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Steve knows it's going to be a bad night. He’d tried burning off some energy on the punching bag in the gym, but even that hadn’t been enough to expel the growing dread he felt. As he unwrapped his hands, he felt the pit in his stomach growing heavier at the thought of going to bed upstairs. He knew he needed to go up soon or Tony would come looking for him. Jarvis had also not so subtly hinted at the fact that Tony was already in bed in their shared bedroom in the penthouse.
This feeling of anxiety and dread had crept up on him in the afternoon, when he’d realised that today was the 3rd of July. He’d spent his birthday last year in his sparse SHIELD issued apartment hiding under the bed, palms glued to his ears as fireworks burst outside. He’d accepted Tony’s offer of living at the tower the next day. He knew things were different now, that he wasn’t alone anymore. He had a team of people who supported him, who understood him and everything he had been through more than anyone else on Earth could. And, most importantly, he had Tony, his boyfriend of 6 months who was probably waiting for him in bed wondering why Steve was taking so long.
He quickly wiped the sweat off his face, had a sip of water and left the gym, requesting JARVIS to take the elevator to the penthouse. He contorted his face into a smile as the doors opened and made his way into their bedroom. Tony was lying in bed reading what looked like a quantum physics text book and his eyes lit up the moment he saw Steve. Steve was hit with such a rush of fondness that he temporarily forgot the ball of anxiety lodged in his stomach.
“Hey, you. I was wondering when you were coming up. Did you teach the punching bag a lesson?” Tony teased.
Steve smiled as he remembered entering the gym and seeing the face printed on the punching bag, a move that had had Tony written all over it.
“As amusing as it was to punch Nazis in the face again, what was that for?” Steve inquired.
“Made you laugh,” Tony shrugged.
“That it did,” Steve smiled. “I’m going to have a quick shower before I join you in bed,” Steve said as he took off his sweaty shirt. Tony wolf whistled at the sight and Steve felt his ears warm.
“Literally no one would believe my hot boyfriend will be 30 tomorrow,” Tony remarked, smirking.
Steve’s smile faltered at the reminder of what was in store of him.
“Hey, what’s wrong baby? Tony asked, warm brown eyes looking up worriedly at Steve.
“Nothing. Just tired. I’ll be quick,” he said as he rushed into the bathroom.
He stripped off the rest of his clothes and stepped into the hot water. He knew Tony would ask JARVIS to monitor the temperature and he smiled at the thought. It was comforting to know he had someone looking out for him. He felt the water draining some of the tension from his back and shoulders. He knew he was being ridiculous, but the thought of trying to sleep while he was on edge just seemed impossible. He’d tried tiring himself out in the hopes that it would help with falling asleep, but deep down he’d known that it wouldn’t work. Nothing worked on nights like this. The nightmares would come no matter what, it was just a question of which one it was going to be. Whether it would be about the ice or the war or the train- he quickly shook his head as if to shake off the thought. He knew that worrying about it was not going to help.
Maybe he was worried for nothing. Maybe he was going to have a perfectly peaceful night of deep calming sleep and wake up refreshed and excited on his birthday. But then he remembered the panic he had felt earlier in the evening when he’d gone out to a cafe to meet Sam for their monthly catch-up and fireworks had gone off. Apparently, the good people of New York were celebrating early, and Steve couldn't help but feel embarrassed at how badly the loud noise had startled him. The echoing booms had brought back the rush of terror and adrenaline of the war, where the balance between life and death could tip over any minute, so easily. He should have been over this by now. The war was long over; one noise should not be sending him back there.
Sam had vehemently disagreed with him on that, telling him repeatedly that that was not how PTSD worked. Steve smiled sheepishly and nodded at the reminder, but silently disagreed. Some days it was just easier to believe than others.
When he had spent as much time under the shower as he could before he knew Tony would come in, he towelled off and put on a pair of pyjama pants and his favourite sleep shirt. The shirt was white, with a cute robot drawing and Robots > Humans written underneath. It was well worn and repeated washes had made it threadbare and it even had a hole in it. Tony pretended to hate it and had multiple half-hearted threats to throw it away, but Steve knew he’d never go through with them, especially after Steve had told Tony that the shirt reminded Steve of him.
Steve quickly brushed his teeth and made his way out, slipping quietly under the covers. Tony closed the book he was reading and slipped down in bed, turning towards Steve as Jarvis turned off the lights.
