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“Gives me the creeps seeing Ash so submissive,” Cain says. Ash hears it, though he still can’t see. He walks away, leaning on Eiji’s shoulder the whole time. He hears it, and he’d probably fucking laugh if he didn’t feel so goddamn weak.
God, if only they knew ... if they fucking knew a quarter of it ...
Maybe seeing Ash submissive wouldn’t be so surprising after all.
“You okay?” Eiji whispers once they’re likely out of earshot of anyone else.
“Fine,” Ash says. He tries to growl it, but it comes out closer to a whimper. Fuck ... He thought he didn’t want Eiji to see him as a murderer, back when he was fighting Arthur, but this?
This is just pathetic.
“It’s okay that you’re not,” Eiji says. Sees right through him, of course. He always does. And he says that you’re not, too, not if. It’s okay that Ash isn’t okay.
Because he knows he’s not.
“Ash, what did ... ?” Eiji trails off.
“What?” Ash demands, but even that comes out weak. He doesn’t even know what he wants. Is he trying to lash out at Eiji? Is he upset that Eiji came to save him, risked his own life?
Or is he grateful, really?
“Dino. What did he do to you?” Eiji asks. His voice is gentle, though. As gentle as Eiji’s voice always is. Not prying, not demanding. Just ... giving Ash the chance to talk about it, if he needs to.
Ash scoffs, but it comes out a little choked. “Everything,” he says. Then, softer, “He did everything. Everything he wanted.”
Through sound alone, Ash hears Eiji take a deep breath.
“Sorry,” Ash whispers.
“Let’s get you changed.” Eiji just moves on. Doesn’t dwell on it. Doesn’t ask for details. Ash would say that Eiji’s probably afraid to hear any more, but he knows that’s not true. Eiji hasn’t been afraid to face to truth. Not for a long time now, if he ever was.
Eiji’s just giving Ash a way out.
“Are you comfortable with me helping you change, or would you rather do it on your own?”
Oh. Are you so fucking traumatized that you’d rather attempt to change clothes yourself, even blind, or are you so pathetic that you need help to do it?
But Ash shakes that thought off. That’s not what Eiji’s asking. It’s not. He’s just ... offering to help. He’s genuinely, truly offering to help. And ...
“Help me,” Ash whispers. “Please.”
Eiji helps Ash change, and though he can’t see his new clothing, even the fabric feels better. Safer. He didn’t actually choose the clothes himself, but it comes with the illusion of choice, at least.
Dino didn’t even try to pretend.
Ash is still shirtless when he says, “He said he would have me work as the lowest of prostitutes.”
The rustling from beside Ash stops for a moment, likely as Eiji takes the time to process this information.
“He didn’t,” Ash clarifies. “Well, kind of.” And god, he’s in the most vulnerable of positions here—blind, shirtless, and fucking helpless—but even so, he’s whispering these words. Not a challenge. A confession.
“I’m so sorry, Ash,” Eiji whispers. “I’m so sorry.”
Eiji hands him a shirt, and he pulls it on. “He just ... wanted to keep me all to himself, I think. He’s always kind of been that way, you know. Since picking me as his favorite. I’ve always been his.”
“Ash ...”
Reaching a hand behind him, Ash steadies himself on the wall of the filthy subway. Not as filthy as he is, at least. He laughs, but it comes out a little watery.
“Twenty thousand bucks a night for anyone else to fuck me, you know? Once I was Dino’s. Once I belonged to him.” Ash swallows, shaking his head. He wants his sight back. He wants his ... his fucking innocence back, if he ever had it. His childhood. “People still paid it, though.”
“That there are such awful people in this world ...” Eiji mumbles. “I wish I could—”
“It’s fine,” Ash interrupts. He presses himself back against the subway wall now. “Whore is a good look for me.”
Ash can hear the frown in Eiji’s voice when he responds, “It is not—a look of yours at all. It is not you.”
And maybe not, actually. A common whore is so much more than Ash is.
“I’m sorry,” Ash says, and somehow his voice is even weaker than it’s been this whole time. “I didn’t mean to—upset you, or—”
“I am not upset,” Eiji says, cutting him off. “Are you hungry?”
“No,” Ash says quickly. “No, I’m not.” He never wants to be in the presence of food again. Even the most extravagant of meals is only a reminder of the gilded cage.
Ash hears Eiji take a breath. “You’re skin and bones. Please, try. For me.”
