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Frustrated. That's all Saeran could feel while staring at the many monitors in front of him, all requiring his attention and never giving him the opportunity to breath through, like they wanted to challenge him to see who's losing it first, and to his shame, they're winning. So frustrating. The desk vibrated and let the keyboard jump up after he slammed his fists onto the wood with all strength, secretly hoping it would cause cracks. Work never seemed to end, no matter how quickly he moved his rough fingertips over the keys, there's always something new for him to finish. A growl due to anger came up his throat, he's going to lose it if he kept his eyes any longer onto the hacked code, he's in need of distraction before he accidentally destroys the expensive screens. Annoying. He repeated inside his mind like a broken vinyl record, there's only one way for him to get his act back together and continue what his Savior required from him. His eyes instinctively found the security camera he installed inside your room yesterday, all of the space visible to him just to make sure you aren't doing anything dumb. Saeran found you on your bed, talking to someone over the phone while pulling your knees up to your chest. A grin formed on his lips by how irritated you looked, the frown on your face's so big it must've hurt. That's it. He loved to see you frustrated, it's always making him feel warm inside, because he's the one in control of every aspect of your life now, you don't have permission to do anything until he allows it, after all, you're his toy. Maybe he should pay you a surprise visit and find out who you're talking to? Someone as stupid as you could try to ask for help, considering you never understood in what kind of danger you're in. You're too stupid to realize that he's the one pulling your strings, not the other way around as it had been before, when Ray was still in control of the body. Ray.. that fucking idiot. Almost playing into someone else's hands again because he's too desperate and hopeless. You both fit so well together, as you and him shared the same make-believe wishes. Like that's how real life works, how stupid can a human being become? Yes, Saeran knew better than anyone how useless his other persona was. Why did he have to share the same body with someone so shameful? Such bullshit. The hacker stood up from his chair, taking his phone as well before leaving the room he's been trapped in for who knows how many hours. Other Believers who crossed his path all lowered their heads in fear, it caused him to smile wide. Yes, I'm the strongest! This was exactly how it should be, everyone except his Savior had to fear and respect him, otherwise they would have a great time in the cellar of Magenta. With Ray around, he always heard them talk behind his back, since he's such a looser. But with Saeran, hah, they didn't even dare to consider talking trash about him. It's giving him the confidence he could've never archived as long as the stupid chicken was around. But now things are different. He's different and he's loving the strength he owed now. To hell with Ray! He cursed the tender boy, reaching the end of the hall to get into your room. To his surprise, the door's open, just a crack wide. He rolled his eyes in his annoyance. Too dumb to close a door, what else should he expected from a toy without brain. Your voice echoed throughout the room, and for a moment, he decides against storming in. What were you talking about? He wanted to know and instead leaned onto the wall beside the door.
"Yeah, I don't know what she's done to him, but it's really bad, V.. He's like another person."
Interesting. Not only are you having the audacity to talk about him without permission, but you're also talking to V of all people. Didn't Ray warned you countless times of his manipulative lies? And you're still trusting him that way? What an airhead, you're almost more stupid than Ray. Although it's making his blood boil with anger by how idiotic you behaved, he swallowed it for now and continued to listen. Whatever's going on, your conversation is about him. So he's having every right to know about it. You belong to him, everything you do or say, he has a right to know it all. Despite the anger, it's quite amusing to hear you desperate. Did the Princess felt hopeless? How funny. Too stupid to understand what's going on, that's so you.
"No, I'm not sure.. Yeah, I thought that too. It's like he's having a split personality. Ray was the one who brought me here.. Now he calls himself Saeran.. Great, we're both clueless."
No wonder you're clueless when you're not even able to entertain him, what did you expect? Especially when talking with V, who's only capable of lying. He's just as stupid as the rest of the RFA, the bundle made out of idiots. None of them could get you out of this, not with him being around. There's no way for you to escape, you're locked in. And it's not even funny how Saeran knows that Ray wanted to do that the moment he fell for you, he was just too much of a coward to actually do it. Having his memories is sickening to Saeran, all the silly thoughts and wished he hold onto ever since you arrived, he'd like to throw them all up, they're disgusting.
