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i’m so insecure i think that i’ll die before i drink
Tubbo sighed as he sat on his bed, head in his hands and gripping on strands of hair. He was jealous. Jealous over the fact he didn’t get a normal childhood. He was forced presidency at 16, in a war for a country at an even younger age.
To do things legally, you had to be 21. Would he make it to 21? 18 even? There isn’t a time of day where he isn’t worried about getting another threat from someone on the SMP who was ready to have his head on a stick and chant that the president is dead.
and i’m so caught up in the news of who likes me and who hates you
Tubbo was waltzing around backstage alone, holding himself as he pondered with his thoughts. He decided to throw a small celebration for the SMP and any other countries to join about how there was, currently, some steady sight of peace for the being.
Ranboo was out socializing with people he knew, doing Tubbo a favor. Once he went back up the stage and found Tubbo, the insanely smaller male looked almost relieved. “Anything? Did anyone have something to say?” he questioned.
Ranboo sighed, nodded his head while placing a hand on Tubbos’ shoulder. “People still like you, they think you’re a good president to say the least. Some were even saying better than what Tommy could do. I wanted to help out on his part because you know, Tommy is my friend of course but I thought it would be suspicious so I just came back to you.”
Tubbo nodded, yet he didn’t feel satisfied hearing that. Tommy was his best friend, and he could be an even better leader if he was given the chance. But he couldn’t help but feel a guilty pleasure that at least he was still liked.
and i’m so tired that i might quit my job, start a new life
There had been multiple times where Tubbo was close enough to giving up the presidency, starting another election no matter the cost of another war. He was exhausted and hardly had experience, having to spend most of his time asking Eret if he could go and borrow old history books from her library and promised he would bring them back.
Of course they didn’t find a problem with it, told Tubbo to take as much as he wanted since they had more of a royalty then president type of role in the SMP. So when Tubbo wasn’t spending time with Ranboo, or Tommy, he was working. Trying to figure out what certain contracts meant and how to take care of the country to avoid conflict with others.
Most the time Tubbo was ready to give up, much rather spend time with his husband and best friend, stay off in Snowchester to have a life of his own. Presidency was too much, but who else would take care of this country as well as him?
and they’d all be so disappointed ‘cause who am i if not exploited
Yet the thought of his family and friends being so upset that he dropped the role of president, that kept him up at nights and made him continue to work his ass off. Plus he was taking care of his friends, so it couldn’t possibly be that bad right? Wrong.
Everything he did he couldn’t help but feel like he would be just like the last president, Schlatt. God, that man always found a way to bring Tubbo into something. Any event, speech, new law or announcement, Tubbo was always somehow roped into it when introducing it to the public.
Last time Tubbo hid something from the ex-president, it was cause he was helping his friends with a secret country. Which ended up getting him in trouble and having a firework blown up in his face. Like he deserved that, being publicly humiliated with no one to save him. He wasn’t the one who was exiled from the country.
But Tubbo could still see all the faces when everyone found out. It was like the some of the public loved seeing Tubbo ‘help’ make decisions with Schlatt. So the disappointment that spread across everyones’ faces when Tubbo was exposed of his traitor ways -which apparently was very common in this damn country-, it was like those faces engraved themselves in the back of Tubbos’ mind.
Disappointment from the way he couldn’t have kept the secret going on. Disappointment from joining the fairly large group of traitors to the country.
In the end, it was as Tubbo was meant to be on display while vice president. He only got moved up higher, the president. Exploited even more than needed. Who decided it was a good idea to let a 17 year old run a country? Why didn’t anyone save him from the people who watched his every move to criticize his decisions?
i’m so sick of seventeen, where’s my fucking teenage dream?
To Tubbo, it felt like he had been 17 for more than a year. Like he had stopped aging at 17 and was stuck with this presidency for even longer like it was some sort of curse. And it probably was at this point.
As if 16 wasn’t long enough? He was working his ass off for hours and losing sleep to multiple things for people around him. He normally had a close friend or his husband by, but that never meant they helped him out.
I mean what do they know? How to run a country? As if. If so, why was he still the president. He wished upon a star that someone would say they were running against Tubbo, and a selfish guilt he felt was that he didn’t care the cost of another election.
Another exile? War even? It didn’t matter in the end, because after his time was up, -or if he was taken out- he would get replaced either way. The only way people would remember his treasured legacy was by his painting in the court hall and that he was the president who was on display like an animal that was shot with a firework.
Is that something that happens to most 17 year olds? They have to be forced to become a president after years of war with older men and having fireworks shot at them in front of a country?
How come he didn’t get to be a teenager with his friends? Sneaking out late at night and begging your friends to do something probably illegal. Or even sleeping in to wake up in the mornings, hearing bickering of your family just down the hall.
Days to run around and bother all the members of the country while laughing about it later. Except you couldn’t do that. At least none of his younger friends and him. The poor boys were made to go into war instead.
someone tells me one more time “enjoy your youth”, i’m gonna cry
“Enjoy your youth before it’s over, a lot of us took it for granted.” Technoblade lectured, making the three teens groan in annoyance. Both Tommy and Tubbo dragged Ranboo to Techno, seeing if they could gain advice on how to help Ranboo ‘fit in’ since Tommy claimed he was the wisest man he knew beside Philza minecraft.
Tommy went on and on about how there was nothing to do, and how Philza minecraft was instead much more intelligent than he could ever be. But Tubbo was annoyed.
It was like any advice he tried to get from someone older, they mentioned his age. Enjoy your youth like they haven’t already ripped that from him. What was that going to change? He was almost 18. You can say that doesn’t change much all you’d like but that will never change the damage and pressure they had put Tubbo through under the age of 13.
