Work Text:
"i saw the part of you
that only when you're older you will see too"
Baji groans, instinctively moving to get up. “What the fuck,” he coughs, before remembering that even the slightest bit of movement causes a great deal of pain.
“Baji-san!” He can easily recognize Chifuyu’s voice, he just wishes it wasn’t so damn loud.
“Stop screaming,” Baji says, his voice hoarse and throat painfully dry. Again, what the fuck? He felt better yesterday than he does this morning.
“Are you okay?” Chifuyu continues, quieter now but all the more anxious for it. He’s sitting on a dark brown chair beside Baji’s bed. Chifuyu has rarely left his side since he was admitted into the hospital three weeks ago. “Are you okay, Baji-san?” he repeats.
“I heard you the first time,” Baji says. Chifuyu frowns, so he adds, “stop worrying so much. I can’t say I’m at the top of my game, but I’ll be better soon.” At least, he hopes he will.
“Do you need anything?”
Yeah, he needs water, but there is a more pressing matter at the moment. “Any news?” he asks.
Chifuyu sighs. He’s probably tired of this, but Baji couldn’t give a shit about that. Anyways, he has a right to ask. It’s not exactly like he can leave and go out scavenging for himself. His mom yelled his head off when he tried to escape after the first night. He was handcuffed to his bed after his third escape attempt. That was an absolute nightmare.
“No, nothing new. I’ve been out looking, I even waited outside his place for a few hours last night like some deranged stalker, but there was no sign of him. Draken says that they haven’t seen him either.”
“That bastard. He pisses me off.”
Fucking Kazutora. How dare he stab him and then vanish into thin air. The least he can do is come visit him.
“Baji-san, you need to focus on recovering. We can look for him together when you get discharged,” he reassures with a worried smile.
Baji smirks at his friend. “Thanks, Chifuyu. For everything.” He’s one hell of a guy, wholeheartedly trusting Baji even after all the sneaky shit he pulled. He couldn’t have asked for a better vice-captain.
"pitch black flesh and bone
couldn't believe that you were gone"
He’s discharged two weeks later.
He’s given instructions from his doctor so that the wound won’t reopen, follow-up appointments already scheduled for the next few months, but he only vaguely pays attention to any of that.
His friends greet him with chaos, celebrating his discharge like it’s something to be proud of. Honestly, all he did was not die, so he doesn’t understand why everyone’s making such a big deal of it, but he won’t be the one to kill the party.
His mother dotes on him, taking an additional two days off of work so she can cater to his every need. It’s all a bit overwhelming, but at least his friends aren’t acting like he’s some terminally ill patient like his mom is.
The second night after he’s discharged, Mikey lingers back at Baji’s request after the rest of the gang leaves.
Baji is thankful for Mikey, too. He doesn’t want to start any more conflict, but he feels like he owes it to Mikey to apologize and thank him for all that he did. So he does.
“I should be the one thanking you, asshole,” Mikey sighs. The moments after he stabbed himself and the ambulance arriving are a jumble of messy thoughts in Baji’s head. He thinks he remembers Takemichi yelling, and Mikey talking, and Kazutora crying, but it’s all a haze. He asks Mikey to explain, which he does.
Mikey explains how Kazutora bowed to him, how he said he would take responsibility for what he had done, and how he got arrested. He explains how, after Baji was out of surgery—alive yet unconscious—the Toman members went down to the station to defend Kazutora and claim his innocence. Kazutora was released a few hours later due to insufficient evidence. He thanked them all and promised he would never cause any more trouble. Since then, nobody has seen him, despite the number of times Mitsuya and Draken have stopped by his apartment.
“Wow,” Baji says after hearing the whole story, the scene coming together accordingly. “Takemichi’s cool as shit.”
Mikey smiles. “Yeah. Cool as shit.”
Baji waits a beat, enjoying the smile on Mikey’s face. He hasn’t seen that look since before Shinichiro’s death. Takemichi’s good for Mikey, he realizes.
“I’ve forgiven him,” Mikey says, his smile faltering. “I’ve forgiven Kazutora.”
