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Alec's eyes opened to his parabatai looking down at him with concern. Confused, Alec looked down at his body, checking for injuries. When he finds none, his eyes meet with Jace's again, trying to express his confusion with his facial expressions. Before Alec can ask what happened, Jace speaks. "Hey. Everybody's gone now. Magnus is inside cleaning up."
Alec's memories of the night's events are slowly returning, but he's still missing enough details to be confused about why he was unconscious on Magnus's roof. His mouth opens to ask when Jace reaches out his hand, offering to help Alec up. "Let's go inside. Magnus can help me explain what happened."
He follows Jace into the loft apprehensively. Alec realizes that whatever occurred tonight must have been serious as Jace is clearly nervous. Jace hasn't been himself lately, but Alec can still recognize when something is troubling his parabatai.
The living area of the loft now looks the same as it did when Alec woke up here this morning. The tables and food that had been set up for Max's party are no longer here. Magnus is sitting on his sofa when they walk inside. His hands reach up to rub his eyes and he lets out a long sigh. When he notices Alec and Jace are in the room, Magnus's back straightens and he offers a soft, closed mouth smile. He makes a gesture for them to join him on the sofa.
Once seated, Jace meets Alec's eyes and begins to explain. "Iris Rouse was here. She disguised herself as one of the mangy cats that Magnus likes to feed and used a spell to make us hallucinate during the party. Valentine put her up to it, he has Madzie and now he also has Magnus's spell book."
"Where's Iris now?" Alec asks, turning to Magnus.
"She's been taken care of. She's The Clave's responsibility now." Magnus answers. He looks tired and Alec just wants to figure out what happened so he can take Magnus to bed.
"Did she say where Valentine was keeping Madzie?"
"I'm afraid not, but we will find her. I have a feeling that Valentine will keep her alive as long as she's useful to him. Which is terrifying, but it might mean that she's safe, for now." Alec nods.
He tries to focus on remembering what he could have been hallucinating. It must have been pretty intense if he can't even remember doing it. "Did we all hallucinate?"
"Just a few people, I think. You, me, and Clary." Jace answered with a strain in his voice, clearly uncomfortable about something.
"Do you remember what you hallucinated? I can't remember anything that happened after Izzy showed up."
"That's my fault, actually." Magnus spoke and Alec looked at him with more confusion. "I had to knock you unconscious because you - well..." Magnus pauses and looks down at his hands. "The spell I used can cause minor memory loss, but don't worry, it'll come back to you soon."
"What did I do?" Alec asked, more concerned than he was before. If he did something embarrassing in front of Magnus he doesn't know how he would recover. Alec made a private vow to never get cursed again (a promise he would most definitely break, with his career being what it is).
"Let's talk about that tomorrow, darling. You'll probably remember by then." Magnus sighs with a pained expression. "Let's just go to bed now, we're all tired."
Alec hesitantly nods. He knows that Magnus is too tired have any conversation right now anyway. He usually hides his exhaustion pretty well, but Alec knows his boyfriend, and he knows that Magnus has over exerted himself tonight. Calling a goodnight to Jace, he walks Magnus to his room, taking on some of his weight to support him.
Alec awakens to the sticky feeling of sweat on his back. He's already forgotten what his dream was about, but he can tell it wasn't pleasant. Looking to his right, he sees his boyfriend curled toward him on his side, still asleep. Alec slides out of bed, careful not to wake Magnus, and makes his way to the kitchen. It's when he steps into the living room that Alec remembers the events of last night. He remembers Clary calling him a murderer, saying that he killed her mother. He remembers standing up on the ledge of Magnus's roof and letting himself fall. Those events feel as if they were a dream, because he also remembers what Clary was actually saying. He knows now that Clary never wanted him to jump off the ledge, was even encouraging him to step down, but at the time he couldn't hear that.
This must be why Magnus had spelled him unconscious on his roof. Alec can't believe he did that in front of him, or in front of anyone for that matter. His breathing is becoming uneven as he remembers Magnus's face as he stepped into the living room after the party. There was relief in his expression, but also concern. Alec never wanted Magnus to see that dark side of himself, even though he knows Magnus is aware of his self-destructive tendencies, he never wanted him to see this extent of it.
