Chapter Text
Beomgyu felt like an idiot pacing around the living room anxiously, checking his watch every five or so minutes. It was already past midnight and he still hadn’t heard from his roommate since this morning. He knew he wasn’t technically responsible for him; they were both grown adults. Even so, he decided it couldn’t hurt to call again. After a few rings, he was once again directed to voicemail.
“Soobin hyung? It’s me. Again.” He tried his best not to let the stress creep into his voice. “Um, anyway, call me back, or at least let me know where you are.”
Six months ago, Choi Beomgyu had come to Seoul with a single suitcase, fresh out of college. Once he told his parents he changed his major to songwriting, they refused to pay for any more of his accommodations. Their relationship had already strained throughout the years, the impetus being his coming out. They were outwardly accepting, but this career declaration felt like the last straw.
“If you think this is what you want, then you take care of it,” his mother said bitterly. A week after graduation, Beomgyu barely looked back as he boarded a one-way train out of town.
On the way there, he double checked and triple checked the platform where his future roommate would pick him up. In any other circumstance, Beomgyu would’ve been a little more selective when looking for a place to live, but he had to get out of his house as soon as possible. There was a Facebook listing for a roommate in an apartment by the center of Seoul, which Beomgyu snatched as soon as he saw it. He knew nothing about the person he’d be living with, Choi Soobin, but at this point it didn’t really matter.
As he finally arrived, he scanned his surroundings for the description of his future roommate. Black hair, a dark padded jacket, tall…
Beomgyu’s eyes widened at the sight of him. It was pretty hard to miss Soobin; he towered over the rest of the crowd catching the next trains. Tentatively, Beomgyu waved and called out to Soobin. The taller boy turned his head to him and smiled, his dimples coming out of hiding.
“Choi Beomgyu, right?” Soobin confirmed.
“That’s me,” Beomgyu nodded with a tight-lipped smile.
There was a melancholy in Beomgyu’s eyes that pained Soobin. Wanting to offer any sort of comfort, he softly hugged Beomgyu, startling the latter into dropping his suitcase. There were thick layers of clothing separating the two, yet Beomgyu still felt Soobin’s heart thumping against him.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Soobin said, finally letting go. It was only four words, but Beomgyu felt a weight lift from his chest as he was reminded that now, home would no longer a place to fear.
For the past six months, Soobin and Beomgyu had been living with each other. Despite not knowing each other for long, Soobin was Beomgyu’s current best friend. When Beomgyu left home, he cut off all ties without warning, scared of what his former friends would think of him coming out.
Although a little shy at first, Soobin got comfortable around Beomgyu within the first week. Soobin was all the things Beomgyu thought initially: kind, polite, quiet. However, he learned that Soobin could also fight back, teasing just as hard as Beomgyu was inclined to. While shocking at first, this only strengthened their bond.
Throughout those months, Soobin witnessed Beomgyu send in application after application to music labels, to no avail. The nights he would get rejection emails, Soobin always came home with two tubs of ice cream to demolish. During the daytime, Soobin would often pass by the coffee shop Beomgyu started working in, just to greet Beomgyu before he went about his day. It was little things like this that made Beomgyu inexplicably happy.
Beomgyu had never felt this much support from someone until he met Soobin. It was Soobin whose eyes lit up whenever Beomgyu asked him to listen to a demo. It was Soobin who would hang onto every single word of one of Beomgyu’s impromptu rants. And it was Soobin who always picked him up when he felt like sinking into his bed for eternity.
Beomgyu felt a tad bit guilty for leaning on him so much. The boy insisted it was no big deal, but Beomgyu promised to repay him as soon as he could, which proved to be a hard task. Outwardly at least, Soobin was stable, put together. Where Beomgyu shared almost every thought he had instantly, Soobin preferred to sit on his feelings silently. Beomgyu didn’t know how to go about supporting the person who had been his pillar for the past few months.