“You have?” Baji ignores the way his heart thumps loudly in his chest. “That’s—thanks. Thank you, Mikey.”
“Yeah. I don’t know if we can ever go back to the way we used to be, but he’s still special to me. He’s a part of Toman, after all,” Mikey says. “And I know how much he means to you.”
You have no idea, Baji thinks.
“I have no clue where he could be, but if you’re that desperate to find him, you know we’ll help,” Mikey teases.
“Shut up,” Baji blushes, punching Mikey’s arm with as much force that he can muster.
"i held the better cards
but every stroke of luck has got a bleed through"
Baji frustratingly wonders how one guy—a very noticeable guy, in fact, with a large ass tattoo and piss yellow highlights—can be so hard to find.
He got so desperate, he even asked Kazutora’s parents, but they’re pieces of shit, so Baji knew not to expect much. As such, he wasn’t disappointed when they shrugged their shoulders and shooed him away.
“Baji-san, you might not want to hear this, but I’m going to say it anyway,” Chifuyu hesitantly starts. “Maybe Kazutora-kun just doesn't want to be found. If he’s trying so hard to stay hidden, then shouldn’t we be respecting his wishes?”
That idiot definitely doesn’t want to be found, but not for himself. Knowing Kazutora and how his shit mind works, Baji knows that Kazutora probably thinks distancing himself from them will be better for everyone. But, again, Baji knows Kazutora better than anyone, and as such, he can almost imagine how much pain Kazutora is in.
He’s a little shit, but Baji’s going to find him no matter what.
“Chifuyu, thanks for sticking with me, but this is my burden. You don’t have to come with me all the time. I won’t give up until I find him.”
“Are you joking?” Chifuyu scoffs. “Of course I’ll stay by your side!”
“You’ll probably regret saying that,” Baji grins, throwing an arm over his shoulder. “That bastard ain’t gonna make it easy for us.”
"you held the balance of the time, that only blindly i could read you
but i could read you"
And it wasn’t easy.
Two weeks later, two weeks full of searching (Baji can be a private investigator at this point), and he manages to find Kazutora one late Saturday night by accident. He would’ve been mad, cursing the world for playing him a fool, but all he can see and think is Kazutora.
Baji had decided to go for a late night snack, so he left his home and headed to his local 7/11, only to find fucking Kazutora as he was walking back with a bag in hand. The boy is sitting on a hill, looking down at the stream below.
Momentarily, he froze, not believing his luck, but there’s no mistaking him. There is Kazutora, in the flesh, sitting down like Baji hadn’t busted his ass looking for him for weeks.
And Kazutora must have sensed him, because he innocently turns his head, golden eyes meeting Baji’s dark ones, and before Baji has the chance to walk over, Kazutora bolts.
He fucking bolts.
But Baji isn’t going to let him escape, so he drops his bag (he’ll make Kazutora pay for it later), and chases Kazutora down the road. Baji has always been faster than Kazutora, and even though he isn’t completely healed yet, Kazutora is insane if he thinks Baji’s letting him get away.
When he does catch up, now with a surging amount of anger, he reaches forward and grabs hold of Kazutora’s hood, effectively choking the bastard, if only for a moment. From the speed of his running and the strength of Baji’s hold, Kazutora slams down onto the concrete ground with a resounding thud.
“What the fuck, Baji?!” Kazutora yells, coughing as he adjusts his hood.
Baji’s lucky that no one’s around at this hour, because he’s pretty sure he’s about to beat the living shit out of Kazutora, so it’s good that no ones here to stop him.
“What the fuck?” Baji repeats, furious. “You fucking stab me, disappear for weeks, and the first thing you have to say to me is what the fuck?”
Kazutora groans. “That’s your fault for finding me. I thought I made it clear that I didn’t want to be looked for—much less found.”
“Fuck what you want,” Baji says. “I wanted you to come see me, but you didn’t give a shit about that.”
“Because you’re stupid.”
Yeah. Baji’s going to kick his ass. He might even murder him. That’s to be determined, though.
“You're not supposed to want to see me.”
“And who the fuck decided that?”
