Chapter Text
The first time it happens is by accident. An old lady was carrying heavy bags down their street while Kit was helping Jem put out the trash.
Kit offers to help her, Jem right by his side to do the same. She thanks them enthusiastically and smiles friendly as they say their goodbyes, her last words stunning Kit so much his breath catches.
“Thank you, boys! You’re both very kind. You’re raising your kid right, sir!” The lady says, looking at Jem before closing her door.
Kit feels like he’s glued to the floor, none of his limbs moving to leave, despite knowing Jem is glaring at him.
“We should go, right? Tessa is waiting for us to have lunch.” Jem mentions, trying to be casual and Kit is grateful he doesn’t bring up what just happened.
“Yeah, sure.” Kit forces his hands into the pockets of his jacket, closing them in fists as his mind runs over the woman’s comment a couple of times as they make their way back home.
He and Jem looked nothing alike, not with Kit’s light blonde hair against Jem’s dark one, blue eyes opposed to dark brown ones. More than that, Jem didn’t look much older than twenty-four at best while Kit was clearly sixteen by now, it didn’t even make sense for someone to think of them as father and son.
Nonetheless, the woman had seen something on them to make that assumption.
The reason why was haunting Kit’s mind even as he sat down at the kitchen’s table to eat, even as Mina shook her water bottle so hard it wet his face, even as Tessa laughed loudly across the table and Jem tossed him a napkin to clean up. If anything, the causality of the situation freaked him out even further.
There he was: sharing a meal with a perfectly normal family (immortality and Shadow business aside), laughs and giggles erupting across the table as if Kit belonged there.
As if he was a part of this family.
“Kit, are you okay, sweetie?” Tessa asked, her voice softening.
He most definitely wasn’t, if the way his mind was foggy and confused right now was any indication, but Kit forced himself to nod.
“Yes, I just need a new shirt, I’ll be back soon.” He explained, getting up and walking away quickly.
Once he got to his room, he didn’t move to change out of his wet shirt, though. Instead, he walked towards his desk and picked up the picture frame Tessa had gifted him a while ago, observing the image of a newborn Mina in his arms.
He remembered the day the photography had been taken very clearly, Mina had been born just a day before and Kit was dying to hold her, just as much as he was terrified to do so. Jem had sat him down at his bed, fluffing his surroundings with pillows, before carefully placing Mina in his arms. He adjusted Kit’s hand on her head and smiled encouragingly at him as Kit looked at Mina’s angelic face.
He had always been a strong believer of the fact all newborn babies looked very much the same and not at all as cute as their parents claimed they were. Despite that, the moment he locked eyes with Mina, his breath caught. Her bright eyes were wide open as she took in the sight of Kit.
He had never seen anything or anyone as beautiful and precious as the little girl he was holding. Kit smiled at her and, deep down, he knew he would do anything to keep her safe.
That was the first time he admitted to himself he never wanted to leave this home.
Home.
By the angel, when did he start thinking of this place as home? Kit couldn’t tell.
Maybe it was when Tessa gifted him the very picture frame he was holding. Perhaps, it was the day he had broken down crying in Jem’s arms... Or maybe the first time Mina stopped crying when he picked her up at night.
It could have been any of the thousand little things Jem and Tessa had purposely done to make him feel safe.
Maybe that’s what made that lady assume Jem was his dad: the feeling of belonging that had installed itself inside his chest since he moved here. It must have been the way he had been relaxed and happy around the man, or the caring nature Jem naturally emanates.
Whatever the reason was, Kit’s initial shock was fading, giving up space to a rather unfamiliar sense of excitement swirling up his chest. Astonished, Kit realized he quite enjoyed being perceived as Jem’s son.
Jem was the one that trained him, but remained gentle and kind through it all. He would help him get up every time he fell down, tending to any wound with so much care Kit felt as if he was a little kid again.
Jem gave quiet reassurance through a single look every time he picked up Kit’s disappointment about his own abilities. He never stopped believing in him, even when Kit didn’t think he deserved it.
But Jem Carstairs wasn’t his father. Johnny Rook was, even though he was long gone now. He had never bothered to take him on walks, teach him how to properly hold a baby or the right way to shave. He never spent an entire afternoon putting together a new desk for Kit because he had once mentioned his legs didn’t fit under the old one anymore. He wasn’t the type of man that spent his Sunday nights spread out on the couch, laughing at some silly rom-com of dubious quality with his family.
