Work Text:
Alex got his keys out of his pocket (somehow he remembered where they were) and unlocked the door to the brownstone. He walked inside and put his bag down on the kitchen island. Well, “put” is too gentle of a word for what he actually did. Flung is more like it. He went to the fridge and took out some mac and cheese bites that he got from Trader Joe’s. Lately, he had been obsessed with Trader Joe’s and literally everything from there. He had bought eight boxes of mac and cheese bites in one shopping spree. Henry had come home and raised one of his eyebrows when he saw seven boxes of them laying on their countertop. Alex had just shrugged while munching on one of the bites that were fresh out of the oven. He had already ripped open one box and put all eight of the bites in the oven as soon as he could.
He took out the third last box of the bites and tossed them onto a baking sheet and put it in the oven. While he waited for that, he tried to make a mental list of things he had to do now that he was home.
- Vacuum the living room
- Wipe the TV which was so fucking dusty oh my god–
- Start researching material for the new case
- Change the sheets
- Start the laundry
- Wash the dishes
- Eat
Eating would always be at the bottom of the list if he had other things to do. He liked to view eating as a form of reward for a job well done and hence he ate after doing all his work. Especially since he had started at the law firm. Henry had told him again and again that this was a bad habit and he shouldn’t view eating as a “reward” because it was vital and everyone needs to eat. Whenever Henry was home, Alex ate before he even started his work, which incited a feeling of uncomfort in him, seeing as he was used to eating after working for a very long time, but after he finished his food, he did actually feel better and more energetic.
But Henry wasn’t here to tether him to healthy habits and so he went back to trivializing eating.
He realized that he had already put the bites in the oven and by the time they were done, he would be nowhere near the end of his to-do list, but he started with vacuuming the living room anyway. He had just barely finished the task when the oven beeped and he went to take the delicacy out of the oven. He left it on the counter and went back to trying to finish the tasks on his to-do list. After vacuuming thoroughly, he went to the laundry room to get a cleaning cloth and wiped the TV. Then, he went to his home office and sat in front of his computer.
While he was working, his computer started heating up for no reason at all. Okay, maybe not for no reason at all. He had ten tabs open on Chrome, and one of them was playing YouTube. And he was running Spotify in the background. But he had a pretty powerful computer, with 64 gigabytes of memory and 1 terabyte of storage. It was fairly new. Additionally, his computer hadn’t been heating up this much with the fan being super loud until only recently. It started a couple days ago. Even when he didn’t have any apps open, the fan was super loud and it made him want to scream and toss over a table.
Aminali was a friend he’d made at the law firm. She was very good with technology and had even considered going into IT before deciding that law was her true calling. She and Alex had hit it off immediately, sharing many things in common. They had exchanged numbers and texted each other every once in a while. They usually saw each other at work and talked then, but on the weekends they might tell each other about this new restaurant they went to, or something cute their partners did for them. Aminali knew a lot about Henry without even meeting him because of Alex. He was very comfortable around her, and she was always listening to him go on and on about his life.
So, naturally, Alex’s instincts told him to text Aminali and ask what was up with his computer. He got his phone out and opened up their conversation.
yo aminali
i kinda need your smart ass
techy brain
my computer is heating up
all of a sudden and it didn’t
used to be this way
Hmm
Maybe your processor’s
time is up
How long ago did
you get this computer?
uhhhhh
like less than a year ago???
Oh that’s weird
I think it’ll be fine
Just give it a couple of
days or something
ok thanks for the
tremendous amount of help
Lmao
Okay I gtg so talk to
you later!
alrighty you can leave but
i’m not done ranting
about my weak ass
computer
who decided that it would
be a good idea to have
such weak processors or
whatever in a computer
like people are gonna be
running a million things
at once you know
smh i’m just mildly
frustrated cuz i CANNOT
handle the noise of
my computer’s fan sdjfjsfj
maybe i should get a new
computer????? or i guess
i can listen to your advice
and just wait pAtiEnTLy
but i mean cmon i paid
like 3k for this thing
sfhsjdfhsdaksdfhajdhfjds
Okay lmao
First of all
Stop sending essays
as texts
It’s kinda hard to
read
oh
sorry
Lol
i kinda do that
sorry
Yeah I know you do
that [laughing out loud emoji]
yeah i’m sorry
You’re good
Alex put his phone down. He had this heart-wrenching feeling in his chest. He suddenly felt like bursting into tears but he told himself he was just overreacting. He decided he couldn’t work anymore and went back out to the living room. Then he remembered the mac and cheese bites and ran to the kitchen. They were mostly soggy and not at all hot, so he put them in the microwave. He planned on eating them now, even though he wasn't anywhere near done with his tasks. While he waited for that to heat up, he leant against the counter and thought. He wished Henry were here so he could hug him and cuddle with him and forget about the rest of the world and how everyone probably thought of him as annoying and loud and way too over-the-top.
