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They are sitting in one of their new favorite places to decompress after a long day of working or just when they needed to have a good chat, partner to partner, friend to friend.
The bar was cozy, and it already held some of Jay’s favorite memories from past visits with Hailey—his birthday celebration with just the two of them, Hailey’s four-year anniversary of joining Intelligence, a place they went when they did not want to be interrupted by their other friends.
A place that was special to just them.
Jay could not help but think that she looked particularly beautiful tonight sitting across from him in the low-lit bar, the Christmas lights shining through the window highlighting her features.
She was not dressed fancy, in her usual winter outfit of a button-down and skinny jeans with her sturdy snow boots, but the way her eyes sparkled merrily as she laughed, her smile lighting up the room in a way he has not seen from her in far too long makes him marvel at how effortless her beauty truly was.
She is laughing at him with that big smile of hers as he jokingly brings up the reason why they came here tonight trying to mask the nerves he was feeling.
He listens to her tell him about her job offer with a sinking stomach, desperately trying to act calm and collected instead of revealing the panic that was currently raging inside of his chest.
He pays the check, his heart beating wildly with relief because she just told him she was staying.
He is looking at her now and they are talking about losing and gaining and he cannot figure out if they are talking about them or something else entirely. His gut says them, and he is waiting with bated breath for Hailey to say whatever he knows she wants to say but then she does not, and he is watching her walk out of the bar.
An hour ago, this was his favorite bar because of the memories with Hailey it held.
Now, he is pretty sure he will only remember this place as the one where he let the girl get away.
*
He notices the way she quickly glances at him before she accepts the small piece of paper that was being handed to her.
They had run by the courthouse to hurry along a warrant and now he is waiting on Hailey to catch up with him because she had been stopped by the judge.
He was new and around their age.
He was also nice, charming and good-looking and he was starting to rub Jay the wrong way.
Over the past several months when Intelligence needed a warrant it was somehow always signed by this guy. When he and Hailey needed to come to the courthouse for whatever reason, they always happened to bump into him.
Jay frowned when Hailey chuckled in response of whatever was called after her as she started to make her way back across the lobby towards him.
He gives her a look when she falls into step next to him and she glances at him, staying quiet until they are back in the truck on their way to the district.
Jay cannot stand it anymore. He adjusts his grip on the steering wheel, “So, what was that all about?”
Hailey glances at him again and it reminds him of the way she looked at him before she told him about her FBI offer not even a month ago.
“Uh, he gave me his number,” She was looking everywhere but him and Jay did his best to control his emotions.
It fell quiet again and Jay did not like the awkwardness that seemed to descend upon them.
It had never been awkward with her before, and he does not like the idea of it happening now.
He clears his throat, keeping his eyes on the road, “Did he ask you out?”
She gives a curt nod, still fidgeting entirely too much with the radio in her hands, “Yes.”
“What did you say?” He dreads the answer.
“I said yes,” It was barely a whisper and when he looks over at her, she is already looking at him, her eyes telling him she was tired of waiting on him to make a move.
He quickly looks away again, closing his eyes hard for a brief moment before whipping into the roll-up and swinging into his parking spot.
“He has me to answer to if he doesn’t treat you the way you deserve.”
Jay is out of the truck without a second glance, slamming his door shut and rapidly wiping away the tears that were gathering in his eyes.
*
Hailey starts to date the judge and by all rights, the guy is perfect.
He has a well-paying job, he is good looking and he has a great personality.
Jay tries to find faults in him, but he cannot. He wanted to hate him, but when Jay first met him, he had received a hearty handshake and a heartfelt thank you for watching Hailey’s back.
As much as he wanted to, he could not hate him. Apparently when Hailey had told her new boyfriend how close she was with her male partner, he was more than understanding of their relationship and would not be put out from the time they spent time together.
How could he hate someone who respected the time Hailey spent with him, another guy who already spent her whole workday with.
So, Jay decides to hate the way her name clashes with his. Mike and Hailey. Hailey and Mike. They do not go together at all.
Not like his name fit with hers. Jay and Hailey—Detectives Halstead and Upton. Hailey and Jay—Detectives, partners, best friends; nothing more.
But then maybe he hates the way they fit even more because all it does is remind him of something they should have had but for some reason never did.
He thinks that they were meant to be together, but then he thinks that if it has not happened by now then maybe it was never meant to be.
*
“Hailey, are you sure you’re okay?”
Jay is standing, facing her with his arms crossed and a worried brow.
She sighs, “Yes, Jay, for the thousandth time, I am fine. It’s barely even a scratch.”
He lets out a disbelieving scoff and approaches the bed where she is sitting with her legs folded underneath her. She tries not to gasp when he gently touches the side of her face, turning it slightly to inspect the long gash running across her forehead and to the top of her ear.
“You’re not fine, Hailey. You could have died,” His voice cracks and he sounds like a desperate man, pleading and scared.
It is his tears that makes hers start to well up and she tentatively wraps her fingers around the wrist of the hand that was now borderline caressing her cheek.
She looks earnestly, desperately into his glossy green eyes, “But I didn’t because you saved me.”
