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Hajime entered the apartment and closed the door, heaving a sigh of relief knowing the day was over. Work that day had been more tiring than usual, but he was pretty sure that was only because of how desperately he wanted to be at home on that day rather than behind a desk.
“I’m home,” he called into the house, taking off his shoes and putting them away before he ventured any further. “Nagito?”
He glanced around the rooms, frowning to himself. It typically didn’t take any time at all for Nagito to greet him, whether it be from a few rooms away or in person. Especially given what occasion the two were supposed to be celebrating, the fact that Nagito hadn’t even called out a greeting was surprising.
After peeking his head into some of the rooms and walking around the apartment, it soon became clear as to why that was. It was because he wasn’t there.
Hajime’s frown deepened. Obviously, Nagito was allowed to come and go as he pleased, and Hajime wasn’t expecting updates as to where Nagito was at all given times. But it wasn’t like him to leave for no reason.
Especially on their first wedding anniversary.
It wasn’t as if he forgot. Nagito was usually pretty good with dates, and the two were looking forward to spending the evening together since they couldn’t have the day to themselves given Hajime’s stringent work schedule. Hajime wanted to be patient and simply assume that Nagito went to the grocery store or something, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was up.
And just when he was about to swallow his pride and send his husband a text, Hajime’s eyes landed on an envelope with his name on it, resting atop a moleskin notebook.
His eyes scanned over the envelope before he picked it up. Judging by the penmanship and lack of address, this had to be from Nagito. Underneath it was an unfamiliar notebook. No, wait… he had seen the pocketbook before; Nagito wrote in it on occasion, especially during their time at Hope’s Peak Academy. When the two started living together, Hajime would sometimes see it sitting on the bedside table, or tucked away in his sock drawer. He never questioned what it was or what Nagito was writing inside of it, naturally; it was none of his business.
He frowned to himself, turning his attention back to the envelope in his hands. Was he supposed to open this now? Or was he supposed to wait until Nagito was there with him? If it was out in the open like this… it wasn’t like it was a secret or anything. Maybe this had something to do with why his husband was out of the house.
So, with that thought in mind, Hajime opened the barely sealed envelope and took out a card that was written inside.
“Hajime,
Happy Anniversary. In my wildest dreams, I never could have imagined saying these words to anyone, let alone you, but I will not question the good fortune that has come our way over the last several years.
As you very well know, though there are many things I’m terrible at, there are two talents that I lack: gift-giving and expressing my feelings properly. Every time I attempt to express my admiration and love it comes out sounding sad or pitiful. And unlike you, I can never seem to find a gift that’s both meaningful and useful.
So, though I understand this is probably not an ideal gift, I felt this could show you how I felt.
Several years ago, after I had just gotten my diagnosis, I was forced by my doctor to see a therapist. She gave me the assignment to come up with a list of reasons to live. She said that it didn’t have to be long and that the reasons could be as simple as I’d like, like autumn leaves and rainy afternoons and other nonsense. Being the hopeless teenager I was, I only wrote one reason: ‘To wait to die a meaningful death.’
Naturally, she appeared quite dissatisfied with this answer.” Hajime had to let out a laugh at that. “ As simple as she was, she was persistent and assigned me the task of writing 100 reasons to live. I told her it was impossible, that I only had the one, but she refused to hear any of my excuses. I told her it would take years, and I would most likely be dead before I’d be able to complete my list, but she told me to work on it until then.
Like I thought, it did take years to finish, simply because the list was non-existent when I began. I never planned on showing this to anyone, but naturally, if anyone is going to see this, it is going to be you.
This is quite possibly the most pathetic excuse for an anniversary present, but I can’t find any other way to show you how much you’ve impacted my life. I hope this illustrates how much I care about you, and how you mean the world to me.”
The card ended there. Hajime read it over carefully once more, making sure he understood Nagito correctly. He wanted him to… read his journal? No, it wasn’t a journal, it was a list of reasons why he should stay alive.
He couldn’t help but be curious. The two had been through a lot together, including many depressive episodes. He wanted to know what motivated Nagito to keep going when things were hard. He wanted to know what truly had the deepest impact on his life. After hearing so many reasons why Nagito wanted to die, it would be so nice to see the reasons he had to live.
So, without hesitating much further, Hajime set the card back down on the table and opened up the moleskin booklet.
“1. To wait to die a meaningful death.”
Just like Nagito had said in the card, that was how he began the list. The handwriting was bold and large, taking up most of the page; as if he was purposefully trying to show this was all he was planning on writing.
However, Hajime turned the page to find he had continued.
