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The night where love hurts and heal
Chu Wanning wandered the vast aimless night; as aimless as the star in the night sky. The last words that his now ex-boyfriend blurted out at him kept ringing in head like a broken record.
He had no idea where his legs had led him but he found himself on a long passage away along the river bank. Peering to the sparkling river that’s illuminated by the street lamp, he found a bench sitting as lonely as his heart by the river bank. It wasn’t like he has anywhere else to go but home. He didn’t want to go home just yet. His home still had his things- his shirts, his toothbrush, memories of him.
Having no one and nowhere to go to, Chu Wanning sat on the empty bench in the middle of the night. He let out all of the abstained frustration, heartbreak and pain spill out in forms of tears as he followed the burble streams of the river.
“Tired of me, you said..” Chu Wanning blurted out. “You get bored? Am I a game you play until you grow out of it?” He throws out all the insulting words in the body of water the way those words were being thrown at him prior to being dumbed.
It was liberating until it started to point toward him.
“Or am I…really unlovable?”
With that question that he just asked himself, Chu Wanning couldn’t help but choked up even harder in his own misery. He had a premonition that this relationship would be no longer. He had always known someone like him could never be loved yet why was his still so crushed from it?
“For two years, has it all been in vain? Why am I not enough?” his words spilled out incoherently from the suffocation he was overcome with. How ironic that despite the hollowness he felt inside his heart, it simultaneously convulsed like it wanted to choke him from inside out. Why is it so empty yet weighs like a dead load at the same time?
Maybe in the back of his mind, he was still holding onto the fickle of hope that he’d call him and apologize. He’d tell Chu Wanning that it was just in a heat of the moment and that he didn’t mean it.
But then in retrospect, his past relationships prior to this one never worked out. Instead of blaming others, perhaps it was his own shortcoming. Perhaps he was the problem. He wasn’t affectionate enough, he gave too little, he’s troublesome when it comes to his anxiety attacks. People can only tolerate him for so long before they started to waver.
Maybe someone like him wasn’t cut out to be loved or to love anyone. His heart had been broken and battered multiple times yet he never learnt.
Chu Wanning could only peer up to the same wandering star in the endless sky, “How can I be enough…?”
Being swallowed by the night, he sat alone with no one but the apparition of his past memories. The wind was chilly; chillier than he could deem tolerable despite being wrapped under a layer of hoodie and another layer of jacket. His skin shivered and crawled at the coldness but at least it momentarily numbed his aching heart.
Days passed. All of his ex’s stuffs were being thrown in the dumpster. His house felt…even messier. His heartbreak led him to malfunction as an adult in society. Getting out to the bed became the hardest task when your fragmented heart weighs the heaviest, pressing you down.
Ever since that solitude night at the river bank, he found himself being drawn to that place every late at night. He’d head there straight after he left work until very late at night just to vent. No one reported him as deranged so far because it had always been a quieter area of the embankment.
It was one of those nights that Chu Wanning sat on the bench again. He rambled about his day like he always did. He sometimes choked up sobbing whenever it touched a sore spot of his memory. He sometimes propped his legs up to his body and hug it just so he could be blown by the wind.
Sometimes he thought to himself: For how long would this be going for?
Was he planning to sit here lamenting about the tragedy that was his love life for the birds and the wind to listen to forever?
All of the sudden there was a rustling sound emit from the bush that sat just diagonal to his bench. His heartbeat immediately picked up. There was someone behind it? Fearing for the worse, Chu Wanning got off the bench and cast a look at the bush that turned back to its inanimate state.
“Who’s there?” He asks, fearing for the worse. He’d hope for a stray cat playing with the root of the brush and not a criminal. But then again, the bush that had been looming behind him was quite large. The rustle was not mild.
Getting no response, Chu Wanning’s paranoia got the best of him.
“Uhm”
He perked up at the response. It was a voice of a man.
“Come out or I’ll call the police.”
He didn’t know why he said that. It wasn’t like the police would do anything. The guy wasn’t harming him or anything.
