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One Sunlit Smile

Summary:

Sometimes all it takes is one moment to see someone completely differently, especially when everything in your life seems to be in flux.

Notes:

Kaeya's pronouns and gender terms alternate throughout the fic depending on how he's feeling or being perceived in-universe. Here they're being headcanoned as genderfluid and pan, primarily questioning transfeminine feelings :)

Work Text:

It's not every day that the people of Monstadt venture far, far out into the sea hunting the creatures who live in the depths thereof rather than the green plains – though it isn't every day that the hunters on land have come up so short so often in a short period of time, either. Mondstadt is struck by these miniature famines from time to time, Kaeya is told; not regularly, but not uncommonly enough that most children of Diluc's age won't have lived through one. Usually they are dependent in these times on trading from outside, but this summer season neighboring countries have also been on somewhat hard times thanks to the unexpected heatwaves. With that in mind, the Knights have elected to deploy their fleet to fish and whale, bringing in food and fuel to reenergize the flagging marketplaces. And at the head of their family's application, both heirs of the Ragnvindr clan will be aboard with them as apprentices.

 

Crepus tells his two boys he is proud of them before he sends them off into the round wooden arms of the ship that will be their home for at least the next week. Diluc lights up as he always does when his father praises him, excited for the new and novel experience – he's never been to sea before. Kaeya demurs, not feeling worthy of the praise despite knowing that Diluc's father has never considered his ward as lesser than his own true son.

 

“This experience will be an invaluable step on both of your roads to manhood,” Crepus tells them, smiling in reassurance. Diluc nods, obviously thrilled about the concept. He wants to be grown up so badly, just like his father, with all the privilege and glamour becoming a man entails.

 

For Kaeya, those words feel like a cage with the door wide open, waiting to clang shut.

 

Kaeya doesn't remember how long it's been, which means it may well have been as far as memory can serve – since the beauty of women began to seem like something desirable, not in the way it “should”, but in the way that a child might see a bard or dancer or, yes, a sailor and immediately plunge into infatuation with the idea of being that when they grow up! Girls are attractive, yes, magnetic and tempting to touch, to perhaps think of pulling close and kissing, of flirting with in hopes of prompting a porcelain-glaze blush, but to Kaeya it's something more; something beyond, something infinitely more confusing. Kaeya is fourteen; Kaeya is learning how to fall in love with women, but Kaeya also wants to be admired the way they are. Kaeya wants to be beautiful, adorned in silken skirts and curls of long hair, and Kaeya wants to attract the approving eyes of men just as much as fine ladies', just as much as the schoolyard boys want to be seen by their female peers.

 

Kaeya knows she isn't a girl, but certainly doesn't feel like she's meant to be a man, either.

 


 

Diluc shins up the rope ladder hanging from the with the slightly clumsy yet enthusiastic energy of a boy who has yet to adjust to his own growth spurts. He's gotten taller, Kaeya realizes – now they're almost of a height with each other. Taller and somewhat broader, though still just as gangly as any young teenager. When did that happen? Surely it hasn't been just since they set foot on board ship, that's absolutely impossible. Perhaps it iss more obvious now because he's been dressing differently out of necessity – the heat of the uninterrupted summer sky hardly allows for his usual coats and earthy colors. In his high boots and white shirt, the collar open to catch the cooling breeze and the sleeves rolled up, Diluc looks startlingly like the other, more mature sailors around him.

 

He also looks, they realize, happy. Not that it's unusual – out of the two Diluc is generally the more lighthearted of the two – but the boy truly seems to be in his element here, working more or less independently once given a task. He turns slightly, high-tied hair floating out in the breeze like a crimson banner, and Kaeya catches her breath at the light in his eyes and the smile on his lips.

 

Diluc is so happy he glows in the bright sunlight like the sun itself. Diluc is lost in wonder, gazing out in admiration at the sparkling waves and the faint, hazy lumps of land and island out on the horizon, and the look of awe that has bubbled up to suffuse his face is near blinding – piercing, like a Cryo spear through the heart. Diluc is beautiful at this moment in the way no girl, however glamorous or perfectly arrayed, has ever been to Kaeya, and she feels her chest peel open like a night-blooming flower at dusk. Thrilling, intoxicating.

 

Terrifying.

 

Kaeya shivers at their own suddenly racing thoughts and pulse.

 

Diluc sways on the rocking ropes, the waves' movement swiveling him in Kaeya's direction, him and his sunlit smile. Kaeya hovers just long enough to return the wave that he merrily gives, and when Diluc turns away, so does Kaeya, with a slowly sinking sigh.

 

He has work of his own to do.