"No, I'm okay at the moment, I think.. Although Saeran's damn mean. No.. I'm not sure.."
The hacker with black suit was so close to snort by how idiotic your words sounded. He's mean? Oh, he's soo sorry for that, the thought caused him to smile the widest in days. That's the point, wasn't it? And yet here you are, not sure what's going to happen, nor what he tries to get out of everything. Saeran knew you're quite obvious to so many things, but you still thought it's going to save your ass to rebel. The most ignorant people on the planet always spoke the loudest, being so certain they're aware of everything. And the worst, they didn't even notice. That's exactly what you are. Not knowing anything but be sassy when it could cost your life. He hated that about you, more than your horrible smell or stupid eyes. He hated everything about you. By how stupid and useless you are, it should be impossible, he's almost ashamed for keeping you as a toy, you didn't even deserve that with the way you acted. Nothing but pure arrogance. Saeran's hands grabbed the fabric of his suit tighter, causing his knuckles to turn white. Nothing could make him more mad than you. Open your mouth once and he's able to tear apart the stupid ass room you live in. Maybe he should break down everything in there after all, Ray designed it for you, so you probably adored it. Ugh, what a pain to think about.
"Ah... You mean Ray? I don't know how this all works, but I'm so worried about him... I really miss him. He was so sweet and nice. It.. It's a nightmare without him. I want him back so badly."
The moment you mentioned Ray and let his name come over your lips, there's something broken in your voice. As if it hurt to talk bout that subject. Saeran's eyes widened without him notching, at first he thought he didn't hear right, but quickly he knew what you're talking about. You want Ray back and him gone. A shadow flashed over him, darkening his pale face in seconds. Well, of course you want that. You've been saying the weaklings name all the time, like it's going to bring him back when you call often enough. Every time you addressed Saeran with that name, a vein popped in his head, he hated that name. And he loathed how you kept on saying it into his face. He's the right one to stay, never ever again would he let the idiot take over his body again. Despite your fear, you had the fucking audacity to continue call for Ray. Who did you think you are?! Saeran's hands started to shake by how mad he became.
"Yeah, he was so sweet. I loved how fond he was of his flowers. I wish he would've realized how amazing he was.. I pray so much he'll come back to me. No.. I'm tired of this place. But I need you to wait.. Well, because I want to take Ray with me, that's why."
Oh, now you've done it. Saeran's nerves exploded with poison, as if someone injected the elixir right into his blood. That's how you thought, huh. What were you thinking?! You didn't have any goddamn right to have such opinions. Taking Ray with you? Was Saeran's suppose to laugh about something so absurd? Why didn't you understand, how many times did he have to scream into your face that he's the right one. He's the strong one, Ray's not even real. How stupid could you be?! Nothing surprising about how you think he's so cute, considering you're both the same. Both pathetic in every way possible. Saeran's anger reached a new level, he's like a ticking time bomb and now you pushed the red button. If you wanted Ray back so fucking bad, then he's making sure to drown that guy in acid. You'll never ever get to see him again, Saeran's personally making sure of that. He slammed the door open, it hit the wall behind with a loud bang. You jumped, frightened by the sound and looked up to him in shock, immediately replaced by regret. You knew he heard you, and now he's going to bust because of it.
"Who gave you the goddamn right to talk to the RFA over the phone, toy?! Give me your phone, now!"
The hacker with mint eyes didn't wait for you to respond and instead tore the device out of your hand. Alarmed you stood up from the bed, eyes filled with pure horror. Saeran gritted his teeth so much he swore to hear them crack. Normally he'd found your expression fun, every time you looked scared he enjoyed how much power he's having. But this time, it felt different. Having your scared eyes on him only made it all worse. Why? Saeran made sure you heared how your phone started to crack as he used pressure.
"You think I will ever let that idiot come back?! Escape?? How stupid are you for even thinking about something that will never happen!?"
