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Hinata looks at him. He is able to really look at him. Instead of just taking in his everyday features, he looks at his eyes, at its shape, how it’s wide and angular, how his irises are similar to the colour of the depths of the ocean. Hinata starts to hate himself, how stupid can he be to ignore such a shade? He looks at his lips, the corners lifting ever so slightly and Hinata wonders whether he could continue making him smile. He then looks at his collarbone, the soft skin he was born with, his fingers tapping on his chest, his nails and their simple upkeep.
He looks back at his eyes, only to be met with them looking back. Hinata gasps and forces his head away. He dislikes how his heart starts to beat faster. It’s too much. His lips are in pain from the way he starts to dig his teeth in them, his ears feel like they are on fire and what’s worse is that the rush of blood is all he can hear. Can Kageyama hear his heartbeat too?
Hinata starts to think about how he would always feel this way, the first time he had started to feel this way. He starts to think about how he just isn’t satisfied anymore. How selfish can he be, to ask for more than silly conversations and accurate tosses? How spoilt will he be if he receives more than simple bumps of the shoulders? Or the warmth of his hand on his head?
But he can’t do anything else. He had built such a good friendship with him. Hinata doesn’t have the right to ask for much more. He knows this.
Yet he can’t help it. He can’t help wanting to touch him, his face, to look into his eyes and tell him just how much beautiful they are, just how much he is willing to stay in the same position, to just gaze at them, to tell him how close his heart feels to beating out of his chest. He can’t help wanting to kiss him, to feel him breathe with him, to feel his lips, their softness and how they part for Hinata’s own. He just wants to be with him.
It hurts too much, the truth increasing his intake of air, widening the hole in his heart.
He starts to feel the sting in his eyes and he hates himself even more for it. He shakes his head, willing the tears to disappear, to stop them before it’s too late. But he feels a pull from his left shoulder, forcing him to lie back down on the grass.
Kageyama’s sudden intake of breath lets Hinata know that his tears have fallen, are falling. Hinata doesn’t look at him in the eye, embarrassed, if anything, for looking weak in front of someone he has always wanted to be strong for.
Hinata doesn’t look at him in the eye but Kageyama forces him to. He calls his name, not ‘dumbass’ or ‘idiot’, but his name, in a tone Hinata had never heard from him before. He calls his name in such a soft manner, as if he is lulling an infant to sleep with his voice.
“You know, I never have understood how tiny your brain is,” Kageyama starts to say as soon as Hinata meets his gaze.
He continues, “I don’t get how the gears in your brain work, too.”
Hinata thinks that this isn’t what he wants to hear right now, he doesn’t need jokes or insults right now. Because now he can’t help but let the tears fall, and it just hurts. It is evident Kageyama is never going to understand him. His body is set on leaving, running away from a heartless situation but Kageyama then holds his wrist, a smile beginning to form on his lips.
“It’s confusing, the way you think… sometimes I get you, but other times you’re like a goddamn puzzle. Like right now, I’m thinking about why you like me so much.”
Hinata sits up, confused. But he doesn’t leave and he doesn’t interrupt him.
“I overheard you talking to Suga-san about me,” he watches Hinata form a face of horror after gasping, not knowing how to respond.
“I heard how you wanted to hold me and…” Kageyama turns his head and because of that Hinata feels just a little better. Because is he blushing too?
“I know you like me. You said for a long time, too. I don’t really know how long for but…”
He still doesn’t know how to respond. But he continues to listen, however, even if his following words were a wave of blur because Kageyama knew. Kageyama knew…
“Me and Asuna were never going to work out, you know that right? I thought I had to prove myself… I broke up with her the week after I knew you liked me. It confused me so much, Hinata. I tried to spend every day of that week with her…”
I know, Hinata chants to himself, and he remembers the feeling of loneliness too. He thinks back to that week, how the longest he had seen of Kageyema was two seconds. He was either with her or busy studying. It was painful, so painful to realise how much you feel for someone who was evidently infatuated with someone else.
“I kept thinking I’m better off with her, but… Hinata, you’re too much of a dumbass for me to ignore. I’m so stupid too. How can I realise so late? Even Tanaka-senpai had to point out how I spent more time with you than I did with her. And then I just…”
He stops, staring at Hinata, as if Hinata knows his next words. So Hinata decides to gaze back and as he does, there is no end to his tears.
Kageyama looks at him as if he was the answer to every question in his head. He looks at him with recognition, as if Hinata is the only one that matters, the only one that he has been taking notice of, the only one he finds impossible to spend his life without.
“I just… I… Hinata, I… you…”
Kageyama’s eyebrows almost meet in the middle. Such simple words to pronounce yet so hard to let known.
“Hinata, I like you too.”
Hinata knows. Now, he knows. And Hinata starts to hate him, starts to complain about how bad he had been feeling, starts to force him to apologise, for how cruel he was, how mean.
Kageyama gives a smile, gentle and caring, as he wipes Hinata’s tears away with his thumb. Kageyama apologises, but not through words or through another confession, but through a kiss. He brings their lips to meet, lavishing in the feel of each other before separating to kiss once more, only this time deeper, with more pressure, as if reality is crashing through them like waves on a stormy night because this is finally happening and thank goodness, it is.
They break apart, eyes slowly opening, and Hinata looks broken. His sight is still a blur, lips still hurting from his teeth… How is he supposed to believe such a dream is happening before him?
Kageyama leans in again, giving another kiss and Hinata wastes no time in wrapping an arm around his waist, wanting evidence, wanting his warmth. He is real. This is real. Hinata knows. Hinata can believe it. This rude asshole… unkind, berating, he likes him. His best friend. He likes him. After all this time, the seconds he spent hating himself…
He likes him.
Not even Kageyama's first toss to him can compare to this.