“Every sensible person on this planet,” Kazutora glares up at him, making a move to stand back up, but Baji kicks him down. Kazutora resigns himself to the ground, not looking surprised. “Only an idiot would want to see the person that stabbed them.”
Fuck Kazutora for calling him an idiot. Seriously, sometimes Baji wonders why it’s this guy he fell for. Apparently, he likes stubborn assholes.
“Shut up,” Baji says, squatting down so he’s at eye-level with Kazutora. “If you’re gonna keep on saying stupid shit then I’m gonna kick your ass right now.”
Kazutora stares at him for a moment, before huffing and turning away like a brat. “Shouldn’t you be taking care of yourself? You shouldn’t be getting into fights.”
“You should have thought about that before you made me sprint to catch your ass.”
“Are you…” Kazutora pauses. Baji waits. “Did you get hurt from that?”
It doesn’t hurt now, but that might be because he’s too doped up on adrenaline. He isn’t supposed to be engaging in such an intense workout. “Maybe,” Baji answers truthfully. “I’m not sure yet. But it’s your fault, so you have to take responsibility.”
Kazutora looks like he’s about to argue, but instead, says, “what do you need me to do?”
“I dropped my food chasing you,” Baji says easily, standing back up to full height. “We need to go get it.” He’s not about to let five-hundred yen go to waste.
Kazutora eyes him, testing his limits, and once he determines that Baji isn’t going to knock him back down, he slowly gets up too. “Can you walk?”
“Obviously, you idiot,” Baji smirks. “Or what? Think you can carry me?”
“If you need me to,” he answers shyly.
He almost considers taking Kazutora up on his offer just to tease him, but ultimately decides against it. Baji wants to be able to see his face, because even though Kazutora talks a lot of shit, his face never lies.
They start walking back to the stream at a slow pace. Baji matches Kazutora’s speed.
“You shouldn’t have ran,” Kazutora says, because apparently he’s not done with that conversation. “You’re supposed to ease yourself back into activity. Like short walks and shit like that.”
Baji raises his brows. “You look this shit up or something?”
“It only takes a few clicks on a computer,” he says defensively. One look at Baji’s face and he adds, nervously, “I was already at the library anyways, so I had some time to kill.”
Baji laughs. It’s strangely reassuring, knowing that Kazutora was thinking of him. “If you were so worried, you should have just visited.” He doesn't need to ask why to understand why Kazutora chose not to.
Kazutora doesn't respond, and eventually, they return to their original location. Kazutora picks up the bag of food and holds it in his hand.
“I guess I’ll walk you home, then,” he mutters.
“You better.”
Baji isn’t going to let him leave so easily. If he did, it’d probably take another month just to find the bastard. He's not going to let Kazutora go ever again. Baji wouldn't consider himself a selfish person, but when it comes to Kazutora, he might just waver on that.
They walk back to Baji’s apartment—a familiar route for the both of them—in relative silence. There’s a lot to be said, but also nothing at all. He knows that Kazutora isn’t the best at expressing himself, so he waits until he’s ready to talk.
“Have you been doing okay?”
Kazutora’s acting cautious, like he’s walking on eggshells, and Baji finds it annoying.
“As well as you can be after being stabbed,” he says, because there’s no need for him to sugarcoat things around Kazutora. “But it wasn’t your fault, Tora.”
Even though it’s an undeniable fact that Kazutora stabbed him, Baji has never once blamed him. He knows how he must have felt—betrayed and abandoned when he learned of Baji’s true purpose for joining Valhalla—and Baji can never blame Kazutora for the course of events that followed. Of course, he never would betray his friend, but it surely seemed that way.
“I tried to kill you, Baji,” Kazutora says. He has this frantic look in his eye, the look that makes Baji want to do something as affectionate as wrapping his arms around Kazutora and protect him from any harm this world dares bring him. “I wanted to kill you.”
“I know that, shithead.”
“You almost died ‘cause of me.”
“Nah, that was all on me. I fucking stabbed myself. If I would have died, then I would have done it all on my own.”
“You’re just saying that, but you know it’s not true.”
“I don’t say shit just to say it. You know me better than that.”