Kit put the picture frame down and threw himself at bed, closing his eyes. He finally faced the truth: Jem was the kind of dad he wished he had. That’s why he was so affected by that lady’s assumption.
“Kit?” Jem’s voice pulled Kit away from his thoughts and he sat up rapidly. Awkwardly, he straightened his posture, realizing that he hadn’t changed out of his shirt as he claimed he would.
“Hey.” He sheepishly greeted.
“Hey.” Jem carefully answered, standing in the doorway, half his body still out of Kit’s bedroom. “Can we talk?”
“Sure.” Kit conceded, moving to give some space for Jem to sit at the edge of his bed.
“Thanks.” The man said, going silent shortly after, hands crossed over his lap as they sat together.
Jem had a habit of taking his time before speaking, carefully picking out the words that would get his feelings across in the best way.
Kit thought it was quite nerve-wrecking when he first met Jem, his anxious mind coming up with terrible scenarios where Jem was preparing to throw him out of the house or to tell him that taking him in was a mistake.
Although, over time, he realized the centuries Jem had lived through taught him patience in a way Kit had never quite been able to learn.
The man didn’t care about filling the silence with empty words, he only said what he meant to say. Kit found some solace in knowing he could always trust what came out of his mouth because of that.
“Kit, I think you are acting weird because of what that lady said to us.” Jem quietly announced, not turning to face Kit just yet. He didn’t say anything else, clearly waiting for Kit to deny or confirm his impression.
Kit knew he could attempt to lie his way out of this conversation, he was quite the expert when it came to that, after all. Nonetheless, Kit also knew Jem could see right through him. He would never bring it up again if that’s what Kit wanted, but he would always know, which would end up being even worse.
“I guess you’re right.” He admits, eyes fixated on the carpet. He taps his shoes in the floor, welcoming the motion as an easy distraction.
“Why did that bother you so much?” Jem inquired, gently. Kit stopped moving for a moment, deeply considering the question.
The truth was that Kit had an answer for it, he just didn’t think he should say it.
“I’m not sure.” He begins, feeling more than seeing Jem’s soft sigh, not out of disdain, but out of doubt. Just like Kit predicted, he saw right through his bullshit. “I mean, I know. I just- I’m not sure I want to talk about it.”
“That’s fine too. You don’t have to.” Jem reaffirmed and Kit finally moved to look at him. He smiled softly and continued talking. “Can I tell you something, though?”
“Sure.” He concedes, not sure of what Jem had to say when Kit was the one freaking out at the moment.
“I just wanted you to know that it didn’t bother me when that woman thought you were my son. If you’re afraid that I was uncomfortable, I can assure you I was not.” Kit just crooked an eyebrow at him, not sure of where he was going with this.
Jem shook his head and spoke again, more firmly this time. “I mean that I don’t mind being seen as your parent, Kit. I quite enjoy it, to be honest.”
Kit could tell he was wide-eyed now, shocked to his very core. He didn’t have any control over it though, not as he took in Jem’s words and tried to make sense of what they meant.
“I don’t think I get it.” He finally confessed, observing Jem open a small, cautious smile. “Why would you- I mean, why would anyone want that?”
Kit doesn’t really register the words leaving his mouth, his mind too foggy for him to think them through. For the first time, Jem remained speechless, mouth hanging half open.
“Don’t get me wrong, Jem! It’s just- I’m me. There’s nothing special about me... Other than incredible bad luck and terrible family history. Why would you want... Why would anyone want to be my parent?”
“Oh, Kit. We had this talk before, didn’t we? You’re a great kid, you deserve-”
“I don’t want to know about what I deserve, Jem. Or about what I need. I asked you why you would want to be my-”
The word “dad” sits at the tip of his tongue, but he doesn’t say it, can’t say it, because that would mean admitting what he wants out loud and once he does, it can’t be taken back.
Kit shudders and he gets up, hands sweating and cheeks heating up, like they do every time he’s nervous.
“Why would you want to be my parent, Jem?” He settles for the word that means the same thing, but helps to keep some distance between his words and his true feelings.
