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Justin rubbed his forehead as he stared up at the darkening sky, trying to figure out how exactly he had gotten in that position and wondering why both his head and his back ached. It wasn't until he sat up and was met by a somewhat smug, but also slightly concerned, Gregory Goyle. Justin rubbed his hands over his eyes as he tried to figure out if he was hallucinating or not.
"Sorry, I was doing some spell practice and you got caught in the crossfire." The Slytherin apologised, a hand extending down to help Justin up which he only took after he managed to convince himself that he hadn't actually been a target. He doubted that Goyle even knew who he was, let alone had it out for him. Justin tended to keep his head down after all and so he had very few enemies even within the Slytherin house even though he knew that most of the House didn't approve of him even being there in the first place.
"It's fine." Justin said as he dusted himself off once he was back on his feet. Other than a couple of bruises and a killer headache that he was sure could be cured by a good cup of coffee. Goyle could have kept him on the ground, but he hadn't, so Justin at least felt safer. "You might want to find somewhere a bit more secure before you completely knock out an unsuspecting first year, don't you think?" He asked as he met the gaze of the Slytherin who was becoming increasingly difficult to read.
"Mm, you could be right there." Goyle said, his wand now behind his ear and he pulled his sleeves down as he glanced up over his shoulder at the castle behind them. "I guess that's me done for the day then."
Justin chewed on his lip for a moment, quietly letting himself take in that it was more than likely that Goyle had actually been practicing for class and from what he knew of Malfoy's henchmen that wasn't something they actually did. In his own friend group they were known as dumb and dumber, after all, though which Goyle was and which Crabbe was had been a much heated debate at times between Ernie and Susan - but those two argued over pretty much everything these days so that wasn't much of a surprised that they would have differing opinions here too.
"Are you alright?" Goyle's question took Justin by surprise and he blinked a couple of times before he could even figure out how he was meant to answer that. It was the Slytherin who had knocked him on his ass after all.
"I guess a bit dazed. Your knockback jinx is powerful. There's no denying that. You just need to work on the target practice aspect." Justin fancied himself a bit of a seasoned duelist, as long as he didn't count what had happened when he had faced The Boy Who Lived back in second year. He still maintained that Harry had tried to kill him and now that he knew that Ernie - the boy he was head over heels for - had a history with Harry, he knew that it was unlikely that he was going to get over this chip on his shoulder any time soon.
"Is that an offer?" The question took Justin by surprise and he all but choked on air as he stared at the Slytherin. Could he help someone who was known to hate the person that he was? He knew that he shouldn't judge others based on perceptions but if was something that had been done to him a million times over and he was getting tired of it fast. None of that was Goyle's fault, though.
"Uh. Sure." Justin found himself agreeing. He didn't know why and he was sure that once he told his friends about this then they would yell at him for equipping someone who was essentially their enemy with the skills to take them down, but there was a reason that Justin was a Hufflepuff and he couldn't turn his back on someone in need. "Meet me back here after dinner tomorrow and we'll do some target practice."
Goyle gave him what actually looked like a smile and for some reason that gave Justin the warm tinglies. "Thank, I appreciate it."
Justin just gave him a nod, a 'don't mention it' gesture before he said "See you then" and headed back up to the castle, doing his best not to unpick the whole encounter lest he start to regret it entirely. He liked to believe that even with everything that was going on in the world there was still a place where he could be friends with anyone and everyone that he wanted to be.
**
"Hey nerd." Justin looked up from where he was sat under a tree, twirling a fork between his fingers though he had long finished the bowl of noodles that he had snuck out here to eat in peace without the judgement of his best friends who couldn't seem to understand why he was spending so much time with someone who generally wouldn't even give him the time of day. Justin knew that it was a one-way relationship, that he could be replaced by anyone else and Goyle wouldn't even notice, but he found that he couldn't even make himself care about that.
"That's a new one." He commented as he looked up at Goyle who took a seat in front of him, his head tilted to the side. Justin longed to know what thoughts passed through that head of his, but he knew that he was unlikely ever to share that with him. "Isn't that meant to be a derogatory thing?"
"Have you seen yourself lately?" Goyle asked, an eyebrow raised now before he took the file that Justin had rested on his lap and hadn't even realised how heavy it was until it was no longer weighing down on him. "I would like to add that it is actually a term of endearment here."
"A term of endearment, huh?" Justin asked as he watched how easily Goyle leafed through the folder. It was Justin's homework folder and he didn't just hand it over to anyone, but he had realised a few weeks ago now that Goyle wasn't exactly just anyone.
"Yeah, it means I'm sort of fond of you, you numpty." Goyle closed the folder over and set it down in the grass beside him.
"I'm getting so many mixed signals from you, do you know that?" Justin moved to lie back in the grass so that he could stare up at the sky. He never knew what to think about the things that Goyle said. Sometimes it felt as if he might just reciprocate the feelings that Justin had forming but other times it felt as if they couldn't even be friends and that was somewhat soul crushing, especially when he took into account how much time he had been spending with the other boy lately.
