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Castiel found himself in California. It was odd, he had spent most of his life in the midwest. Originally, he was born in Illinois, then they moved to Kansas, and now he was in California. It was warmer than he was used to.
It was even sunnier.
Castiel was four months pregnant. His belly showed and it was round and hard in front of him. He was living in a homeless shelter and volunteering at a local church to work with youth. It was odd, he did not think that he would be able to do these things at the same time, but apparently he could.
He was a little late returning to the shelter.
Originally the shelter didn't accept pregnant men, but Castiel pretended like he didn't even know. He wore clothing that was three sizes too big in order to hide his stomach.
Castiel would have to leave soon.
The temperature was still pleasant, but to Castiel, he was overheating. He couldn’t see his toes anymore. He had to ask someone to help him put his shoes on because it was uncomfortable to bend down to tie them.
He knew that he was a mess but hopefully it would get better.
At first he thought that Lucifer would come after him, maybe Dean as well, but as the months stretched on, no one came. Castiel had covered his tracks very well. He went onto six different buses before boarding the one for California. He still had a little money left, only because he barely used it.
The sun rapidly set behind him as he made his way through the now familiar streets of California.
At first, Castiel was alone, then he realized that there was someone behind him. In the quiet street multiple foot steps echoed causing him to realize that there was more than one person.
Castiel walked a little bit faster, he was only a few blocks away, but it was so hard because his center of gravity was off and his ankles were starting to swell.
Castiel missed everyone back at home. He missed Sam with his floppy hair and intuitive attitude. He missed Lucifer with his crude humor and protectiveness. Finally, he missed Dean. His precious Dean that couldn’t come to terms with being with Castiel. Dean who ran away from anything that made him happy because he spent his life trying to please his father who did not deserve him in the least.
It was being on his own like this that made Castiel miss them more and more.
Being alone on the street thinking that everything was a threat.
Granted, it was probably the hormones, but there was a small sliver of fear that ran up and down his spine.
There are very few men that can become pregnant, Castiel had always known that he was a carrier, but until Dean he had never seen the purpose of being on birth control.
There were still people who were bigots when it came to a man being able to carry life.
Castiel hunched his shoulders as he prepared to cross the street when he was wrenched around.
It was a group of teens. Not much older than he was. Maybe a few years give or take. There were three of them. They dressed similarly. They wore dark wash jeans and a white tee. They surrounded Castiel.
His heart began to beat faster. There was no one else on the street and most of the shops that lined the street were closed.
“Where you going faggot?” One of the teens sneered.
“Would you look at that, it’s pregnant. What, couldn’t find you a pussy to fuck, you like taking it up the ass?” Another one leered.
Castiel hunched in on himself trying to make himself invisible. He didn’t want any trouble, he wanted to desperately be left alone. He didn’t want anything to happen to his child. He did not even know what he was carrying.
The third one reached across and slapped Castiel so hard that he spun with the impact and landed in a heap on the street.
They all laughed around him.
“Let’s help him get rid of that thing in his belly, maybe he will learn a lesson and stick to women.” An attacker stated and raised his leg to kick Castiel in the stomach.
Castiel hunched over into himself, curling into a ball to protect his belly.
“Hey! What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Came a voice from far away.
“Oh shit!”
“Let’s get out of here before he calls the cops.”
“Yeah come on.”
As suddenly as they had appeared they disappeared.
Castiel laid on the ground trying to stem his tears. He was so close to losing his baby that he did not know what he would have done. He loved it so much.
His face was on fire and wet with his tears.
“Hey, man you alright?” A man said.
Castiel looked at him.
He was older than Castiel that was sure. Maybe mid to late twenties. He had long light brown hair that he kept pulling back from his face. He looked small. Not in a bad way, just he was short. He had a firm build but it did nothing to make up for his height.
He reached down to help Castiel off of the floor, “Come on into my shop and we will get you cleaned up. I didn’t get a good look at those bastards I’m sorry.”
Castiel looked at his outstretched hand and then back at his face.
“My name’s Gabriel Milton. I own a bakery just down the street. I glanced up from helping a customer and saw those punks. I wish I would have been here sooner to help.”
