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This week has been an actual hell for Carlos.
Not only did he stay awake most nights because of the nightmares, but he got triggered by anything during the day. Loud noises, laughing, people speaking too loudly, sudden movements, when someone touched him, patted him, or just raised a hand too close to his face or hair, and smelling a bit of smoke got him a panic attack.
Twice.
When he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror, he couldn’t recognize himself. His curly hair was messy and all over the place (Mother wouldn’t like that), the bags under his eyes looked like bruises, and his clothes were wrinkled and dirty.
He looked almost as bad as when he first arrived in Auradon.
Expect the bags under his eyes were actual bruises and his hair wasn’t that messy (Mother could never let him go with messy hair, his hair must be perfect).
His hand almost unconsciously grabbed a comb and dragged it through the mess on his head. (That’s right, you don’t want to upset Mother)
“Carlos? Everything okay in there?”
The voice broke his concentration, and he weakened the hold on the comb. It fell from his hand and hit the floor with a light thud.
He barely registered it. His attention was on his hair, which was now much better than before. Still not perfect, but better.
“Yeah, almost finished.”
He ran a hand through the hair one last time and went to the door.
Walking into their shared room, he found Jay sitting on his bed, looking out the window. His long hair was in a half ponytail, and his leather jacket was by his side, along with a blanket.
Right, the picnic. He almost forgot.
It was hard this past month to get together, just the four of them, and talk, so they decided that they would make themselves a little picnic and talk properly this weekend.
At first, Carlos was excited, but the exhaustion from this whole week turned all of the excitement into annoyance. The last thing he wanted was to go to a picnic, but he promised, and he didn’t want to upset his friends.
He just hoped they wouldn’t notice his appearance. He was not in the mood to talk about it. But they surely noticed his jumpiness this week, and he was pretty sure Jay woke up at least once during his nightmares, even though he tried to be quiet.
He sighed and began changing his clothes. He managed to find some that weren’t that bad and put them on. It was black trousers and a white t-shirt with red stripes.
As soon as he was finished, Jay walked to the door, blanket in hand.
“Come on, we are already late, and you know the girls don’t like it.”
Carlos hummed in agreement.
When they finally arrived at the place, Mal and Evie were already there, lying on a blanket and eating all different kinds of food. Carlos noticed that Mal had a large bowl of strawberries just for herself.
He chuckled lightly, surprising himself. It was the first laugh in a whole week.
Maybe being here with them will help me after all, he thought briefly and sat on the blanket Jay put next to the girls.
“Sorry we are so late. Carlos was occupying the bathroom for like half an hour.”
Half an hour?
No wonder Jay was checking on him.
“Oh, Carlos, you look great, don’t worry.“ Evie smiled, but her eyes were studying him like she was looking for clues.
He lowered his gaze and bowed his head. He didn’t want her to notice the bags under his eyes.
“Thanks,” he mumbled and began to play with a hole in his trousers.
His friends started talking. He tried to keep track, but it was just too much. Evie mentioned another dress she designed, Mal began to talk about Ben, and Jay shared his stories from Tourney practice. He slightly flinched when Jay raised his voice to imitate his teammates.
After some time, he noticed the silence. He lifted his head. All of his friends were looking at him with various stages of concern in their eyes.
“What?!” He asked, a little bit sharper than he intended.
They barely hid their surprise. Carlos hasn’t been angry with them before. Ever.
Finally, Mal broke the silence.
“What’s going on, Carlos?”
Her tone demanded an answer, and her intense gaze made him uncomfortable.
He started to reach for his hair, but he stopped himself. (You aren’t allowed to touch anything that belongs to Mother) He placed his hand down on the grass to ground himself.
He knew this was a bad thought, and he promised himself and his friends that he would never think about his hair like that again.
They noticed. Of course, they did.
“I’m fine, don’t-” he started, but Jay interrupted him.
“Why didn’t you tell me something? Or Mal? Or Evie? You know we are here for you, right?”
They all looked so hurt by him not saying anything. He wanted to, but they seemed so happy that he was doing okay. He didn’t want to disappoint them. But he did, which was worse than what would have happened if he had told them. Why was he always such a failure? Mother was right. (Mother is always right)
He didn’t say anything. His right eye began to twitch, and the urge to run away almost made him physically ill.
His heart was pounding like crazy. He started to take deep breaths to calm himself down.
“Carlos? Carlos?”
He ignored their attempts to help him and began to stand up. He had to get back to his room.
But before he could, someone grabbed his arm. Suddenly he wasn’t in Auradon anymore.
He was back in Hell Hall, the dark walls surrounding him and ruining any chance of escaping.
The hand grabbing his arm disappeared, but he heard high heels clicking. They were getting closer. He tried to escape, but his feet were rooted to the floor.