However, Beomgyu’s opportunity suddenly came with the whirlwind that was Choi Yeonjun. Beomgyu wished he could’ve taken a picture of Soobin’s bewildered face when he came home the day Yeonjun asked him out. To Beomgyu, Soobin hadn’t shown any interest in romance before, so it was a very momentous occasion for the apartment. Yeonjun had asked Soobin out while waiting on his table at a restaurant, writing his number on Soobin’s bill. With a little nudge from Beomgyu, Soobin accepted.
“Beomgyu, I’ll be honest, I have no idea what I’m doing,” Soobin confided before his first date. “I’ve tried dating before, but I was lucky if they lasted two weeks with me.”
“Hey, don’t worry. I’m in your corner,” Beomgyu reassured him. “You’re always there for me, so let me help you for once.”
Choi Yeonjun was, interesting to say the least. If Beomgyu thought he was different from Soobin, Yeonjun was on another planet. He wasn’t just loud vocally, but his presence screamed on the streets. Yeonjun attracted attention constantly, and he reveled in that fact. It was easy for Soobin to get overwhelmed by Yeonjun’s aura, but it was just as easy for him to get constantly starstruck. Beomgyu watched as Yeonjun dragged Soobin to places he wouldn’t dare step foot in alone: clubs, parties, anywhere and everywhere they could do something irresponsible.
Beomgyu still continued to support their relationship nonetheless, as a favor to Soobin. Internally, seeing the pair together rubbed Beomgyu the wrong way, but he couldn’t put his finger on why. He thought that Soobin deserved someone better, someone who would bring out the best in him instead of abruptly ripping him from his comfort zone.
But any time he wanted to voice that concern, he’d see Soobin’s dopey smile after a day out with his boyfriend, and bite his tongue for once.
Soobin dated Yeonjun only for two months, but it was a personal record for him. No matter how hard he tried to brush it off, Beomgyu knew that milestone meant a lot to Soobin, which was why this breakup was all the more devastating. He spent the last week fluctuating between moping silently around the house and drinking at a club until the sun came up. Beomgyu hated how that was the main practice that Soobin took from his past relationship. All the brunet could do was continue pacing around his limited space, anticipating the slightest noise from their front door.
Soobin finally came stumbling into the apartment at around two in the morning, a plastic bag in hand. The hat he was wearing obscured a lot of his head, but even Beomgyu could recognize the telltale flush of someone who had been drinking far too much. Without acknowledging the younger one, Soobin placed the bag on their kitchen counter and threw himself on the couch.
“Hyung, where were you?” Beomgyu scolded him, crossing his arms. “I’ve been calling you nonstop and you didn’t even-”
“M’fine,” Soobin slurred, positioning himself to lie on his back. “I got some groceries,” he pointed at the bag. Cautiously, Beomgyu peered into the bag and saw a small bottle of whiskey, with a good amount of it already gone.
“Dear god, Soobin,” Beomgyu sighed, inspecting the bottle. “You’re a mess.”
“Why’re you still up? Don’t you have a shift tomorrow?” Soobin mumbled, looking up at him. Beomgyu found it so annoying that even when he was an intoxicated mess, Soobin still managed to look good. His tousled hair framed his face perfectly, his smile was carefree and reckless.
“I was waiting for you, idiot. And you’re wrong, I have a shift in a few hours ,” Beomgyu groaned, taking a seat next to Soobin. He knew scheduling opening shifts was a bad idea. “I’ll just call in sick, I guess.”
Soobin mischievously grinned as he quickly sat up. “That means you can party with me!” His slender hands, still cold from the outside, grasped Beomgyu’s forearm.
“You’re not partying, Soobin. You’re wallowing,” he rolled his eyes, peeling his hands off him. The raven haired boy pouted dramatically in response, practically whining. Beomgyu was taken aback by the strong smell of alcohol from Soobin’s mouth.