Jem looked at him, head inclined to the right as if he was taking the entirety of Kit in consideration before answering the question.
“I don’t have an answer to that, kid.”
“What? What do you mean?” Kit asks, throat closing up.
What is Jem saying? He always has the answers, that’s what Kit likes the most about him. Does he mean he doesn’t actually want to be Kit’s parent? Does he mean he doesn’t have an answer because he’s only saying those things to make Kit feel better?
“I meant what I said. There’s no answer to this question, Kit, don’t you see?” He remains quiet, eyes wide, still not understanding anything. “Would you ask me why I want to be Mina’s dad?”
He blinks once. Twice. He’s pretty sure his mouth forgot how to make itself work as Jem stares at him, smiling kindly.
“Uh... No. That would be stupid.” He dumbly states, after all.
“And why would it be stupid?”
“Because you’re her dad. I mean, you literally made her-”
“It’s not what I asked.” Jem gladly retorts. “The fact Mina has my blood doesn’t make me her dad. I will ask again, Kit: why would it be dumb to ask me why I want to be Mina’s dad?”
“Because you take care of her, you protect her no matter what and you never leave.” With every word out of his mouth, Jem’s smile widens. “There’s no reason questioning why you do all those things... You just do, because you love her.”
“Yes. You’re totally right. I don’t have any reasons why I want to be her dad. I just am. I have loved her ever since I learned she existed. Simple as that.” Jem explains, softly.
“Uh... I don’t see how this has anything to do with me?” Jem snorts and gets up, placing his hands on Kit’s shoulders, staring him at the eyes, dark brown piercing pure blue.
It is the first time he appears to be frustrated with Kit.
“It has everything to do with you.” Jem claims, pressing his palms into Kit’s shoulders, causing him to relax a bit. “I don’t have any reasons why I want to be your dad either, Christopher. I just want to.”
There it is. He said it, with the word Kit has been avoiding to use all along. He doesn’t call him Christopher very often, but the fact he does right now only shows he is being completely serious with him.
“I have loved you ever since I found out you existed. I spent so much time looking for you. I felt deep in my bones that I was meant to find you and keep you safe. It was such a strong certain inside my heart that it would keep me up at night, drive me crazy. I thought it was because the Herondales were part of Will, I believed I wanted to find the lost Herondale so bad because I owned it to my parabatai. Now, I see how wrong I was.”
Kit feels tears burning in his eyes and he feels like bursting out crying. Jem must sense it because he slows down, speaking carefully, but never tearing his eyes away from Kit’s.
“It was never just about Will. It was about you. I was searching for you, Kit, all along. It took me some time to realize it, but the moment you accepted to move in with us, I knew with my whole heart that you were my boy. So, no, Kit, I can’t possibly explain why I feel this way, not more than I could explain the love I felt when I held Mina in my arms for the first time. I simply do. I love both of you with everything I have.”
Kit is crying now, something that has become away too easy to do in front of Jem and Tessa, he notices, but Jem pulls him into a hug and any thoughts fly out of Kit’s mind for a moment. Jem holds him, one hand caressing his hair and the other supporting his weight.
Kit is getting almost as tall as Jem now, but somehow, he feels very small. He feels like baby Mina sobbing in her dad’s arms because of the pain of growing teeth.
Instead, he’s crying for everything he didn’t have and for everything he has gained.
He’s crying for the father he was born with, but could never truly know. He’s crying for the mom he never met, but still loved him enough to make great sacrifices. He’s even crying for the life he left behind at Los Angeles, for the noises and colors of the Shadow Market and the quiet grandiosity of the Institute.
Still, unbelievably, he finds himself crying for all he found along the way. Kit cries for the soft whispers of “I love you” he hears from Tessa every night before she goes to bed, for the way Mina exploded in laughter after the first time she said his name once she realized how happy he was, for the steady hand Jem presses against his back every time Kit tenses up.
He cries for the love he found, just as much as he cries for the love he lost.
Kit doesn’t realize that Jem half dragged him back to sit at his bed, Kit’s tears wetting his shirt and ugly noises coming out of his throat, until his eyes are dry, no more tears coming out.