Castiel continued to stare at him but he reached up and together they struggled to get him standing.
“You don’t talk much do you.” It came out more like a statement than a question so Castiel obediently followed him until they came to a shop door that smelled amazing.
Castiel’s mouth started watering as soon as he smelled the confections.
It was a small shop, there was a sign that spanned the entire wall that stated It's Heavenly Cafe and it had angel wings on either side.
There were small tables that lined the window and a counter that proudly displayed the different types of sweets. There was also a menu that hung from the ceiling and it showed they also served coffee and small sandwiches.
Castiel couldn’t remember the last time that he ate only because he still did not have an apatite. He ate in the morning but it was always tasteless and bland. The aroma of the bakery was going to bring Castiel to tears.
“I’m sorry about that, now what did you say that you wanted?” Gabriel stated as he walked back behind the counter. There was a woman and a teenage girl at the register.
Castiel sat at one of the tables that lined the window and stared outside as he tuned out Gabriel and the women.
He didn’t know how long he sat there but suddenly there was a steaming mug of hot chocolate placed in front of him. There were small marshmallows and sprinkles of chocolate. It smelled heavenly and Castiel reached out and wrapped his hands around the warm mug.
Castiel glanced up and saw that the bakery was empty and that it was only the two of them. Strangely, Castiel was not nervous or scared.
“If you want you can stay here as long as you like. I noticed that you walk the streets a lot so I am going to go out on a limb and say that you’re homeless. Now I’m not judging you, I have been there too. If you want, you can stay here until I close and I’ll walk you to the shelter that’s down the street.” Gabriel stated.
“Why? Why would you help me?” Castiel asked. He was confused. Ever since he started showing he was victimized. Suddenly people couldn’t keep their elbows to themselves.
Gabriel sat down across from Castiel and that was when he noticed that he was drinking coffee.
“Well, I am the product of two dads so it hurts when I see someone struggling.” he shrugged.
Castiel cleared his throat and took a sip of the hot chocolate. It was heavenly, "Wow, I think this is the best cup of hot chocolate that I have ever had in my life. Thank you Gabriel."
Gabriel chuckled, "Thank you, and please call me Gabe."
"My name is Castiel, you can call me Cas."
"Sure thing Cas, so how many months are you?" Gabe asked.
"About four," Castiel paused as he contemplated how much more to tell him. The man did just save his life, "I ran away from home and now I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do."
“Don’t worry, it will come to you. So what do you say, do you want to stay here until I close?”
“Yes I think that I might enjoy that.”
“Awesome,” Gabe pulled a piece of candy from his pocket unwrapped it and popped it into his mouth, “do you want anything to eat? Something sweet?” He asked.
“Oh no, I wouldn’t want to intrude--” Castiel started to protest.
“Nonsense, I’ll get you a slice of pie. Is apple okay?” He asked as he rose.
At the mention of pie Castiel felt loneliness tug at his heart as he remembered Dean. “Sure.” Castiel murmured.
Castiel sat back and remembered the first day that he met Dean.
***
He was mad. They moved from Illinois to this stupid town in Kansas because they stupid kids in school were mean to Castiel. It wasn’t his fault that he had a weird name. It wasn’t his fault that he was small. Momma said that he was going to grow up strong but now his slim frame at the tender age of nine didn’t need the added stress of having the school bullies.
Castiel sat outside in the summer sun and worried about his new school. What if the kids there were mean too? What if the bullies in his old school called the bullies in this school and they are friends? Castiel sat there and worried his bottom lip.
Momma and Dad were inside unpacking and Lucifer was helping them because he was older. He heard them inside talking but did not pay much mind to what they were saying, instead he took in his surroundings.
It was hot and all the trees looked so green. The new house they bought was smaller than their old one. There were three bedrooms and a bathroom. It was also one floor instead of their old one that had a basement, an upstairs, and the main level that had the living room and kitchen. This house was so small. Castiel hated it.
Lucifer opened the front door and walked outside. He was six years older than Castiel meaning that he was fifteen. He got to stay up late and do other cool stuff because he was older. He was going to be a freshman this year.