He is standing very close to her, and she can feel his breath ghosting over her face as he looks down at her, his large hand holding the side of her face as they stare into each other’s eyes. She swears he glances down at her lips.
Her heart is beating erratically inside her chest, waiting for him to close the distance between them but then the curtain is thrown back and Jay moves faster than she thinks she has ever seen.
It is Mike and Hailey instantly feels bad at the way she is disappointed to see him. At the way she wishes he had not come, but he is her boyfriend, and he has every right to be there with her because she knows he loves her.
Mike’s hand is now where Jay’s was just seconds ago, and it does not feel nearly as comforting and good and right as Jay’s did, but she is not supposed to have those feelings anymore, so she tries to ignore them and leans into Mike.
“Oh my God, Hailey,” He breaths out in concern, “Are you all right? The nurse called me and told me you got hurt on the job.”
She tries to give him a convincing smile.
She is not all right but she cannot tell him that because it has nothing to do with gash on her head.
Hailey reaches out and touches his chest, “I’m fine. Jay was watching my back.”
Mike seems to realize that they are not alone and turns to face Jay, reaching out a sincere hand, “Thank you for protecting her.”
Jay shakes his head and takes Mike’s hand, trying to swallow the lump in his throat, “You don’t have to thank me. It’s my job.”
He glances at Hailey so quick that only she notices it and she gets what he is saying. He never wants the thanks because it is just a given for him. He will always protect her or die trying and nothing will ever change that.
He flashes a smile at Mike who is none the wiser of what he just told Hailey with his eyes and excuses himself, quickly slipping out of the sliding glass door as he lets the tears fall.
*
It is dark in the corner of Molly’s he had retreated to away from all the commotion that was happening around the bar.
He watches Hailey beam at her girlfriends who were trying to get a closer look at her displayed left hand, and he slinks back farther in his chair, picking at the label of his untouched beer.
He always had a hard time drinking without Hailey and she was busy right now.
Adam, Kevin and Voight are patting Mike on the back in a congratulatory manner and while Jay knows it is irrational, he feels somewhat betrayed by his closest friends.
He wishes that they were clapping him on the back in congratulations instead and that he was in the center of attention along with Hailey, but he forces himself to recognize that it is his fault that things are unfolding this way.
He’d had chances but he never thought Hailey would actually settle down with this man he despised for the sole reason that he was not him.
Jay fully recognized he was a fool for thinking he did not have to work for her. He knew he was a fool for thinking she would eventually break-up with Mike, and he would be waiting for her and then they would live happily ever after like some damn fairy tale romance.
He knew better than that.
Picking at the fraying label again, Jay sees Hailey flash around the diamond on her finger and he cannot help but think of the ring that he bought on a whim after seeing it in a local storefront.
He had randomly seen it one day and thought that if he were ever to propose to someone, he wanted it to be with that ring.
He had seen it and he had immediately thought of Hailey.
He does not know why he bought it, but he did, and he now knows that it will never be given to the person it was intended for.
The ring flashes and Jay thinks his ring would look better on her finger.
Hailey beams and Jay thinks her smile is not as bright as it used to be.
He takes a sip of his now lukewarm beer and Jay thinks he should probably get used to drinking without Hailey.
*
“Come in.”
He opens the door and cannot help but gasp.
She looks beautiful.
Her hair pinned out of her face, blonde curls cascading down her back, a veil clipped in place with a sparkling barrette. Her dress is elegant but simple and it fit Hailey perfectly.
She is standing in front of a tall full-length mirror, admiring her reflection when she turns to softly smile at him, “What’re you doing in here?”
He notices Kim crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes as she stands off to the side getting herself ready, “No boys allowed.”
He has to tear his gaze away from Hailey to glance at her, “Yeah, well, I had to come see my best friend before she became a married woman.”
Kim’s eyes soften and Hailey looks over at her, gently nodding towards the door, “Could you give us a few minutes?”
“Of course,” She gives them both a look like she knows they are about to close a chapter that they never got right before she disappears out the door.
Jay clears his throat, “You look absolutely stunning, Hailey.”
Her cheeks flush and she gives him a once over, picking up the skirt of her dress to approach him, stopping only a few inches in front of him. Reaching out, she quickly straightens his bowtie and takes a step back, cocking her head with an affectionate smile, “And you look very handsome.”
She meets his eyes, blue on green and he cannot help but just stare because after this, she is Mike’s forever and always and it would not be right to stare at her like he wants her.
Somehow, he does not think that her being married will stop him from wanting her, but he will try.
He is drinking her in like this is the last time he is seeing her and in a way it is. This is the last time where he can look at her with the hope of someday being more.
There are so many things left unsaid and he can see his own anguish reflecting back at him; hopes and promises and dreams swimming in her eyes, fading away with each passing second. A future that could have been theirs and will now only stay alive in quiet imaginings and forbidden dreams.
He could tell her. Right here and right now. That he loved her. That they could work. That he never wants to be without her, but it was her wedding day, and he could not do that to her.
He was too late, and it would not be fair for him to beg for her now when she had already given him every opportunity.
So, he accepted the gentle kiss she bestowed on his cheek, and he looked back into her watery eyes, heartbroken and sad.
