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I thought the world cruel when I first laid eyes on you.
The weight of my actions had just been ingested by the earth, the blood that I spilled was already absorbed into the same dirt you and I tread upon. The scent of iron lingered far longer than anyone could have been comfortable with, but it was too late to try and clean up now. With newly dissipated guilt and wary gazes, we challenged one another through the guise of teamwork. Alias after alias, ally after ally. Mere pawns for my entertainment- although, I presume that you were just as invested.
Despite this wretched form of amusement, it would be inaccurate to compare ourselves to puzzles laid out for one another. There was nothing to solve- I spent the first 17 years of my life becoming intimately familiar with the likes of you. We would be more akin to loose scraps of metal, hardened by a world of injustices but lost to a lifetime of impermanent and frivolous distractions.
You were difficult, even as my memories faded and my adoration resurfaced. I suppose I was too, but I felt the indignation was justified under such strict confines. I was still your main suspect and we both had a responsibility to carry out justice. That layer of resistance that covered our hearts was something neither of us could part with. It’s only purpose was to shroud our minds with doubt, whisper to us the horrific “what-ifs” that came with loving one another.
Perhaps things could have been different if you came to me just a bit earlier. I wouldn’t have turned you away- I couldn’t have. Not when you looked at me as if the whole world was made solely for us, a stage built to showcase the way we were gracelessly shoved together and promptly torn apart. I fondly recall the nights in which you would hold me, enveloping my entire being with gentle touches and skin softer than your ever-present pastries of choice.
When the haze of reality lifted, I became disillusioned with life, for it was incapable of giving me the same thing you did. Reverting to the well-polished shell I had maintained before you arrived was quite simple, just as everything else in this world was. Our games and our rules were things I once found solace in, and still I desire a setting in which we could be together for just a moment longer.
It was my fault, I know this all too well.
Fascinating, how I went years without acknowledging the resentment that brewed beneath the surface of my multitude of masks. As much as I know how we both cared for our world, I still abhor the extent to which I had to pretend for the sake of everyone else’s peace of mind. I am incapable of guilt after desensitizing myself to so much, for we both knew there was nothing more grievous than the boredom of an erroneous mind.
In truth, I had no reason to continue acting as I did. There was not an ounce of regret that was allowed to spill over until I found myself on my deathbed. Even as I sit here to reminisce about all that we were and dream of what we could have been, there is not another soul that knows me as you once did. I died alongside you that evening, and the days since then have passed me by in a monochrome blur.
We were brought together by frigid chains and severed by the cruelty harbored within my very essence. Countless sleepless nights I have wasted, running through everything we never had the chance to accomplish together. All the times I could have surprised you, or seen the sharp features of your face lift with the beginnings of a smile. I desired to spend eternity trying to make it up to you, but my time here is almost up. I will apologize properly when we are reunited (even though I fear it still would not be enough). See you soon, L.
-Light Yagami
P.S. I’m sorry I didn’t say it one last time, even if you already knew it to be true.