Kazutora shuts up, but Baji can tell he’s not convinced. It’s not like he expects him to be, though. He knows Kazutora carries years worth of trauma that one simple late-night talk can’t fix, and he knows that it’s only gotten worse since the fight. He’s not a therapist, so all he can do is hear Kazutora out and stand his ground.
Sometimes he finds himself wishing that they both could just forget the terrible sin they committed. Even if it’s a selfish wish, Baji just wants one day where Kazutora isn’t held down by the weight of it all. Kazutora has suffered more in his short years than most people have their whole lives, and it’s not fucking fair.
They reach Baji’s apartment. Kazutora stares at the concrete steps, dumbfounded even as Baji starts to walk up them. Baji looks back down at him, and just as he’s about to yell at his friend to get his ass up here, Kazutora shoves the convenience store bag in his direction.
“Here,” he says.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Baji doesn't make a move to take the bag. He keeps his hand at his side, the other on the railing.
“Take it,” Kazutora says with a little more conviction. He doesn't make a move, either.
“Just come in,” Baji sighs, annoyed. “My mom’s not home, so you don’t gotta worry about her.”
“I’m not worried.”
“Then come on. It’s cold as shit,” he turns around, not waiting for a response as he makes his way to his apartment.
Kazutora catches up, walking with slow and heavy steps, like he’s unsure.
“It’s late, Baji. You should get some rest. I need to go home.”
Baji opens the door. “If you leave now, you’re just gonna disappear again, aren’t you?” He holds the door open for Kazutora, toeing off his shoes at the entrance.
“I won’t.”
Baji looks back at him. “Liar,” he smirks, because Kazutora’s face is a dead giveaway, like always. “Now get in before I make you.”
Kazutora hesitates for a long minute. Baji lets him. He already knows the outcome anyways.
Finally, after what seems like much deliberation, Kazutora walks in.
"now you're making me nervous"
(The first time they kissed, they were twelve and on top of the world.
They felt powerful, having just created a gang with their handful of friends, like nobody could stop them. All for one and one for all.
For Baji, it seemed only natural for this to have happened. Like there was no other option than to have kissed Kazutora. He knew what he felt for Kazutora—and even if he couldn’t yet put a label to the feeling, he knew it was special.
One look at Kazutora, and Baji knew he felt it too.
They were watching a horror movie at Baji’s place, something they often did together, sharing a blanket that Baji’s mom tossed them right before she headed out for her night-shift. Their hands were laced together under the blanket like it so often happened before. Though, neither of them acknowledged it, and they never talked about it.
“Who’s the actress?” Kazutora asked.
“How the fuck am I suppose to know?” Baji shrugged. “Why?”
“She’s hot.”
“I guess.”
“You don’t think so?”
“I’m more into blondes.”
Kazutora hummed, smirking. “So… Emma-chan?”
Baji shoved him. “Idiot. Obviously not.”
“You don’t have to be so defensive about it,” he laughed. “Didn’t know talking about girls made you so shy.”
“It doesn't,” Baji felt the need to say.
Kazutora hummed. “With that attitude, you’ll never get a girl.”
“Says the guy who’s never even kissed one.”
He frowned. “You have?”
“Hell yeah,” Baji said, with pride. He wanted to rub it in, especially since Kazutora was acting especially cocky.
“When?”
“Last year.” A girl had confessed to him, and they dated for a short time. Actually, they dated for a week, shared a rather sloppy kiss, and then broke up because she claimed he got into too much trouble, which was weird, because she knew he was a delinquent, but it’s not like he cared much. He liked her, sure, and the kiss was okay—too much tongue and awkward nose bumps—but it wasn't nerve-racking or mind-blowing or anything of the sort. It simply happened.
Baji looked over, wondering why Kazutora had gone quiet instead of replying with his usual snappy remark, but Kazutora was intently focused on the screen in front of them.
“Do you want me to teach you?” He felt himself asking before his brain had a chance to fully process the words.
Kazutora’s eyes widened. “Teach me…?” he asked in a small voice, confused.
Kazutora’s shock made Baji nervous, but he wasn’t going to back out now. He already said it, so he might as well follow through.