They stared into each other’s eyes and a thousand memories of laughing and crying and comfortable silences and shared looks flooded in like a painful smile because he was the guest, and she was the bride.
*
The first time they rolled up to a crime scene after she and Mike tied the knot was one that would stay with him but not because the case they’d caught was gruesome or personal.
It was because of her.
She looked the same. She talked the same. She had that same bright smile and brilliant sparkle in her eye, but it was different now.
She was a married woman and the person that came back from her honeymoon was a slightly different person than he knew—a person he would never get to know because only her husband was privy to the person she was behind closed doors.
And he was not her husband and that crushed him almost to the point of not being able to function.
Jay never knew he could grieve so much for a person who was still by his side every day.
He tries to ignore the simple wedding band she wore now and thinks if he could just pretend she wasn’t married then their days would be no different. He could still have that intimate partnership with her and maybe he could imagine for a little while that they were just perpetually on the precipice of something more even though he knew nothing could ever happen now.
But then they were there, at the first crime scene where he was Jay, the single partner and she was Hailey, the married one.
Nodding at the patrol officer, he introduced himself, “Detective Halstead,” he then gestured to Hailey, “This is Detective Upton.”
She glanced at him, and he shook his head. Right, not Detective Upton.
“I mean Detective Martin.”
He curses himself and tries not to look too sick at the now constant reminder she was not and never will be his as he watched his newly married partner, Hailey Anne Martin walk off with the patrol officer.
He could not help but think his own last name sounded much better with hers than Mike’s did.
Jay forces himself to follow them with the sounds of Hailey Anne Halstead echoing in the back of his mind—taunting him, reminding him of the future he had just lost for good.
*
Almost a year later, when Hailey disappeared into Voight’s office looking a little unsure and maybe even a little sad, he was scared he was about to lose the only thing keeping them together now.
But when she announced her pregnancy a few weeks later, the subtle shifts in her behavior suddenly made sense, his heart dropping to his feet. He put on a smile for her, but it was hard when her smile held that same sadness and regret it had on her wedding day.
If the dreams haunting him for weeks after that were of little feet and giggling faces that had her features mixed in with his, well.
He would never admit it.
*
“Hi.”
She looks up, a dulled sparkle in her eye, “Hey.”
He nods to the bundle in her arms, afraid to get too close and see the baby that looks nothing like him and a lot like Mike, “What’s his name?”
She smiles, happy but there is still something in her expression that is achingly sad, “Meet Jay Robert Martin.”
He blinks. An odd lump forming in his throat, “Really?”
She chuckles a little at that and nods her head, “Yes, really.”
He blinks again, “Why?”
She shrugs, “Because you’ve saved my life more times than I can count and I—"
She hesitates. She was going to say it, he could see it in her eyes, but she settles for the phrase, “And because I care a lot about you” instead.
She named the baby after him. He is honored, but inside he is devastated because that could have been his son in her arms bearing his name.
Instead of being called daddy, he would be called Uncle much like the rest of the unit and if that did not break his heart more than it was already broken.
He is happy for her, truly, but he knows that some part of him is always going to see the life where he is Hailey’s husband and the father of her children.
And sometimes he cannot help but think Hailey sees that too.
*
She’s there.
Standing in the back, smiling at him and he wishes that she were standing next to him, but that was not her place, and it had not really ever been hers regardless of how much he wished it.
He shakes Voight’s hand and then turns to shake the Superintendent’s outstretched grip, graciously accepting the round of applause from the audience, blushing at his teammates hoots and hollers.
He walks off the stage and is vaguely aware of the congratulations and hearty slaps he was receiving. He responds with the proper amount of enthusiasm, but his eyes are always looking at her.
Excusing himself, he leaves the group, missing the way they all exchange a melancholy look of understanding. One they have exchanged many times before.
He approaches her and he notices the way her smile does not fully reach her eyes and he is always wondering if she also imagines a universe in which they are all there together and happy and one big family.
“Sergeant Jay Halstead,” She hums out, her smile growing into a warm smirk, “I have to admit, it has a nice ring to it.”
She is loving and affectionate and she is looking at him with all the feelings she is not supposed to have, and he can feel his throat closing up.
He forces out a quick grin, “Thanks.”
She is still looking at him, her eyes holding everything she cannot say aloud, and Jay tries to come up with something to say because he cannot take her looking at him like this. Not today. Not right now.
Not ever, really.
“I uh, I thought you weren’t going to make it,” He furrows his brows, “Didn’t Robby have a game tonight?”
Hailey shakes her head, her smile turning a little sadder, “I wasn’t about to miss my partner getting a promotion.”
She looks away for a brief second before looking back at him and Jay thinks he can see the glisten of tears in her eyes, “Although I guess you’re my Sergeant now, not my partner anymore.”
Tears sting his own eyes and his heart squeezes tight in his chest.
She is right.
They are not partners anymore. He just got a promotion; Intelligence is his and now he is her sergeant.
He should be excited but he’s not. He’s mourning the loss of the only thing that’s keeping them together now and it hurts so bad because he is losing her.
He is always losing her with each day that passes.
*
“She’s beautiful, Mike.”
The other man grins, “Yeah, we like her all right.”
Jay smiles but his heart is not in it.