For Eiji?
Well shit.
Ash nods, and Eiji prepares a fire. He wraps Ash in a scratchy blanket, and the texture feels good. Feels real. Anything but lavish silks and satin sheets and—
Ash holds in a wave of nausea. The smell of food isn’t even in the air yet.
When the smell does hit, though, it’s not ... bad. It’s just some shitty canned soup, half a chance it’s expired if Ash has any guesses of where it came from, but god. Fuck. It’s amazing. The best that food has tasted since ...
Since the last time he saw Eiji.
Ash nearly fucking cries on the spot. He feels himself tearing up, and can almost pretend that the blurriness of his vision is from that instead of the drug. Lines blurred with teary eyes instead of a drugged mind.
Eiji convinces Ash to rest. Ash calls himself a coward. Eiji protests, but it’s true. Only a coward could stay alive as long as Ash has in this life he’s lived. Only a coward could do the things Ash has done and come out on the other side at all, broken or not.
He buries his face into the blanket, and feels himself drifting off. He needs to ... stay alert ... He needs to ... protect ...
“I’m sorry,” Eiji whispers, from somewhere. “I’m so sorry, Ash. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you.”
And god, Eiji is so good. So fucking good, so pure, so perfect. Ash longs for him because ... because he’s everything Ash can’t be.
Ash shakes his head, rousing himself from his near sleep. “No, Eiji—No, no, please.”
“What is it? Are you okay?” Eiji asks. Ash hears him jump to his feet.
“Don’t apologize,” Ash insists. “Please, Eiji, don’t.”
“Oh, Ash. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t,” Ash mumbles. “You could never.” He doesn’t bother opening his eyes, knowing it won’t make a difference. So far he’s mainly needed to sleep the drug off for the effects to leave. Or, mostly leave, at least.
“Ash ...” Eiji breathes.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but—Can you sit with me? Here next to me, where I can feel you beside me?”
This time there’s a smile in Eiji’s voice. “Beside you. Yes, I can do that. I will always do that for you, if you want me to.”
Ash hears as Eiji drops back to the ground, this time at Ash’s side. Ash opens an arm for him, holding the blanket out. There’s a pause—a moment of hesitation, maybe?—before Eiji settles in against Ash’s body.
“Thanks,” Ash says. “Thank you.”
“Anything for you.”
There’s a pause, but eventually Ash speaks again. “I wish you hadn’t come for me.”
“W-what?” Eiji asks, shocked. “What do you mean?”
“I wish you had left me there,” Ash continues. “It wasn’t safe for you to come.”
“What, I was supposed to—leave you there to die? To suffer?”
“Yes. Yes, Eiji, you were. That was the point. That was the plan.”
“I would never, Ash. I could never. I could never, ever leave you. You know that, right? You’ve learned that by now?”
Ash doesn’t respond. Maybe he has learned that, actually, but maybe he doesn’t want to admit it either.
“You were just thanking me for saving you only minutes ago,” Eiji says, petulant.
“I know. And ... I do. Thank you. I’m so ... Eiji, I’m grateful. But I wish you hadn’t. I want to be there, if it means you’ll be safe.”
“I don’t want you there under any circumstances,” Eiji grumbles. “You are not safe there.”
“I’m fine,” Ash whispers. “He wouldn’t intentionally kill me.” Not right away, at least, he adds mentally.
“That’s not what I mean, Ash. That’s not safe. I want you safe, and happy, and ... I want you to ...”
“Get better?” Ash asks, a little bitter.
But Eiji leans into Ash. Not hard enough for Ash to fall over, even in his weakened state. Just enough to remind Ash that he’s there.
“Yes, Ash. I want you to get better. And I think you will, if you let yourself. If you let me help you.”
And ... that sounds kind of nice, actually. Letting Eiji help him get better. Or letting Eiji help him try, at least. Getting better, healing, whatever—it’s an impossible goal, really. But it’s nice to imagine ... nice to pretend.
So maybe he’ll pretend.
Maybe he’ll just fucking pretend, for now.
And if I do leave, Ash thinks. When I do have to leave you ... I hope it leaves us both happy.
A thought occurs to him, suddenly—a thought he won’t act on, now or maybe ever. But he huddles closer to Eiji, and lets himself think it.
Kiss me goodbye; kiss me good night; kiss me at the end.
Love me.
Please.