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Marlene was hurting in places she didn't even know were physically possible. Every muscle was aching, every inch of her seemed covered in bruises and she had a nasty cut on her lip that had not stopped throbbing. She was not a person who typically enjoyed baths, but now she ached for one, with salt and bubbles, music and wine, and preferably with Dorcas in her arms.
She stumbled into her dark flat, pushing the creaking door shut behind her with her foot. There was an armchair not far from her, which she slumped right into, not bothering to take jacket or boots off which were both crusted with dirt and dust.
A door opens. “Marls?”
“Yeah.” Her voice was raspy. “It's me.”
Dorcas was a dark figure on the threshold to the bedroom. She hadn't changed into pyjamas, but was still wearing jeans and jumper. Her hand was tightly gripping her wand, the tip pointing towards Marlene. She had stayed up to wait for her. Marlene felt a twinge of guilt at the realisation, followed by a wave of affection for her.
“When was our first kiss?”
Despite her weariness, a grin flickered across Marlene's face. “In sixth year. You had asked me to practice duelling with you, so we met up in a classroom. You said, 'Looks like it's just you and me, McKinnon,' and I said, 'Don't expect me to go easy on you,' and you said, 'Believe me, I won't,' and you flat-out defeated me. And then you pointed your wand at me, like you're doing now, and asked, 'What do I get for winning, McKinnon?' and I kissed you.”
Dorcas lowered her wand. “Are you hurt?”
But Marlene waved off her concern. “It's nothing.”
“It doesn't look like nothing,” she replied, gesturing towards Marlene's bruised face.
“I'm fine.”
“What the bloody hell happened?” asked Dorcas. She stepped towards her, her eyebrows knitted together, her eyes dark with worry. “Where have you been, you were supposed to be back hours ago!”
“There were complications.”
“Complications?”
“Yeah. Was held up.”
“By who?”
“Death Eaters,” she replied tiredly. “Couldn't see who, they were wearing the mask.”
“How many?”
“Five.”
“Five?” Dorcas's eyes widened in shock.
“Nothing I couldn't handle.”
Her jaw clenched in a far too familiar way – it was what she always did when Marlene did something that she did not approve of and the only reason she held back her anger was that she knew how easily Marlene exploded.
Marlene closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I Disapparated before things could get out of hand.”
“Good,” said Dorcas, her voice hard. “Don't think you can take on five death eaters at once. You can't.”
Marlene raised her eyebrows. “I can't?”
“Yes, you can't,” she repeated. “Barely anyone can and you're going to get yourself killed if you try that!”
Marlene considered her for a moment; the fire in her eyes, the heavy rise and fall of her chest. “But I'm not dead,” she said quietly. “I'm here.”
Baby, don't make me spell it out for you
All of the feelings that I've got for you
Can't be explained, but I can try for you
Yeah, baby, don't make me spell it out for you
You keep on asking me the same questions (why?)
And second guessing all my intentions
Should know by the way I use my compression
That you've got the answers to my confessions
Dorcas's shoulders slumped. “And for how long?”
“What do you mean?”
“How long until you take on the next stupid mission and fight the next horde of Death Eaters?”
“We're Order members, Dorcas,” Marlene reminded her irritably. “We signed up for this when we entered.”
“I know that. But you're irresponsible, Marlene.” She'd used her full name. Not a good sign. “You always take up more than you can handle!”
Marlene clenched her jaw, fought to bit back the anger boiling up inside of her. Was she supposed to sit back and do nothing? “I know what I'm doing.”
“Do you? Because just now you took on five Death Eaters!”
“And I Disapparated!” Marlene shot back. “I left the fight that I knew I couldn't win so I could come back to you!”
Dorcas was silent for a long moment. When she finally spoke again, she whispered, “I know. I'm just … I'm scared one day you won't come back.”
Marlene's face fell. “I know. I fear the same thing every time you walk out of the door.” When she got no reply, she rose from the armchair, gripped Dorcas by the shoulders, forced her to look at her. “I'll be by your side for as long as you want me to be.”
But Dorcas's deep chocolate brown eyes, which always took Marlene's breath away, were filled with pain.
“What if I want you here forever?” Her voice was low, calm, almost factual. “You can't give that promise, Marls.”
She didn't reply. She feared what Dorcas was hinting at, the conversation they'd had so many times before, and Marlene did not have the energy for it. She never did, but especially not tonight.