Like always, he is touched that Hailey includes him in her big life events and like always, he is truly happy for her, but it also serves as a painful reminder of the life he wanted to have with her.
He is grateful to be in Hailey’s life at all and he would not give up the relationship they have now for anything, but he also thinks that it is some kind of cruel punishment that he is constantly forced to watch her love and grow a family with a man that is not him.
“And did you see those dimples?” Mike has a dreamy look on his face and his eyes shone proudly, “Perfect just like her mother’s.”
Yes, Jay thinks, perfect just like Hailey.
He clears his throat, tired of the way he always seems to tear up while he is with Hailey and her family because everything reminds him of the deep regrets he has been carrying around for years now.
“I like the name Annie,” He says trying to keep the conversation flowing so they do not lapse into an uncomfortable silence like they are prone to do.
He has never been close to Hailey’s husband and Jay knows this is because he is in love with the man’s wife. On some level, Jay thinks that Mike is aware of this and that is why neither of them have ever tried.
In any case, Jay does not think he could ever really be friends with anyone who is married to the girl he loves.
Mike shifts his weight to lean against the banister making the old porch creak slightly, “It was my great-grandmother’s name. We also liked it because it is similar to Hailey’s middle name.”
Jay nods absentmindedly and thinks about how lucky that little girl is to have Hailey as a mom. He always thought she would make a great mother regardless of who fathered the children, and he was right.
If he were to ever have children, he would only want Hailey as their mother and that is how he knows he will never have children.
“It means a lot to Hailey that you are here tonight,” Mike breaks the silence and Jay glances at him from his place sitting on their porch steps.
“I wouldn’t miss it,” He manages a sincere smile because he is telling the truth.
He would not miss welcoming Hailey’s daughter into the world even if it did hurt.
“She loves you, you know.”
Jay feels his heart stop in his chest and his mouth dry up, “What?” It came out garbled and he is looking at Mike like he just grew antlers.
Mike’s eyes meet his and Jay is shocked to see the depth of knowledge in the other man’s gaze.
He cannot help think that perhaps he was not as subtle as he thought he was regarding his feelings for Hailey.
“And I know you love her so I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”
He cannot come up with a proper response.
Or any type of response really because he is still gaping speechless at Mike who is now staring off into the night sky.
“We’re just partners,” The statement falls off his lips in a conditioned response.
It is the words he always used to describe his and Hailey’s relationship back when friends and family gave him knowing looks and teasing smiles. He has not had anyone question his feelings for Hailey in a long time and he feels slightly panicked that it is happening now and by her husband no less.
Mike shakes his head, scoffing lightly as he looks back into the night sky, “I don’t think you two were ever just partners. I’ve known that from the very beginning, but I liked Hailey and I wanted to be with her as long as she would stay with me.”
Jay blinks and he does not know what to say or how to react. He does not know where this is going, and he does not like not knowing.
“I know a part of her will always love you, but I love her enough to be with her on any terms even if that means not having her whole heart,” Mike sighs, pausing for a brief second, “I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t hurt at times, but I know how lucky I am that I even got her at all.”
Jay just stares at him, finally managing to get out a “Why?”
Why is he telling him this? Why now?
Mike seems to understand what he is asking, and he turns to face him, “She doesn’t say anything about it obviously, but I know it’s getting harder and harder for her to see you; to work with you every day.”
Jay definitely does not like where this is going.
Mike looks directly in his eyes and there is a hard edge there that he has never seen from the man before, “I know she has more than enough experience to make Sergeant, but she doesn’t want to take the test because she thinks you need her. You are holding her back, Jay, and I think it is time that you let her make a life for herself outside of Intelligence.”
All he can do is stare at the man. He wants to rail and shout and tell him that he cannot dictate what Hailey does with her life or tell him what to do but some part of him deep down knows that Mike is right.
Maybe it is time to let her go but it is so hard because he is not ready to give her up.
And it hurts too. God, it hurts so bad, and he thinks that it will always hurt because he knows what he and Hailey had was real and true, but their timing was just always off.
His heart is breaking because even though he is not with Hailey in the way he wants, she is still the best thing in his life and the thought of giving that up makes him physically sick.
He is aware of Mike moving towards the front door. He pauses and looks over his shoulder.
“Goodnight, Jay.”
He is left on the porch, and he can hear little giggles from inside the house. Hailey is laughing and there is a squeal of ‘daddy’, and he imagines Mike is swinging Robby up into the air.
It is too painful, and he thinks it will only get more painful as time goes by.
*
There are bright flashes and enthusiastic applause as he waits to shake her hand after the superintendent.
She turns to him. He is smiling at her but there are tears in his eyes. She is carrying herself proudly but there is anguish written all over her face.
They are both torn. He wants her to succeed in everything, but he does not want to lose her. She wants to advance her career, but she does not want to leave him.
They stood there, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything.
The world spins obliviously around them as they become strangers who share long lost memories and quick smiles every once in a while.
*
It is a peaceful night out, the air humid and warm and it feels like the perfect summer night. The sun has almost disappeared over the horizon, a soft glow painting the trees and the houses along the street.
He is sitting alone on the porch steps listening to the chaos that is happening through the screen door and when he hears it swing open, he does not need to turn to see who it is because he already knows.