“I’m- I’m okay.” He croaked, immediately realizing his voice is hoarse and broken. Kit pulls away to clean some tears that are still left on his cheeks and feels Jem’s distrust of his words very clearly. “Fine, I’m not.” He admits and, there it is, Jem’s hand coming to rest at his back again.
“I hope I didn’t upset you.” Jem mutters and Kit’s neck snaps to look at him.
“No! You didn’t. I just... Well, you know me.” Kit states, realizing that’s true. He remembers when Jem sat down and told him, without a shadow of a doubt, that he knew who Kit was. The day he told him he was worthy of being loved, the day Kit had decided to not only live with Jem, Tessa and Mina, but belong with them... Also, another day that ended with Kit sobbing in Jem’s shoulder.
“I do.” Jem murmurs, radiant.
“I’m still getting used to you and Tessa telling me nice things like that. I know you are not the type of people who would lie or trick me, but... Old habits die hard, I guess.”
“That makes a lot of sense.”
Kit is fairly sure he doesn’t make any sense at the moment, but he appreciates the support nonetheless.
“Still, I just wanted you to know that is how I felt. I don’t want you to feel like you own me anything, alright? Tessa and I see ourselves as your parents, always have, always will. That doesn’t mean you need to change how you act. You don’t have to call us mom and dad or feel like you need to stop thinking of Johnny as your dad-”
“I don’t feel pressured at all. I feel…”
Kit breathes, holds it in for a second.
“I feel honored that you think of me like that.”
He lets go.
Jem smiles brightly, the smile of a man who waited entire lifetimes to be truly happy and free, the smile of a man who has known hopelessness and despair, but never broke under their crushing weight.
“I don’t know how I feel about calling Tessa and you mom and dad. I have never called anyone the first thing, ever, and I certainly haven’t called anyone the last in a while. It feels like a pretty big deal to me.” Kit confesses and Jem nodded, understanding.
“Of course, we get it. You don’t ever have to call us that if you don’t want to. You never have to call us anything at all. We don’t care the name you use, as long as you keep calling us. As long as you know you’re loved and a part of our family, we’re good. We love being just Jem and Tessa to you. It’s more than enough.”
“Man, I’m gonna need you to stop with the speeches because I really don’t feel like crying again and running another one of your shirts.” Kit jokes and they laugh together, easing a bit of the tension in the room. “I do appreciate you telling me this. It’s really nice knowing you want to... Well, not just want to, but already feel like my parent.”
He can’t bring himself to say the word dad just yet. Perhaps, it is because it feels like a betrayal to his father, even though he was never really good at that role. Or, maybe, it feels like tempting fate, like the moment he recognized Jem or Tessa as permanent parts of his life, the universe would rush to take them away from Kit, like it took everything else.
Whatever the reason is, Jem’s still there, sitting by his side, unending patience and love staring right back at him. That’s enough to give Kit hope that, someday, somehow, he might win the battle going on inside his mind and actually express what he truly wants.
“I really liked knowing that, actually.” He offers and Jem looks at him as if Kit just handled him a diamond, like he is giving up something precious.
Maybe he is, Kit thinks for a split second.
“I’m glad you did.” Jem messes up his hair and Kit grunts like he always does.
“Every time you do that, I remember how old you are.” He provokes and Jem gasps in false outrage.
“You better watch out or this old man will take your TV away and this monstrous thing you claim is used for fun.” He mildly points at Kit’s videogames console, before getting up. “Well, I will go wash the dishes. Just call me up if you need something. Tessa kept a plate for you in case you get hungry.”
Kit nodded, only a bit surprised Tessa noticed he didn’t eat much. He keeps forgetting she has done this before, that she knows exactly what it’s like to be a part of a functional family. Thank the Angel for Tessa Gray, Kit thinks, for we would all be lost without her.
“Hey, Jem?” Kit calls out, making Jem turn around to see him before he reaches the door. “I know I said I can’t call you and Tessa anything else for now, but that doesn’t mean I won’t ever want to do it.”
Jem opens his mouth, but Kit cuts him off, knowing exactly what he’s going to say.
“Not because of you.” He explains, quickly. “Because of me. If I ever do it, it will be only because of me.”
“That’s what I wanted to hear.” Jem complies, before leaving.
Kit finally changes out of his shirt.