His yelling became louder with every word, eyes narrowed so much they're almost closed. Saeran's not able to contain himself this time and crashed the vase that stood on the table down to the ground, flowers which Ray brought after you arrived. He wanted them gone. He wanted every single trace of Ray gone and see you cry about it. It landed onto the ground with another crash, splintered into a thousand pieces and making everything a mess with the water that was still inside. The flowers landed on the ground and Saeran's close enough to stomp onto one. He watched you open your mouth, be he would throw up if you spoke now. He wanted you mute so badly.
"Don't even have the AUDACITY to speak, toy!! You think you can get rid of me by crying your eyes out over how much you want that bastard back!? Too bad for you, Princess. I'm STAYING! HE'LL NEVER COME BACK and I make fucking sure of it–"
A gasp stopped him from ranting, Saeran's so unexplainably mad this time. You always managed to get him angry within seconds, but now, he's throbbing with pure madness. Who do you think you are?! Maybe he should lock you into the cellar after all, he's very tempted at this point. Tears started to run down your cheeks, attention glued to the broken vase and the dead flowers. Your phone cracked again, but this time he wasn't purposely doing it. He's standing right in front of you, would you be so generous to actually pay attention to him, or did you just try to piss him off even more? Doesn't matter.
"The flowers... Did you have to do that? They're a gift–"
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPEAK!"
He cut you off, let you flinch visibility. Gift, yeah, from him. What's so great about it? It's just a bunch of dying flowers, how retarted did you have to be to care about something so lame? Suddenly he wanted to burn down the entire garden Ray took care of. Saeran couldn't continue to look at you, he felt like he's going to vomit if he saw your sad face. Pathetic. So damn pathetic.
"You better start using your stupid brain and stop living in that fairytale of yours.. You hear me, (N)?! I never let you escape with that moron! He's gone, he's dead and I buried him!"
Saeran threw your phone out of the room, it crashed against the wall of the hall. Leaving with Ray? You? Only over Saeran's dead body. Why did you not accept the truth, he's the right one. So why. Why didn't you say his name just once the way you said his. Suddenly there's an unknown pain stringing inside his chest, it went all the way up to his head. He couldn't help but hiss by the feeling. These disgusting memories he knew way too well since the idiot could never stop thinking about them, they filled his already pounding mind. You walking with Ray in the garden. Enjoying breakfast together. You taking care of his wounded fingertips. The kiss in the garden. Saeran felt like he's going to explode by how much it hurt, incapable to keep in the grunts by all the pain. He didn't want to see this. He wanted to delete them all. They weren't his. So why did he have to know about them? It's not fair, being tortured by something that didn't belong to him. Somewhere in the distance he could hear you say his name. Now it's too late, now he didn't need to hear it. Curse you for messing with his head and not even using effort. It's too much, he needed to leave if he wanted to prevent his skull from cracking into two.
"You're nothing but an arrogant brat!! Die in a ditch for still calling out that dead boy! I hate you so much!!"
Not quite aware of his own words, he stormed out of the room and made sure to bang the door behind him. His whole body shook with agony as he stormed down the corridor, Believers that stood around making themselves small in case Saeran would let out his anger on them. Good decision, because he's so close to just punch holes in whatever came into his sight. Saeran knew being angry is the only way for him to continue being respected, but this kind of madness that's making him act like an animal wasn't even good to him. It's all your fault. He told himself countless times, nobody but you is to blame for everything that happened. He shouldn't ever have brought you here, it's no use anyways. It didn't matter what he will do to you, your eyes aren't the same anymore. He probably could tear you apart with his bare hands, no, not probably. He could get rid of you if he wanted to. But you're his toy, aren't you? Your only purpose is to wait for him all day and keep him entertained. You should only focus on him, every damn second of your useless life. Why didn't you just do what he ordered you to do? After all this time, you're still calling out for that dead weakling. Mind you, he definitely knew you better than anyone else. Not to mention, he's the only one who could bring such strong emotions out of you. Fear, frustration, anger.. Ray could never make you this lively. He's way too dumb and boring, he's a whimp who didn't deserve anything. All he could do was working until he blacked out. So again. Why? How can someone so pathetic let your eyes glow this bright? Why did you like him? What the fuck did Ray have that Saeran doesn't? He's so much better. Why were you too blind to see that. Another growl vibrated inside his throat, the pain didn't numb, on the contrary, the more he thought about your stupidity, the more his own head hurt.