She sits down beside him, leaving a few feet of space in between them and does not say anything, just stares into the dusky night.
“I can’t believe Annie’s already thirteen.”
Jay glances at her before clasping his hands over his knees, nodding thoughtfully, “It seems like just yesterday she was born.”
Hailey scoffs, “Tell me about it. I don’t feel old enough to have two teenagers.”
He looks back over at her. She is still staring off into nothing in particular and Jay cannot help but notice once again just how beautiful she is. Her hair is still golden blonde, and her complexion looks as young as ever, the laugh lines around her eyes only making her seem more youthful.
“You certainly don’t look it,” It just slips out and he cannot help the way his stomach flutters when he sees her cheeks flush like they used to when he flirted with her in the truck over fifteen years ago before Hailey was a wife and a mother and nothing more than his friend and partner.
They fall silent again, each watching the night become dark as they listen to the happy teenage squeals that are coming from within the house.
“Do you regret it?” She says suddenly and he glances at her, her gaze still far away.
He sucks in a breath, “What?’
She shrugs, “I don’t know,” She shakes her head, “Everything?”
He is quiet for a long moment, and he does not have to ask to know what she means.
Hailey is about to tell him to just forget it, that it was a silly question but then he opens his mouth, and she shuts hers, the tears already starting to prick her eyes as the feelings that have never dulled over the years come to the surface.
“Just because things didn’t happen between us the way that we maybe wanted doesn’t mean that you aren’t the best thing that has ever happened to me. Because you were.”
It is the closest they have ever gotten to talking about this thing that has been between them from almost the very beginning and Hailey suddenly feels transported to a day in the past when she thought one of their moments was about to turn into something more and change her life forever.
But then she remembers she is married and has two children, and she cannot have a life with Jay.
She blinks, “Yeah,” She looks at him with glistening eyes, “You were for me too.”
*
The church is packed with people in uniform and Jay is once again awed at Hank Voight’s reach within the city. The damn mayor was even there.
He is serving as a pallbearer along with Kevin, Kim, Adam and of course, Hailey. It is fitting that they are the ones chosen to do this because they were the ones chosen by the man himself to be in his unit and they are the ones who lasted the longest.
Jay would wager a bet that they were all more like family to Voight than he would have ever admitted, and he thinks that they all know that deep in their hearts so that is why they are doing this—to give their sergeant one last send off.
To say thank you for bringing them together and creating this family that they never would have had if it had not been for him.
“Jay,” Kevin taps his upper arm to get his attention, nodding towards the double doors in the back of the church and that is when he sees her.
She is dressed nearly identical to him, give or take a few medals and even though he would not call the CPD uniform blues highly fashionable, Hailey wears it like she has just stepped off a magazine cover.
Her eyes find his and she gives him a sad little smile like she knows that this is yet another chapter of their past closing. With each ending, the memories and the laughter and the comfortable silences are drifting away and truly becoming a thing of the past.
In a way, it almost feels like a whole lifetime ago.
She is in front of him now and they say nothing because their eyes say all they need to know. Sighing, he glances down at the floor with a heaviness he has not felt in a long time before he looks up and draws her into a hug.
He does not remember the last time he hugged her. He thinks maybe it was after she had Annie, but he tries to refrain from any physical contact with her because he is always left with wanting more.
Today, he knows they both need it, so he gives in and squeezes her tight.
The Intelligence unit they know is slowly starting to die and it hurts more than words could say.
It might sound dramatic, but it almost feels like the end of an era.
*
Cork and Kerry had not changed much over the years.
It was somewhat of a comfort to see some things stayed the same, but mostly, it felt like his heart was in a vice because when he looked around, he was brought right back to the moment when Hailey was telling him about her FBI offer and he was watching her walk out the door and away from a life that should have been there’s.
He sees her sitting there, her jacket thrown over the back of her seat like it had been all those years ago and even though she is clearly much older, all he can see is her bright smile and sparkling blue eyes.
“Jay,” She says it softly and he cannot help but return the gentle smile she is giving him, “You made it.”
He sits down, “Like I would ever miss this. Besides, what else is there to do?”
She smirks, “Jay Halstead getting a little bored in his retirement and old age?”
Rolling his eyes, he gives her a knowing look, “You know I never could handle not being on the job without getting restless.”
“Jay,” She lets out a little laugh, “It’s been twelve years.”
“Exactly,” He stresses, and she just shakes her head.
“You seriously need a hobby or something other than sitting around with an itchy trigger finger,” She is teasing him but there is also a hint of concern in her voice, and he knows she worries that he is lonely.
He is lonely but it is his own fault because the only person he would want to spend any time with is her and even though they both grew old, they did not do it together, so he has no wife, and he has no children.
He offers a smile and tries not to look as sad as he feels, “I did clean out my attic recently,” He reaches inside his pocket and pulls out a well-worn photograph, “And actually, I found this. I thought you might want to see it.”
He slides it across the table, and she reaches for it. He watches as she studies the picture, a melancholy look coming over her face as she gently touches the picture, whispering almost to herself, “We were so young.”