It was annoying and frustrating to say the least, if Tubbo and Tommy could’ve ‘enjoyed’ his youth like they tell them, the boys definitely would’ve. Tubbo was at least 100% positive he would trade the word if it meant being able to have a different childhood and be a kid with Tommy.
and i don’t stick up for myself, i’m anxious and nothing can help
Tubbo was known for letting things just, happen. He never tried to confront someone, and the people around him saw it. When Tommy would tease him and Ranboo, Tubbo would never say anything. During the time he was vice president, he never spoke out to Schaltt when he had made things about Tubbo.
In Pogtopia, he never said anything against Wilburs wishes. At least not at one point, but that was a different time. Wilbur wasn’t very open about being so..devious about his thought process, near the beginning of Pogtopia.
But ever since those recalling moments, especially after his encounters with Technoblade, Dream and even Schaltt, he found himself much more nervous when it came to giving speeches or calling events. He often thought another downfall would come.
Everywhere he went he genuinely believed someone was going to murder him on the spot. It felt like eyes were always on him, watching and observing his every move. As if he made one small mistake, it was all over him. And it was very obvious Tubbo couldn’t risk that. He had to be there for his friends, his husband and son, his country .
and i wish i’d done this before and wished people liked me more
Tubbo went into well, everything, at a young age with knowledge or experience to anything. Presidency, the matters of exile, even the benefits of deals and trades. So frankly, you can assume why most people didn’t like his decisions when he did something they didn’t like, or when he did the wrong thing. Of course there was the faint memory of him and mention of presidency as a child, playing with his beloved friend Tommy while Wilbur gave them a pep talk.
Wilbur was a teenager, having another pep talk to himself really as he was next in line to be the president of a new nation in a span of years. The two children couldn’t have been at least over the age of 10. But today, both Tommy and Tubbo were playing in Wilburs room, to their knowledge as they heard a friend of their father’s was coming over and frankly Wilbur did not want to be near.
“Boys, you two know I care about you dearly. more than anything, I see you two as my own brothers.” Wilbur was rambling for at least 5 minutes now, but Tubbo was listening anyways, even if he didn’t understand what sounded like intelligent words from Will. “But, i know that you two will become presidents after my legacy.”
“Does that mean I get to make whatever rules I want?” Tommy asked, suddenly distracted from his action figures both he and Tubbo were sharing. Wilbur chuckled and he sat down in front of the two boys, nodding his head while ruffling the fluffiness of blonde hair that sat on top of Tommy’s head.
“Of course Tom, and i’ll be right by your side to watch you do it.” he responded, which made a pearly smile spread on the younger boys face.
“What about me Wilbur! Can you be by my side too?” Tubbo questioned, setting his action figure into Wilburs hand to scoot closer to the older male.
Wilbur smiled at the action, wrapping an arm around both Tubbo and Tommy to hold them close. “Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be there for you two?”
all i did was try my best, this the kind of thanks i get? unrelentlessly upset.
If there was one thing Tubbo promised to do, it was to do his absolute best. In anything, really. Yet he could only do so much. He constantly tried to keep Schlatt and Dream at a calm, made sure they got what they wanted without stirring trouble to the best of his abilities.
He tried to keep Tommy happy. Not because he saw it as a chore, but because that was his best friend. And the best he could’ve asked for. So when he had to exile him, it was the worst thing he could’ve done. Throughout the whole time Tommy was exiled, it haunted Tubbo every night. No more late night whispering or sneaking out to see each other. No more seeing his best friend.
He tried to keep his husband and son out of trouble as being the president, but he could only do so much. So why was the only brother figure and role model he had blow up the country they lost so much blood and sweat for? Why did he have to go through exiling one of the only people who cared for him? Why did he have to be forced to take over the country? Who decided to put so much trauma and pressure on this boys shoulders?
they say these are the golden years but i wish i could disappear
Tubbo remembered when he was smaller, the rather basic but most precious wooden bench him and his best friend shared and all the times the pair spent at it. Talking away about how it could be a different time. A different life. But at least they had each other right?
“My boys, these are our golden years! And once we win against that green bastard, we can live in peace in our glory!” Wilbur exclaimed happily, as they had just recently won a miniature quarrel against Dream and his crew. Tommy joined in the laughter that came from Wilbur, happy to see his own role model in such joy and confidence.
Which easily rubbed off on everyone else, Tubbo being roped into a side hug from Tommy with light punches being shared between the two. “You hear that Tubbo? We’re gonna kick this douchebags ass!” Tommy nearly shouted. Tubbo let out a startled laugh, trying to pull away from the grip with a light shove to the stomach. “Okay big man you can stop trying to kill me instead!”
But Tubbo could not wish for these so called ‘golden years’ to be fucking over . All this time he’s been through pain over and over. Almost every year it felt as if there was something new to be fighting over.
“Can’t you see Tubbo? These, are our golden years! As long as you’re my vice president, we’ll be in glory together yeah?” Schlatt said, rather cockily that haunted the back of Tubbo’s brain while Schlatt was taking another swing at the rather, horrid smell of beer. “Of course Mr.President.” Tubbo forced, a smile wide on his face for his act as he recalled of hearing the same thing once before.
How often he thought of just ridding himself of existence happens much too often now with the position he was put in. It would be so easy for him to runaway, in the middle of the night. Change his name and live a different life far, far away.
ego crush is so severe
And somehow, anything Tubbo managed to do, there was always one comment haunting the back of his mind. Always reminding him that it could’ve been better if he simply did more . The restless nights studying? Pointless. All of the efforts to try and keep your friends? Useless.
It felt as if he never once had control over himself. Always seen as a yes-man and being easy to get what others wanted from him. And wow did it take a toll on him.So many things in his short life effected him mentally, emotionally and even physically. And god, it’s brutal out here.