"I hate her.. I hate her with every damn inch of my body! She's awful. Stupid. Useless, toy!"
He mumbled to himself after closing his own door, there's no way for him to calm down with the fire that continued to burn his nerves. He grabbed the chair on his desk and let it roll against the wall, sitting down to lay his head into his hands, it's too heavy to keep up. His condition is all your fault. You're the one who did that to him, and he promised you both, he'll make you pay for it the moment he's able to think straight again. Saeran's wondering if he's going to die now, the way his head never stopped pounding against his skull. You're awful, no fun at all. Instead you just make him even worse. It's your fault he's that way. You caused him to be so cruel, so you shouldn't be allowed to complain. Saeran tried to stop his shoulders from shaking, but his body wasn't listening. But did anyone ever did? An especially painful sting striked his chest, it let him forget how to breath for a moment. This wasn't right, it should've been him who hurt you. Not the other way around. Your arrogance is busting through the roof of Magenta and Saeran's forced to watch, as you never seemed to listen to him. No, you didn't listen to the words he said, nor did you take them to heart. If he would be Ray, you would immediately sit down and open your ears wide, even if he's just uselessly whining over how weak he is. Not only did you bare his weak thoughts, you helped him to smile by saying things will eventually turn out how he wished. Bitch. You bitch, trying to manipulate the idiot of Mint Eye for your own advantage. As if Saeran didn't know that. And now.. Hah. Now that he's not stupid you have no reason to continue the acting, that's why you don't treat him like Ray. He's stronger than you, that's why you see no reason to wrap him in pretty words which hold no weight.
"Mr. Saeran?"
A knock followed by his name tore him out of thoughts. It's just a Believer. Saeran pressed his nails into his forehead, the last thing he wanted was to be seen like this. It's your fault.
"Leave m-me alone!!"
For the first time since he awoke, he's genuinely surprised. His voice came out weaker than usual, the thought of the Believer noticing left him with a bitter taste on his tongue. It's uncomfortable, he sounded way too similar to.. The Believer stumbled over his words then.
"B-But Mr. Saeran, the phone.. We believe you thew it."
He frowned annoyed. Your phone. Quickly, Saeran stood up and tore the door open, the guy in front of him flinched by the action. The hacker didn't bother to look at the other person before slamming the door shut, waiting for him to leave until the footsteps became silent. Saeran sat back down into his chair, inspecting your phone and finding the display completely cracked. Deserved. You had the audacity to piss him off, it's deserved that your phone's now broken, that's what you get from messing with the strongest Believer in Mint Eye. However, he's quite impressed that it still turned on after pushing the on button, the left corner flickered with all colors of the rainbow, but other than that, it's still working. His fingers hesitated for a moment before he unlocked the screen, it's Ray's fault. He saw you type in the password before. There are way too many apps on your home screen and the background image is, oh.. Of course. Saeran pressed his nails into the case of your device, of course you're having Ray as your background. It's a photo taken in the garden, the sun's going down as the both of you looked at the camera. You held onto another boutique of flowers Ray bought you, his smile a bit awkward and yours wider than Saeran has ever seen before. Seems like you moved some apps to make sure neither of your faces are covered. You two seemed comfortable and happy. Very happy. A drop fell down onto the broken glass and ran into the cracks, the hacker jerked up his back in shock before placing his fingers on his cheek. Was he... crying? Why? He didn't know why he'd tear up now, but the longer he stared at the photo that filled the entire