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Todd didn’t expect his parents to be all that thrilled to see him, which is why it didn’t sting when they weren’t. They’d pulled him off of Welton’s campus one afternoon for Jeffrey’s birthday dinner- he was turning 21 after all. The golden boy had chosen a small Italian restaurant only half an hour away from campus, Todd was allowed to attend the dinner (despite his wishes to stay back). As expected, it was terribly awkward.
Once Mr. and Mrs. Anderson had discovered that Todd was twelfth in his class rank, animosity was present at the dinner table. His parents didn’t even bother to hide the disappointment as they mentioned how Jeff had been valedictorian and a merit scholar. They talked about how his teachers loved him, and soon the topic became so ‘Jeffrey’ that Todd was able to hide behind the steaming bowl of pasta he was served. After the whole class rank issue, Todd was simply ignored for the rest of the dinner. Even Jeff’s constant attempts to rope Todd into conversation were shot down by his parents or even Todd himself. He stared blankly at his plate of untouched fettuccine alfredo, shoulders hunched and hair hiding the miserable look on his face.
The rest of the night was all about Jeff. Todd hid, sang happy birthday, watched Jeff open cards full of money and boxes full of useful things like a blender he’d wanted, bottles of expensive champagne and even a gift card to get his car serviced. Todd had just turned 17 and all he’d gotten was another desk set- a desk set he had thrown off of one of the walkways at school with Neil- Neil. Thinking about Neil made the situation brighter for a moment before Todd realized that his parents expected him to marry a girl. If they even knew about Neil- how meeting him had caused Todd to realize that he really couldn't love women, that he was queer and in love with his roommate- if they were to ever find that out, they'd disown him. Again, his night was ruined.
Therefore, the sliver of hope that his brunet roommate provided was not enough to save Todd from the terrible car ride, or what happened when the Anderson's arrived at Welton.
“Listen,” his father started, pulling the car into the parking lot of the school. “You need to get your grades up.”
Todd was momentarily stunned by the fact that his father had even spoken to him, but quickly recovered. “I- I’m sorry, sir. I w- I will.”
“And for Christ’s sake, stop that damn stuttering you’re doing. When Jeff was in school, the teachers raved about him. He was valedictorian. He didn’t make a single B. Why can’t you just make us proud?” His father sighed, piling more tension into the thick air of the car. The silence was cut by the sound of a lighter flicking as his mother lit a cigarette with shaking fingers.
She took a drag. “You can’t get into a good college with those grades. And you know we’d love another son at Princeton.”
“I know,” Todd whispered, only able to stare at the shallow grooves in his dress pants. He burnt with shame, every drop of his blood like liquid poison, scorching his skin. The tears in his eyes did the same, threatening to spill and leave trails of fire upon his cheeks in their wake. His parents hated him. “I’m trying.”
Without a goodbye or even another word in edgewise, the car door was unlocked. If Jeff was in the car, Todd knew that he would be staring at him in sympathy, and would say something like ‘bye, buddy’. Thank God for his absence. Todd stumbled out of the car, watching as his parents pulled out and drove into the darkness.
Todd was suddenly reminded of a moment two weeks ago, during study group.Todd had been working with Charlie on Latin. Or supplying him with answers, but it went both ways and there was a fine line between the two when it came to Charlie. During that time, they’d been sharing anecdotes about the worst punishments they’d ever received, and Todd remembered jokingly recalling a time when his parents had ignored him for nearly a week in the sixth grade when he’d made a D on an important science test. Instead of laughing and jabbing like Charlie always did, he just made a face that terrifyingly resembled concern.
That expression followed Todd into the dorms, hovering in front of him as he let a couple of hot tears slip to clear the glossiness of his eyes.
here was no reason for Charlie to be concerned, Todd reasoned. That was normal parenting, everyone went through that. Besides, it wasn’t some odd occurrence, it was just the first time that had happened. Todd couldn’t even count the other times he’d been withheld from dinner or family events, and he vaguely recalled being locked in his room for a weekend and sternly told to finish his homework and study to be let out again. By the time he got to he and Neil’s room, he was quite convinced that there was no reason for concern- other than the fact that his parents were disappointed. They were always disappointed, and Todd was trying his hardest.