"I know." Goyle said quietly - and Justin was surprised to hear the admission come out of his mouth. His heart pounded in his chest as his mind raced at a mile a minute trying to figure out what exactly those two little words meant.
"Goyle. You've made progress with your dueling, why do you still hang out with me?" Justin couldn't look at Goyle as he posed the question. He was too afraid of the answer but he had to know one way or another. There was a chance that it would completely backfire and he would end up out on his own in the cold.
"I would have thought that was obvious by now." Goyle's voice was softer than Justin had ever heard it before. "You know, despite my mixed signals."
Justin swallowed thickly before he shook his head, allowing himself to glance sideways at the boy but not for more than a couple of seconds before he focused on the sky again. "You're going to have to spell it out for me."
"I like you." Goyle's voice was barely above a whisper but Justin heard his words clear as day. He didn't know whether Goyle meant in a romantic way or not, but he knew that he was grateful to have Goyle like him in any shape or form. He knew that made him sound desperate. He wasn't desperate, or at least he liked to believe that he wasn't desperate, but no-one could blame him for wanting the boy's affection. Or at least he hoped that no-one would blame him. His friends weren't exactly Goyle's biggest fans but he wanted to believe that they had enough trust in Justin that he could make decisions for himself, especially when it came to matters of the heart.
Justin was fully aware that his cheeks were burning bright red but try as he might there was no possible way for him to turn the blush off. He had never been one to be able to hide his own emotions, and honestly he was under the impression that you should never have to hide away how you truly feel. There was so much wrong in the world that he just couldn't see the point in hiding anything like that.
He wanted to say something clever in reply to Goyle's admission but he found that he was almost completely lost for words and so instead he could only stare up at the blue sky, trying to ignore the way that his heart was skipping on every other beat. He knew that Goyle was waiting for some sort of reaction, that he would want to know whether or not Justin reciprocated his feelings or not, though he was far easier to read than the Slytherin, but he couldn't make himself talk anymore than he could make himself stop blushing.
Before he knew it, Goyle was lying in the grass next to him. Electricity passed through Justin's entire body as Goyle bumped his hand against his, his knuckles tapping against the back of Justin's hand just the once but once was enough. He clasped their hands together, twisted their fingers together, never wishing to let the hand of this person he had never wanted to get this attached to go. The two of them just lay there, together, not moving but Justin didn't want to move. He didn't want to risk ruining this moment.
**
"Do your friends know you're gay?" Goyle asked before popping a Bertie Bott into his mouth. They were spending a rare sunny Saturday down by the lake - it was their spot and though neither of them had actually said it, Justin liked to think that they were in a relationship together. He knew that he shouldn't just make assumptions like that but he couldn't help it. It didn't help that he had never been in a relationship before and didn't actually know what to expect from one, but he knew that he spent more time with him than anyone else. It also didn't help that Justin was the sort of person to quickly attach himself to others.
He paused for a moment at Goyle's question. He had never explicitly told his friends that he was gay but he figured that they already knew. His crush on Ernie for the last five years had been glaringly obvious to the point that Hannah had told him that he should tone it down on more than one occasion. Ernie wasn't gay, though he didn't know what Ernie was. It just wasn't a conversation that they had had, mainly because Justin hadn't wanted to get his heart broken. Now, he supposed, would be an opportune time because he was crushing hard on someone else.
"I haven't told them, no." He said quietly, deciding just to be honest, though if Goyle wanted to know why then that might be slightly more difficult to explain. "What about yours?"
"I'm not gay." Goyle told him, his eyes fixed on his hands that were twisting blades of grass into an intricate pattern. "I don't really know what I am, but I'm not gay."
Justin didn't know how he could be so sure that he wasn't something when he didn't know what he was, especially when he had already confessed his feelings for a man. It was the Ernie situation all over again and Justin had to wonder if it was something that he had done to cause this. Or maybe Goyle had simply changed his mind about liking Justin.
"You're not?" He didn't mean to sound so surprised but he couldn't seem to help it. He just wanted to understand this whole situation before it drove him to insanity. For a Puff, Justin had very little patience and that was something that he needed to work on.
"No…" Goyle said slowly, his eyes flickering upwards to Justin for a beat before he looked down again. "I like boys, there's no denying that. And I really like you. I just… I have no desire to kiss boys, let alone anyone else. That's not to say that I want to kiss girls either, though. I don't particularly want to kiss anyone."
Justin tilted his head slightly at that as he tried to understand how Goyle knew that he liked Justin in the first place then, because one of the first indications to Justin had been that he wanted to kiss the Slytherin. He wanted to ask but he had a feeling that that might seem rude so instead he resolved to keep his mouth shut. All that mattered was that the boy that he was seeing liked him back.