“Wait, no! Uhm, fine. I’m coming out.”
With a groan, a man stood up; his stature was so tall it far surpassed the height of the bush. The guy whose face was gently illuminated under the candescent glow of the street lamp showed Chu Wanning his frivolous youthfulness. His buzzcut caught specks of leaves from the brushes as he stood in stupor. It seemed like he fell into the bush.
“Uhm,,”
Chu Wanning’s thought was: Is he going to say anything but ‘uhm’?
The man approached toward him; Chu Wanning quickly took one step back.
“No! I’m not a creep, I promise. I was just..sitting there.”
“Behind the bush?”
“Behind the bush.”
Yeah, sure. Even if he wasn’t, it’d still be embarrassing for Chu Wanning with all the things he had been rambling about. With that thought, blood rushed to his face in full force. The cold night didn’t send him chill anymore when it heated up his face.
“I apologize then. And, don’t mind me. I was just..ranting..”
Chu Wanning was about to grab his things and left when the guy caught his wrist. Out of reflex, Chu Wanning aggressively retracted his hand. He was a stranger!
“Sorry!”
“What do you want? I’m giving you the bench!”
“No, wait. What I mean is uh,” He kept throwing incomprehensible hand gesture and Chu Wanning couldn’t help but frown at it. “Please promise me to not get creeped out after what I’m about to say.”
“It depends on what you’re about to say.”
“First off, I’m Mo Ran..”
“…..”
The man looked very anxious as he chewed down his bottom lips, “I was just sitting there..at first.” Scratching the back of his head, he resumed, “To be honest, I’ve been sitting behind that bush listening to your venting for quite sometimes now..”
Hearing that Chu Wanning was beyond horrifyingly flabbergasted.
More than anything he was super disconcerted by the fact one this man had not only just heard his embarrassing post-breakup rant just now but he had been lurking behind the bush listening to him all these whiles? With all sorts of self-deprecating reprimanding?
Being a thin faced person is one thing but that was beyond what even a thick-as-a-brick faced person could take.
“I can explain. Please! just hear me out first, okay? And then you can report me for being a creep all you want.”
That shut Chu Wanning up but he didn’t respond, having been rendered speechless. He just rubbed his hand over his other arms waiting for a plausible explanation.
Awkward silence filled the void of the dead night. The cricket cried all around them but the guy couldn’t seem to look at Chu Wanning right in his eyes. It was a great thing, he supposed. As much as he was horrified at the thought of being listened, he couldn’t deny the handsome, well-carved face of the person before him. Chu Wanning himself could barely hold an eye contact.
Before he knew it, they were seated on the same bench, leaving a considerable distance between them.
“Well, just over a week ago..I broke up with my girlfriend. No- More like, we mutually broke things off but it wasn’t on a good term. Lots of screaming, lots of accusations thrown at me. I thought I deserved it so I left her alone to cool down.”
Now he wondered how did his ex feel when he dumbed Chu Wanning that night? Did he feel remorse for the things he had said?
“I came here by accident. It was already late at night; I didn’t expect anyone to be roaming about here anymore but then I heard a faint noise from a distance…That was when I saw you just sitting on this bench with a sullen face. I planned to walk pass and go on with my endless roaming but subsequently, I heard you vent vehemently about the partner that you seemed to have broken off with. I was heartbroken, you were heartbroken. I sat down with my back against the bush and just listened. I didn’t think it’d help anything. Maybe I was tired of walking away but, even though our situations were different, I felt understood. It makes no sense but maybe it was just the mere fact I wasn’t sad alone. I half hoped you’d be here the next day as well so I blindless came back the next day. You were still there. Before I knew it, it became a habit. I just like listening to you talk, I guess.”
Chu Wanning was racking his brain for words but none was formed. Mo Ran said he loved hearing him talk but, Chu Wanning sounded more like a madman on the verge of tearing the whole down and less like ‘talking’.
At least he felt more secure knowing the reasoning. Still, his embarrassment that was evident in the color of this face told on him as it ceased to be placated.