That second revelation hit Todd in the chest, and it felt as if a dagger had been driven through his heart. He was worthless and embarrassing, and no stupid, improvised poem could change that. Again, tears bit at his eyes. He felt useless, dirty, and nausea climbed his throat until whatever ‘hello’ he had stored for Neil was replaced by bitter bile.
“Todd!” Neil exclaimed, departing from his perch on the radiator the moment his roommate entered the small shared space, “How was dinner?” The dirty-blond poet managed a shrug, carefully shutting the door behind himself and peeling his coat off. He was not in the mood for Neil’s ever-chipper attitude, even if it meant missing a night of stolen kisses whilst curled together on one small bed. No, he didn’t even want to think about whatever he had with Neil. He knew that he’d equate it to his parents and end up retching bile into the trash can once his roommate was asleep. However, Neil pressed on, concern lacing his voice and features.
“What happened at dinner, Todd?”
“Nothing.” He managed to choke the word out, sounding quiet and meek as he always did. Why couldn’t he be like Neil, or Jeff? Confident, passionate, perfect…
Neil was so obviously concerned, standing stranded in the middle of the room, but Todd simply couldn’t assure him. He couldn’t even look at him as he changed swiftly into his pajamas, knowing Neil was watching him the whole time. His roommate was never speechless, ever, and guilt bubbled amidst the anxiety and misery Todd felt. He ignored all of it, as he pulled his socks up and curled up under the covers.
“Do you want to t-”
“Goodnight, Neil.” He told himself that he didn’t need concern, or pity as he curled up beneath his blanket. He didn't need to see the way Neil looked- so sorry, without even saying a word. Maybe Neil understood, because he gave up on his efforts and retired to his own bed. Todd listened to his soft footsteps against the hardwood floor and the familiar creak of the mattress before he heard blankets rustling.
Neil had hardly lied down before Todd lost himself to the dark recesses of his mind.
Idiot, he thought, you are such an idiot. Twelfth in class? Are you even trying?
It hurt so deeply because he was. He was trying, but sometimes, he simply couldn’t understand what was going on in class. The letters in words would switch and become illegible if he read too for too long a time, or too quickly. He couldn’t understand trigonometry because the teacher sped through lessons as if every word he spoke and wrote was processed effortlessly. He couldn’t excel at soccer because he was too worried about failing first. Todd figured that the only reason he wasn’t last was because of Mr. Keating’s class, and even then, he wasn’t the best at English, either. Worst of all, he was kissing another boy. And constantly.
Before he could even stop himself, a sob bubbled up in his throat and rushed through his lips. The silent tears that streaked his cheeks became louder than Todd could speak, and even as he bit on his hand to stifle them, he could not keep quiet. They shook his shoulders and chest, and he curled in on himself, wishing that his thin blanket could hide him from the world.
Neil would not let him hide, though. The mattress dipped by Todd’s side, and somewhere in the distance, he felt a warm hand against his back.
“Todd? Todd, come here. Todd.” He was gathered like a child into Neil’s arms, but grabbed fistfuls of the other boy’s flannel as he cried into his shirt, wrapping his legs around him as if that would keep Neil's arms around him. Thankfully, Neil's arms did not budge. Truthfully, Todd was afraid that he was going to let go. He was always afraid.
Todd, Todd, Todd. Neil said, over and over. Todd. Had his parents even said his name tonight? He cried harder.
A hand cradled the back of his head, fingers weaved through his hair, holding his cheek to Neil’s warm shoulder. “Todd, it’s alright. I’m here. Please don't cry, you’ll make yourself sick.”
Neil was a grounding force, but what worked best was one hand rubbing circles into Todd's back and the other carding long, graceful fingers through his hair- hair which still held remnants of the gel that he had applied so carefully for the dinner. Neil pulled apart dirty blonde strands, smoothed it until it was natural again. With each gentle movement, it felt like Neil was pulling away some of the panic he felt. Still, it wasn't enough.