It is a picture of the whole team after what he is pretty sure was a successful raid but what draws him to the picture is the way that Hailey is leaning on him. She has her head on his chest and the grins on their faces tell him that someone probably cracked a joke as the photo was being taken.
They look happy and if you look closely, one would almost believe that he and Hailey were an item at the time but he knows that they were not.
They were almost a lot of things, and he thinks almost is one of the saddest words in the English language.
He almost kissed her. She almost told him how she felt. They were almost together.
Almost but not quite.
He looks at the picture and he wants to pretend that they are still living in that moment because even if it was only for a heartbeat, everything was perfect.
Hailey lets out a little huff, a hint of wonder in her voice, “Look at us. So full of life.”
Jay lets out a little hum of acknowledgement and Hailey looks up at him, her eyes earnest and shining with memories of a life long ago.
“Those truly were the best years, weren’t they?” She says it so reverently and it makes a lump form in his throat because while they saw hard things and went through tough times, he would go back to that point in time in an instant.
Now when he knows how important people are and how precious time is. And even if you scream and argue and fight, family is everything and you should never take anything for granted.
Now when he knows love is worth fighting for even if you are scared.
God, if he could go back, he would fight for Hailey till his very last breath and never give up no matter the outcome.
“Yeah,” He clears his throat, “Yeah, they were.”
A corner of Hailey’s screws up in some kind of half-smile and he thinks she is trying not to cry.
She shakes her head, still lost in the picture, “I’ve done a lot in my life, but this—Intelligence,” She trails off, lost in thought and gives the picture one last swipe of her thumb before passing it back to Jay.
“We were a good team,” She smiles at him, and he can see all the memories playing in her eyes.
He nods, sliding the picture back into his wallet, “Me, you, Kev, Adam, Kim, Voight—We were the best,” He gives her a gentle smile, “You made us the best.”
Hailey cocks her head, a perplexed look on her face, “What do you mean?”
“Don’t get me wrong, Intelligence was always a good unit but,” He shakes his head, “I don’t think we really became a team until after you walked in that bank. You made all of us better which made the unit better.”
He pauses before softly admitting, “You made me better.”
There are tears in her eyes, but she does not say anything. He takes a deep breath, glancing away for a second before looking back at her.
“You ever think about timing?” He does not give her a chance to answer and powers through before he loses the nerve to be honest with his feelings for her, “Time, fate, whatever dictates how and when things fall into place. It’s all so very delicate and fragile—when you think that just one slight change or difference could have set your life on a completely different path.”
Jay fidgets with the beer label and looks up at her through his eyelashes, “Today, forty-seven years ago you walked into a bank, and you saved my life. Now we are sitting here having beers and you are my best friend. Have been for forty-seven years.”
He turns to look out of the window, deep in thought, “Do you ever wonder what would have happened if we met later or earlier or not at all?”
Do you ever wonder that we met before we were supposed too? Or maybe we didn’t meet early enough?
Were we ever supposed to meet?
Those are the questions he is really asking, but then he dismisses the last question that crossed his mind because he knows that they were always supposed to meet.
He is better because of her.
He is not married, and he does not have children, but his life was full nonetheless because of her, and he would not trade that for anything.
“Timing really is everything, isn’t it?” She speaks softly, and he knows what they are each really saying just like all those years ago in this same bar when they were talking in vague metaphors about gaining and losing.
They had the chemistry. They had the love. They had the whole damn universe, but the timing was always off.
They were a perfect fit, he and Hailey, there was just too much going on for them to see it until it was too late and then they were too afraid to do anything about it.
Hailey looks at him and he looks at her and it seems like they are looking at each other for the first time in years. And just like back then, there is so much love in their glance. And yet somehow the timing is still not right—she is still married, and he is not the kind of man to break up a marriage no matter how much he loves her.
And it seems that this is how it will always be for the two of them—like thunder and lightning—their timing would always be a little bit off.
*
He is sitting in the back alone. No one has noticed him which is fine because he does not want to talk.
He pulled out his old uniform for this and he feels strange wearing it after all this time, but it was the very least she deserved.
It does not seem real. She was always so strong, her voice always a phone call away and he did not want it to be real.
He watches as her family sniffles at the front of the church, each taking turns looking into the casket to say goodbye and he cannot bring himself to go up there. He does not want to see her laying there lifeless because in his mind, in his memory, Hailey was anything but and he does not want to mar those images.
Besides, Hailey’s family is up there and while he knows they love her, he cannot help but think of the family that should be up there.
The family that was forged through tough cases, long nights, emotionally charged moments, blood, sweat and tears.
Because that’s the family that really knew her. They knew what ticked her off, what rubbed her the wrong way and how to make her smile when she was tried and worn-thin.
He’d known.
They had seen her at her weakest, at her most fierce, and the way she fought like a bat out of hell when she needed to.
He’d seen.
But his place is not up there with her children and grandchildren and her husband. It is here in the back where he can remember the person she was to him, to her unit, to her community because he is the only person left that will ever really know.
He sits and he grieves for her, and he grieves for the life that he wanted. The life that they could have had had the universe not gotten in the way one too many times and had they not been so scared to take that leap.