screen, the bigger the tears became, powerless to make them stop. What was happening to him? He then wondered if you maybe have more pictures, therefore opened the gallery. And holy shit. Saeran's able to find so many photos of Ray in all positions and lame situations. Some of him watering the plants, others showed him enjoying a meal with you underneath the evening sun, sometimes smiling at the camera as he's aware you're taking a picture. He even found photos of the weakling being asleep on your bed as you made an entirely new folder just for his photos. Disgusting.. This is so disgusting. Creep, you freak, how dare you take pictures of his body without his permission. But most importantly, why did you have so many damn pictures? Why the fuck did you want photos of him in the first place? Saeran could feel his jaw tense up with anger. Why are you so obsessed with him? Without knowing, he threw the phone to the ground one last time as his action's quicker than his brain, and this time, it didn't turn on. Frustrated, he lay the phone down on the table, staring at the now black display for a while. You didn't have one single picture of him. Not one. It's not like he wanted to find pictures of him on your phone or see you smile at him with such happiness, the thought alone left him feel ill. Suddenly Saeran could feel something come up his throat, it's making him sick to his stomach. As he's not having enough strength, he decided to let it go and as a result, a broken sob left him. He had to lift his head, trying his best to not throw up over the desk. What's just wrong with him. What went wrong with you?! He could feel his body shake by the pressure he's trying to hold back. Incapable of standing any longer as his legs became weak, his knees hit the hard ground, it caused him to hiss out loud. The tears making it hard to focus, they never stopped and Saeran leaned against the cold wall of his dark room. Always keeping his head up to prevent him from ruin his clothes. He knew. If Ray would call for you now, you would leave everything behind to come and comfort him. But he's Saeran. As if you would do the same for him. Why. The weakling never did anything other than cry his eyes out over how pathetic he is, while Saeran's strong enough to protect what's dear to him. And yet, you only asked the idiot if he was in need of comfort. What did Ray do to earn your care? It belonged to Saeran. All your words, your care, it should all be his, and only his. You're his toy, his plaything and should treat him the same way you treated that airhead. But you didn't, even though he's the right one as the idiot's nothing but a lie. He's in even grater pain than him, so why aren't you there for him the same way? Why did you hate him so much? Saeran grabbed a fist full his hair to replace the pain inside his chest. For Ray, oh you would probably give up your pathetic life, he could remember the sparkle in your eyes when Ray showed you affection, a smile so big it let your cheeks become red. Did you ever smile at him? The hacker couldn't remember that to be the case, instead he saw you cry and shiver in fear, unable to control it by how intimidating Saeran acted. Back then, he loved to see you in pain because it felt so good, knowing he's the most powerful. But now it's nothing more than another memory to poison his mind. It's not like he had a fucking choice, he needed to be mean in order to avoid being tortured. If he wanted to be respected, the only thing he could do was hurting others before they consider to hurt him. He told you before, but you didn't listen. You never listened to him before. With Ray, you would've taken it serious and stroke the tears away, while Saeran's continued to run down his cheeks. Why didn't you do that for him? The look in your eyes always had been distance when he forced you to make eye contact, there's nothing of the glow you used to have while being with him. You never tried to understand. And it didn't matter what he would do, you'd never show the same again. You loved Ray, right?! So why didn't you love–
"Ugh... Fuck.."
