Work Text:
Stay the Night
It's late and everyone on Blue base is getting ready to retire for bed. It had been a long day, well, if you could call it long (really, they had done nothing but waste precious time, in Wash's opinion and to his annoyance) and if you could call it a day (because on Blood Gulch, the land of perpetual sunshine with very few nights, day is a relative term).
Once Caboose and Tucker retreat to their respective rooms, Doc finds himself alone with the grey eyed-former freelancer. A burst of excitement thrills through him at their luck; they have attempted numerous times to be together by themselves, but it seemed no matter how hard they tried, Caboose, Tucker or responsibility would come knocking and they, reluctantly, had to answer.
Doc grins at Wash, who tentatively returns a small smile of his own. The base falls into a comfortable silence and Doc waits, feeling as if there will, inevitably, be some kind of interruption, but after a few beats, when nothing comes and he is once again left to face the beautiful truth that they are really, in fact, alone, his grin grows impossibly wider.
"So," Doc begins, "what do you want to do now?" He asks hopefully.
Wash fixes his steel grey eyes on the medic, raking a hand through his short, blond hair, he admits: "I'm not sure."
Doc feels his excitement deflate a little. Wash can be difficult at times (or most times, to be frank) and although he's a tough, efficient soldier who is capable of accepting and completing missions without a second thought, or barking orders at Tucker and Caboose when he feels they are slacking or screwing up, he isn't great at expressing his feelings if they aren't related to the job. And Doc, who has the patience of a martyr, sometimes finds that patience being tested, such as now.
The medic sighs. He knows that he could always initiate the contact or ask Wash to cuddle with him, but ever since they started this thing, whatever it is, he finds himself always being the one to set things in motion. And it isn't so much that it is unfair to Doc, than it is that they would never make any progress getting Wash to express his feelings if Doc keeps initiating everything and doing all the work.
He decides that he isn't going to let it happen again, at least, not this time. So, trying his hardest to imitate being tired, he lets out his best, most realistic yawn and turns in the direction of his room. "Then if you don't mind, I'm pretty beat. I'll see you tomorrow Wash."
He moves to walk away when suddenly, the other man speaks. "Wait, Doc. You don't have to go." Wash says it so softly that the medic almost doesn't hear.
Doc turns around, raising a dark eyebrow; he waits for Wash to continue.
"I-uh mean, um," Wash is tripping over his words, which would probably make someone else uncomfortable and the whole conversation quite awkward, but Doc just finds it endearing. "Doc, I think we should—" Wash coughs and looks away shyly.
The kind medic steps closer to the ex-freelancer, and in his most reassuring, composed voice, he says: "Wash, you have to tell me what it is you want. I can't read your mind." When he is near enough, he gently places a hand over the soldier's heart. The skin through the fabric of Wash's t-shirt is warm beneath his palm and from so close, Doc can feel Wash's pulse racing. Thump, thump, thump.
It's exhilarating and dangerous, being so close to the other man when Doc knows he doesn't like to be touched. Wash is so much stronger than he is, he can easily hurt him in warning, and yet the ex-freelancer never does. There is a certain thrill in knowing that Wash lets him get away with so much. That most of his walls almost always seem to crumple when Doc's the one trying to break through.
Wash's breathing evens out and Doc feels a warm, strong hand join his where it's still pressed against the blond's heart.
"Doc?" Wash asks tentatively.
"Yes?" Brown eyes meet grey.
"We should sleep together." Wash's eyes flare with undeniable sincerity. It's only a suggestion, but Doc finds himself being the one who pulls back. Tripping over his words, he fumbles to search for a reasonable response and ends up moving so far away from Wash that the distance between them changes from a couple of inches, to full feet.
Wash's face creases into a frown. He fixes his calculating slate eyes on the medic and inquires. "Doc, are you alright? What's the matter?"
He knows he's blushing fiercely and he can't really blame Wash for being concerned. But at the moment, a hundred different things are bombarding his mind and he feels as if there isn't enough space in the world between them. He needs air and he needs it now.
"I'm sorry," he croaks, "I need to do…something." And he heads out of the base so fast, he doesn't give Wash a chance to say anything else.
He nearly trips over his own two feet a couple of times in his hurry, and it is only when he is finally outside to face the vast canyon and the surrounding warm air, that he actually stops to breathe.
When his sense finally comes to him, he feels the urge to freak out wash over him. It's overwhelming, but he tries not to give in. He attempts some breathing techniques he learned from yoga and focuses his thoughts on positive things, trying his best to relax.
It doesn't work and he ends up freaking out anyways. Because Wash has just asked to take their relationship to a level they may not be ready for, that Doc may not be ready for. And there is so much about that that he's not okay with.
So he may have feelings for Wash that he still hasn't come to terms with yet, and he may not be ready. Plus Wash means more to him than just a screw. He wouldn't be able to just sleep with the other man and not have it mean anything. Of course, over thinking it wasn't helping.
But why now? Why was Wash just jumping into things without testing the waters? Was that what he did with all his other relationships? Just jumped into bed with them? It sort of made sense, Wash could just be the type to be more affectionate and open in the bedroom. He probably said a million words with sex than he could ever say in other circumstances.
But what if it's just Wash's way of telling him that their relationship doesn't mean anything to him? That Doc is nothing more than a good lay? What if it changes everything too? What if he sleeps with Wash and they realize they were incompatible or it just makes things more awkward? Doc wants to stop thinking. Thinking isn't relieving his anxiety in the least.