“2. To see hope overcome despair”
The page behind it held only one reason as well. Was there going to be one reason on every page?
“3. To see those who are talented bring hope”
The first three reasons to live were so… hopeless. So Nagito. But, as Hajime had years to learn and understand the man he loved so much, he understood why the list was so disheartening.
For years, it was almost as if Nagito's life was just filled with... death. His parents dying when he was so young, his luck making him fear every action he took could possibly end either his own life or someone else's, a terminal illness overtook his life and a hatred of his own self that made him want the end to come as quickly as possible. Hajime could barely wrap his head around the depressing reality Nagito lived, and the more he thought about it, the more his heart ached for him. Death was all around him, all the time... it was no wonder he lost most appreciation for life.
And yet, there were still 97 pages left.
Flipping another page, he read on.
“4. To attend Hope’s Peak Academy and see hope up close
If I must attend Hope’s Peak Academy in order for my luck to balance out, I might as well use this opportunity to see the hope of others up close.”
The reason was written at the top of the page, just like the three before it, but Nagito had added a little note of his own near the bottom of the page.
This must have been written right after Nagito decided to accept the school’s offer after initially declining. It was kind of funny to see Nagito dreading having to attend Hope’s Peak when Hajime would have given anything to be accepted.
The only reason Nagito went was to let his good/bad luck cycle balance out. He never wanted to be there, but he went anyway. Hajime was glad he did; he never would have been able to meet him, otherwise.
“5. To not make Nanami-san sad or angry
Nanami-san is our class representative. I would not want her to feel responsible if something were to happen to me.”
“6. To not make Tsumiki-san sad or angry or blame herself
Tsumiki-san and I have talked before. She feels guilty for everything, though I cannot understand why someone as talented as her would feel guilty when she didn’t do anything. I wouldn’t want her to feel guilty for my death.”
Hajime smiled softly at the pages, heart swelling. It was so nice to know how much of an effect those two had so early on in Nagito’s life, even before he allowed himself to become friends with either of them. They probably had no idea how much they meant to Nagito from the very beginning.
“7. To let Matsuda finish his research on finding a solution for dementia
The Ultimate Neurologist approached me and expressed an interest in my diagnosis. He wants to test his abilities and see if he can slow my brain deterioration. He said this has nothing to do with wanting to help me but wants to know if his treatments would work.
This is what I was hoping for. This is what I have been waiting for all along. A chance to finally make myself useful. Perhaps this diagnosis wasn't all bad luck after all. If I can make Matsuda further his talent and find hope… I will have successfully been a stepping stone for him! I agreed and tried to reassure him by saying I wouldn't mind whatever treatment he did on me, even if it accidentally killed me. He then got mad at me, so I stopped talking.”
Yasuke Matsuda, the Ultimate Neurologist, was able to successfully treat Nagito’s dementia and stop it from growing worse. That being said, his brain didn't recover from the damage of his illness. Matsuda said it was impossible and that he couldn't make him "normal again," but Nagito didn't mind at all. The only reason he let Matsuda experiment on him in the first place was that he wanted to further Matsuda's talent... he had no hope in recovering at all.
“8. To stop Reserve Course students from thinking they’re better than trash like me
The Reserve Course students are talentless scum who attempt to feed off the Main Course students through money. How disgusting. They think so highly of themselves... I will gladly pay whatever price to make sure their egos don't inflate any more than they already are. Even if that means living through my years here.”
Hajime snorted, shaking his head. Of course one of Nagito’s reasons to live would be out of spite. If there was a chance that killing himself would lead to Reserve Course students thinking he was weak and therefore assuming they had more willpower than him, he’d make sure he outlived them.
Well, any reason to live was better than no reasons to live, Hajime supposed. He turned through the pages, reading every word, but he froze when came to a single entry.
“12. To understand why the Ultimates would want to befriend a talentless Reserve Course student like Hinata-kun.”
He chuckled. It made sense that the first time Nagito wrote about Hajime would be to refer to him as a “talentless Reserve Course student.” Hajime wasn’t even sure if this counted as a reason to live; it was just too passive-aggressive. He probably wrote it out of anger after he saw Hajime hanging around class 77-B and trying to “leech off their talent” or whatever.
The insult obviously didn’t sting like it once did. If anything, he regarded it semi-fondly, knowing that it was just proof of how much they have both changed since high school. He was a bit surprised Nagito didn’t elaborate any more on this like he had in previous entries. He had the opportunity to fill the page with insults and degradations, but he didn’t.
He continued reading.