His breathing got quicker, and he began sweating. He already felt phantom pain from his previous injuries and tried to prepare for new ones.
When his mother appeared behind him, he froze. He forced himself to breathe quietly and more calmly. He felt the smoke from her cigarette deep in his lungs.
The smell made him gag a little.
“Carlos,” she purred into his ear.
He shivered and clenched his jaw.
She began to run her sharp nails across his scalp and slightly tugged his hair. It brought him comfort for some strange reason. Maybe it was the happy memories he had associated with it when he sat with her, and she ran her fingers through his hair like it was the most precious thing to her. Which then was, his hair stopped being his, and the happy memories stopped. But the beginning was always nice.
“I heard you are so happy in Auradon, hmm?” She applied slight pressure on her fingers, her nails leaving behind small lines on his scalp.
He flinched, but the hand didn’t stop.
“Y-yeah,” he said and relaxed a little when nothing happened.
“But you failed your friends, didn’t you?”
His heart began racing again. He wanted to tell them. He wanted. He-
“And you failed me.”
She grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled his head back. He winced and began trembling.
“I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he repeated over and over again, even though he knew it won’t work.
“You proved once again that you are a useless failure.” She put her chin on his shoulder.
“And stop trembling. You know it annoys me.” She traced his jaw with her nail.
“I also heard you were a bad boy. What did I say about touching your hair? Whose hair it is?”
The grip on his hair tightened, and he fought back an urge to scream.
“Yo-Yours, yours,” he breathed out. Hot tears appeared on his cheeks, but he didn’t care.
“Yes, mine. And what do you do with things that belong to me?”
She released the grip on his hair and hit him in the back with her cane. He fell to his knees.
“I don’t touch it, I don’t- don’t touch it.” He repeated it like a mantra hoping it would be enough to calm his mother down.
When the tip of a cigarette touched his neck, he let out a dreadful shriek that everyone outside Hell Hall must have heard.
He curled up in a ball with his hands over his head (careful not to touch the hair), closed his eyes, and began his mantra again.
“Do-don’t to-touch it, don’t touch it, don’t touch it.”
He felt a hand on his shoulder. He flinched.
“Carlos?”
No! He covered his ears and hoped the trembling would stop soon.
Mother didn’t like when he trembled; she will be even madder. She will put him in the closet again, he will be in darkness, alone, with more burns and bruises, but maybe if his damned body stopped trembling, it wouldn’t happen.
He will be a good boy and won’t touch his Mother’s hair again. And she will become gentle again, like when he was younger. He won’t be a failure anymore.
The hand was back on his shoulder, and with her came a voice. A familiar voice.
“Carlos, you’re in Auradon (so happy in Auradon, so happy in Auradon). You’re safe. Cruella isn’t here.”
Hearing his mother’s name said out loud made him whimper. It was a trick. He can’t open his eyes. He won’t.
“Carlos, it’s Evie. Can you please open your eyes? For me?”
Her voice was gentle, but so was his mother’s when she wanted. The hand on his shoulder didn’t move to hurt him.
He slowly began to register the hard ground on which he lay. And the smell of grass and dirt. Hell Hall didn’t smell like that.
He began breathing slower and told himself the things he could feel (ground, hand on his shoulder, his clothes, sun on his face), things he could hear (voices of his friends, birds, his breathing), things he could smell (grass, Evie’s perfume), things he could taste (blood in his mouth).
When he felt calmer, he finally opened his eyes.
The first thing he saw was Evie. She was crying. Carlos uncurled himself, realizing it was her hand on his shoulder, and lay on his back, looking at the sky.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Evie said and wiped away her tears with a sleeve.
Jay and Mal appeared next to her, both looking devasted.
“How long?” Mal’s voice sounded like she was crying too. The thought of them crying because of him made him angry. He shouldn’t be the reason they cry.
“A week. I have been having nightmares and flashbacks, but I didn’t want to disappoint you all, so I kept it secret. Guessing today was the breaking point.”
“You have to tell us things like this. And I promise you won’t disappoint us, ever.” That was Jay. Carlos smiled and felt tears forming in the corners of his eyes.
“Okay,” he said softly and felt Jay’s hand on his own.
“Your trauma doesn’t disappear overnight, and we get it. You don’t have to fear telling us when something’s wrong. We will help you, always.”
Another hand on his. By the cold fingers, he recognized Evie. He liked her cold touch. It made him relax.
“We love you, Carlos, but don’t scare us like this ever again. Jay almost lost all his hair from nerves.” At least Mal was okay again.
“You are one to talk. You were so white I thought I saw a statue.”
“At least I wouldn’t be a bald one.”
Carlos started to laugh. And cry.
He was a fool when he didn’t tell them. They were his family, and they cared about him. He was going to be okay, and he will touch his hair again. He will heal, fall back, and heal again. And he will have a family by his side.
Always.