“I Hope you’re not mad..”
That pulled Chu Wanning out of his bubble.
“N-no.., heartbroken people need each other, I guess.”
“So,”
“So,”
They both blurted in unison.
“You first.” Mo Ran smiles.
“Since you know almost everything about my fragile relationship, I should ask you…why did you two break up?”
Taking a deep breath, Mo Ran reclined his back with his hands locked behind his head, “Our relationship was bound to end anyway. We dated on a whim because she said she liked me. I didn’t take relationship seriously but I grew to like her as I got to know her. But it wasn’t the like that couple harbor for each other. I still couldn’t get myself to be romantically indicated with her. Deep in my heart I knew why but I ignored all signs and get myself together with a woman that truly loved me.”
“You knew you wouldn’t love her and you still..”
“I sound like a complete asshole, right?” He stammered. Chu Wanning didn’t say anything. “It’s not that she’s not enough...”
Hearing the word ‘enough’ got Chu Wanning stomach to convulse uncomfortably; getting jittery on the edge of the seat.
“It’s just that..I don’t like woman...”
Hearing that, Chu Wanning quickly whipped his head toward Mo Ran at the opposite end of the bench. He parted his lips to say something but words stuck in his throat. He could only gape like a fish.
He felt weird about being told that. They weren’t friends or anything and it sounded like a huge secret for a stranger to carry.
“I’ve never really thought about it. My past relationships had always been very superficial and I never really understood why. Or maybe I did but like the fool that I am, I ignored those unsettling feelings. but long story short, I told her and we had the talk. She didn’t take it too well…”
“Oh..” He manages to let out. “Is she uhm…” Grossed out? Disgusted by that fact? Chu Wanning wanted to ask without sounding rude. But he was rude. People normally didn’t fair too well with his attitude. “Is she weirded out?”
“Not in that way. She was just disappointed. I mean, I’d be too if I devoted myself to someone for a year then found out they wouldn’t ever return it back because of their preference. She wasted her time and she said that I should’ve told her sooner. I let her vent out. She screamed and wept; I took it all. He wanted me out, I got out. I felt bad. It hurts, though. It hurts until now. I like her a lot, as a person; even if I couldn’t be in love with her, she’s still a great confidant. Yet, I caused her pain. She felt unwanted for the longest time.”
None of them said anything afterward. Chu Wanning was just taking in the calmness of the river before him. Listening to Mo Ran so far made him understood why he was stalked from behind the bush every single night. Not that he’d ever do that…
The silence lasted for a while. It was a comfortable, amicable one as opposed to a deafening silence that exacerbated the awkwardness for Chu Wanning. Slowly, they started to get back into small conversations. Chu Wanning couldn’t recall when was the last time he shared a talk like this with a close friend (if he really had any), let alone a stranger. In the past, he was entirely independent on his partner and that was the reasons why it never worked out.
“Well, if you’ve been secretly listening to me rambling for the past week or so, you’d already know that…my former partner is a man. They’ve always been men so, I wouldn’t say I understand your confusion. I’ve always known follow it. Just,..” Chu Wanning raised his face up and he caught Mo Ran looking right at him. His heart might have had summersaulted slightly in his chest. “Just...don’t overthink it. If you like men, pick up a man.”
But what did Chu Wanning know about ‘picking up a man’. He couldn’t flirt to save his life. Everyone he dated were just settling for him after several one-nightstands then throw him out once they are done. Chu Wanning was a fool who never learnt.
That caused Mo Ran to chuckle.
“Are they the same as picking up women?”
A whiff of night air brushed by, causing him to shiver as it grazed his skin. Rubbing the side of his arms, he said. “I guess. I’m not sure; I never make the advancement.”
“Oh? A popular type of guy?”
His face burns; Chu Wanning shakes his head, “Far from it. Do I look like a popular guy to you?” he frowned.
“You’re really good looking. I bet a lot of people are into you.”
Him? Good looking? Chu Wanning couldn’t help but scoff at the compliment.