“It’s a pity party. Humor me.” Soobin playfully took Beomgyu in his arms, locking him in his grasp. Beomgyu’s eyes shot wide as his whole body was pressed up against the other’s, his face turning just as red as Soobin’s, despite being sober.
“Please, can you stay with me?” he whispered, tickling Beomgyu’s ear.
You can’t just do that to me, Soobin, Beomgyu thought futilely. He weakly hugged Soobin back, cursing himself for what he was agreeing to.
Beomgyu figured someone had to be the responsible one, so he did his best to limit his drinking as Soobin blasted white girl pop throughout the apartment. He sat on the couch and looked on in amusement as the older boy danced wildly around the room, screaming along to the music when he could. Soobin was a messy, extroverted drunk for sure. Beomgyu honestly found it a little endearing, since Soobin was usually pretty conservative.
Beomgyu found it less endearing when he remembered that he was the one who had to clean up the aftermath. But still, who could deny the boy in front of him, dancing his heart out to early 2000s Taylor Swift.
“You look stupid,” Beomgyu teased, about to take another sip from the bottle, only to find it virtually empty. This hangover’s gonna suck , he thought to himself.
“I’m celebrating my freedom,” Soobin stuck his tongue out at him. Without warning, he pulled Beomgyu up to his feet with ease and started dancing with him.
“Loosen up! I feel like I’m gonna snap you,” the older laughed. With the whiskey’s help, Beomgyu took his advice and let loose for a little bit. The neighbors definitely hated them for causing such a disturbance late at night, but they could hardly feel sorry as the next song started to play.
It felt like they had been dancing forever, when in reality it took thirty minutes for Soobin to nearly pass out on the couch. The pretty colors and booming music that Beomgyu once felt had died down, fading into their regular old living room.
“Come on, help me a little here,” Beomgyu struggled to lift Soobin’s arm around his shoulder, propping the taller one up. He gritted his teeth and did his best to guide Soobin to his bed for the night.
“Ugh, Gyu, why are you the sweetest guy ever?” Soobin drawled, eyes struggling to stay open. Beomgyu winced at the nickname. He shouldn’t feel as happy as he did when Soobin called him that. You know he doesn’t mean anything by it , Beomgyu told himself.
“Thanks,” Beomgyu grimaced as he set Soobin down on his bed. He was about to leave the room, when his hand was suddenly pulled back.
“No, I mean it!” Soobin grasped onto him. He rambled on, “You’re sweet and funny and thoughtful. And you’re so good at your songwriting stuff. And you’re hot! You’re perfect, huh?”
Beomgyu was grateful the lights weren’t on in Soobin’s room, or else he would’ve seen the bright shade of red his cheeks had turned. They had complimented each other frequently (usually to get a compliment in return) but Beomgyu had never heard Soobin outright say he was hot like that. He hoped to god Soobin couldn’t feel his palm start clamming up as he kept praising him. He’s taking it too far. “I-I don’t know about that-“
Soobin cut him off by pulling him down onto the bed with him, mustering a surprising amount of strength. The two of them ended up lying down, directly facing each other with nowhere to hide. Beomgyu thought for sure Soobin could hear the thumping of his heart, striking against his ribcage.
The once cheerful demeanor Soobin had gradually turned somber as he blankly stared in front of him, deep in thought. “I don’t think I love him anymore.”
“Y-Yeonjun?” Beomgyu apprehensively asked.
“Yeah,” Soobin nodded slowly. “I’ve spent this week thinking about him 24/7, Gyu. Wondering where he is, or who he’s with. I think about him so much it makes me sick.” Beomgyu felt sick now , hearing about Soobin’s feelings for his ex. Still, he nodded and listened.
“But I know he’s not thinking of me. He doesn’t fucking care,” Soobin stated. It nearly broke Beomgyu’s heart hearing how defeated his voice was. “He didn’t even really care when we were together.”
“I’m sorry,” Beomgyu quietly said, unsure of what else to say.