“To kiss,” he clarified, watching as Kazutora turned to face him. It was sort of cute to see such a dazed look on his face, but Baji wasn’t ever going to say that out loud.
“You think you’re good enough to teach someone else?” The bastard asked doubtingly.
Baji scowled. “Asshole, 'course I am.” He might not have the most experience in the world, but he sure as hell was confident. Plus, the thought of kissing Kazutora was just—infuriating, in a way. Baji thought about it a lot, more than he liked to, and it got to the point where he would annoyingly dream of sharing a kiss with the bastard more often than not. All too embarrassing to ever admit.
“…okay, then,” Kazutora whispered, bringing his knees to his chest timidly, like he was trying to close himself off. It was decently dark in the room, but Baji could clearly see the bright red flush on Kazutora’s cheeks.
Honestly, screw him for making Baji lose confidence.
But Baji wasn’t going to chicken out, not when he got permission to do what he’d been thinking about for so long now, so he leaned in, one hand still interlocked with Kazutora’s under the blanket, the other finding place on Kazutora’s knee, and kissed him.
It was awkward at first. Kazutora kept his mouth tight and closed, obviously tense, but after a few seconds he relaxed and Baji could kiss him properly, leaning in further until their foreheads were touching, his hand gripping Kazutora's tighter under the blanket.
And despite how inexperienced and young they were, Baji thought it was the best feeling he had ever known—that he could spend his whole life kissing Kazutora and it still wouldn’t be enough, that he would still want more of him.
Would it be too naive to call this feeling love? Maybe. They had their whole lives ahead of them, and what would two reckless boys know about a feeling as strong and as profound as love?
But, in hindsight, anything less seemed unfitting. It was, is, and will always be, love.)
"it's like you told me
go forward slowly"
“Did you rent out the entire store?” Kazutora asks from his place on the floor, shuffling through the countless number of movies Baji has stacked beside his TV.
“My mom got them for me. Thought I’d get bored spending so much time at home or some shit like that.” Baji can’t remember exactly what his mom said, just that she came home one early morning with DVD’s stuffed chaotically under her arms.
He heats up his ramen, making enough for two, and when that’s done, he brings it over to his living room, setting the pot and chopsticks on the coffee table. “Picked one yet?”
Kazutora ponders for a few seconds more, sorting through the collection before finally settling on one. “The Outsiders,” he says, opening the case and inserting it in the VCR. “An American cult classic.”
Baji hasn’t seen that one, so he nods. He dumps out the contents of his store bag on the table, sour candy spilling out. Kazutora makes a face as he settles beside Baji. He prefers sweets, like chocolate, Baji knows, but it’s not like he was expecting to find him sitting on a hill in the middle of the night like some weirdo, so he will just have to make do.
They both dig in, and for a while, it feels nostalgic.
“This is actually pretty good,” Kazutora says after a few bites, like it’s a surprise.
“Fuck you.” He’s not the best of cooks, but he doesn't need to be reminded of it.
“Ramen isn’t that hard, so I guess that explains why even you can make it.”
Baji rolls his eyes, shoving Kazutora with his shoulder.
“Shut up and pay attention to the movie, bastard.”
Kazutora hums. He does as told, if only for a few minutes as they finish their food.
“I like this movie.”
“You’ve seen it before?” Baji asks, opening up a pack of sour gummy worms. It’s fairly interesting, but he’s having a hard time paying attention when Kazutora is sitting right next to him and all he wants to do is reach over and take his hand in his own.
“Once, but it kinda reminds me of us. The gang, I mean.”
“Yeah, I guess it’s similar," Baji supposes.
“That guy, right there, reminds me of Draken,” he points at the screen. “He’s always taking care of his brothers and the gang, kinda like how Draken keeps everyone in check.”
Baji nods. He can’t remember his name—was it Darious? Darry? He isn’t sure.
“And Ponyboy reminds me of Mitsuya,” Kazutora points again as the scene flashes and a new character appears on screen. “They both get good grades and shit like that.”
“How about you?”
