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I kept my eyes closed even when a hand was gently shaking me awake. “Get up, Lance,” I let out a low whine, still pressing my face against whatever it was under me. “Come on, I’m sure you don’t want the rest of the team seeing you cuddling me.” Seeing me… oh quiznak! My eyes shot open, and I sat up to find myself having been cuddling with Keith.
I’m sure my eyes were comically large, “quiznak, yeah, sorry,” I shifted so that I wasn’t still snuggled up in Keith’s lap. I clenched and unclenched my hands, not knowing what to do. “I’m sorry,” I repeated softly, not daring to meet his gaze. What am I supposed to say after I revealed my biggest secret with open arms?
He arched his back, stretching until there were more than a few pops and cracks. “You don’t have to apologize, I’m not mad at you. I’m just confused,” he told me sincerely but still slowly, like he wasn’t sure he was saying the right things. “Can we talk about last night?” He finally asked the burning question.
I don’t have a right to say no, I’m the one that dragged him into this. I couldn’t blame him for running off and telling all the Paladins my stupid little secret. Wait, wait, is he gonna tell them?
“Please don’t tell anyone,” I blurted out, finally looking into those dark abysses of eyes, “I know you could totally tell everyone but like, please, I dunno-” he cut off my pathetic ramble.
He turned to face me better, “hey, I’m not gonna tell anyone,” he assured me, “I’m just trying to understand what happened last night,” he was so earnest and considerate and quiznak I need to murder all my feelings before they spill out of me. “You said you felt, um… widdle?” Okay, okay, I know now's not the time but hearing Keith Kogane, the emo loner, say ‘widdle’ is actually precious.
I nodded, biting my lip to keep from breaking out in a smile. Though, that did not help the blush only increasing per second, “yeah, yeah, I meant ‘little’ I just couldn’t really pronounce yesterday,” he looked at me expectantly so I continued, “I was… little last night,” at his blank stare I knew I would have to painstakingly have to explain further, “it’s a, um, well it’s a coping mechanism.”
He nodded slowly, still clearly more lost than our team is without Pidge at any given moment, “so you were coping last night? Being ‘little’ helped with the crying?” He was trying so so hard to understand and I couldn’t help but wish we were hugging again. His arms are so strong yet he holds me so gently. It’s safe in his embrace.
I had to keep my hands clenched to keep from sucking on my thumb.
But last night was a fluke, it’s not going to happen again. I’m lucky he didn’t just push me away for being so gross and weird. “Kinda? Like, it helped me feel my emotions, which made me cry more,” I don’t even know if I’m making sense, “but then when you came, it helped me ask for the comfort I needed,” oh quiznak I just admitted I needed comfort , “I mean, I was fine. Obviously.”
He rolled his eyes, “obviously you were completely fine crying on the couch alone.” I mumbled out an ‘exactly’ with no real determination behind it. “But what do you mean you feel little? You weren’t acting… like yourself?” He spoke carefully, like he was worried about offending me.
It took everything in me not to ask for another huggie.
I turned my eyes back down, staring at my lap, “well, it’s like, I mean you saw last night, it’s like I’m younger than I am?” I finally admitted the truth, “I feel younger at least, and it’s just easier like that, I guess.”
He took a moment to consider my words before saying, “that doesn’t sound like something to be ashamed of, if it helps.” Wait what? He doesn’t think it’s bad? Or weird? He didn’t say that but he at least isn’t ashamed of me or for me. How could he not think I’m insane? That I’m a disgusting mess? Well, he could still think that.
I couldn’t help but voice my concern, “don’t you think it’s disgusting? That last night was ick- I mean gross?” Don’t drop, don’t drop, don’t drop.
He shook his head, “everyone cries, Lance. And if you tell anyone I’ll put you in a black hole myself, but even I cry.” I couldn’t help but let out an overly dramatic gasp, in clear; totally not fake, shock. “Yeah I know, crazy right?” He chuckled, before he seemed to have thought of something. “Wait, if no one knows you like to be little, then what do you normally do when you feel like that?”
I chewed my lip, blush creeping up my face again, “cry,” I mumbled out pathetically.
He didn’t ask this time, instead pulling me into a gentle but firm hug. I let out a shaky breath, blinking back my tears. I can’t cry in front of him twice, especially not in less than twelve vargas. I sniffled quietly and he ran his hand up and down my back. “You shouldn’t cry alone,” he told me softly, “if you feel like that again you can come to me.”
I didn’t mean to tense, and when he tried to pull back I held on tighter. “Do you mean that? You could be a da- caregiver for me?” Even if he’s okay to try to be a caregiver that doesn’t mean he wants to be a Dada… He chuckled again, saying he doesn’t know what a caregiver is. “Right, right. It’s like a parent or babysitter to a little,” I explained. It’s so much easier to talk with him holding me in his arms. “Like you’ve been doing, cuddling, taking care of me, but also could be playing, making rules, that kinda stuff.” I really need to stop talking.
“Rules?” I could hear the smile in his voice, “that sounds like a talk for another time though.” Another time? He’s willing to talk about this more later? “But we really should get ready for the day. If we stay here any longer we risk someone seeing us,” he gave me a pat on the back before releasing me from his embrace. “I do want to talk to you further, you were actually kinda cute all little.”
I sputtered, face as scarlet as Red Lion. “Wha- did you just- oh quiznak- what?” I couldn’t even make a complete sentence, let alone try to stop him from leaving. How can he say something like that and then just leave?! I called out his name but the jerk didn’t even pause, just leaving me a blushing mess.