They were both silent for a moment before Justin remembered what Hannah had said about her own sexuality. Hannah didn't want to kiss anyone either - but she'd also never wanted to be in a relationship with anyone before and so he didn't know if it was the same or just similar. Either way he couldn't see how it could hurt to mention it to Goyle, without using Hannah's name of course. It wasn't his place to out anyone.
"Ever wondered if you're asexual?" Justin asked, all too aware that he was maybe a little too forthright. There was never any telling how someone would take being told that they're asexual, especially when they had mainly been taught about asexual reproduction in relation to creatures and plants. Justin hadn't known that it was something that a person could be until Hannah had declared herself asexual at the end of last summer. "I mean, if you don't experience sexual attraction…" He hesitated for a moment. "There's - um - there's also aromantic, where someone doesn't experience romantic attraction but obviously if you… I'm not trying to force labels on you."
Goyle was staring at him, his eyes practically boring into Justin but the Hufflepuff had hope that it was just because he was taking in everything that he had said and not because he was plotting his untimely death for even suggesting something like that. He just wanted to help Goyle, even if Goyle couldn't exactly see that at this moment in time.
Justin didn't say any more, deciding that it might just be counterintuitive to try to force him to respond, especially when Justin was trying to make the point that Goyle was free to make his own choices and label himself however he saw fit, not how others did. Goyle seemed to be content to sit there in silence anyway, and Justin supposed that it was because he was slowly processing the things that he had said, and hoped that it had nothing to do with revenge.
**
“I know what I am now.” Goyle was holding Justin’s hand in his own broad one as they walked through the winding alleys of Hogsmeade. Justin wasn’t worried about people seeing them but he knew that Goyle was and so they tended to stick to places that no-one would see them.
“Huh?” They hadn’t exactly been talking about anything in particular to lead Goyle to say this, in fact Justin had purposefully been avoiding talking about anything because of Goyle’s new position on the Inquisitorial Squad and Justin’s genuine fear for his life. He knew that Goyle wouldn’t let anything happen to him at the hands of the IS but that wouldn’t stop You Know Who from coming after him if he managed to rise back to power - something he had been assured by Harry Potter was completely possible. It wouldn’t be the first time that his blood status had made him a target after all.
“I found a label that works for me.” Goyle continued, his grip on Justin’s hand tightening ever-so-slightly as he sought the comfort that Justin would give him no matter what was running through his brain at a hundred miles an hour. “I’m homoromantic.”
Justin squeezed Goyle’s hand back gently, grateful that his Slytherin boyfriend had trusted him with this information. He was more-or-less certain that Goyle had never told anyone else this - he knew that the Snake liked to keep people at arm’s length. Justin was still waiting for permission to call him by something else other than his surname and they had been together for over six months now.
“I’m happy for you.” He said softly. And truthfully, Justin was happy for Goyle. He wanted Goyle to know who he was, especially when times were as uncertain as they were for everyone. The world they lived in was complicated and terrifying, and that was without throwing the fact that they were queer on top of the fire. Justin was a target of one side of the brewing war because of his blood status, and Goyle was a target of the opposing side because of who his parents were.
“And I do think I’m asexual, like you said, but I don’t think I want to use that label. I don’t know why, it just doesn’t feel right. At least not in the same way that homoromantic does.” Goyle continued while Justin just nodded along, letting him get it all out and hoping that by saying it aloud - something that he was fully aware Goyle would have had little chance to do so far - would help him to understand everything better. “But I’m not all that bothered.” He added. “Not as long as I have you by my side.”
Justin couldn’t help but swallow thickly at that. He wanted to believe that they would always be with each other but the crushing reality of the situation was that even if they did somehow manage to make it through the next couple of years, it was highly unlikely that they would still be together after they left school. There were certain expectations put upon Goyle as a pureblood, after all, and one of those expectations was that he didn’t associate with muggle borns, let alone date one. The fact that Justin was male would just be the icing on the cake for Goyle’s parents, Justin was sure.
“What?” Goyle asked, stopping in his tracks and tugging Justin around to face him. His fingers carefully moved to touch Justin’s cheek but the Hufflepuff didn’t allow himself to lean into his touch, as much as he wanted to. He couldn’t pretend that everything was just hunky dory when he felt like he was being ripped apart from the inside out.
“Do you ever just want to run away?” He asked quietly, hoping that Goyle would know that he was being serious even if he was veiling it in such a way.
“Sometimes I fantasise about stealing the flying carpet my dad keeps in the attic and flying to Finland where no-one can ever find me.” Goyle nodded, his thumb still running across Justin’s skin in what was probably meant to be a soothing motion but Justin was on edge and he wasn’t sure that anything was going to be able to calm him down ever. It sounded like such a desperate way to phrase things, which was why he didn’t allow himself to say it aloud.
“That…” Justin began but he trailed off with a small nod. That sounded like as good a plan as any and if they were to have any sort of hope to continue this relationship then it was probably their best bet, even though he was pretty sure that Goyle wasn’t at all serious. There was nothing more to say about it, however, so Justin just leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Goyle’s, letting the simple movement say everything that he couldn’t.