He should go back in there and face Wash, tell him the truth or something close to it… He knows honesty and trust is the base of every good relationship and he wants that with Wash. But a few minutes pass and Doc still feels terribly undecided.
He attempts to jog around the base in his PJs, but halts when his thoughts return to haunt him again. Tell him the truth, tell him you're not ready… the voice in his head says…When will I be ready? He thinks back.
He wants to take their relationship to every level imaginable. He wants to experience things with Wash, but not here and definitely not now. Not during a war where they are thousands of miles away from home, not where there's bloodshed and lives lost in a place where you're best friend is no different from your worst enemy. No, if they were ever to advance to the other level, past the stolen kisses or lingering caresses or secret cuddles, then they would do it right.
And yet it was a war. He doesn't know if they would ever get this opportunity again. Perhaps Wash knew it too and was just trying to do it before they ran out of time. The war, as predictable as it seemed, could worsen anytime or, on the lighter side, they could all be sent home soon. Tomorrow was never promised to anyone. Their time together could very well be running out.
Doc feels so confused and also frustrated. Kicking a nearby stone, he looks up and asks the sky: why?
That's when Wash finds him, glaring at the vast open sky angrily. "Doc?" He whispers.
The medic turns so fast his glasses nearly topple off his head. "Wash?" He asks, temporarily surprised until it hits him. Of course, the blond would come looking for him. He had probably been gone for longer than necessary and Wash was probably worried.
Wash approaches him as one would a spooked animal. "Doc, is everything okay?" He steps closer, and Doc, instinctively, takes a step back.
The ex-freelancer's face morphs into a frown and he retracts the hand currently reaching for the medic. Doc immediately feels guilty for acting so stupid, because this is still Wash and he doesn't deserve to be treated like he did anything wrong.
"Wash, I don't want to sleep with you," Doc says, feeling that honesty is the best policy. Before the other man can respond, Doc continues. "I don't want to sleep with you because of what it will mean for our rel-whatever this is."
"Doc?"
"And don't think that it's not tempting, but I value you so much more than that and hopefully you feel the same about me."
"Doc, it's just one night. We don't have to make it a long term thing, if you don't want it to be." Wash is actually blushing, but Doc is too concerned with the fact that Wash is treating it so casually.
"A one night thing?! So all I am to you is a lay, huh? A wham, bam, thank you ma’am?" Doc can hear his voice getting louder, but he is way past the point of caring right now.
Wash freezes and gives Doc a confused expression, which serves only to fuel Doc's unexpected anger. Wash attempts to get closer to Doc again and this time Doc doesn't move away, but he does glare daggers at the ex-freelancer. "I don't think we're on the same page here." The grey-eyed man says.
"I-um, you're always asking me to cuddle with you and all that and I was just thinking, that maybe, this time, we could try it?" Wash rushes the words so fast that Doc almost doesn't catch them.
Then it hits Doc like a lightning strike from the heavens and his anger dissipates almost immediately, replaced with overwhelming happiness and understanding. "You want us to cuddle this time?" He asks.
Wash nods. "And I figured, that maybe, you'd want to sleep in my room, just this one time. And it's only because, well, I have trouble sleeping. Being with you, kind of relaxes me, so I figured why not just ask you? I'm sorry if you feel put out or anything."
"No, no, no," Doc hurries to say, "I'm sorry. I was under this whole impression that you meant something else." He fakes a laugh, but it just sounds forced.
Wash doesn't seem to notice. "It's tough. I can't seem to shake the nightmares and I think I need you—wait what?"
"Um… nothing. You don't have to explain anything to me. Let's just forget about this whole thing, okay?" Doc presses, taking Wash's hand and leading them back to the base.
Wash halts them by pulling him back gently. "No, Doc. We need to talk about this. Did you think I was talking about sex?"
When Doc turns around he is greeted by Wash's imploring slate eyes. They both stay like that, both unwilling to look away from the other. Doc finds he can't lie either. So he nods his head in the affirmative.
"Doc, why didn't you tell me that it was bothering you? First of all, I would never ask you for something like that. Not now, not when we're not ready." When the medic looks up, he sees that Wash's eyes have softened in their intensity, and as he's lacing his fingers with Doc's, Wash says: "And we're not ready or at least I'm not. There's no need to rush this, whatever it is between us. You don't deserve to feel pressured at all, but I have to admit, I'm glad I found out what was making you act so weird."
Doc nods, feeling like that's all he can do because his mouth seems to have forgotten how to work. "Doc, can you say something?" Wash asks.
But Doc simply pulls him into a hug. "Thank you."
"For what?" Wash questions, hugging him back even tighter.
"For everything. For being you. I will join you in your room and we aren't going to have sex. I feel so silly for even thinking that." He laughs, and this time it's real.
They return back to the base, with only a few hours left before Caboose and Tucker would wake up, they lay in Wash's bed and Doc talks until they both fall asleep. This time, when the nightmares come, Doc is there to combat them. Wash feels secure in Doc’s arms. Doc, who doesn’t judge him, who bears with him through the panic attacks, who obviates the nightmares. Doc, who has shown him that he doesn’t have anything to fear, or anything to hide.
Tucker, who is surprisingly the first one up, finds Doc and Wash leaving the ex-freelancer's room together. Doc blushes while Wash just tells Tucker to simply fuck off. If anyone thinks it’s weird that Wash and Doc haven’t stopped making, as Caboose calls it, ‘googly eyes’ at each other, they don’t question it. Doc thinks that they assume that he and Wash are actually sleeping together, and as Wash takes his hand in his while Tucker and Caboose do their laps, Doc thinks they’d technically be right.