The taste of acid went up his throat, it's burning his flesh. Couldn't you see he's just as hurt? He hated you just as much as you hated him. What did Ray have that he's not able to provide? Why's he the bad one all the time. It's all your fault. Trying to breath through and not throw up the meal from before, he sighed heavily. Did it even matter at this point? Saeran then felt a new sting breaking his body after remembering you're just waiting for the airhead to come back. Leave with Ray, huh. That's what you said to V before. Sure, if Ray would be back, you'd try to get him out of the only place that accepted him, just to abandon him in the outside world. Saeran knew, if he would open the door for you, you'll run away within seconds. You would leave without him. Gladly leave him behind. Once you're out of here, you would throw him away. Did you think he's not aware of that? You're so stupid. But he's not letting that happen, he'll lock you up by his side if you wanted or not. He owned it. He owned you. You're his, no matter if it's against your will. The thought made Saeran sick all over again. It's not like you needed him, but he didn't need you either. I hate her... I hate myself. I hate everything and everyone. Why couldn't he get what he wanted, no matter how strong he is? Saeran felt the fatigue take over his bones and brain. The rage inside his system slowly faded and left him with only agony. There was nobody to catch his head when it became heavy, not a soul's interested in his condition. And maybe, just maybe, he deserved it. But the thought wasn't leaving him, this familiar feeling in the deepest corner of his heart, hoping that somehow, you might catch him. These stupid hopes of Ray, they didn't belong to Saeran. Did they? Hah. No, that's such a stupid thought, like you give a damn if something ever happens to him. Why is he always doomed to suffer alone. Saeran's never going to have you the way Ray had, as he had to force you. While the pathetic idiot didn't have to. And? Are you happy Ray, you idiot?! You won. He spit inside his mind. And after a minute, a weaker voice answered as it came from the back of his head. No, I'm not.. Saeran chuckled rough, now he's getting mocked by the weakest person on earth. Why not?! She loves you soo much, ugh. Just.. fuck me over and come back. The little voice sounded sad. She cares about you too.. Saeran buried his head back into his arms, pulling together like a hedgehog.
"You're not even funny. She hates me. So does you. Everyone does. Now shut up."
You should talk to her, I know she will tell you she cares...
"Like hell. After what I have done to her? Yeah sure. She's just waiting for you."
She knows we're hurt.. I promise she'll forgive you.
"Stop lying, I give you the opportunity to come the fuck back so why aren't you?!"
Because I want you to feel her warmth, she's the sweetest person on earth. I want you to feel it yourself.
"Seriously.. Me? Warmth..? Are you fucking stupid?! She loves you Ray!! Not me!!!"
The voice became silent then, leaving Saeran lonely once more. Great. Now even Ray made fun of him for breaking down, a change he did not welcome whatsoever. Am I the pathetic one now? The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth. Only now he realized the unusual amount of light inside his dark room. Saeran looked up, immediately regretting it as he found you staying in the doorway. The familiar black dress and shocked expression on your face, it causes the chaos inside his stomach to spin. Great.
"Why are you here. Who let you out of your room..? Go back or you'll regret it."
He blushed slightly by how broken he sounded. Intended to sound threatening at first, but it came out way too quiet, as if he's begging you to leave him alone. You always had the worse timing for everything, finding him after a breakdown like this. Aren't you having fun now? Seeing that he lost, the victory brighten up your chest. Now it's him who's small, and there's nothing he could do about it. You probably laughed your ass off by how meaningless all his insults and threats are at the end of the day.
"What are you waiting for?! Go away."
He knew he's sounding like a shoot animal that's getting cornered. But that's exactly how he felt. It's torturing him to know you're there, seeing him vulnerable, didn't it remind you of someone? Saeran pushed his nails into the suit, trying to dig them into his skin to leave marks. Maybe you're going to confront him about how much he looked like the useless airhead you adored so much. The thought made Saeran want to sink into the ground and never come back. If you call out his name now, he would.. The hacker's not sure what would happen, but he's certain it would completely break him. He's not Ray. He's not your prince, for God's sake, he's nothing to you. And it's probably his fault. Saeran could never be like that tender boy, he's filled with anger towards the world that betrayed him. As if you care, like you're going to listen to him after what he put you through. You just waited for Ray to come back, and he could have moments ago. But even he is torturing Saeran now by leaving him alone in this situation. Why can't I be loved just once..? Even he got to. Why am I not allowed to.. I just do what they ask of me. Why am I the bad guy for protecting myself..? I can never have a single good thing, can I. A fresh sob left Saeran, there's no way you didn't hear it, why didn't you just leave?! What, were you trying to find out if he's Ray? Is that it? Come back you crybaby, can't you see she's fucking waiting for you?! The hacker wearing the suit could basically see Ray shake his head. No, I want you to feel the same warmth as me. Just apologize.. He said, quite disappointed in his other half. As if that could fix things, a single apology wouldn't chance your hatred towards Saeran.
"JUST GO AWAY ALREADY! Can't you see I'm busy?!"