“Are you using me to practice your first-time flirting with a man?”
“What? No!” He shrugged defensively. “That’d be a poor attempt. It’s cliché and corny. I’d never! I’m just telling you the truth.”
Chu Wanning simply turns his face away without saying another word. What was the point of hanging onto fleeting compliment that was just another obligatory act? He had been fooled by those coaxing words that led him to his misery today. Plus, someone as handsome as Mo Ran was not a stranger to giving away compliments..
“Did I offend you?”
“No.” He stared off pensively back to the river.
A string of guffaws erupted; Chu Wanning only grew more irascible!
“You’re actually really cute. I wonder who is that blind jerk that didn’t appreciate you.”
Sometimes Chu Wanning forgot that Mo Ran more or less knew of the whole story- his nine-days’ worth of rants.
“People grow tired, that’s why.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever grown tired of anything.” Mo Ran said.
“Anything?”
“I don’t mean like food, you know? I’ve always liked the same things growing up. The game that I played, my favorite sports, my hobby, things that I know made me feel happy. If it’s not broken by fix it?”
Thinking about it, Chu Wanning committed half of his life to mechanical engineering. Ever since he was in middle school, it had always been in his favor and he had set goals to be indicated in the field. Sixteen years later, it was the only constant in his life.
Sounded boring, wasn’t it?
People didn’t really grow tired. They were just not compassionate enough.
Since the beginning, no affections toward Chu Wanning were laced with enough compassion for them to linger.
It became the nth time that Chu Wanning got lost in his own thought. He was pulled out of it with a startle by an earth-shattering volume of ringtone from one that was obviously isn’t his.
“Oh, Sorry about that. My roommate called.”
Mo Ran picked up. The call was short; Chu Wanning didn’t listen or pry. It was none of his business.
“Shit, it’s already 1am? No wonder he shouted at me and asked where I am.”
That propelled him to look at his own watch. It was 1am.
“We should get going then. Sorry I keep up here for this long to listen to my confused homosexual nonsense.” He laughs lowly.
“It’s fine. I don’t have much to do tomorrow.”
“Let me walk you home then.”
He attempted to lightly declined the offer but still, for some reasons he gave in.
‘I feel bad. At least I can sleep well at night knowing you get home safe.’
Perhaps it was the guilty look sent his way or the convincing coaxing word.
It was a naïve decision for Chu Wanning to not take into consideration that they just met hours ago- he just met Mo Ran hours ago. He could be murdered on his way home.
How did they end up walking side by side on the way to his place? That was the world’s 9th wonder.
Mo Ran walked Chu Wanning right in front of his apartment building. His limps were intact.
They exchanged small goodbyes and Chu Wanning turned to enter.
“Hey,”
Chu Wanning halted then turned around.
“You never really tell me your name.”
“Chu Wanning.”
“Well, Chu Wanning. Will you, uhm, will you still be going back to the riverside?”
He didn’t know what hit him but his chest tightened at the question. Would he? It wasn’t his secret spot anymore.
But then Mo Ran continued, “’cause if you’re still going, you know I’ll be waiting there.”
With his last grin beaming at him, Mo Ran waved goodbye and walks off. Chu Wanning watched his back retreating until it was being swallowed by the dark.
-
At this point, Chu Wanning developed muscle memories in which his legs took him to the same path that he had acclimated to taking for the past 10 days. Without even knowing, he stopped right at the bench that sat snuggly at the embankment of the riverside.
It was the same as usual- cold night, frosty wind, tranquil.
One thing changed, though.
“You’re early.” Chu Wanning says as he took a seat on his spot of the bench.
He didn’t want to take Mo Ran’s words seriously, about what he was asked and told last night. Why? Because hopes always led him astray. He’d always jump and then met with bone-crushing falls. But he found himself returning to that spot regardless. That was his sob-spot for some times now. What was there to lose?
Mo Ran was really there waiting for him.
“Well, couldn’t let my new bench-mate wait, could I?”