“I am sick,” he sobbed, gasping for air in short breaths. “I- I- I’m sick and- sick, and stupid and useless and disapp- disappointing--”
“No. Stop it, Todd, stop talking like that,” Neil gently gripped Todd’s cheeks, holding the other boy’s face in his hands. If Todd was sound and calm and focused, he would see that Neil’s stern expression was concerned and burdened, too. Neil knew what had brought this about, obviously. He knew how Todd’s parents were. He hated every moment of it, a hatred which brought passion into his fingers as he brushed tears from Todd’s cheeks. “I don’t care what they said to you, Todd, you’re not stupid. Or disappointing, or useless. You are none of those things.”
Todd shook his head, trying to force himself off of Neil. The brunet wouldn’t let that happen, though, using one wiry arm to pull Todd back to his chest. The other boy let out a throaty sob and brought his fist down against Neil’s chest, grabbing onto the fabric like a lifeline after the outburst of anger. “Y-you know it’s true. Th- they- I can’t be what they- I can’t be what they want--”
“If they don’t want Todd, then they aren’t going to get what they want. That’s the truth, Todd, honestly. They’re terrible parents if they don’t want you for what you are.”
“No,” He hiccuped, finally coming down from his panic, “No, they aren’t terrible parents, Neil. Th- they aren’t. They aren’t terrible. I am. I’m not valedictorian and I-”
“You don’t need to be valedictorian, Todd. You’re their son, that should be enough. The way they treat you isn't right.” Neil sighed, because he was the last person who'd know anything about good parents. He and Todd had been stuck with a terrible lot.
Todd was just learning to breathe again, and he couldn’t stop crying. How could one person cry as much as Todd was crying? He just couldn’t understand what Neil was saying. It was how to treat a son, he was their son, and it was how he lived. They loved him. They loved him-
He sobbed, strangled. “They love me, Neil! They love me! They love me, they love me-” And he broke into tearful ramblings, chanting the phrase as if saying it would make it come true. Neil sighed softly, pressing his lips and nose into Todd’s soft hair and breathing steadily against him as the phrase died on his lips, turning into quiet cries. They didn't, and Todd knew it.
“It’s alright, Todd.” He kissed the other boy’s head, a simple and gentle gesture that sent goosebumps rushing down Todd’s spine. “Let’s lay down.”
It seemed like it took hours for the sobbing to stop once Todd was lying against Neil’s chest, pressed close in the confined space of one bed that barely fit Todd alone. Eventually, though, his breathing matched Neil’s and his hand rested over Neil’s gentle heartbeat. The tears had stopped. He stared blankly at the wall beside him, too exhausted to be mortified about the breakdown he’d just had. “Hey, Todd?” Neil tapped one finger against Todd’s chin, and the other looked up with bloodshot eyes. “I love you, you know.”
His eyes widened, breath hitching in his throat. Todd was shocked by those three, unfamiliar words. Coming from Neil? Neil just said that he loved him. Todd smiled and watched his fingers scrunch and relax around the fabric of Neil’s shirt, feeling the way his partner's heartbeat picked up anxiously. Neil loved him.
“Todd?” Neil sounded nervous. Neil, nervous?
With a jolt, Todd remembered that he had to respond. “I… I love you, too. I just don’t- I don’t hear that a lot.”
Neil’s sigh was soft but he still smiled, looking up at the ceiling. His palm was splayed loosely against Todd’s back, fingers resting lightly enough to feel hot skin under shirt beneath his fingertips. The brunet’s grip was light enough to allow Todd to inch forward just enough to press a hesitant kiss to his partner's strong jaw, and then spatter a whole row of equally hesitant kisses down the column of his neck. Each gentle press of Todd's lips made Neil smile more, and he closed his eyes, simply wishing to feel. Todd kissed him, gently, like he always did. Neil kissed back, like he always did. The dirty-blond pecked his partner’s lips three short times, earning a smile and a breathy laugh from Neil.
“Who is this, and what has he done with Todd Anderson?” Todd smiled and looked down, cheeks coloring red. Neil couldn’t help but admire the sight of him in the moonlight, looking down through long eyelashes and hidden through barely-blonde hair. He loved Todd Anderson- and Todd loved him back, proving so as he more-assuredly pressed his hand to Neil’s chest, kissing him once more- this time with a passion that Neil rarely saw in the shorter boy.