“C’mon kiddo, we are going to the park. I saw one when we were driving.” Lucifer said.
“I don’t want to go to the stupid park.” Castiel said petulantly.
Lucifer let out a dramatized a gasp and fell to the floor at Castiel’s feet, “But I wanna goooo.” He whined.
Castiel pouted in order to hide the small twitch of his lips.
“C’mon little bro, let’s go to the park and make sure the people here are nice. Who knows, maybe some of them are demons or werewolves.” Lucifer stated.
A few months ago Lucifer let Castiel watch a scary movie that he was fascinated by. It had werewolves, vampires and other mythical creatures that he did not know existed. He became obsessed and asked Lucifer to read stories to him and they made a game of trying to figure out who was not human.
“Okay.” Castiel said and rose with him. Together they walked the few blocks to the park and it was filled with children and parents. Castiel hid behind Lucifer because he was scared of the other children.
Lucifer turned around and went down on one knee so that he was level with Castiel, “Hey, don’t worry about the other kids alright,” his eyes bore into Castiel’s, “have fun, that’s all that matters.”
Castiel nodded and tentatively walked towards the other children. He paused and looked back at Lucifer who nodded at him and walked towards a bench and sat down.
Castiel turned back to the other children and went to the slide. Suddenly he was shoved from behind. He fell to his hands and knees, the soft woodchips biting into his palms.
“Hey, that was mean!” Someone shouted from above him. Suddenly there was a shadow over him.
“He was in my way.” Said another voice.
“That doesn’t mean that you have to be a dirtbag!” The voice said again. Castiel was fascinated by it. It sounded nice.
Castiel sat back on his knees and looked at the other children who were arguing over him. He also glanced at Lucifer and saw that he was coming toward them.
“I’m okay.” He said softly.
“Apologize you jerk.”
The bully just looked at the other boy who had long brown hair. He was smaller than Castiel and looked younger as well.
The bully snorted and said as he walked away, “Whatever shortstack.”
“Castiel, are you okay?” Lucifer asked when he reached them.
“Sammy what the hell were you thinking?” Came another new voice. Castiel looked towards him and his eyes widened. It was another boy who was the same age as Castiel. He had short spiked blonde hair and eyes that reminded Castiel of Granny Smith apples.
Both boys nodded to their respective brothers.
That was when Castiel noticed that the new boy had a mitt in his hand.
When Castiel looked back at the boy he noticed that he was staring at him. He also had his hand out to help Castiel off of the ground. Castiel tentatively reached out and gripped his hand. Electricity sparked between them as soon as they touched.
“My name’s Dean, what’s yours?” he asked.
“Castiel Novak.”
“Cassie, are you okay?” Lucifer asked again. After tearing his eyes away from the green eyed boy Castiel looked at Lucifer and scowled, “That’s not my name. I’m fine Lucifer.”
Dean tugged him up and suddenly they were standing close. Lucifer nodded at him and then went back to the bench and suddenly he was standing with the two boys.
“Do you want to play catch?” Dean asked him.
“I don’t know how.” Castiel replied.
“That’s okay we can teach you. Come on Sammy let’s go play catch.”
Together the three of them went to play and Castiel learned that he was as graceful as a three legged cat. The ball would slip out of the mitt and it felt weird on his hand.
They played for hours.
Castiel told them that he just moved there and they learned that they lived on the same block.
He learned that Dean and Sammy were brothers and that they were four years apart. He also learned that they lived with their dad. He learned so much that his head was spinning.
“What about you Cas. What is your favorite dessert?”
Castiel realized that Dean called him Cas. He gave him a nickname. He liked it better than Cassie that was sure.
“You called me Cas. Why?” Castiel asked.
Both brothers looked at one another then back at Castiel, “Dean has that habit. He likes to call people nicknames. He calls me Sammy even though I want him to call me Sam.” Sam said.
Castiel’s smile bloomed across his face because he knew that the kids give each other nicknames when they are friends.
“So Cas, what’s your favorite dessert?”
“Ice cream, what about you?” Castiel asked.
“Pie. I love me some pie.” Came Dean’s enthusiastic reply.