“15. To make sure Hinata-kun doesn’t realize how pathetic I am”
This made Hajime pause. What did that mean? Did he really mean that he wouldn’t kill himself just so Hajime would never discover how miserable he was? That was… depressing.
Truth be told, it didn’t take long for Hajime to see how depressed Nagito was. It didn’t take anyone that long, really. There were only so many self-deprecating rants one could go on before everyone got the hint that they weren’t mentally healthy.
Back then, Nagito had been so sad, and hid it all so carefully behind a calm smile. It wasn’t a fake smile, but it was an apathetic smile, if that made any sense. A smile that read “I’m so used to everything falling apart around me, I’m no longer sad or angry when it happens, so I may as well smile to keep others from worrying.” It took a while for Hajime to grasp that concept, but when he did, he suddenly had a strong desire to break that smile; break it and replace it with a genuine smile.
Back then, he didn’t know why he cared so much for Nagito when he had been so strange and so condescending. But he was glad he cared because now he got to see that genuine smile every day.
Hajime smiled down at the book, overcome with nostalgia and adoration. But he had only gotten through a few pages… if he kept getting this emotional, he would be in tears by the end.
He kept reading, and only paused again when he read his name again.
“20. To see Hinata-kun smile some more
How can a Reserve Course's student make the room light up? Like the sun. In a way it is sort of ironic, considering his name. Even so, Hinata-kun shouldn't have this ability. But I want to see it again.”
He turned another page
“21. To hear Hinata-kun’s laugh a few more times
Whenever I hear him laugh my heart hurts. How does someone as talentless as him do it? I want to hear it again.”
And another.
“22. To get another gift from Hinata-kun
If gift giving is a talent, Hinata-kun has it. He gave me a gift. A perfect gift. Too wonderful for the likes of me. Though I am undeserving, I am disgustingly selfish and am hoping perhaps he will give me another in the future.”
Hajime stared. He wished the entries had dates on them so he could know when Nagito started feeling this way towards him. From the timeline he was making in his head, this couldn’t have been long after they first started getting along. Had he already made it on his list of reasons to live by then?
Nagito always called their first interaction “love at first sight,” which Hajime had always considered a stretch since all he did was call Hajime trash and told him to stop trying to associate with the others. The rest of class 77-B confirmed that Nagito was head over heels for Hajime long before the two started dating… Hajime was simply oblivious.
If this was the way Nagito was feeling about him, maybe he really was dense.
He turned back to the small booklet.
“25. To go to another one of Nanami-san’s game parties
Nanami-san, our wonderful class representative, likes to host get-togethers where we play games with each other. She always invites everyone, even trash like me.”
“26. To see if Souda-kun is ever successful in his attempts to date Sonia”
“27. To go to Hanamura’s restaurant
Though I have tasted his cooking, Hanamura has stated the diner—sorry, the restaurant his family owns has even better food. He wants everyone in class to visit sometime. I would hate to disappoint him. He's quite scary when he's angry.”
“28. To see Miodai-san’s first big concert because she’ll be mad at me if I miss it
Miodai-san's talent is extraordinary but really loud. I would not typically be a fan of the genre she plays, nor would I want to attend an event so crowded, but she's very insistent that I come to her first show. I can't deny an Ultimate's wishes...”
Once again, Hajime felt a wave of appreciation for class 77-B wash over him. From the sounds of it, they hadn’t been too accepting of Nagito when they first met him, but with a little encouragement from Chiaki and Yukizome, they grew to be tolerant of him, quirks and all. And even if Nagito did not call it friendship at the time, it was nice to know that he noticed they cared for him in their own ways.
“29. To kiss someone for the first time
I have never felt this way before. I know it’s impossible. No one would ever want to kiss someone as disgusting as me. But if it were possible”
The writing cut off there. As he turned a page, he realized who he had in mind when he wrote that reason.
“30. To kiss Hinata-kun”
The reason was written clearly at the top, every letter of the phrase so carefully constructed. As if writing it clearly could emphasize how much he wanted it.
Hajime half-laughed to himself. God, if this was Nagito’s realization that he felt this way… the stark differences between Nagito and Hajime were incredible. Hajime could still remember the first time thinking about that white-haired Main Course student who was just starting to leave him alone… and thinking about how attractive he was. He was so embarrassed and denied his feelings emphatically. Meanwhile, Nagito was so sure that it was what he wanted and just accepted it… but had no hope that it would ever happen, refusing to believe that someone would ever want to spend time with him, let alone kiss him.
Hajime glanced towards the wedding band on his finger and smiled. Man, they were idiots back then. And probably still were.