“I loved him though. He treated me like nothing and I still loved him. Why did I do that? Why did I let him?” He sounded drowsy, exhausted from the night, yet his words cut deep.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Soobin,” Beomgyu reassured. “You shouldn’t feel bad for loving. It’ll be okay.” The two laid in silence for a little bit as Beomgyu stroked Soobin’s hair, calming him down to let him sleep peacefully.
“I don’t think I ever heard him tell me he loved me out loud,” Soobin whispered wistfully.
At that moment, Beomgyu was bombarded with emotions. He felt angry beyond belief at Yeonjun for allowing Soobin’s insecurity to get to this point. He felt bewildered at the thought of anyone withholding love from Soobin, of all people. Most of all, he felt so sad that someone he cared about so much looked so dejected in front of him, and there was nothing he could do to fix it in an instant.
“Shh, it’s okay,” Beomgyu repeated in a hushed voice as he continued to gently run his fingers through Soobin’s hair. Soobin looked directly into his eyes, paralyzing him. Beomgyu was definitely drunker than he wanted to be.
“It’s okay, Soobin. I love you.”
Beomgyu knew something was up when his normal alarm wasn’t blaring in the morning. He woke up as the sun broke through the window, almost at noon. Memories slowly started drifting back to him as his headache started to intensify. Right, I drank with Soobin , he thought, rubbing his eyes.
Oh my god, why is he right in front of me? What happened last night?
Carefully, he held his breath as he slowly left the bed so as to not wake the other. As soon as he was in the clear, he made a beeline for the bathroom and locked himself inside. Washing his face, he did his best to rack his brain for any clue to why he was in bed with his roommate. All he could remember was Soobin coming home late, drinking together, dancing. Then he was going to leave Soobin in his bed when-
Oh no. He didn’t need to look at the vanity to see how red he was turning as he slowly recalled the series of events last night.
Idiot! Stupid! Why did you say that? He tried to take deep breaths to calm down, hunched over the sink. It’s okay, just play it off. Besides, I just said it because I thought it would make him feel better. Right?
Beomgyu paused for a second and wondered, why did he say that? Sure, he wanted Soobin to feel better, but a friend would’ve just reassured him and let him be. A friend wouldn’t have been jealous of Yeonjun for being able to hold him. If Beomgyu just wanted to be a friend, he wouldn’t be thinking about him 24/7, wondering where he was, or who he was with. If he just wanted to be Soobin’s friend, he wouldn’t be feeling this pain in his chest as he came to this realization.
Okay, okay. No big deal. So I meant it. So I love him. Whatever. Beomgyu paced back and forth in the bathroom. His aloof thoughts contradicted the nausea rising in his stomach. Just deny and move on. He probably forgot, or maybe he doesn’t even think it’s a big deal! Friends can say I love-
Two light knocks on the door stopped Beomgyu’s train of thought. “Hey,” Soobin said from the outside. “You okay in there?”
“Yeah,” Beomgyu’s voice cracked. “I’m good, I’m good.”
“You sure?”
Beomgyu opened the door and tried to keep a neutral expression. “Mhm. Just a killer headache,” he laughed awkwardly, trailing off. He tried to find a way to escape around Soobin, but the taller one was practically cornering him in the doorframe.
“Should we… talk about last night?”
A look of distress flashed upon Beomgyu’s face, but was quickly replaced by a forced smile. “What’s there to talk about?” he feigned, squeezing past to leave the bathroom. “We had a good talk, and I wanted to let you know that I’m here for you. Platonically, obviously.” He stumbled a bit as he reached for the nightstand to lean on, doing his best to look casual. One look at Soobin and he knew he wasn’t fooling anyone.
“But friends don’t… you know,” Soobin started blushing, embarrassed. Beomgyu furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Sure, he drunkenly confessed, but Soobin was acting like he did something crazy. What he did wasn’t that bad, right?
“Friends don’t kiss each other like that.”
It was that bad.