“Baby …”
“Don't you baby me!” Dorcas snapped. Marlene flinched and took a step back. “I was waiting for you for hours, not knowing if you would return, if you were kidnapped, tortured or dead-”
“Well, I couldn't exactly have sent a patronus in the middle of a fight!”
“That's not the point!”
“Then what is the bloody point?”
“That I was terrified! And then you come back and pretend like everything is perfectly fine! Yeah, you could have died, but no big deal, right?” Dorcas's eyes were shining with unshed tears. Marlene's finger twitched with supressed desire. She wanted to brush them away, but didn't dare to.
“And then what would I do?” Dorcas's voice was no more than a whisper. “What would I tell your parents? About you? About us? Because I don't presume you told them anything.”
An emotional, sexual bender
Mess me up, yeah, but no one does it better
There's nothin' better
Marlene looked away. She hadn't. Not because she didn't want to, but because she didn't know what to say. She didn't know where to start, where to end, and her parents would ask questions and expect answers that she couldn't give and didn't want to think about. So she stayed silent.
“Do they even know we're living together?”
“Of course they do.”
“Did you tell them we are roommates?” Dorcas asked bitterly.
“We are roommates.”
“No, we're not. We're more than that.”
Marlene opened her mouth, but the only reply she could think of was the question she didn't want to ask, so closed it again.
Dorcas asked it for her. She always did.
“So what are we?” When Marlene didn't reply, she took a step closer. “What are we, Marlene? If we die and I show up at your funeral, do you want your family to think that I was just your roommate?”
Marlene swallowed, but her throat was dry. “No,” she rasped.
“So what do you want to tell them?”
“I don't know.”
Dorcas sighed defeatedly, let her gaze drop to the ground. Marlene wanted to run her fingers through her thick locks, hug her close to her chest, kiss her temple, but she stayed rooted to the spot.
“I don't want them to think that either. I want to go up to them and tell them that I was something to you, that you were something to me.”
“You are something to me!”
“And what exactly is that something?” Dorcas let out a hollow laugh. “Merlins beard, are we even together? Or is fucking all we do?”
It wasn't, and Dorcas knew that, but Marlene didn't know what to answer. She loved the nights – and mornings and afternoons – they spent together, loved running her fingers over her soft skin, kissing the spots that turned Dorcas into a weak puddle underneath her. And she loved when Dorcas took over and stroked her and held her close, as close as she could and as close as Marlene needed her to. Marlene could never put into words what she needed from Dorcas, but somehow she always knew. That was their truth.
That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel
So real, so good, so fuckin' real
That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel
They had always been like that. Ever since that first kiss back in sixth year, they had had an odd relationship, together, but not together. They had sneaked kisses – and more – between classes and quidditch pratices, dates between homework and duelling practices, but they had never truly defined what they were. Marlene had been a master at dodging the question and Dorcas had allowed it. At least for a while.
And then, after school, they had moved in together as “roommates”. They were close friends and needed a place to stay; it was only convenient. But they knew it was more than that, that being “roommates” was only an excuse, and their friends knew that too. But they had learned not to inquire, because Marlene didn't want to answer and Dorcas couldn't. She could feel the questioning gazes lingering on them, could hear people whispering whenever they intertwined their fingers, saw the raised eyebrows when they didn't sit together during order meetings.
There was one thing, though, that everybody knew. Marlene belonged to Dorcas and Dorcas belonged to Marlene. No less because Marlene did never hesitate to hex whoever thought could make a move on her. They weren't together, necessarily, but they also weren't not together, hanging in an undefined limbo that Dorcas desperately wanted to escape and Marlene didn't dare to.
Their attitude had changed when they entered the war. Dorcas had suddenly become more insistent. She had begun to ask all the questions that Marlene had previously so keenly escaped.
They were committed, but it was a commitment that Marlene was afraid to name. She didn't know why and that terrified her. So it remained an unspoken agreement, a silent truth, that both of them clung onto, because they didn't have anything else. Not with the world crashing and burning down around them, not when they had to be scared for their own lives and the ones of their friends and families and every time they parted, they had to bid their goodbyes knowing it might be their last.
All that she was certain of was that she loved the feel of Dorcas's hand in hers, her lips on hers, her skin against hers and that she wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. And if she had to fight five Death Eaters to get back to her, she would. She would fight them all.