He stared at the next few entries, feeling his heart still as his eyes scanned the next few pages.
“35. To tell Hinata-kun I love him
This is wrong. This is so insanely wrong. Everything good falls apart in the end, this will too And yet, I want to tell him. I want to get it off my chest. I am so incredibly selfish and horrible and I can’t even begin to imagine the disgust Hinata-kun will feel when scum like me comes crawling to him on my knees, practically begging for attention. Maybe he’ll punch me. Maybe he’ll tell everyone and leave me humiliated. Maybe he’ll spit in my face. Though he doesn’t seem like the type to do any of this, he should. He has earned the right to.”
Jesus Christ…
Hajime couldn’t even begin to unpack all of that. The writing at the bottom was so small and condensed barely legible just so Nagito could fit in more self-deprecations and unlikely scenarios.
He knew this was just the way Nagito was, and that they spent so many years together to let Hajime prove how differently he felt. But he couldn’t stop himself from wanting to hug his husband when he got the chance.
“37. To graduate from Hope’s Peak Academy
Nothing really happened these last few years. Though it is true I am now dating Hinata-kun, for reasons I still can’t comprehend. Bad luck must be just around the corner. How depressing. I wonder what will happen. I’m excited to see it. With all the good luck I’ve been experiencing, it must be something truly terrible!”
Hajime sighed. He couldn’t understand how this could be considered a reason to live, but that was just Nagito.
“40. To stay in remission”
Hajime felt a pang in his heart reading that, smiling softly to himself. He could still remember the ecstasy he had felt when that day came. Despite the short life expectancy, the doctors were able to declare that Nagito’s body no longer had any evidence of disease.
To recover from stage III cancer was no easy feat, but Nagito had done it. Of course, the other stated it was all thanks to his luck cycle (which was quite discrediting to the doctors who worked their asses off to treat him, Hajime had thought, but he hadn’t said anything at the time.) It was all the same to Hajime; he was just so relieved to know Nagito’s body was no longer at war with itself.
“44. To continue experimenting with my luck cycle.
I’ve been very confused lately. Though good luck keeps coming my way, bad luck no longer follows. Not counting simple stumbling blocks, nothing major has happened. I’ve been dating Hinata-kun for half a year and am no longer sick. I was so certain I would be dead by now. Or perhaps he would be dead. Someone was going to die, I was so sure of it. Was I wrong about everything? Is the luck cycle not as simple as I thought it was? I have no idea.”
Nagito lived on the edge of his seat for tragedy to strike. Hajime was so glad that it hadn’t come in the horrible ways he thought it would.
“47. To hold a puppy again someday”
“48. To read some more books
I learned today there are over 130 million published books in the world. I need to read some more.”
“49. To go on a carousel again someday
I haven’t been on one since the trip with my parents. It wasn’t so dangerous. It was actually kind of fun. Maybe I’ll ride one again.”
“50. To build a sandcastle for the first time”
It just kept going…
“56. Stargazing
Maybe I’ll learn the different constellations someday.”
“57. Looking at the clouds”
“58. Pretty flowers”
It wasn’t until then that Hajime noticed a big difference in Nagito’s writing… his reasons to live were no longer simply actions he felt he had to take before he could die. His reasons to live started including parts of life that just made him happy.
Life itself had become enjoyable again.
“59. Dates with Hinata-kun
I don't care where he takes me. He could take me to a garbage dump and I would be happy to be with him. Though I think I’d prefer the park...”
“60. Sleeping under trees”
“61. Holding Hinata-kun’s hand”
“62. Waking up next to Hinata-kun
I sometimes wake up in fear that this is all a dream and I’m still young and sick and alone, but I open my eyes and he’s right there next to me, still fast asleep. If it were possible to die from happiness, I would have died in one of those moments, I’m sure.”
“63. Early morning sunrises and evening sunsets”
“64. Libraries”
“65. Reading books with Hinata-kun”
“66. Dancing with Hinata-kun
He’s so terrible at it, as expected of a former Reserve Course student. But I’m pretty bad too… and I don’t mind if he steps on my feet.”
“67. Taking warm showers”
“68. Holding Hinata-kun”
The lightheartedness of every reason was making his heart swell with warmth. He knew Nagito had worked to get better and change his way of thinking, but reading it all like this, he was so proud of him for coming all this way.
“78. To get married to Hajime”
Hajime couldn’t stop his smile from widening as he read that. When they were engaged, Nagito told him that he used to forbid himself to dream of getting married to Hajime, because he never wanted to get his hopes up too high.
