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The infertility issue was hard, harder than she had imagined and (on more than one occasion) she found herself resentful and angry at Nicole. It had been so damn easy for Nicole. She got pregnant almost right away. She handled pregnancy like a Champ (ew, there has got to be a better word for that) and had the worlds most perfect vaginal birth. So fucking perfect.
“Not me though” she thought.
Nope, it took almost 8 months of trying before Waverly was able to finally get pregnant. She let out a shaky sigh as yet more tears threatened. But, they had persevered and they were finally going to add to their perfect little family. Then, the worst happened. The cramping, the bleeding, the procedure…Suction D&C it was called on the consent but it doesn’t matter, nothing matters, it means the same fucking thing. She had miscarried. She had failed again. She would never be good enough for the people she loved.
And there it was, the ugly truth.
Waverly looked at herself in the mirror, water still dripping from her face. She had dark circles under her red, puffy, cried out eyes. Her lips were dry and pulled tight in a line and her skin was blotchy.
“Ugly” she whispered to herself.
Waverly Earp had seen a lot of things when she looked at her reflection in the past, some good, some not so good but she had never before seen…ugly.
But there was no doubt about it, in her eyes, in this moment, she was UGLY.
Ugly because of the way she looked but mostly for the way she felt and acted. For thinking horrible thoughts about not only herself but about those around her, especially her beautiful and wonderful wife. Ugly most of all for pushing everyone far, far away including their perfect baby boy.
She put her hands down on the sink letting her head fall down between her shoulders with her eyes closed tight and just soaked in the anguish. She has had a pretty shit life. Lots of shitty things piled atop shit for a long time. But then she met Nicole and even though there was still some tough times to deal with she found there was less or maybe she was just better able to handle them. Able to see the light as it were. Then Gus was born and God were things so good for a while. She had a family and she made sure they always knew how much they were loved and she was HAPPY, so, so HAPPY.
Downstairs she could hear all the activities of a normal day (what even is a normal day anymore?) and she pushed herself to leave the shelter of her bathroom and made to dress for the day.
When she made it downstairs she found Gus sitting on the floor of the living room with his back against the couch. Cartoons were on the TV and he was happily watching them with his favorite stuffed animal in one hand and his thumb from his other hand in his mouth (we’ll deal with that later she thought). She could hear Nicole making breakfast in the kitchen. She quietly sat down on the couch behind Gus and ran her fingers through his hair. So many emotions flowed through her in that moment, with that touch.
Love. A burst of electric love shot through her.
Healing. This is the way healing would come she thought much too briefly.
And…sadness. Oh yeah, that. Back to reality.
Gus looked up at her, meeting her eyes with his. A smile came briefly to his face replaced almost immediately with something that looked maybe like fear or like he had forgotten something. He jumped up from his seat and ran to his toy chest where he retrieved the mask that he has been wearing religiously every time she saw him for the past week (since the hospital she thought fleetingly). He put it on and returned to his regularly scheduled activity. Before she had any chance to process his actions Nicole appeared.
“Hey buddy, breakfast…” she stopped dead.
“Oh, hey Waves. How…ummm…Ive made breakfast, wanna join?”
“Sure” was all Waverly had in her to say.
Nicole turned to the side to allow her family to pass in front of her as they made their way to the kitchen table. Nicole closed her eyes and swallowed hard as Waverly’s body brushed slightly against hers. She missed her wife. Waverly picked Gus up into his booster (same as always but not lately) and they all took their unofficial assigned seats.
“OK, Buddy, time to eat, off with the mask.” Nicole said.
Gus slowly shook his head side to side and proceeded to attempt to pass a small bite of pancake into his mouth through the mask.
“Seriously Gus, off with the mask. We don’t wear that at the table.”
“I can’t” he said in a whisper as he put his head down almost in tears.
“You can and you will. Take off the mask Gus, NOW” Nicole was maybe overreacting but she didn’t need this today (of all days) when its the first day in just over a week that Waverly has left their room.
And then the shit hit the fan.
Gus broke out in tears. Big, sad, sloppy tears that began to drip from the bottom of his mask onto his plate below.