“So did you get extra spicy noodles instead of the regular ones today?” Tony asked. Steve frowned, confused. “Did an old lady cross the street before you could offer to help her? Did you step in a puddle and get your socks wet”
“What?” Steve asked.
“Are you going to make me ask you increasingly dumb questions until you tell me what’s actually wrong?” Tony asked, his eyes glowing in the dim glow of the arc reactor.
Steve felt himself sag into the bed. “How do you know something’s wrong?”
“You mean aside from everything you’ve done since you came back that just screams something’s wrong? One look at your face tells me there’s something wrong even if you’re trying to hide it.”
“I’m fine,” he said and Tony let out a disbelieving scoff. “No, really. It was just a long day. Let’s just go to sleep. I’m sure I’ll feel better in the morning,” he continued, almost pleading. He didn’t know why he was being like this. A part of him was screaming at him to just tell Tony. He knew Tony would understand, but a small part of him was still embarrassed about what had happened and didn't want to talk about it. Preferably ever.
“Okay, I’m not going to force you to talk. Just know I’m here when you’re ready, okay?” Tony affirmed and Steve nodded. “Goodnight Steve,” Tony said and pecked Steve softly on the lips, closing his eyes and pulling the covers tightly over both of them.
Steve stared at Tony as his breathing gradually deepened and he fell asleep. He could not let himself close his eyes as he knew what would flash before them when he did. His eyelids grew heavier and the last thought he had before he was pulled into unconsciousness was how much of an asshole it would make him if he wished it would rain tomorrow.
Steve woke up with a gasp. He opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling, frozen in terror. His limbs were locked in place and it felt like it would take more strength than he had to even turn his head and check if Tony was beside him. He could feel himself shaking, tiny shivers wracking his body as he remembered the cold water rising in the plane. He’d taken one final gasp of air before it reached his face, only to be thrown back into reality, finally released from the clutches of the nightmare.
On the worst nights, it was always the ice he dreamed about. The nightmare had started off with gunfire, screaming and blood, but that had still been less terrifying than the crash. This time, Tony had been with him on the plane as it went down. His breathing picked up as the images flashed before his eyes. He knew it was irrational and that Tony was probably sleeping soundly next to him but he was too scared to check because what if he wasn’t? What if he was missing or hurt or- the thought was just unbearable. Not looking was better. At least then there was the possibility that he was safe right next to him.
Schrodinger’s Tony, he thought to himself, letting out an almost hysterical half sob.
“Hey, hey, hey! Baby, what’s wrong?” he heard Tony ask as the lights in the room turned on.
Steve heard the sheets rustle and Tony’s face came into view as he leaned over Steve, cupping his face in his calloused palms.The sight of Tony, safe and unharmed filled him with such relief as he just stared at him for a minute to make sure Tony was really there.
“Shh, whatever it is, it's going to be fine, okay Steve? It's all going to be just fine,” he soothed as he rubbed Steve’s arms in order to stop the shivering. Steve knew that Tony knew the shivers were psychosomatic given the temperature controlled room, but the gesture still made warmth bloom in his heart.
He finally locked eyes with Tony and felt some of the pressure around his heart lessen. “Sorry, I just - there was a plane - the plane, I mean, and it was just so much worse than usual because you were in it and I just -”
“Hey, look at me. I’m here. I’m safe. And so are you. I won’t let anything bad happen to you, Steve,” Tony said. The declaration was almost laughable considering the profession they were in, but he knew Tony meant it. He could almost hear the echo of Ma and Bucky in the promise and the thought made him smile.
“What, you don’t believe me? I have a genius brain, a suit of armour and a Hulk. I mean even one of them is amazing, but all 3 together? That’s a lethal combination right there, Steven,” he said as he snuggled up to Steve.
“I don’t think Bruce would appreciate being included in your list.”
“Yeah yeah, Dr Banner is an independent scientist who doesn't belong to anyone. You know what I mean. Hulk loves me. I’m sure in a time of crisis he would listen to me.”
“Of course he would,” Steve assured him.
“Is that doubt I hear in your tone, Mr Rogers?” Tony teased and Steve glanced at him.
“How are you always so warm?” Steve asked, looking at the gentle brown eyes looking at him with such gentleness and understanding.