“-love you-” Todd whispered once, slowly, as he parted for breath, before dipping his lips back to Neil’s just after the words reached Neil's ears
He teasingly flicked his tongue against Todd’s bottom lip, taking the boy’s gasp as an opportunity to breach new waters and meet Todd’s tongue with his own. Todd’s surprised whine tensed every muscle in Neil's stomach, and soon his hand was gripping the back of the other boy’s neck- almost guiding him through the chest. After Todd had found a less-awkward rhythm, Neil parted for a sweet breath. “Love you, too. Again.”
Todd’s breathy giggle was swallowed by another kiss- and then another- and suddenly Todd felt his breathing become labored as his blood became liquid fire once more- but this time, the heat in his stomach seemed to stem from something entirely different. He couldn’t stop gripping the front of Neil’s flannel, fingers shaking once more. He had never done anything like this before, and he was becoming drunk on the love sipped from Neil's pink lips.
Suddenly, Neil’s hands came to capture his, warm. “You’re shaking.”
“I’m nervous.” Todd breathed, eyes meeting Neil’s.
Neil’s small smile was enough to light Todd’s soul aflame. He couldn’t help but notice how blunt and bitten Todd’s nails were, fitting right in with the hangnails and shaking fingers. He decided then that he loved Todd’s hands.
“Don’t be, it’s just me.” Neil nudged Todd gently, wordlessly urging the poet to lay on his back. Once Todd complied, Neil haphazardly threw one leg between Todd’s and hovered above the other, elbows pressing into the mattress. Beneath him, Todd was stunned into a mesmerized silence, blue eyes wide and fixed on Neil. Neil smiled at his partner before leaning down to kiss him slowly. Soft, careful hands tangled themselves in his hair, and Todd was kissing him back, no longer nervous.
“Just you.” Todd muttered, wrapping a strand of Neil’s hair around his finger and letting it unravel.
The brunet nodded at the notion before kissing the blond sweetly, letting the gesture linger before pressing another feather-light kiss to the corner of his mouth. His chin, his jaw, and a line of soft kisses down the pale column of his neck. Fingers tangled in shirt buttons and once Todd's pajama top was lying alone on the hardwood floor, Neil rested his hands on Todd’s soft waist. His fingers danced eagerly across the pale stage of Todd's chest, and poetry poured from his lips at the sight of Todd’s bare chest. He kissed once for each word he couldn’t express, peppering collarbones and flat stomachs with unspoken words. Todd’s muscles jerked at the sensitive contact and Neil couldn’t help but grin as Todd’s hands tightened in his hair.
“Neil-”
“Shh.” Neil silenced the other with a kiss, trailing his fingertips down the length of Todd’s chest. Todd closed his eyes, gripping onto Neil’s hair a little more tightly. He was lost, not knowing how to move or what to do. He’d never done anything like this before, and the heat from his chest was beginning to sink lower and pool between his legs. Neil hooked his fingers under the bands of Todd’s sweatpants as the dirty-blonde raised his knees in anticipation, lightly tugging on Neil’s hair.
Todd breathed shakily. “Neil- Neil-”
The brown-eyed boy looked up through long eyelashes. “Yes?”
“I’ve never-” The dirty-blond let a soft whimper escape his lips as Neil kissed his soft lower stomach once more, hips buckling upward. “Neil, I’ve never-”
“I know. Me neither.” Neil laughed softly, kissing Todd softly to calm him. He felt the way Todd gripped his hair, hips occasionally bucking upward as the blond searched for some sort of relief. Again, more kisses created a path from Todd's bobbing adam's apple to his navel, where Neil plafyfully dipped his tongue in. Todd giggled breathlessly, a smile spreading across his face as Neil took his hand. "Look, let me show you how much I love you."
After a moment's hesitation, Todd nodded. With blown pupils and a heaving chest, Todd gave into him.
In the morning, Todd was sore. Neil laughed about it, and it seemed Charlie was the only one who noticed. That didn't matter to either of them, though. They were much too happy with each other, and Todd was elated and relieved to know that somebody really, truly loved him. No matter what happened, he would always have Neil- and now he knew this. For once, Todd didn't expect his parents to be happy to see him, and he was just a bit more alright with it.