Castiel cocked his head in confusion, “I’ve never had pie. What is it?”
Both brother’s gaped at him and paused in their game of catch, “You, you never had, I have to sit down.” Dean squeaked.
Sam laughed so hard that he sat on the ground and then Castiel joined them in their laughter.
When he went to bed to that night it was with a smile on his face. He didn’t really have to worry about making friends at school anymore because he had Dean.
Maybe they would be friends forever.
***
Dean walked through the front door after his shift with Bobby and found John drunk off his ass and sitting in the kitchen. He had a greasy whisky glass in his hand and a bottle of Jack next to it.
The house reeked of alcohol and Dean remembered that Sammy was at the library working on some project or other. Dean had graduated barely previously and that was around the same time that Cas left. Cas had left after Dean ripped him apart.
“Why haven’t you paid the gas bill?” John asked from across the house.
Shit was that bill due? When was he supposed to pay that? Why did he have to pay that bill? Why couldn’t John get off his drunk ass and actually contribute to raising his sons.
A small voice whispered that Dean was the sam. He didn’t want to take responsibility either which is why he pushed Cas away.
“Why didn’t you pay it?” Dean snapped, “Or was that bottle more important?”
“What did you say to me boy?” John roared and entered the living room from the kitchen.
“I said, maybe you should get off your drunk ass and do something for once.” Dean sneered.
John lumbered over to Dean, tripping in his haste and drunkenness. Dean realized that he at some point and time stopped calling his father dad and started calling him John. How fucked up was that? Dean didn’t think of the man as his father.
Dean was so deep in thought that he missed John’s hand raising. Suddenly Dean’s head whipped back and his lip split. Dean tasted the metallic flavor that screamed blood.
He calmly turned back to his father and snapped, “What the fuck was that for?”
“That there boy was for disrespecting your father. I thought I raised you better. That little fairy Cas is gone and I think that you miss him.” He leered cruelly.
“Don’t you dare talk about him like that.” Dean retaliated and even to him it sounded weak. Dean didn’t want the image of Cas to be sullied by his father. His father who has been an abusive alcoholic ever since their mother died when he was four.
John laughed darkly, “What’s the matter? You miss the little queer? I think it’s great that he’s gone, who knows, he might have turned you gay. But what’s one fuck between friends right?”
Dean paled, “What did you just say?” he asked as his blood ran like ice and then heated in anger.
“I asked if he was worth the fuck? Didn’t think that I would find out huh? What he tell you? Did that little slut tell you that you got him preg---” was as far as his father made it before Dean leapt at him.
They were tangled together on the floor. His father was never a small man, but Dean wasn’t a kid anymore. He gave back as good as he received.
Dean ended up on top of his father and he drew his arm back and landed blow after blow.
“Don’t,” punch “you,” punch “ever,” punch “talk about,” punch “him like that!” Dean heaved. Punctuating each word with a blow.
Dean looked down and his father’s face was covered in bruises. His eye was nearly swollen shut and his cheek had a small cut. His lip was split like Dean’s and he was breathing heavily.
Dean stood shakily to his feet and realized that his father must have landed a few blows because his ribs ached and his face throbbed. He walked to the kitchen and took the bottle of whiskey and walked out of his house.
His father was still in a heap on the floor. There was broken glass from a lamp and the couch was torn where Dean must have hit when he chased after his father.
As Dean closed the door behind the mess he made he walked to the Impala climbed in and taking a long pull from the bottle he drove to Bobby’s and prayed that Castiel was alright.
He still remembered when Lucifer came and told him that Cas had left. It’s funny he had a split lip that time too. Dean snorted and continued driving.
***
It was a few days after Dean ripped out Castiel’s heart and he was buried in the engine of some car. His mind kept wandering back to the awful things that he said to Cas and the reason’s that he told him that.
Dean did not deserve him. Dean would most likely fuck up that kid more than take care of it.
There was no way that Dean would be a good father. The mere thought terrified him. He was lost in his own head that he didn’t hear anyone come up behind him until he was whipped around.
He stared at Lucifer’s angry and tear streaked face and wondered what could have happened to have him willingly touch Dean or even be in the same orbit.