“I mean, I personally prefer to be called hot, but I guess I’ll take what I can get,” Tony sighed and Steve laughed. Tony had always been able to make him laugh and smile when it seemed like he had forgotten how to.
“I almost had a full blown panic attack in the cafe I met Sam in toda- well yesterday now” Steve confessed after a minute of silence. He felt Tony lightly squeeze his hand in support . “People were setting off some early fireworks and the noise - it just, for a second I was back there. It felt so real. I could almost smell the blood. Oh God, it was so embarrassing. It took me some time to come back to myself. I probably really scared Sam.”
“Yeah, he texted me to ask me to keep an eye on you but he didn't give me any details,” Tony replied gently.
“You talk to Sam?” Steve asked, surprised.
“Not regularly. It’s not like we have some kind of regular gossip sessions. We just both care about the same thing so we sometimes communicate textually,” Tony replied.
“Oh yeah, I forgot Sam is on the Avengers roster now,” Steve realised.
“I’m not talking about the Avengers, you idiot. I’m talking about you. We both have a vested interest in keeping you happy,” Tony clarified.
“Oh God Tony you didn't see me today. It was just - it was bad. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like all the air had been sucked out of the world. It just felt so damn real. I can never go back to that cafe again. Captain America reduced to a gasping mess because of some stupid fireworks.”
“First of all, Steve, there’s literally nothing to be embarrassed about, not the panic attack or the nightmares. I wake you up at least once a fortnight with mine. And I know this is very pot-kettle, but Steve, nothing about this will make anyone feel less about you. All of us in this team have been through some fucked up shit. Hell, we could probably keep the therapists in business for years with just the issues we have between the six of us. Sure, maybe we’ll never truly know what you have been through, but we understand. Next time, please just tell me if something like this happens or if you’re feeling shitty for no reason. I can’t promise I can fix all the problems,but I’ll sure as hell try, and for the ones I can't, I’ll be there.”
Steve doesn't know what to say as he absorbs Tony’s words. In the end, he settles for a simple “I love you”.
“Ugh, you’re such a sap, Rogers,” Tony said and Steve snorted. “So what do you want to do? Do you want to watch some cooking show or go out to that all-hours diner and get some milkshakes? I’m sure they’ll have some atrocious red white and blue one called the ‘Freedom Shake’ for your patriotic ass.
“Hey, you love my ass,” Steve replied with a mock affront.
“I will admit, it is a particularly great ass. But anyway, that's not the point, Steven. Quit distracting me. What do you want to do? Cooking shows you’re weirdly invested in or milkshakes? We could even go on your bike just this once,” Tony suggested.
“Will you sing to me?” Steve asked. He absolutely loved listening to Tony sing. Tony, however, hated how he sounded when he sang and refused to even hum in public. It had been a few months into their relationship when Steve had heard Tony sing in the shower and Steve had considered it a huge sign of trust.
“That wasn’t even an option. Way to ask for something completely off-menu, Steve,” Tony complained.
“I love hearing you sing,” Steve replied, shrugging.
“Yeah, you and literally no one else.”
“Tooony,” Steve whined.
“Okay okay, fine. Stop whining. It's unbecoming of your advanced age.”
“Then just sing,” Steve said.
“Wow, you’ve gotten really demanding in your thirties, Steve. What do you want to listen to?” Tony asked.
“Anything,” Steve answered as he turned on his side to be the little spoon,Tony draping an arm over his stomach.
“Thanks for narrowing it down to approximately every song ever written,” Tony said and Steve could hear the eye-roll.
Steve closed his eyes as he waited, already knowing which song Tony would sing. It was an Italian lullaby Maria had sung for him when he was baby. No matter how much Tony pretended to hate singing, he always sang this song for Steve when he woke up from nightmares.
Tony began to sing, his husky voice tinged with sleep, and Steve found the stone in his stomach finally dissolving and leaving nothing but contentment in its place. Tony’s fingers lightly stroked his hair and Steve felt himself melt into the touch. As the final notes of Tony’s song echoed in his ears, Steve realised that his dread for tomorrow had been replaced with a feeling of excitement. He knew now that everything would be okay, as it always was when Tony was with him.
“Happy birthday to America’s ass,” Tony whispered in his ear as he pinched Steve’s butt and Steve drifted off with a smile on his face. It was going to be a good day.