Lost in thought, Alec doesn't notice Magnus entering the living room until he has a hand on his shoulder. The Shadowhunter looks up to see Magnus flash him a quick, sad, smile. With the snap of his fingers, Magnus summons a glass of water, handing to his boyfriend almost forcefully. Alec gets the message and drinks the whole glass, his eyes never leaving Magnus's concerned gaze. When he's done, Magnus snaps his fingers again to get rid of the glass.
"You shouldn't be using your magic for me right now. I know you over-exerted yourself dealing with everything that happened earlier." Alec says with a small voice, looking down at his hands.
Magnus grabs Alec's hand with his own and lets out a small sigh. "I'm fine, Alexander." Magnus pauses, waiting for Alec to speak, or look at him, or do something. When he does none of the above, Magnus asks, "Can we head back into my room?"
Upon Alec's nod, he leads them back to the bedroom. Magnus sits on his side of the bed with his back up to the headboard, and gestures for his boyfriend to sit in front of him. Alec hesitates for a moment, then does as he directed. Alec's posture is straight, but his fingers are toying with the hem of his shirt, giving away his nerves. Magnus clears his throat, about to speak, when Alec cuts him off.
"I'm so sorry you had to see me do that." His gaze draws down to the sheets, unable to meet Magnus's eyes.
"You have no need to apologize. I can't say seeing you on that ledge was easy - I was the most scared I'd been in years - but you don't have to apologize for a situation that wasn't entirely in your control." Magnus replies as eloquently as ever, and Alec is so frustrated. He doesn't know how to do this - to talk about this. Being vulnerable in front of someone you care about may be something Magnus has centuries of experience in, but Alec most definitely does not.
"I want you to know that I would never... do that. Not under normal circumstances." Alec's eyes have not risen from Magnus's sheets.
"The spell Iris used - it creates a hallucination based on someone's deepest insecurities. My concern is that your insecurities being revealed caused you to jump off my roof." Magnus's voice shakes, and Alec wants nothing more than to console his boyfriend, to tell him that he's fine and that everything is alright, but he can't lie to Magnus.
"I can't - I won't lie and say I've never thought about it, but I've never done something like that before." Alec admits, and anticipates all of Magnus's judgment.
"But you do overtrain yourself, and risk your life on dangerous missions, and neglect to use healing runes when you think no one will notice. I'm not saying that you are actively suicidal, but you don't seem to care all that much about preserving your own life."
When Alec doesn't answer or lift his head, Magnus continues. "Look, I've been in a dark place before. I've stood on the ledge of a bridge with every intention to jump, so I understand what it's like. Please just talk to me."
At that admission, Alec finally looks up into the warlocks's eyes. "Magnus" Alec begins, but sensing where his sentence is leading, Magnus speaks up.
"I am fine now, darling. I have been fine for decades. I didn't bring that up so that you would feel concerned for me, but so that you would feel comfortable opening up about your own struggles."
"It's not a big deal, Magnus. Any thoughts I have about that are fleeting. It's just something I used to think about as a kind of escape plan, I guess. I know that sounds awful, but it was just a comforting thing. To think, 'well, if things go to shit I could always just kill myself,' but I would never do it."
"That's not 'not a big deal,' Alexander. Thoughts like that can lead to dangerous things. I know as Shadowhunters you're raised to believe your lives are expendable - that you are only a soldier. But I hope you've realized by now that you are much more than a soldier. You are an amazing brother to Izzy, Jace, and Max, an intelligent politician fighting for real change in our world. You're kind and selfless and the world is better with you in it.I am better with you in it. I just never want you to doubt how important you are."
Alec is feeling kind of breathless after that speech. Obviously his parents were never the type to tell their kids how great they were, and besides random remarks from Izzy or Jace, Alec has never been told how much the people in his life value him. Not knowing how to respond, he links his hands with Magnus's and squeezes them. One day, when he isn't speechless, Alec will be able to tell Magnus that he important he is to him, too.
"All I ask is that you talk to someone when things get too hard for you to handle on your own. I know you are allergic to asking for help, but I know that Izzy, Jace and myself will never think less of you for coming to us. All I want is for you to be happy."
"You make me happy, Magnus. And if it will make you feel better, I promise I'll try to ask for help more." Alec leans in so his forehead is touching his boyfriends, their hands still linked.
Alec knows that terrible things are going to happen no matter what, but he feels relief in knowing that Magnus will be there with him throughout it.