“What did you do?” Lucifer yelled. His blue eyes always reminded Dean of icicles seemed even colder than normal.
He seemed sure that Dean had done something. Did he know something? Did he know that Dean slept with Cas? Oh god, did he know that Dean fathered Cas’ baby?
He had to know, him and Cas were really close. There was no way that Cas didn’t tell him. Dean was just surprised that it took Lucifer so long to come after Dean.
He had to show up when Dean had his guard down.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Dean snapped.
“I just got back from the fucking police station from filing a missing person’s report because my little brother is gone.” Lucifer’s eyes filled as he stared at Dean and viciously blinked back his tears, “Is he with you? Please tell me that he is.” Lucifer’s voice lowered until it was a whisper.
Dean gaped at him. The next words that left lips did not stop at his brain to be filtered at all, “The fuck I care about that freak for?”
Lucifer’s fist shot out so fast that it was a blurr and Dean fell back onto the floor. Pain bloomed across his face as his lip split and blood trickled down his chin. He quickly rose and swung back.
Dean swung his punch landing in Lucifer's stomach. Luke doubled over and clutched his stomach, but quickly recovered and landed another punch. Dean’s foot shot out and tripped him. Lucifer clung clung to clung to Dean clung to dean and clung to dean and dragged him down as well.
Soon they were tangled together on the floor and rolled around with fists flying as one of them tried to get on top.
Dean finally was about to get on top of Lucifer when he was wrenched away.
"The hell are you doing boy?" Bobby snapped out as he forcefully pushed Dean a few steps back.
Dean wiped blood off of his chin and glared at Lucifer. He turned around and stomped out of the shop. He stormed past junk cars and sat pressed against a rusted bug and pressed his fingers to his eyes.
Dean trembled as Lucifer's quoted sank in. Cas was gone. He ran away.
Because of Dean.
Because Dean is emotionally constipated.
Because in the end everyone leaves Dean.
His mom left him when he was for.
His dad checked out with her.
Hell even Sammy was planning on leaving.
Dean looked up and saw the car that he had been working on as Castiel's graduation gift. Lucifer was paying for the parts and Dean was working on it for free during his spare time.
It was a hideous seventy-eight Lincoln Continental.
He had already fixed the engine a few weeks ago all he had to do was take out the dents, sand and paint it.
Dean hasn't worked on the car since he got drunk and slept with Cas.
All Dean could think about was that Cas was going to leave him and that he would never be good enough for Cas.
Dean rubbed his face and when he rose he saw the crowbar in the bugs window.
Without thinking and his face grim Dean reached and grabbed it.
He swung the crowbar into the window and relished in the sound and spray of broken glass.
His thoughts jumbled with rage, loss, and sadness as he continued to pummel the car in an attempt to free mind of dark thoughts.
He was a failure.
His dad told him all the time. He was sick for spending so much time with Cas.
That if he went and fell in love with him that no son of his was going to be a cock loving faggot.
That he would stain the pure memory of hours mother. That she would be ashamed of Dean.
Dean continued to beat the car until it was littered with holes, broken glass, and deep dents.
He flung the bar against the car as hard as he could and dragged in strangled breaths.
His body was covered in sweat. He wiped his forehead and winced at the sting of his lip.
Slowly he walked back to the shop. Lucifer was gone and Bobby pulled Dean to his office.
"What tell hell was all that about?" Bobby asked after Dean threw himself into a chair.
Stubbornly Dean kept his mouth shut. Glaring over Bobby's shoulder in a piss poor attempt of avoiding him.
"Dean, I asked you a question."
"He's looking for Cas," dean shrugged, "thought I few where he was. I didn't and I don't. End of story." Dean rose and pushed past Bobby. His hands shook a little when he walked out of the office.
It wasn't like he didn't trust Bobby.
He didn't want to talk about it.
Plain and simple.
Everything Dean did he did it for the best.
Cas deserved better.
Cas deserved to be happy.
Cas deserved to be with someone who wasn't afraid.
Cas deserved to be with someone who want a fucking coward.
If Dean did the right thing then why was there an ache in his chest? Why did he feel like shit?