What if Henry thought of him that way too but was just polite enough to not say it?
He knew deep down that there was truth in that, seeing as he and Henry had been together for way more than a year. If Henry really couldn’t stand Alex, he would have left him. Then, the thought of Henry leaving Alex made him break down.
Alex fell to the floor on his knees and his breathing escalated. Fucking pathetic. Why do I always overreact so much? Aminali was just telling me that it was hard to read when I spam her with messages, that’s all. It’s not a big fucking deal.
Except, it felt like a really big deal. It made him think about if there were any other times he did something frustrating to other people without realizing it. He probably didn’t deserve the friends he had right now. They must have put up with so much of his outbursts and vents because they were good people, but he hated having to make them put up with him. He wanted them to be happy that they were friends with him and have no regrets about it. He didn’t know for sure that they felt like that. A jolt of loneliness went through him. Why was he like this?
And Henry , oh my god.
How did Henry deal with him? How could Henry wake up next to him every day and think that he was happy being with Alex? That he wasn’t a burden at all?
Alex picked himself off of the floor and went to the microwave to get out his food. He tried to think of anything else, literally anything, besides how shitty it must feel to be around him. But his mind didn’t want to think of anything else, apparently, and those thoughts stayed with him as he went to one of the stools they had underneath the countertop. They stayed with him as he munched on the bites, which tasted so bland compared to the cheesy, salty, warm taste they usually had. After eating about two bites, he realized his appetite was no longer and he put the rest of them in the fridge. Henry was supposed to be home from the shelter at around eight o’clock. Alex looked at the clock in their kitchen and saw that it was seven-thirty and his eyes widened a little. He had lost track of time and three and a half hours had gone by just like that. He shook his head quickly as if he could shake off his poor time-management skills. He still had a couple more things to do from his list. He tried to remember them, and he probably could have if he’d tried harder, but he just felt so fucking tired. He wanted to collapse onto the wooden floors then and there.
And collapse, he did. Well, it wasn’t too dramatic. He knelt down and fell forward and then rolled over, but he did so gracefully, since Alex Claremont-Diaz did everything so fucking gracefully. He then closed his eyes and tried to shut his mind off. It was impossible and he kept circling back to his state of self-loathing. He opened his eyes back up again because the world seemed unnervingly dark when they were closed. He didn’t want to be in darkness. He wanted to be in Hen– well, no, he didn’t want to be in Henry (not that he would mind, though. Anything to get his mind off of his current thoughts), he wanted to be near Henry. He wanted Henry to tell him forever and ever and ever that Alex was not a burden and that he had never thought of him that way and never would and he would love Alex till no end.
Alex wanted to reach for his phone and call Henry and ask him if he was on his way home because he wanted to see his face desperately, or maybe call Nora or June and tell them that he needed to be comforted. But who’s to say they wouldn’t perceive Alex as an attention-seeker or feel bothered by him? So Alex just lied on the ground, staring up at the ceiling.
After what seemed like a decade, the sound of the front door opening sounded. Alex imagined himself getting up quickly, brushing his shirt off, and walking over to greet Henry casually, as if nothing happened. He seriously wanted to get up. Really badly. But he also wanted to just lie there forever. His mind was conflicted between the two choices, and he ended up not getting up.
Soon enough, Alex heard Henry call out his name but he didn’t respond. Henry would find him eventually, so there was no need to respond. He randomly thought of when he was younger and wouldn’t reply out loud to people if he didn’t see the need to (which was very often) and was called rude and disrespectful. Tiredness settled over him again.
He saw Henry enter the kitchen to see Alex lying on the floor. He looked concerned.
“Why are you on the floor, darling?”
“Mm,” is all Alex said while still staring at the ceiling. Their kitchen had a white ceiling, but he had the urge to paint it a redundant color all of a sudden. Maybe a neon yellow. Maybe an electric purple. Maybe he could use multiple colors. It would also be cool if there were glow in t–
“How about you get up and tell me what’s going on?” Henry said, interrupting his fantasy of an eccentrically vivid kitchen ceiling.
Alex said nothing and lifted his right hand into the air, pointed at where Henry was standing in front of him. Henry uncrossed his arms from where they were crossed before and helped Alex to his feet. He then curved his hand around Alex’s waist and drew him in. Henry rested the side of his head on Alex’s head and Alex thought, He definitely loves me. I think. Well, I guess that’s not so definite then.
As if Henry had read Alex’s mind, he said “I love you.” Then he stepped back and stared at Alex’s face. Alex did nothing but stare back directly into Henry’s eyes, dreamy, glossy sepia boring into a glorious, clear sky. Henry gave Alex a tiny, soft smile. “Now will you tell me what’s up?”
“It’s kind of stupid. I just overreacted a bit, like I usually do. No big deal,” Alex insisted, but his voice gave it away, shaking at the end.
Henry seemed to sense that Alex wasn’t going to open up at the moment. “Come on, let’s go sit on the couch for now.”