Nicole didn’t think it was possible for her to feel worse than she had been feeling this whole week but there she was. She found herself regretting her entire existence.
“Gus, I’m sorry I yelled. It’s ok, please. It’s ok. Just… we can’t eat with the mask on. Please, you can put it back on after breakfast if you want.”
“I can’t.” He said again.
Waverly sat there, confused and numb which just made her…more fucking sad. In this moment (and for the past week at least) Nicole was a single parent.
“Why, buddy? Why can’t you take it off. It’s just for a little while.”
“I have to wear it for Mama. So, I don’t hurt her.” He said.
That got everyones attention.
“It hurts Mama to see me right now and she can’t see me if I wear the mask. I don’t want to hurt Mama.”
Nicole’s mouth dropped open. Her mind questioned for a moment and then focused on a conversation she had with Wynonna. She had asked Wynonna to sit for Gus for a day or two after the procedure so that they could process. They had talked about it maybe being easier…being better if he weren’t there…FUCK! Obviously, he had heard.
Waverly looked to Nicole with eyes that would cry if there were any tears left to be had. She stood and left the room. Leaving her family in ruins behind her.
“Nope, can’t do this” she muttered on her way out.
She didn't make it far. She made it to the first door at the top of the stairs to be exact. Gus’s room with Gus’s toys and Gus’s bed and she stopped. She looked at the table beside his bed where a book was left open to the page that Nicole had left off on the night before, where she would undoubtedly pick up on tonight. Once upon a time that was her job. Reading their son a story before bed was her job. No, not job, It was her privilege, her LOVE. It was her absolute favorite thing in this whole wide world. Every night she would read to her son. Fantastic, sweeping stories of adventure. She would read until he fell off to sleep and then she would run her fingers through his perfect red hair, kiss his perfect forehead and declare her unending love for him softly in his ear. Then she would retreat to her bedroom where the love of her life would be waiting for her. Sometimes she would be sleeping already and Waverly would wrap herself around her and drift off to the sounds of her breathing. Other times, well, other times went very different. On those occasions sleep would come much later, sweat soaked and blissfully wrapped up in each others arms.
I need this life. I need them. They need me. They deserve me. I…I deserve?
She turned around and rushed into the kitchen. Gus sat in his chair, mask on covered in pancake syrup. Nicole sat at the table pushing food around her plate staring down blankly.
“Im, so sorry.” Waverly said with a gravely voice she barely recognized as her own. When was the last time she used it, she didn’t even know.
“I’m so, so sorry” she said again as she dropped to her knees in front of Gus.
“Can I take your mask off of you, please. I need to see you.”
Gus hesitated but nodded yes.
Waverly reached out and slowly pulled back the mask.
“There you are my love. It's so nice to see you.”
“It…it doesn’t hurt you? I don’t want to…” tears starting again as he replied.
Waverly stood and swept him up into her arms.
“Never, never could it ever hurt me to see you. You are my absolute life. I love you so much and I will always want to see you. I will always NEED to see you and hold you and LOVE you.”
They held each other tight and cried.
Nicole, still seated at the table, dropped her head into her hands and wept. She wept out of guilt for making her son feel bad and for not taking better care of Waverly while she was pregnant (even though she knew there was nothing to be done differently). She wept for the pain her wife was suffering through. And, yes, she wept for her own loss.
Waverly looked down at her and called her name. Nicole looked up to see Waverly’s outstretched arm beckoning her to come join their embrace. They stayed that way for a while, holding each other, healing each other until everyday life came calling. For the first time since the miscarriage they answered the call.
That night, Nicole lay awake in their bed and listened while Waverly read to her son from the book that Nicole had started. It was no surprise when Gus fell asleep much sooner than usual. They had all had a rough day. Waverly watched him for a while. The rise and fall of his chest. The faint outline of a smile still on his face. She was in awe of him and how much she loved him. As she quietly walked to her bedroom she could still feel the heaviness in her heart, the deep sadness but there was something else too. Love? Yes, love. She needed to let herself be ok with love again. There was a lot of healing to be done but for the first time since the day she lost their baby, she found herself wanting to.
It took a 3 year old masked hero to save them she thought as she lowered herself into bed next to her wife.