He wants to go tell every young boy that loved a girl, yell it till he was blue in the face that it was never too complicated or too hard or the ‘wrong timing’. Not if the love was real. It was worth the fight, always.
Quietly, he slips from the shadows and slowly makes his way out to his truck. He is old, but all those years of keeping in shape paid off because he is pretty spry for an 85-year-old man. He could not run like he used to, but he is still sharp enough to recite every ordinance in the book and his vision is still 20-20 so he is able to live alone, and he can still drive himself to wherever he wants.
He hoists himself up in the truck he had bought after he retired. It is the same make and model of his favorite truck he had had during his partnership with Hailey, only a newer year, but it still smelt the same and looked the same and he almost did not get it because it reminded him of so many memories of them together.
Looking over to his right, he can almost see her now. Her eyes bright and her hair shining as she settles into her place, reaching for the radio to toggle through the channels as she laughs at something he said.
The memory is frozen in time, and he wants to always remember those moments when they were in the in between, waiting for something more to happen until it didn’t, and they were back to strictly being best friends.
But even after she started dating Mike and after she got married, they still had that special connection. The one where they could just look at the other and know that something was off; they could still exchange looks across the room and know what the other was thinking.
Just because she was not his did not mean they suddenly did not know every little thing about the other one.
Just because she was not his did not mean he loved her any less.
Jay blinks hard, still looking at the empty seat beside him.
Even through it is not the same truck and she has not sat beside him in years, he knows that seat will always be hers.
He turns the ignition on and carefully pulls out into the street in no particular direction, just driving and seeing all the memories that he has with Hailey in every part of Chicago play out like a movie of their best years.
He does not know why but he ends up driving to the 21st district. The roll-up is full of cars he does not recognize but his spot that he parked in every day for almost 20 years is empty, so he swings his truck into the space like he has done a thousand times before.
It is like he is not in control of his body as something forces him out of the truck and into the district. The codes are still the same and he ends up in the bullpen—it still houses Intelligence, but he does not know it’s current members as intimately as he knew his team.
They are all young and eager and smart and when he sees them it is like he is transported back in time when he, Hailey, Kim, Kevin and Adam were the rising stars of the CPD, and they were the unit everyone looked to when they needed answers.
Jay thinks they must be out running surveillance because the room is empty and there are mugshots of up and coming shot callers for the Latin Players, so they are clearly in the middle of working a case.
The room is still basically laid out like it was when he was in the unit. He can still see Kim grinning at Adam who is covering his head from the paper balls Hailey is throwing at him, Kevin standing off to the side shaking his head in amusement.
He can still hear the laughter and the arguments and the teasing. He can still smell the coffee in the air and feel the sunlight streaming through the windows like nothing had ever changed but it had because now he is the only one left who remembers that point in history.
Jay gravitates toward his desk, the one he sat at when he was just the other detective in the unit, the one that was right across from Hailey’s and when he sits down in the seat for the first time in years, he notices the single envelope sitting on the desk.
He is surprised to see his name scrawled across the front and tears prick his eyes because he immediately knows who it is from.
Even after all these years, he would recognize her handwriting anywhere. The slightly messy, looping scrawl he used to tease her for.
He does not know how this got here or how Hailey knew he would be here, but he should not be surprised because she always did know him better than he knew himself.
The way his hands are shaking has nothing to do with his old age as he opens the envelope and pulls out what appears to be a letter handwritten by Hailey. Unfolding the paper, he uses a hand to wipe away the tears that have already gathered there at just the sight of her familiar handwriting.
He begins to read, and he can hear her voice just as clear as if she were there reading it to him with a fond smile playing at her lips.
To my dearest Jay,
If you are reading this it means that I am no longer here. I have to say, I am impressed you managed to outlive me because for a while there I thought for sure you were going to die well before your time because you kept getting shot.
He cannot help but chuckle because of course, she would find a way to shove that back in his face one last time.
There is a lot I want to say. More than I could ever write in a letter because I don’t think I could ever fully articulate my thoughts and feelings. I never really had to do that with you anyway—you always just knew but I am not there to tell you so I guess I will just have to do my best here because I need you to know how much you mean to me.
I have so many regrets regarding us and I’m not saying this to make you feel bad. I want you to know that I truly loved my life and I lived it as fully as I could, but I need you to know how much I wish thing between us could have worked out differently.
Because I love you, Jay.
“Oh Hailey,” He choaks out, tears dripping onto the sheets of paper, “I love you too. So much, you have no idea.”
Not for the first time Jay is crushed by the fact he never managed to say those words out loud to her and it is even more heartbreaking that he will never get another chance to let her know how much she means to him.
He blinks rapidly and forces himself to keep reading.
There I finally said it after all these years… Or wrote it down anyways.
I love you and I have always loved you and I will always love you.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I love my children, but Jay—you were always the one for me. Always.
I love Mike but I don’t think I was ever in love with him. Not in the way I was with you.
I could never fall for Mike or anyone else for that matter because they were not you.
He knows what she means because that is the reason he has never settled down. There was really no one after he met Hailey and honestly, he had no interest because everyone paled in comparison to her.
It is not that he did not want to date, or that he was choosing not to out of spite or pettiness, he just knew that he would never love anyone like he loved Hailey and he did not think that was fair to someone.