They walked over to the couch and sat down. Henry leaned back and put his arm behind Alex’s side of the couch. Alex didn’t lean back though. He felt too restless to be doing that, and so his left leg was bouncing uncontrollably and he was shaking his fingers like his life depended on it. He put his hands underneath his thighs to stop them from shaking so bad, but his leg was still going crazy.
Henry came forward and put his hand on Alex’s back, rubbing up and down. He nuzzled Alex’s neck and brought his other hand up to properly hug him. Alex untucked his hands from under his thighs and brought them up to hug Henry as well. They sat there like that for around twenty seconds before Henry tried again. “I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m always here if you do.”
Alex stared at the floor as Henry pulled back from their hug. “Fine. I’m going to ask you a question, but I need you to be, um, fully honest, alright? I mean it. I need to know the real answer to this so I can– I– I– so I can– um, become, like, a better person?” His voice rose in pitch at that last thing he said, making it seem like a question.
Henry narrowed his eyes slightly but replied with, “Okay.”
Alex continued, “Do you, um, do– no, wait– have you– or well, I guess you still could think this, so maybe do you was the right thing to ask–”
“Alex, love. Look at me.” When Alex silently shook his head at Henry’s request, Henry went on, “Okay, you don’t have to look at me. But you can tell me anything and everything, yeah? Seriously, I could listen to you read a grocery store receipt and my jaw would still drop with want. I love the sound of your voice, you know that? It’s like liquid gold.”
Alex grinned so hard it felt like the ends of his mouth were going to come off of his face. “Damn, you’re kinda obsessed with me, aren’t you, Wales?”
Henry laughed, seemingly glad to see Alex smile for the first time that night. “Since ‘16, darling. Now, you were saying?”
“Right. So,” Alex took a deep breath, “do I ever come off as excessively loud and/or undesirably clingy and/or annoying and/or–”
“Alex, what? What do you mean? Of course not! Why on earth would you think that? Did someone say something?”
“See that's the thing. I want you to tell me the truth, H. Please don’t sugarco–”
“Alex. You are the epitome of beautiful, kind, heavenly, angelic human beings. Why do you think I fell in love with you more than five years ago? I don’t know where this is coming from, but I promise you that you aren’t any of those things you just mentioned. I promise. You’re so lovable and bloody gorgeous . I don’t just mean on the outside. Remember how you once said you wished you could fight anyone who has ever hurt me? Well, that feeling is mutual. I will tell you this everyday, if that’s what you need to hear,” Henry finished, breathing heavily and eyes wide.
Alex’s mouth had opened slightly and he shut it. He was full-on staring at Henry now. “Baby,” he whispered.
Henry threw himself at Alex and hugged him so hard he could have deprived him of all oxygen. “I’m sorry you had to say that, baby. I– I– I don’t know what happened today, I’m just so tired, Henry, so fucking tired. And– and– so lonely.” Alex whispered the last word. He then told Henry what had started this spiral of unwanted thoughts and emotions. He didn’t understand why this had happened, but it had, and this was how he’d dealt with it.
“Love, don’t apologize for anything that just happened. And I do not have an ounce of regret for saying all of that to you. Like I said earlier, I will say it over and over again, every day, if it would make you feel better. And you are most certainly not alone. I am always, always, always here for you. ” Henry cupped Alex’s left cheek in his right hand and knocked his forehead with Alex’s. Next, he kissed the bridge of Alex’s nose and then moved on to kiss his mouth. It was a light and airy kiss, but oh, was it soft.
Alex suddenly pulled back and put his hands on Henry’s chest. “Wait. I think I may know why this happened. I heard about this one case the other day, where the defendant didn't plead guilty by reason of insanity. I researched more about that, and ended up reading parts of the DSM. I, um, read the ADHD part of it, and, well, I could relate to a lot of the things. More things that any neurotypical person should be relating to. It would explain so much. Uh, so,” Alex inhaled a long breath but didn’t finish his sentence.
Henry had been nodding the entire time Alex was talking, and when he was done, he kissed Alex’s mouth again. Alex resumed, “I don’t know if I want to get an official diagnosis yet, but at least I know for myself. But, um, thanks for sticking with me through all this.”
“That’s the bare minimum, love. But I swear I will stick with you through everything, whatever choice you make. I love you so much, darling, and I don’t ever want you to feel ashamed for what you think is overreacting. I might not understand what you go through on a daily basis just to get the smallest shit done, but I’m proud that you still try. And I also swear that I will tell you every fucking day how much I love you and why I do so.”
“You are the only reason my ego is so goddamn big, babe,” Alex smirked. “But in all seriousness, thank you. I really appreciate it.”
“Anytime, darling.” Henry leaned over and kissed Alex once more. It was a lot more passionate and steamy this time.
When they finally broke apart, Alex murmured enticingly, “I may or may not have had a very brief thought about being inside you when I was lying on the floor earlier, so I suggest we get on with it.”