound-blockers if he could help it.
Actually, now that he was thinking about it, a house in the middle of nowhere, alone with Henry and silence on all sides...
Well, he mused as he headed into the briefing, That doesn't sound half bad, does it?
***