He shouted, which left his vocal cords to tear. The unbearable feeling forced him to caught up, almost throwing up a third time today. Just kill me. Everything but this shit. He thought cold, he'd rather drink a dozen bottles of elixir than having you see him this painful.
"S... Saeran..?"
It's the first time you spoke after he crashed into your room to interrupt your phone call with V. And he hated it. He didn't want to hear you say his name. It's not like you came for him, that's one thing Saeran's more than sure about. Even with your goddamn arrogance, he might grant you your stupid wish for once. There's nothing for him to bite back over, anyways.
"You mean Ray. Just give that fucker some time. He's not coming out."
It's sickening him to the bones. Look at me too– His own mind begged words he would never come over his lips. I'm in pain (N)– Please help me– I want your love too– And Saeran's done with pushing it aside, he knows they're circling around ever since he woke up. Because he's fucking jealous of Ray for having you, since he could never. Not that he had a chance in the first place, with the way he treated you. So the hacker might as well just doesn't care now. He lost before he started the game, it's his fault and his alone.
"I.. heard you talk."
You admitted. Thanks for that, what's that going to change? He's clueless as he had always been when it came to you. Never sure what button to push, what word to say or how to act around you. So nothing new there. She is worried.. The flower boy told him, a bit urge in his voice as if he could persuade his mean persona. Fuck off Ray.. Just get your ass out now. Or I'm gonna hit our head against the wall until we suffer memory loss. And he's promising it, Saeran would gladly forget all the beautiful memories that he didn't make. It's painful to remember such intimate relationship moments that weren't meant to be for him.
"I'm.. I'm sorry.."
The apology coming from your lips confused him, although he wanted to know why you're the one saying sorry, he's too scared to look you into the eyes. You want me gone.. Is that what you're sorry for? He wondered, recalling your words that turned him into this mess in the first place.
"Sure, whatever. I'll.."
Don't do that, Saeran. Don't say this now. Please.. Ray begged, but as if he's going to care about it.
"I'll grant your your stupid wish. It takes a while, but look forward to have your prince charming back. I make myself gone, like you wished while talking to V. Happy now!?"
For a brief moment, he hoped to see the particular smile, the one you gave Ray so casually whenever he did something stupid. But Saeran's not brave enough to lift his head up. Maybe you're smiling at him now, for once. Because you win and he will leave you alone with the weakling. Saeran why do you say that... I don't think neither of us wants that. You're are part of me, you know? She knows that..
"SHUT UP, RAY!"
Saeran couldn't hear it anymore, it's painful enough already. It left his blood to burn again, it's abused by how often it boiled up and every time it became more and more hurtful. With new rage he turned around and hit the wall with his fist, all of his arm starting to shake from the impact. All Saeran could do was breathing, feeling the sweat running down his temple and heating up his body temperature with alarming rate.
"ALL OF YOU! Just– Just leave me alone!!! Stop making fun of me!! I'm done– I'M DONE! I hate you all just like you hate me, SO LEAVE ME ALONE!"
The agony is too much for him, he's not different from Ray when it came to self-hatred and especially physical pain. It's shoot shock after shock through his arm, going down into his chest and reaching his toes. Agony. Saeran's bathing in agony and hatred towards everything around him.
"I'm so tired.. I want to be gone. I don't have anything, I don't know who I am. I don't even know my own emotions. I'm and always be trapped and denied, so please. Please.. just leave me alone."
He wasn't even aware he said the things he thought, too much clouded with all the realizations that crashed down onto him, things he couldn't deny anymore. No matter how desperately he would pretend, Saeran's never going to be the right one. He's just like Ray when it came to strength, and he had to acknowledge his faults. The things he's done and that have been done to him. No elixir or drug on this planet could change that, nothing could change it. He was trapped in the circle of doubting everything. Hating it how you could now witness what a toixc person he was. Nothing like Ray, isn't that right? Saeran liked to be left behind. He's too tired to deal with the poisonous emotions at this point. How you stood there, waiting for Ray to come back and get rid of Saeran. That's right, you couldn't be here because of him. There's someone else you'd like to see.