“That one,” he points at the scrawnish looking kid with a small build and nervous eyes. Not what Baji expected, but that kid looks similar to Kazutora when they first met—small and scared. “His name’s Johnny. His dad beats the shit out of him too, so I guess we have that in common.”
“Which one reminds you of me?” He’s curious.
Kazutora takes a few minutes before responding, and just as Baji thinks he’s forgotten, he points to a new character. “That one. His name’s Dally.”
Not that Baji has been paying much attention, but Dally looks like an asshole. If Baji ever came across a person like that, then he’s almost certain they wouldn’t get along. “Why?”
“Cause you’re both violent assholes,” Kazutora quickly answers. Fuck him. Draken gets caring, Mitsuya gets smart, and he gets asshole? “But you’re both loyal,” he continues. “And he’s always looking out for Johnny, just like you do for me.”
He’s still not satisfied, but if Kazutora keeps on talking, he knows it’ll just get worse.
“Whatever,” Baji grumbles.
“You don’t like him?” Kazutora has the audacity to sound surprised.
“Do you?”
“I admire him,” he says. “He dies at the end, you know?”
“Bastard,” Baji growls. “How the fuck was I supposed to know that? I’ve never seen this movie before.”
“Oh, well, since I’ve already spoiled the ending, then I’ll just tell you now that Johnny dies too.”
“You’re the worst person to watch movies with.”
“They die bad deaths, and it’s kinda unfair when you think about it, but maybe they just didn’t deserve happy endings. Not everyone does.”
Baji’s confused. “Where are you going with this?”
“Johnny killed someone, so it’s justice, isn’t it? You do bad things, you’re supposed to die. No amount of good can make up for the bad that you’ve done, but good and happiness are only temporary.”
“Hey—”
“Shinichiro-kun is always going to be dead. There’s no bringing him back, no matter what I do. No good will ever bring him back to life and erase Mikey’s pain.” He’s spiraling, Baji can tell. “I won’t ever be able to fix it, so it has to be a life for a life, right? That’s justice. It’s what I deserve because it’s my fault. If it’s not Mikey’s, then it’s mine. It’s all my fault, so I have to die—”
Baji pulls him in, burying his face in his shoulder, and finally, finally, he’s holding Kazutora again. It’s been far too long. “Will dying erase Mikey’s pain, you idiot?” He asks, not looking for an answer. “You can’t do that. You’re not allowed to die, you understand me? How do you think I will feel if you’re gone? How can that be justice when it’ll make me sad? Losing you, that’ll make me sad, Kazutora.” You have no clue how much.
“But what else can I do? I just don’t know.”
“You’re not alone.” Baji hugs him tighter, tight enough that it might be suffocating, so he’s drowning in the boy he loves and nothing else. “We’ll get you help. I won’t leave you.”
“There’s so many things wrong with me, Baji,” Kazutora says, shaking.
“There isn’t,” Baji denies, because there isn’t. He doesn't want to help him to change him. He fell in love with this Kazutora, just like how he will always be in love with Kazutora—the person he is now, and the person who he will become. He just wants to help the boy he loves, help him so he isn’t always so scared and angry at himself and the world; help him so he isn’t always weighed down by his parents, or Shinichiro’s death, or the years he spent in reform school. Healing isn’t easy, Baji knows, but they’re just kids, and this isn’t justice. “Let me help you, Tora," he pleads.
A long silence passes, filled with nothing but the song from the end credits of the movie playing.
Baji waits, lets Kazutora take his time, holds Kazutora closer and tighter. He waits until he can feel Kazutora’s arms encircling him, clutching on tightly to his hoodie, hugging him back. If feels like an eternity.
“Okay,” Kazutora finally says, voice small. “Please, help me.”
Baji holds a crying Kazutora in his arms for the rest of the night, whispering soft variations of it’s okay and I’m right here. Even as the movie ends and the credits roll, Baji combs his fingers through Kazutora’s unkempt hair, soothing him to sleep. He feels himself drifting off too, but desperately tries to hold on to his last bit of consciousness so he can relish in the feeling of Kazutora in his arms just a little longer.
They can figure shit out tomorrow. Tonight, it’s just them.