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When Sylvie puts her head down to rest, Loki heads to the bar for another drink. He feels raw, and doesn’t want to deal with the emotions thinking of Frigga has brought up. The grief at what will/is/had happened to her, and his role in it. All of the time stuff was getting a big confusing, even for him. Because of what he had seen in the Time Theater upon his arrival to the TVA, he had memories of events that he had not yet lived, of his whole life, and also his death.
Loki threw back the rest of his drink, and ordered another. The worst part, of knowing his whole life, was knowing that he never did find real love. He had hoped, as most beings do, that one day he would find a true love. But as beautiful as love could be, it was also conditional, temporary, and dangerous.
It didn’t even matter what kind of love it was, romantic or not. He had been let down by it all. By his fathers, both birth and adopted. One had never wanted him, and the other could never forget what he was, and always found him lacking. He remembered seeing Odin’s dying words to him and Thor, but he was dying, and Loki had enough experience with death to know that deathbed words rarely rang completely true. Frigga had loved him. And Loki loved her. He owed so much of himself to her, but he had been her downfall. He could never recover from her loss knowing it was his fault. Even now, recalling memories of her, his heart ached for her just as much as it did when he had first learned of her death.
His first romantic love had been Thor. And while it lasted, oh how glorious it had been. It was not uncommon for Asgardian siblings to experiment with each other. But while Thor was more than happy in the privacy of their bedrooms, he refused to acknowledge what the shared elsewhere. Loki knew that Thor would pick the throne and his destiny over Loki, because the way he loved Thor was not the way that Thor loved him. And he did, and Loki got his heart broken. Their relationship suffered for many years because of the heartbreak Loki felt for what might have been between them. Together they could have ruled. Maybe, if they had recovered their relationship before Ragnarok instead of while they where fighting it, they could have saved Asgard. But even in his pleasant memories with Thor, Loki could never get rid of the sting of what might have been.
After that, he took lovers, but he was careful to maintain distance with his heart. He used his body, sex, and the promise of love as just another tool in his arsenal to get what he wanted. When he broke others hearts, he told himself it was okay, because it wasn’t his heart, and he was the God of Lies so it was their own fault for believing his promises. He had cared for some of them though, and he regretted the pain he caused them. He truly did not like hurting people, but sometimes it was a means to an end. Love was a beautiful shining promise, but get too close and it would shatter into a million pieces and Loki used that knowledge to his advantage.
Loki was a little tipsy now. He stood up and swayed, maybe he was more drunk than he thought. A few of the passengers had started singing, and someone was playing music. For some reason Mobius came to mind. Even though it had not originally been his choice to spend time with the man, he had come to enjoy it. It was, although he would never admit it out loud, slightly refreshing to be known so completely by Mobius. It made it even better when Loki was able to surprise him. He also greatly appreciated having someone who could keep up with his banter. The banter had gradually turned into flirting. More so on Loki’s end, as Mobius tried to maintain some semblance of professionalism. But Loki knew there was a seed there, a hint of what if, and of what could be, if they ever allowed it to be. Well, Loki reflected, there had been. Whatever could have been was probably gone after he had followed Sylvie through the portal. He had paused before going when he had heard Mobius yell his name, but regardless of Mobius he still wanted to overthrow the TVA and escape. Besides, Loki knew better to expect that someone who had killed and hunted many of his variants would ever love him. It had been a distraction and nothing else, Loki decided, and he ignored the small flare of hurt at what might have been.
There’s a pause in the songs now, and Loki walks over to the musician and instructs them in a set of chords to play. It’s an easy enough tune, but remains one of his favorites. He starts singing the ballad of a maiden asking her lost love to come home, while the love is traveling alone throughout the land. He gets the crowd to join in the chorus and he wonders what choosing this song now says about him, but he doesn’t want to examine that thought too closely.
The signing wakes Sylvie up. She’s angry he knows before she comes over. But he knows what to tell her now about what love is. “Love is a dagger, It’s a weapon to be wielded far away or up close. You can see yourself in it. It’s beautiful. Until it makes you bleed.” He’s holding out the dagger, out and Sylvie reaches for it as he says “But ultimately, when you reach for it, it isn’t real.” As she goes to close her hand around the dagger he disappears it, and it melts away and Sylvie’s hand closes on air. He sees his own sadness and grief reflected in her eyes before everything falls apart.