When Hajime proposed to him, the process took a little longer than usual because Nagito had been so at war with himself over the idea. He wanted to, he said… god, he wanted it so badly. But he thought that that would be the breaking point for his luck cycle; that would be the thing that pushed it over the edge and finally killed either him or Hajime.
But Hajime was persistent. If he gave up easily, their relationship would have fallen apart years prior. It was a conversation that took over two hours, but Nagito finally accepted his proposal. And it all worked out like Hajime promised it would.
Staring down at the notebook, Hajime became hyperaware of the fact that his eyes were burning. He blinked quickly, turning the page before he could get too emotional.
That plan became significantly harder once his gaze fell on:
“87. To try and be a good husband”
It was the same as the promise he made on their wedding day.
He didn’t let himself think too much about it and kept reading.
“90. Spring weather”
“91. Long walks in the park”
“92. Hearing birds in the morning
Hajime thinks they’re annoying when they wake us up at 5 o’clock, but I like hearing them sing.”
“93. Laughing”
“94. Cherry blossom trees”
“95. The night sky”
“96. Because I love Hajime”
“97. Because Hajime loves me”
“98. To keep feeling this content”
“99. To spend my life with Hajime”
“100. To find more reasons to live”
The notebook came to an end there. All that was left was a small piece of paper held in place on the page by a paperclip.
“Hajime,
I apologize if this is cliché or cheesy, but I suppose there is no way around it.
Thank you, Hajime. I know these years have been far from easy for either of us, but thank you for never leaving me. I know I have been difficult, and I don’t know how you have been able to stay with me for so long, but thank you for encouraging me and supporting me through everything. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for loving me. And thank you for teaching me to love life again.
Forever yours,
Nagito Komaeda”
As soon as he finished the note, Hajime was pulled out of the trance he was in. He was pulled back into their apartment, where he was still standing above the dining table with the small notebook and paper in his hands.
And he realized his vision had become blurry with tears.
Damn it, Nagito… he thought to himself, using the back of one hand to wipe at his eyes. A part of him was glad he read this before his husband was at home with him because the idea of crying over this in front of him was quite embarrassing. The other part of him wished he was there, though, because he really wanted to hug him as soon as humanly possible.
Maybe luck was on his side that day, because soon after he thought that, he heard the sound of the front door unlocking. It then opened and he heard his husband’s voice drifting through the halls.
“Ah, Hajime, you’re home? Sorry I’m late, I was hoping to get back before you got home, but, well, you know my luck, the bus broke down and—“ Nagito froze when he saw Hajime and, more importantly, what was in his hands. “Ah… so, you read it?”
“I never knew you were writing this…” Hajime said after a pause, cursing his voice for sounding a little airy from tears.
“Yes, I tried to keep anyone from knowing about it… ahaha, they would probably think it was pathetic. It kind of is… that’s why I panicked and decided to get a backup gift.” Nagito lifted up a bouquet of squashed flowers, a few petals fluttering to the floor as he did so. Hajime hadn’t noticed that they were in his hands until then. “They looked much nicer when I bought them, but I dropped them on the bus and then someone stepped on them…”
He said nothing, because really, there was no response he had to that. Nagito realized that too and sighed before putting the ruined bouquet on the table. He must have decided that placing them in a vase would be a waste of time and effort.
“Anyway, I apologize! I hope I didn’t traumatize you with my melodramatic ramblings, I—“
“Stop it.” Hajime had set down the notebook and pulled Nagito into a hug before he could say anything else, grateful for the way Nagito went silent and melted into it. “Thank you for showing me this… I know this must have been hard…”
“Ah… it wasn’t, really,” Nagito laughed quietly near his ear, but he reciprocated the hug, anyway. “It’s not hard to show Hinata-kun why he’s so amazing…”
Hajime’s grip on the other tightened. “I’m so glad you’re alive, Nagito. And I’m so happy you want to live again.”
“Me too…” he murmured. “Thank you for making me this way.”
“I didn’t make you this way, dummy,” Hajime chuckled as he pulled away slightly. “You went through all the hard work, you know. I was just there to help.”
“Huh? Don’t sell yourself short, Hinata-kun.” Nagito frowned slightly. “A plant needs the sun to grow, and so do I, Hinata …”
Hajime groaned, burying his face in Nagito’s shoulder. “God, you’re so cheesy .”
“It’s your own fault! You won’t let me insult myself, so I have to say things like this instead.”
“If that’s the case, I guess I won’t complain,” Hajime laughed. He pulled away again to lock eyes with his lover. “I love you, Nagito.”
“I love you too, Hajime. Happy anniversary.”