"Saeran.. I'm sorry, I never meant that I want you gone–!"
He's not having the power to turn his head away after hitting his forehead at the wall, too tired to care about anything other than his own sweat running down with impressive speed. Why did you lie? You've been honest all the time while rebelling against him, why are you doing this now. The last thing he's able to take is lying followed by pity.
"Your lie isn't funny (N)."
It surprised even him how steady the words came out, probably since he's close to pass out. The shuffle of your body finally caught his attention and made him turn his head to the side. The sight caused his eyes to widen, there are hot tears of your own burning in the corners of your eyes, a frown so big and above all, you seemed hurt for some reason.
"This is all my fault.. I'm sorry Saeran. I know you were mean because you protected yourself.. I was just so irritated because you didn't hurt me. You hurt yourself, and I wanted it to stop."
So you did listen to me.. Is the first thing coming to his mind, all the time's where he tried to show you how he felt by speaking through the flower, it always seemed like you didn't listen, refused to understand, even. With Ray, you would've been there right away, but with him, it always made the impression you're not interested. Had he been wrong? Did you got the memo after all? Somehow it felt liberating to know you had heard his words, some of the burden that's weighting him down fell off, allowing the hacker to breath through. You gave your tears permission to run now. Seeing you cry felt awful, Saeran didn't like it one bit anymore, was it because things started to chance? The sudden touch of your hand that lay on his cheek felt new, your finger stroking his swollen skin to comfort him. So that's what it feels like to have someone care..
"I never wanted this. I-I do miss Ray, but that doesn't mean I want you gone! I.. want you to become even. I love you. Ray, Saeran, doesn't matter, I love every side of you."
There. The genuine happy smile you gave Ray so often when spending time together, now it's all for Saeran. Hearing you say such meaningful things while he's that tired made it hard to comprehend. See? I told you, she loves us both.. The little voice said before disappearing again. It caused Saeran to chuckle, seeing him letting go of the tension made you join him with a light giggle. It's the first time for Saeran to feel happy, the fire, or rather the rage inside his veins got replaced with warmth caused by pure affection. His whole body felt so light, for a moment he thought he's flying. This is... nice. Really really nice. His eyes fluttered open as you kissed his forehead. A gesture so little, but to him it felt like a volcanic eruption. In a nice way. He's glad you care about him as well, you cared about both of them. Saeran could feel his chest loose up.
"Saeran can't we leave this place? It's not doing us any good.. Just let's go together, please?"
Was he supposed to answer that? He's not sure what to think about Mint Eye at this point, not to mention that his Savoir would absolutely bust if she found out he just left like that. There's a lot Saeran had to work through and think about, things that might not have been what he'd always got told. But when he stared into your eyes like that, seeing the bright pattern inside after such a long time, having the chance to take in every detail of your face, he might be able to believe he could live and ordinary life. What do you think, flower boy? He asked, Ray sounded kinda excited, like a little toddler. Yeah, I want to live with (N)!! I want a garden of our own and eat ice cream! Saeran shook his head amused by that thought. And now, that he knew you wanted him to stay, there's nothing speaking against your request. Your hand found its way into the chaos on his head, carefully going through the strands to smooth his hair a bit.
"Saeran.. Are you okay?"
You asked concerned. Oh yeah, he really could get used to this. His eyes fluttered open and for a moment and you stared at each other before he leaned in to peek your lips, just to make sure it's not a dream. A surprised squeak left you and it sounded pretty adorable for an airhead like you. Alright, maybe we should work on the insults... Ray stated, and for once Saeran agreed without complaining. Without a word, he sat down and pulled you into his lap, none were needed. You embraced him immediately and he could feel some kind of warmth inside his stomach.
"I'm fucking tried now. We can pack things tomorrow, as I still have to take care of the security cams too."
He mumbled, not able to keep his eyes open any longer. You nodded, laying your head against his shoulder with a smile. Happy to see the man you loved so dearly is finally making his own decisions.
"Okay, let's get ready tomorrow.."