He honestly did not want to love someone that was not Hailey, and he was okay with that.
I was never one to really believe in fate or destiny or the concept of soulmates, but Jay, I think you were mine.
You were always my best friend and then you were my soulmate.
I think I always knew you were it for me—I knew I wanted it to be you, but I don’t think I really realized how much it was supposed to be you until after it was too late. Until I was old and grey, and I had lived my life always feeling like something was missing.
I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but it was you. I always knew that even before I forced myself to move on because I thought we had missed our chance. God, what I wouldn’t give to go back and just wait for however long it took—even if we never ended up together because I missed you.
I missed you every time we drifted further apart, and I missed you when we were together—I missed you because I knew I could never have you in the way I needed.
And I’m not talking in a lustful sense—I wanted to tell you things and spend time with you and do all the things we used to do before Mike. I couldn’t share my secrets and my feelings and my thoughts with the one person I wanted because I had a husband waiting for me at home. A husband who was expecting me to tell him all the things I used to tell you.
I wanted you. The person that knew me better than I knew myself. The person that was there from what felt like the very beginning.
I needed you. The person who went through hell and back with me, who never let me go and who never ever let me down.
But timing is everything just like you said, and I really do believe we were right for each other. Once upon a time we were supposed to be together.
But it is a cruel world, and the reality is life changes before you can even blink and then suddenly everything that you had is no longer familiar to you.
I do believe you were supposed to be my last love, the person I was supposed to grow old with, but I sometimes think that maybe we met too soon or not soon enough, or something happened, and we messed everything up because we went against fate.
We were so perfect for each other but somehow, the universe always found a way to tear us apart—your dad, Adam, Kelton, you being shot, New York…my decisions.
It’s like when everything you could ever want is right in front of you but no matter what you do, you can’t catch it.
And like I said before, I loved the family I had but there was a part of me that was always imagining you cooking in a house we picked out and babies playing in the floor that looked a little like me and a little like you.
It’s pathetic really how much I still dreamt it would be me and you at the end.
And, I guess in a way, it is. Me and you, here in the bullpen where it all started.
The end of our story right where it began.
It wasn’t a story out of a fairy-tale. Not by a long shot—our story was full of tears and panic and heartbreak and crushed dreams and disappointment and regret and we certainly didn’t get our happily ever after, but it was beautiful too.
Sometimes I think it would have been without a doubt easier if I had never met you, but then I wouldn’t have known the warmth of your smile or the joy I felt when I heard you laugh.
I would have missed out on the trust and the joy and the love and my life would have held far less meaning than it did.
All of the times we spent drinking and crying and laughing. The memories, the thoughts, the feelings—I carried them all in my heart close and dear and I pulled them out from time to time when missing you got overwhelmingly too much.
Like now as I write this letter. Like always really.
I could write forever and never tell you all that is in my heart, but I just wanted you to know how much I loved and dreamt of you. How much I wished and regretted.
I don’t really know what happens now. I don’t know what life is after death which is funny seeing as how we looked it in the face every day over the course of several decades, but I was never scared of it. The only thing I was really scared of was losing you, so I guess I’m telling you to hurry up and join me wherever I am.
Now, don’t take this as permission to go get yourself shot. Take your time, but also not too much time, okay?
Kind of ironic I’m telling you it’s okay to die whenever after I spent so many years begging you not to, isn’t it?
But you always did say you’d follow me anywhere, so I guess I’m telling you it’s okay to follow me now.
I love you, Jay Halstead.
Your partner always,
Detective Hailey Anne Upton
Fresh teardrops cover days old, dried ones and it is not lost on him that she signed her name the way she was signing it when he met her.
He sees a flash of blue eyes and blonde ponytail striding into a bank. Her voice echoing in his mind, sharp and clear as she declares that she is Detective Upton from Robbery-Homicide.
Back when she was his.
Jay slowly places a kiss over the loopy handwriting before pocketing the letter reverently and pushing himself up from his desk.
He walks down the main stairs, ignoring the hustle and bustle of police officers moving about the district and he sees moment after moment of his partnership with Hailey play out with each step he takes.
Down the front steps, turning the corner, sitting on the bench that has been there ever since he could remember.
How many lunches from a local food truck has he shared with Hailey on this bench?
He sits there and he remembers. He remembers all of the ‘I’d follow you blind’s’ and ‘we’ll always be good’s’.
All the times he looked beside him to find her laughing or smiling or teasing. The times she let him in and showed him the deepest, darkest parts of herself. The times where she pushed him, and he pushed her.
Always behind or beside or in front, watching his six and keeping his head on straight when the load got too heavy.
Every raid and stakeout and bust. All the times she was his right-hand man, his sounding board when he did not know what to do.
She always had the answer.
He knows he would have never made it without Hailey, and he does not know how he will make it now.
He blinks, reaching into his pocket for the letter and he sits there until day turns into night staring at her handwriting leaping up at him.
He sits there and he misses her.
He sits there and he closes his eyes.
He sits there and he looks for her.
And then he sees it. Her youthful smile looking at him, welcoming him, loving him and he smiles back.
God, he missed her.
Of course, he missed her. She was his partner.