You know I love it, so please don't stop it
You got me right here in your jean pocket (right now)
Laying your body on a shag carpet (oh)
You know I love it so please don't stop it
Marlene took a step towards Dorcas. “Dorcas...” She stopped, held herself back, bit back the words forming on her tongue that hadn't quite yet formed.
Dorcas was observing her, quietly, sadly, as though she knew exactly what was going on inside of her and the fact that she couldn't do anything about it filled her with incredible sorrow. And with a jolt of panic, Marlene realised that one day, Dorcas might grow tired of that. She couldn't have blamed her.
“I don't want you to think … You're very important to me, Dorcas. More important than anything else.” Marlene locked eyes with her. “You always have been and you always will be.”
It was a bold statement but Marlene profoundly believed in it. And while she didn't always say everything that was crossing her mind, everything she did utter was always the truth.
She held out her hand, tentatively. For a moment, she was afraid Dorcas wouldn't respond, but her expression softened and she grasped the hand, accepted the unspoken offer of peace Marlene was giving her.
“I'm just tired,” Marlene whispered.
There was a deep sadness in Dorcas's eyes. “I know. Me too.”
Marlene pulled Dorcas onto the shaggy carpet, clasping hands and resting their heads against each other. She breathed in her scent, relished in the calm that befell her instantly. Her heartbeat slowed, the fog on her mind lifted and for a long time, they just sat like that, intertwined with each other, relieved to be able to enjoy the other's company one more night.
Before the next night came and they would have to do it all over again.
It's like I'm powerful with a little bit of tender
An emotional, sexual bender
Mess me up, yeah, but no one does it better
There's nothin' better
Their relationship was messy and far from ideal and Marlene knew that better than anyone. She also knew that she was far from innocent as to why they were that way.
But she also knew that she wouldn't change her messy relationship with Dorcas for a perfect one with anybody else. She would choose Dorcas over anyone and anything any day. She had made that decision back in sixth year and sealed it with a kiss and she sealed it again now as she pressed her mouth to Dorcas's. Her lips were chapped and there was still dirt streaking cheeks, but Dorcas didn't seem to mind. She just cupped her face and pulled her closer, drinking her in as though she was afraid Marlene might suddenly vanish.
So Marlene gripped her tighter and kissed her harder and told her she wouldn't be going anywhere.
That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel
So real, so good, so fuckin' real
That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel
They were both panting when they pulled away, but still held each other close, eyes closed, content, at least for the moment, to just feel each other's warm skin.
It was Dorcas who eventually broke the silence. It was always her. Marlene was glad for it.
“We will have to talk about this one day.”
Marlene swallowed, ghosted her finger over Dorcas's temple. “I know.”
“You might want to think about your answer.”
Think. What a difficult thing to do when you had to worry about staying alive. When your mind was constantly occupied with the next funeral, the tears streaming down your face, part sadness and part utter relief that it wasn't you or your Mum or your Dad or her.
That's just the way that I feel now, baby
Good God! I can't help it! Agh!
That's just the way that I feel, yeah
Please! I can't help it
An image flashed across Marlene's mind; a casket with pink orchids on top, Dorcas's favourite. Dorcas's parents sobbing in the front row, Marlene sitting in a hard chair, numb, hands clasped in her lap because she didn't know what to do with them now that she couldn't hold Dorcas's hand anymore, a grip on her shoulder that was meant to be comforting but sent a wave of hot anger through Marlene because it was supposed to be her-
And people walking around, throwing her pitiful glances, telling her how sorry they were when they had no idea, no idea how amazing Dorcas was, what Marlene was going through, how unfair it was, no idea what she had meant to her-
It's like I'm powerful with a little bit of tender
An emotional, sexual bender
Mess me up, yeah, but no one does it better (oh!)
There's nothin' better (better!) Damn
Marlene's heart tightened in her chest and gripped her hand. “I want you. I don't care how or when or why, I just … I want you.”
She closed her eyes tightly shut in childish hopes that the nightmares would disappear if she didn't look at them, breathed in the scent of Dorcas's wonderfully familiar shampoo.
“I want you too,” whispered Dorcas. “And that's enough. For now.”
For now. In war, that was the best you could get. A now, a moment, a today. And Marlene was determined to never let that now slip through her fingers.
That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel
So real, so good, so fuckin' real
That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel